Help me! (sorry, kind of long!)

[prettylnpink419]

Ok Ladies…it’s been awhile since I’ve posted but I’m starting to stress out and I need the help of all of you to make me sane again before I have a horrible LIW moment tonight when I see my BF.

I told him last night that I wanted to “have a talk” tonight.

Let me start off by giving a little bit of background so you can get a better understanding of where my anxiety is coming from.

We started talking about our future several months ago now. When we first started talking about it, I started showing him rings I liked. Then he got overwhelmed so I stopped. Then we talked about moving in together when my lease was up in March and how he’d like to be engaged before we did live together so he made the comment, “I guess that leaves me until March then, huh?” Well then he got overwhelmed again, so we stopped talking about it for a little while and I kind of made the assumption that we wouldn’t be living together come March and I would just renew my lease with my roommate.

Well to throw a wrench in the mix, my roommates parents decided they would buy her a house, b/c it would be a good invest for them with the market the way it is now and she decided she’d want more than one roommate and invited one of her good guy friends to move in as well. So if I moved with her I would go from having the master bedroom in our townhouse with my own bathroom, using my furniture and having the place set up the way I like it (I lived here by myself for several months before she moved in) to moving into a small bedroom and sharing a bathroom with a guy…that I barely know and living with 3 people. Mind you they work together and are really close, I barely know him but he annoys the crap out of me…so not a good situation.

I kind of felt like okay great, well my BF and I had talked about living together before so maybe it was the right time, since it seemed like things were just falling in that direction, but he said he only wants to live together if we buy a house, not if we rent. I don’t understand this because I don’t see what the difference is. He said too many couples rent a place together and it makes it too easy for them to give up when times get tough but when you buy a house with someone it is a serious commitment, and it would essentially be the same step as getting engaged. So we start seriously talking about buying a house, but he has made no effort. He hasn’t looked at houses, he hasn’t talked to anyone, he never brings it up, it’s only me that brings it up and he never seems really serious about it. So that made me nervous since the end of my lease is quickly approaching and I asked him if I should start looking at 1 bedroom apartments for myself instead and he said I should keep both options open and explore both of them. I told him I wanted to live with him and if that was an option I wanted to put all of my effort into that option, why explore another avenue? It didn’t make sense. So now I’m kind of stuck, everytime I tell him I’m upset that we haven’t made more movement on the house front he keeps telling me to relax, we don’t even know what we’d be pre-approved for yet, so I say okay, let’s get preapproved. I tried calling and got put on hold…and it was too long for him, so he had to leave…I really feel like he’s not ready.

Another factor is that he is a technician at a car dealership and HATES his job so he’s been tossing around a few ideas, it’s really hard to support him in any of them because each week it’s something different. All of a sudden out of the blue this week he said he’s thinking about quitting his job, getting a part-time job and going back to school for nuclear medicine. NUCLEAR MEDICINE?! Where did that come from, he has a degree in automotive technology!! And what about us? We were going to call this weekend to see what we can get preapproved for and now he’s going to quit his job? So I asked him a bunch of questions like how was he going to pay for school and his rent at the same time and he said he didn’t know, probably student loans and a part-time job. I asked what about benefits and he said he’d get them through school (which is really really expensive). I told him that I was excited for him and that we should definitely talk more about it. That I wanted to hear more and talk about what it means for us and our future together. And his response was “Whoa. I need to find more about it first” and I explained I didn’t necessarily mean that specific position but about if he was serious about quitting his job and going back to school. We were just talking about buying a house together and now he’s quitting his job…that’s a big step in the opposite direction. And he said he didn’t look at it from that point of view, which really hurt me. Every decision I make about my future I always consider how it would impact him and our future together and he didn’t even consider me in any of this, it was all about him. That really hurt me.

I don’t know really what to do at this point. I mean, if he wants to go back to school, great!! I think that is awesome and I would completely support him, however, that means if we don’t get a house before my lease is up in March and I end up renting for another year, he’ll only have a part-time job then and we won’t be able to get a house until he graduates so it’s either now or in 2 years (That’s when he’d finish the degree and hopefully get a job in that field) and he doesn’t want to live together unless we buy?! I feel like that is going to completely push back our timeline, we were talking about an 10/2010 wedding. He even took me to look at rings a few weeks ago. I’m so confused and hurt and sad b/c I feel like he’s not thinking about our future anymore. If it were up to me, here is how things would go…we’d get preapproved this weekend, look for a house…hopefully find one, once we have the mortgage, we could absolutely afford it with me working full-time and him only part-time so he could quit his job, go back to school and I imagine us still getting engaged before the end of the year and I could work on planning the wedding while he’s in school and we’d get married after he graduated. Does that seem unreasonable? I don’t know how to talk to him about how I’m feeling. I’m starting to feel like he’ll never be ready to take that next step, but I also don’t want to give him an ultimatium but I know that if by this time next year we aren’t at least engaged (whether we are living together or not) that will be it for me. I love him with all of my heart and want to spend my life with him but I am also ready for my life to start now, I want marriage, a house, a family. I know I’m still young
(26) but I am ready now. Waiting will only make me resent him and question our relationship as to why I’m ready and he’s not.

Part of me knows that I will already resent him if I end up having to get an apartment by myself. To me it only makes sense for us to move in together whether we rent or buy. If we live together we’ll be able to save more money for a house than if we rent separately. I’ve told him this but it doesn’t matter.

I need help ladies, please give me advice on how to talk to him tonight about all of this without it becoming a fight. I don’t want to fight with him, but I feel like it’s going to end up like that. I’m also not ready to end it yet if I don’t get the response I want from him…but I’m afraid it will get to that point. I don’t want to waste my time with someone that will never get to the point I’m already at. That really scares me. Help! Please keep me from making a big mistake tonight!

 

[Lauren8211]

Wow. Lots of stuff going on right now for you!

Ok, here''s my opinion: Actions speak volumes when it comes to guys. Just because a guy looks at rings with you, doesn''t mean anything. I consider it "meaning something" when they take steps to becoming more settled, and start to make decisions based on what is best for both you, not for just one of you. He''s all over the map with what he''s feeling right now, and it seems like he is not quite ready to get engaged. First its an engagement, then a house, now quit his job and go back to school? Nothing is really making sense, and I think you shouldn''t be worrying about engagement when he''s clearly not showing any signs of stability.

Also, if he''s serious about you, he should be able to talk future with you without freaking out or getting mad (assuming you''re not badgering him or getting over-emotional, try not to do that.

). You have a RIGHT to know where you stand. Whether you like his answer or not, you deserve a straightforward one. End of story.

If you want to move in with him, then do it because it''s right for your relationship. Do not move in with him because you think it''ll move an engagement along. Move in with him full well knowing that it could be a year, or two, or more before you get engaged.

Nothing that you''re hoping for is wrong. It''s fine to want a house, a marriage, a family. But you can''t make him be ready.

If I were you, I''d first decide whether I''m OK with moving in with him with or without an engagement in the near future. I''d also nix the house idea, because if he''s unsure about his job and school situation, this is a bad economy to take a risk. Unless you''re comfortable financially taking care of the house. If you decide moving in without an engagement will not work for you, then please, go get the one bedroom apartment.

Sorry this is so confusing for you right now.

Good Luck, Sweetie!

 

[fieryred33143]

Wow. That was a ginormous post LOL.
My biggest advice before I go on is: do not move in with him. He’s using buying a house as the big commitment step but freaks out when you talk about an engagement? Um, no. IT would be one thing if he were excited about getting engaged but really wanted to spend the money to invest right now and perhaps hold off on buying a ring later. That isn’t idea either but at least he’s in the direction of getting a ring and proposing. But engagement discussion = overwhelmed. Don’t move in.
To be honest, I think he is saying lets move in to prolong the having to buy a ring and propose. He isn’t ready. That doesn’t make him a bad guy. That doesn’t make your relationship a bad relationship. He just isn’t ready. Period.
I don’t think there is anything left to say tonight. I would just flat out ask him what’s wrong? Is he not ready? If he knew that you would still be with him even if he doesn’t propose now or if you have to get your own place, what would he really want to do for the future? But I still believe he isn’t ready.

 

[jcarlylew82]

hmm. I have to agree with elledizzy - his actions are speaking a lot louder than his "yeah i will" and other words.
The hardest thing to learn and overcome (or deal with) is guy time versus girl time. And to me, it sounds like right now your guy is in the cross roads of his life where he is unsure, which in turn, is going to make it even harder for him commit and plan a future with you (NOT that he doesnt want one, its just hard to see it without knowing what he wants).
Honestly, i would plan on moving in with your friend. Tell her it will *hopefully* be short term while your guy figures out what he wants to do regarding school, money and living situations. Yes, you will harbor the resentment ( i would too) but i think it could be a lot worse if you are harboring resentment for other things (timelines, etc) that would actually affect your relationship.

Good luck hun!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

First, I'm sorry you're going through this--it's always frustrating and a little lonely when you feel you're not on the same page.

I only know what information you've written, but it sounds like you are in very different places right now. You are ready to get married and buy a house (and it sounds like you'd prefer that order). He is unsure about his life, his career, his future. He's in the midst of trying to figure out if he wants to go back to school--he might be taking out student loans in the near future, who knows. It's very much up in the air.

And that's okay--he has every right to not have a clue about what he wants right now, but the consequence of that he's very likely NOT ready to settle down, buy a ring, a house and get married. He's on a very personal journey and unfortunately, even if you love each other as much as humanly possible, it makes for very bad timing.

My concern for you is that you are going to be very overcooked by the time he IS ready--you've already said that if you have to find your own apartment in March, you will be resentful. That was a very honest answer and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. You're ready to get married, you don't want to wait, you're alredy starting to feel resentment about his lack of interest in settling down. If I were you, I'd live on my own no matter what in March--he's got way too much going on right now to think about moving in together and you might need a little space while you figure out what you want. Also, when I was in limbo, I went to a therapist. More than anything it was a place for me to vent and talk about my anxieties...and eventually helped me to create a "move on" plan. If you feel that you are getting to a point where you're resentful, having an unbiased person who can help you might be a good idea.

My suggestion for your talk tonight is to LISTEN. Don't try to convince him that he should want to get engaged. Women use these "talks" as a way to quench their own anxiety (speaking from experience here). The "talk" is really so you can get your anxieties out on the table and he can try to make you feel better by telling you what you want to hear. If he starts opening up about anxieties and fears, let him without getting defensive. Really listen to him.

If he is very much on board with getting engaged/married, then talk about how you can make it happen as a couple. Do you both need to start saving? What do you need to do together to make this happen? A man who is ready will be able to talk about these things with you. A man who isn't ready will put it off.

Good luck!

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 1/23/2009 11:21:15 AM
Author: elledizzy5
Wow. Lots of stuff going on right now for you!

Ok, here''s my opinion: Actions speak volumes when it comes to guys. Just because a guy looks at rings with you, doesn''t mean anything. I consider it ''meaning something'' when they take steps to becoming more settled, and start to make decisions based on what is best for both you, not for just one of you. He''s all over the map with what he''s feeling right now, and it seems like he is not quite ready to get engaged. First its an engagement, then a house, now quit his job and go back to school? Nothing is really making sense, and I think you shouldn''t be worrying about engagement when he''s clearly not showing any signs of stability.

Also, if he''s serious about you, he should be able to talk future with you without freaking out or getting mad (assuming you''re not badgering him or getting over-emotional, try not to do that.

). You have a RIGHT to know where you stand. Whether you like his answer or not, you deserve a straightforward one. End of story.

If you want to move in with him, then do it because it''s right for your relationship. Do not move in with him because you think it''ll move an engagement along. Move in with him full well knowing that it could be a year, or two, or more before you get engaged.

Nothing that you''re hoping for is wrong. It''s fine to want a house, a marriage, a family. But you can''t make him be ready.

If I were you, I''d first decide whether I''m OK with moving in with him with or without an engagement in the near future. I''d also nix the house idea, because if he''s unsure about his job and school situation, this is a bad economy to take a risk. Unless you''re comfortable financially taking care of the house. If you decide moving in without an engagement will not work for you, then please, go get the one bedroom apartment.

Sorry this is so confusing for you right now.

Good Luck, Sweetie!

I agree 100% with this. He seems all over the place some people have a hard time making a decision. You need to have a talk with him and spell out what you want and ask him what he wants, his timelines ext. Then (since I know you would want him to do this) you need to respect what he says. If he just says "Babe, I''ve been overwhelmed I hate my job and I won''t be ready until i''m on the right career path, and it may be 2+ years till you even hear me talking about rings" or anything like that or worse or better. You have to take it almost at face value. If you want to be with him forever, forever is the same amount of time with or w/out a ring. You might need to be patient because guy time is alot longer then girl time. Now YOU have every right to want things your way, and if his timeline isn''t right for you (say you want to have a family and kids and stuff by SET time) you have that right to, and that''s were communication and sacrifice and compromise come in.

It sounds like you''re doing your part in the sacrifice communication department, and he needs to make some solid decisions based on what he wants, because you deserve that.
Just be prepared incase you don''t like what he is going to say.

good luck

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 1/23/2009 11:32:04 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady


My suggestion for your talk tonight is to LISTEN. Don''t try to convince him that he should want to get engaged. Women use these ''talks'' as a way to quench their own anxiety (speaking from experience here). The ''talk'' is really so you can get your anxieties out on the table and he can try to make you feel better by telling you what you want to hear. If he starts opening up about anxieties and fears, let him without getting defensive. The truth isn''t often easy to hear, but you have to.

Excellent point, NEL. That kind of struck a nerve with me. I think I must do that sometimes to poor FF. I need to quit it!

Back to the issue at hand, I absolutely agree, you have to let him air his feelings without feeling attacked, or you''ll never get a straight answer out of him.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Elle-- Thanks for the reply. I know he''s all over the map and that things are hard for him right now. Working as a mechanic at a dealership is difficult right now b/c they are extremely slow and he only gets paid per job....so if they are dead he still needs to be at work for 40 hours a week but might only get paid for like 15 hours. Honestly, he''d probably make more money at a stable part-time job than he is making now. I want him to find something that makes him happy, even if it means going back to school and I have no problem supporting us while he does that. I feel like he''s afraid to take that next step b/c he is afraid of a.) failure, and b.) relying on someone else. I definitely do not badger him about getting married. I don''t want to make him do anything he doesn''t want to do, it''s just hard b/c he is sending me mixed messages.

I just don''t know what to say to him tonight to make him understand how I feel or to see where I''m coming from. I''m afraid he''s going to get upset and it''s going to turn into a fight. I absolutely don''t want to break up with him but at the same time, I want to know that we have a future and he considers our future when making decisions, cause if not...am I just wasting my time?

I definitely don''t want to move in with him in hopes that it will speed up an engagement. I just want to start my life with him, I want to fall asleep with him every night and wake up with him every morning. I work full-time and go to school full-time so if he goes back to school too, we''ll never see each other. If we lived together we could help each other and be a support system for one another.

I''m not all that worried about not being able to make the mortgage payments if his jobs or school situation falls through b/c I''ve done it on my own paying way more than our mortgage would be for almost a year. I know I could do it all on my own, I just don''t want to. I want him there.

I absolutely DO NOT want to make him do anything. It''s just hard because he says one thing and does another. I''ve seen first hand what happens when someone is pushed in to something. My dad tried to call off their wedding a week before and my grandfather (my mom''s dad) made him go through with it and it was the worst thing he could have done, I''ve been told I''m the only good thing to come out of it. He slept with her best friend the night before the wedding and she was still a bridesmaid the next day! They were together only until my mom had me and then she realized she and I deserved more. It''s definitely tough...I wish I could look into the future and see what happens. I love him to death but I''m not willing to sacrafice my dreams of marriage and family for someone that doesn''t know what he wants.

 

[decodelighted]

Agree with a lot of the advice so far ... but THIS is GENIUS (imho):

Date: 1/23/2009 11:32:04 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
My suggestion for your talk tonight is to LISTEN. Don''t try to convince him that he should want to get engaged. Women use these ''talks'' as a way to quench their own anxiety (speaking from experience here). The ''talk'' is really so you can get your anxieties out on the table and he can try to make you feel better by telling you what you want to hear. If he starts opening up about anxieties and fears, let him without getting defensive. Really listen to him.

If he is very much on board with getting engaged/married, then talk about how you can make it happen as a couple. Do you both need to start saving? What do you need to do together to make this happen? A man who is ready will be able to talk about these things with you. A man who isn''t ready will put it off

It sounds like he is a bit scattered about what he wants right now. Some days buying a house sounds good ... some days going back to school sounds good. Big life decisions don''t generally happen on a tight timetable ...especially if one person has to be cajoled into it. Sounds like you may need to take care of yourself here & either get your own place OR suck it up for a while & live in the non-ideal roommate situation in order to keep your options open longer.

 

[bee*]

It does sound like he''s not ready and that he''s using the house buying as a staller. I would renew your lease or find yourself a one bedroom apartment until he knows what he wants. Have a chat with him and see what he says. It does sound like you guys want different things right now and there''s nothing wrong with either of you wanting what you want. Best of luck when you talk to him!

 

[misskitty]

Giant hugs to you. I know that your situation right now is super frustrating, and I hope it works out for the best.

Here's a thought: You know how you have a feeling that you'll resent him if you get forced into making a decision (renting a 1BR for yourself) that you're not a fan of? This may be something to clear up in your talk tonight. I don't mean to sound antagonistic (believe me, I'm in your corner here!), but you put the option of getting a 1BR on the table without being 100% behind it, and it doesn't sound like you've communicated to him that you have a problem with it. If he thinks you're okay with getting your own place for now, he's going to weigh his priorities differently when making a decision.

FWIW, I also think that getting a 1BR by yourself is a better idea than sharing a place with the annoying stranger. Since your BF is indecisive about the house, I'd be upfront about asking what his house timeline is, and if it seems like he's still deflecting, I'd go for the 1BR (even if it's not your favorite option).

Date: 1/23/2009 11:21:15 AM
Author: elledizzy5
Nothing that you're hoping for is wrong. It's fine to want a house, a marriage, a family. But you can't make him be ready.

I totally agree with elledizzy5 here. I think your hopes/desires are completely reasonable, but ultimately it's up to him to decide when the time is right for everything. Bummer at that, because it's never easy when the ball is in someone else's court.


Edited to add: I also very much agree with NEL that listening is key. Taking cues from him will help you keep the discussion from turning into a fight.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Okay, so from what you''ve shared, my gut tells me that he doesn''t know what he wants right now. It seems like many guys feel the order in life should go: First, school. Second, career. Third, marry. Fourth, family. If he''s still working on the first couple steps, I''m guessing that he''s not ready to buy a home or get married. The fact that he seems to continue changing his mind also makes me feel like he''s not ready for the moving in together step.

I know A LOT of people move in together before engagement and/or marriage and it all works out fine for them. BUT, in my experience it''s not working out how I envisioned at all. My SO owns a home and I moved in with him about 1-1/2 years ago. He first suggested I move in even a year before that. Because he''s always been aggressive in moving our relationship from one step to the next I just figured that he''d also feel the same about marriage. WRONG!!! I was the first one to bring it up and although he says we''re ready, he''s done nothing to move forward with it. I might mention that he was VERY excited about it when we first started talking about it...doing some research, etc. Now, I''m pretty sure we won''t get engaged for at least a couple more years (maybe more). I had NO idea that I''d be in one of those relationships where the couple lives together for years and years before getting married. For lots of people, that''s fine. And there''s nothing wrong with it if that''s what they want to do. There are quite a number of LIWs on here that can relate to this and are very happy! HOWEVER, if this would NOT be for you, I''d seriously reconsider moving in together (renting or buying) until you at least have a ring on your finger.

Now, I have to say, your plan sounds great, in theory. It could totally work out perfectly...or, he could change his mind again about his career (it sounds like he''s been doing this a lot lately) and throw another big wrench in your plans. I would be very careful.

But talk to him about all this and how it''s making you feel. Be honest and make sure he really gets what you''re saying. Don''t give an ultimatium, but let him know that his putting things off could really end up screwing you in the end. I''m sure he doesn''t want that! Buying a house takes time. Finding a new apartment takes time. I would be feeling VERY anxious right now if I were you because having a roof over your head is, well, kinda important, you know?!

As far as you being ready to start your life right now, well, if he''s not ready as well, there''s no way it''s going to happen. You wouldn''t want to force him into something he''s not ready for. So, if you love him and truly want to spend the rest of your life with him, you''re going to have to wait for him to catch up. It makes sense that he''d want to have a stable job (that he doesn''t hate) so he can contribute to your future life together.

I would say that just about every one of the LIWs on here can relate to having periods where we just don''t want to wait anymore. Unfortunately, that''s just part of it. And, adds to the excitement when it finally does! (ha, ha, gotta take my own advice here!)

 

[Lauren8211]

((((Hugs)))))

This must be so hard.

Im the same age as you, and want the same things you do. It can be frustrating at times.

To me, mixed signals = trying to keep her happy, but not really ready. All signs point to "he''s not ready."

As far as the discussion, I totally agree with NEL. Ask him what his concerns, desires, and plans are. Then listen, and don''t react (as much as possible). Let him feel comfortable sharing, and you may get the answer you''re looking for.

If he blows up at the simple mention of discussing your future, well... that''s another red flag. You should be able to discuss your future without a fight, as long as both of you just try to listen, listen, listen, and not guilt the other one into feeling something they don''t.

 

[prettylnpink419]

NewEnglandLady-- Thanks for your reply. That hard part for me is just about 4 months ago he said he wanted to have a talk with me. We talked...he told me he wanted to marry me and he wanted to spend his life with me. He told me he loved and and I was the one and that if he had the money for a ring, he''d buy it right now. He told me that his plan was to fix up his one car and sell it and use the money to buy a ring, but that he was essentially proposing without a ring. He hasn''t spent one day working on that car since though.

I do listen and I try to be very supportive. It is so hard though! I actually do see a therapist b/c I have some issues with my family that I''ve been trying to sort through. He has even come to sessions with me several times. A lot lately actually, even though he is anti-therapy.

My therapist thinks that he is depressed b/c he isn''t where he wants to be in his life. She said that passed on his patterning, he was raised thinking he could never do anything right and that there would always be a way he could have done it better so he is absolutely terrified of change....TERRIFIED. She knows how I feel about him and what I want for our future and she thinks we are wonderful together and will be great for one another. She knows how much we genuinely care for one another and keeps telling me to give him a little bit of time. She said that she thinks in 6 months or so we''ll be on the same page together and planning our future but that he needs to get past this depression first. He refuses to take anti-depressants even though he is self admitedly depressed. She has suggested for him to focus then Omega 3''s which are a natural way for him to hopefully overcome his depression. We''ll see. I''m worried for me. I know he''s unhappy with his life and I know he''s too afraid to change anything. I just don''t know what to do to really help him and support him. He has his issues and I have mine. I know he isn''t at the same place I am right now but I believe he will be eventually and I want to do what I can to help him get there without pressuring him, which is how I''m afraid he is going to view our talk tonight. I know my LIW anxiety is increased by the amount of pressure I''m getting from my family about getting married and having kids and how they all think "it''s about time". I just don''t want that to come out tonight but this conversation really needs to be about him and about what his goals are for the future and helping him to make a plan that hopefully does include me and what I want for us as well, but when he''s ready for it. I just kind of what ot know where I stand and if he''s still feeling the same way about our future that he was a few months back.

I love him and I don''t want to lose him but I''m also majorly stressing out.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Ladies--

Thank you all for your replies. It means so much to me. The support you ladies offer is so comforting. No one else in my life seems to understand my sometimes craziness b/c of this anxiety.

It is definteily nerve wrecking thinking about how I don''t know where I will be come March 31st. Moving with my roommate into the house her parents are purchasing is no longer an option. I have a dog and 2 cats and her parents don''t like the idea of pets in the house since it is their "investment". Plus the annoying guy is also allergic.

My other alternative would be to move home for a few months but I''d have to pay to put my stuff in storage, my mom is allergic to cats so she''d have to take allergy medicine and I DO NOT get along with my mom''s fiance. She doesn''t even get along with him but since he goes out most nights he is rarely around. She is essentially only keeping him around until my sister graduates college and she''ll have more money to spare to be able to comfortably afford her lifestyle on her own.

Plus my sister just moved home a few months ago to save money and she is an absolutel NIGHTMARE! She is miserable 100% of the time. It took every penny I had just to escape that situation when I moved out 6 years ago and never looked back until now. The chance to save money and to not being tied into a lease incase my BF does get his stuff together and we want to buy a house is appealing but I just don''t think I could do that. I think I would go insane!

 

[misskitty]

Have you thought about subletting or getting a short term lease? That might be a good in-between that puts you away from a stressful living situation but also frees you up for either moving in with BF or taking time to find a place that suits you.

 

[tlh]

pretty in pink, first off, HUGS! As a lady that also suffered from the LIW I totally get it... I am not attacking your man, but his ideas on things seem.... backwards. Buying a house with someone is in my opinion a HUGE level of commitment, and a heck of a lot more $$$ than an engagement ring... so I am confused... plus I have a friend that was on a 2 year WAITING LIST to get in to school to study Nuclear Medicine. After 2+ years, she was accepted and then had to move across the country to go to school, and this was a huge life upheaval. So this could also be a long ways down the road...

So I am sorry that I don''t understand why he is dragging his feet. You didn''t specify, are there engagement ring rules, that I don''t know about? Those things that you want, that maybe he cannot afford right now, and that is the obstacle?

The housing situation also sucks. I actually really liked living w/ my now DH while dating. It showed me a lot of what to expect when we were married, and living together. This isn''t a road for everyone, but it worked for me. Plus, it is a lot easier in a lot of ways to just move out and break up - than to get a divorce, and try to sell a house to get your investment in this market.

So I guess what I have are questions, but mainly HUGS. Patience really works. But who am I to talk? I screamed where is my ring every day for like 6 mos. I also carved a sad pumpkin for halloween because "single girl pumpkin is sad that mr single guy pumpkin didn''t propose" I''ll have to see if I can find that picture... my man found that HILARIOUS. I was frustrated. VERY FRUSTRATED. But... it worked out. I think things always do.

It depends on what kind of girl you are. I am a pout and get my way SPOILED BRAT. So the longer I waited... the more I pouted. It didn''t matter how MUCh I pouted because he didn''t have the $$$ to propose, and I knew that, but I would have worn a silver band for $12. I was just upset that he hadn''t asked. What was going on with him, is taht he had his own expectations of the proposal- and so... I had to wait. I am not saying this will work for you... I am sure I annoyed a LOT of people... but eh, I was miserable... and I wanted him to know.
HAHA I look back now and laugh at how obnoxious I was... but at the time- IT WAS HORRIBLE.

SO after a long winded rant... HUGS. I am there with you, with all the dust I can muster!
*********************DUST***************************

 

[prettylnpink419]

TLH- I feel exactly the same way, his idea of not wanting to rent together but buying together instead is so backwards. It is a HUGE level of commitment, and he says that he wants that commitment. He has also said that his family would probably want to see a ring as well. He is definitely all over the place. To me, if we are both paying rent and utilities and groceries separately, doesn''t it make more sense to rent together and save money and then we''d be able to afford a much nicer place in a few years...like if he does get his degree in Nuclear Medicine....which by the way, as a side note...there are only 20,000 positions in the field in the US!!! So getting a job would be extremely hard.

I do not have any rules for an engagement ring! I told him I didn''t need a ring at all, that I''d wear a cracker jack box ring. If I were to get a real engagement ring, I''d still only want a solitare probably around .50 ct in white gold. I think it is more about like you said, him having his own expectations and dreams about the engagement ring and the proposal. I know he loves me, I know he wants a future with me...I feel like he just doesn''t think he is where he wants to be in his life when he gets married. I personally don''t care and don''t have any expectations of him. I love him, I want to marry him, and I want our life to start now. I try to tell him I''m proud of him and that he could never disappoint me and that we''ll get through life as a team, even if it means I support him now and he supports me later. We''ll do it together. He agrees and feels the same but I think he just has these personal goals and expectations for himself that are holding him back....it''s something he doesn''t talk to me about, he''s not big on talking about his feelings...even though he has gotten better.

I would love to see your sad pumpkin face picture! I don''t think my BF would laugh...although he has a great sense of humor!

I think the difference between him and I is that I know what I want and I don''t care that we don''t have a ton of money, or that we don''t own a house, or he doesn''t have a great job...I still love him and want to start my life with him. For him, I think he expects us to be at a certain point in our lives before it all happens, great job, XXX number of $$ in savings, a house, etc. I think he''d rather just wait until everything is perfect, what if it isn''t ever perfect...does that mean we wait forever even though we want the same things?

Thanks for the dust and sympathy, it''s great to know I''m not alone. I don''t have very many friends outside of work and school so I appreciate the opportunity to share my story with others.

I''m in class right now and he''s at home waiting for me so we can have our "talk". I''m so nervous, I don''t want to fight with him!! I am also afraid of hearing something that is going to upset me or disappoint me. I have butterflies in my stomach!

 

[Blair138]

I just wanted to say good luck. I agree with everyone else that says he sounds like he doesn''t know what he wants, but to let him talk without getting defensive. You should tell him the things that you are feeling too and he should listen without getting upset. Please come back and let us know how things went.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Thanks Blair! I''ll definitely come back and let everyone know how it goes tonight. Not sure when though b/c I have class ALL weekend long! Ugh!

 

[Winks_Elf]

First of all, ((((BIG HUG)))). Second, I just want to let you know before I start my opinion (and it is JUST my opinion and advice...we all have one) that I have not read what any of the other ladies have said to you. I''ve only read what you wrote.

It seems to me that you have a BF that has some issues that you are not responsible for, and that you can not change about him. How does a man in mechanics suddenly want to go for nuclear medicine? And what about that car he bought to fix up and sell to pay for your engagement ring? I''m sorry, but I do not see him going in the same direction as you.

Do some searching for a one bedroom apartment. Don''t spend every moment of the weekend with him. Go out with some friends, spend some time by yourself, and take stock of what direction YOU are going in. Are you happy with your job? Do you like living in the area you live in? You are 26 years old, unmarried, have no children, and the WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!!!!! What things would you like to do? Any places you''d like to visit? What about any classes you''d like to take? I don''t know what you do for a living, but is there a way to better yourself in your job to potentially move up in rank? Now is the time for you to do so! If your boyfriend should happen to decide to walk in the same direction as you, that''s great, but don''t wait for him to lead. I could be wrong, but it seems he''s a little lost.

As for buying a house together, don''t do it! Don''t move in with him either, not until it''s a few months before the wedding and the ink is dry on the invitations. Sheeze, I know I sound like your mother, but believe me if there was a chance I could go back and change things in my history, that would be one of the big ones...unfortunately I speak from experience here.

OOOh, just thought of something...with the market dropping the way it is, and with the changes to HUD rules, maybe you can contact a realtor and do some house hunting on your own? Why not look into buying your own place? Chances are by the summer the market will start to see some rebound, even if it''s a temporary rise, but there''s a good chance that you may be able to buy something on your own, even if it''s a starter. You can fix it up, build up some equity, and sell in a few years. Who knows where you''ll be by that time. Either happily married, or happily single. Either way, with the market so low and HUD requiring only 3% now, you may wind up with a wonderful nest egg from it!

 

[WishfulThinking]

Good luck in your talk with your bf. I''m so sorry you''re in such a complicated situation.

I agree with what others have said about your bf not knowing what he wants right now. That''s something he largely has to work out with himself, I think, as hard for you as it might be. He should definitely be keeping you in mind as he deliberates though, and it sounds like he hasn''t put a lot of thought into how his decisions will affect your relationship.

One thing I noticed about your post is that you are willing to completely support him, including getting approved now, looking for a house together, buying one, and paying the mortgage with income from your full-time job and his part-time job... this sounds like a situation that might lead to a lot of resentment. You [rightfully!] anticipate resenting having to get a 1bedroom apartment, and I honestly think you would feel terrible too if you supported him and payed more toward a mortgage on a house you own jointly. I''m sorry to harp on the negatives, but it be a very difficult situation to get out of, and difficult to know whether the time, money, and energy you put into supporting him and your relationship will ultimately end in an engagement. While it does sound like he intends to marry you someday it doesn''t at all sound like he is ready for engagement. I know other peoples'' opinions will differ on this, but I think owning a home with someone who is volatile about what the future might hold and facing a crossroads in life is a bad idea.

Please make sure to take care of yourself in this situation. It''s hard because you love your bf and want everything to work out, but remember you deserve someone who loves you and is willing to put 100% into your relationship! Again, good luck talking to him.

 

[purselover]

Date: 1/23/2009 8:00:40 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
First of all, ((((BIG HUG)))). Second, I just want to let you know before I start my opinion (and it is JUST my opinion and advice...we all have one) that I have not read what any of the other ladies have said to you. I''ve only read what you wrote.


It seems to me that you have a BF that has some issues that you are not responsible for, and that you can not change about him. How does a man in mechanics suddenly want to go for nuclear medicine? And what about that car he bought to fix up and sell to pay for your engagement ring? I''m sorry, but I do not see him going in the same direction as you.


Do some searching for a one bedroom apartment. Don''t spend every moment of the weekend with him. Go out with some friends, spend some time by yourself, and take stock of what direction YOU are going in. Are you happy with your job? Do you like living in the area you live in? You are 26 years old, unmarried, have no children, and the WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!!!!! What things would you like to do? Any places you''d like to visit? What about any classes you''d like to take? I don''t know what you do for a living, but is there a way to better yourself in your job to potentially move up in rank? Now is the time for you to do so! If your boyfriend should happen to decide to walk in the same direction as you, that''s great, but don''t wait for him to lead. I could be wrong, but it seems he''s a little lost.


As for buying a house together, don''t do it! Don''t move in with him either, not until it''s a few months before the wedding and the ink is dry on the invitations. Sheeze, I know I sound like your mother, but believe me if there was a chance I could go back and change things in my history, that would be one of the big ones...unfortunately I speak from experience here.


OOOh, just thought of something...with the market dropping the way it is, and with the changes to HUD rules, maybe you can contact a realtor and do some house hunting on your own? Why not look into buying your own place? Chances are by the summer the market will start to see some rebound, even if it''s a temporary rise, but there''s a good chance that you may be able to buy something on your own, even if it''s a starter. You can fix it up, build up some equity, and sell in a few years. Who knows where you''ll be by that time. Either happily married, or happily single. Either way, with the market so low and HUD requiring only 3% now, you may wind up with a wonderful nest egg from it!

wow I think that''s a great post! I know it sums up what I was thinking

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 1/23/2009 11:42:47 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
Elle-- Thanks for the reply. I know he''s all over the map and that things are hard for him right now. Working as a mechanic at a dealership is difficult right now b/c they are extremely slow and he only gets paid per job....so if they are dead he still needs to be at work for 40 hours a week but might only get paid for like 15 hours. Honestly, he''d probably make more money at a stable part-time job than he is making now. I want him to find something that makes him happy, even if it means going back to school and I have no problem supporting us while he does that. I feel like he''s afraid to take that next step b/c he is afraid of a.) failure, and b.) relying on someone else. I definitely do not badger him about getting married. I don''t want to make him do anything he doesn''t want to do, it''s just hard b/c he is sending me mixed messages.

I just don''t know what to say to him tonight to make him understand how I feel or to see where I''m coming from. I''m afraid he''s going to get upset and it''s going to turn into a fight. I absolutely don''t want to break up with him but at the same time, I want to know that we have a future and he considers our future when making decisions, cause if not...am I just wasting my time?

I definitely don''t want to move in with him in hopes that it will speed up an engagement. I just want to start my life with him, I want to fall asleep with him every night and wake up with him every morning. I work full-time and go to school full-time so if he goes back to school too, we''ll never see each other. If we lived together we could help each other and be a support system for one another.

I''m not all that worried about not being able to make the mortgage payments if his jobs or school situation falls through b/c I''ve done it on my own paying way more than our mortgage would be for almost a year. I know I could do it all on my own, I just don''t want to. I want him there.

I absolutely DO NOT want to make him do anything. It''s just hard because he says one thing and does another. I''ve seen first hand what happens when someone is pushed in to something. My dad tried to call off their wedding a week before and my grandfather (my mom''s dad) made him go through with it and it was the worst thing he could have done, I''ve been told I''m the only good thing to come out of it. He slept with her best friend the night before the wedding and she was still a bridesmaid the next day! They were together only until my mom had me and then she realized she and I deserved more. It''s definitely tough...I wish I could look into the future and see what happens. I love him to death but I''m not willing to sacrafice my dreams of marriage and family for someone that doesn''t know what he wants.

i am sure you are already talking to him. Say that, then let him express his thoughts.

I think you are on the right track, just make sure you are saying what you deep down mean (the highlighted)

 

[tlh]

Here''s his tall skinny single guy pumpkin next to my short fat sad single girl pumpkin.



I hope your talk went well.... I guess if it went really well... you might be sleeping in this morning!

 

[LaraOnline]

Totally fab post, Winks! That''s another one I should cut out and keep for my little girl!

The big problem I found for me at that age is a kind of ''frozen in the spotlights'' sensation, an inability to stop dreaming and start moving (in my own direction).
There''s a kind of disbelief in the fact that the guy you''ve poured everything into is just not ''doing it'', after all...
But, at 26, it''s a great time to make the most of your life!
So don''t waste another minute of your time dreaming, or being upset ... just press ahead in making your own life GREAT!!! That you can control!

 

[prettylnpink419]

Thanks for all of your support Ladies!
We did talk Friday night but I had class Friday night, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday. I also had 3 projects due this weekend and a final so it''s been kind of crazy for me. Our talk didn''t go horribly, however, it obviously wasn''t amazing. Essentially he just does not know what he wants to do with his life, he is lost, and therefore not really thinking much about the future right now. I told him I needed a plan. I am plan oriented and I needed to know we had personal and relationship goals that we were working towards and were both on the same page with where things were going. He really needs to see things written down so he asked me to write down what I want from him and what I need him to do. It was really kind of sad. I told him in a dream world how I would see things all work out for both of us individually and together and what I wanted. I asked him the same and he couldn''t even come up with what his "dream" would be. He has no idea, no clue. He is completely lost.

To make matters worse, he lost his job today. A job he hated...but a job nonetheless, so now he has nothing. He is an automotive technician at a car dealership. He said the reason was because he has had 2 cars in the last week come back after he worked on them for other problems so he screwed up. That seems crazy, you make 2 mistakes and your done? Who knows what the real reason is. He just started this job back in October. Before that he was employed at a place doing the same thing and only lasted there about 6 weeks before they laid him off because of lack of work. It has been one job after another since June when he lost his job in Baltimore for consistent lateness (which we considered a blessing b/c he was commuting about 90 minutes each way every day and would get stuck in traffic all the time making that trip and he was torn between leaving that job or moving down there away from me.) He is seriously considering joining the military!

Just the thought of that makes me sad and scared. I worry that by joining the military it will only be delaying the inevitable. He isn''t 18 anymore. If he isn''t going to make a career out of the miliitary then he is only putting off finding a career for another 4 years. After that, then what? He''s back where he is now, only then he''ll be 31 looking for a new career instead of 27.

He was so lost and down on himself before today because he had no real goals for himself or his future, and now to add another job loss to it will only make things worse. I don''t know how to help him or encourage him. I am proud of the person he is and I do love him, I just don''t know what to do. He''s obviously very down on himself right now and when I try to tell him I''m still proud of him and love him he questions why.

I just don''t know what to do, I''m so worried about him, about us, about our future...if there is one. Is this what our life is always going to be like? One job after the other...to the point where I hate answering the phone from him in the middle of the day for fear he just lost another job? I could really use a little dust to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel and he could use a ton of "job finding/career finding" dust to help him get his life in order. I appreciate it a lot! Thanks so much!

 

[Bia]

Well, it sounds like you realize that an engagement is not the answer right now. He obviously needs to figure some things out for himself. If I were you, I would concentrate on getting an apartment. Find solutions to your problems first (you have to take care of yourself, and having a place to live is #1 or #2 on the list of important things). In the meantime be there for him as best you can, b/c he's not doing so hot. By loving him, you also encourage him. If he feels he has run out of options, then be his support, and try not to pepper him with questions about the future.

Ways to help: Send him job information--applications, inquiries, etc. Help him with interview-prep. Help take his mind off of the bad and have fun together!

If you guys want to be together, you will be...NO MATTER what he does or where he goes, end of story. Let that part pan out naturally.


ETA: Forgot to send dust your way!

ETA# 2: Just out of curiosity, how do you know he couldn't make a career out of joining the military? This might be a good move on his part. I know you thought it was random, but didn't he say he wanted to go into something completely different than automotives? Whether or not nuclear medicine is a field he will actively pursue, it sounds like he needs change, drastic change, to make his life more meaningful. The military is not for everyone, but for many its exactly the thing...and it allows people to make many lifelong connections and friendships. It might be worth looking into

 

[jitterymo]

Date: 1/26/2009 2:11:04 PM
Author: Bia
Well, it sounds like you realize that an engagement is not the answer right now. He obviously needs to figure some things out for himself. If I were you, I would concentrate on getting an apartment. Find solutions to your problems first (you have to take care of yourself, and having a place to live is #1 or #2 on the list of important things). In the meantime be there for him as best you can, b/c he''s not doing so hot. By loving him, you also encourage him. If he feels he has run out of options, then be his support, and try not to pepper him with questions about the future.

Ways to help: Send him job information--applications, inquiries, etc. Help him with interview-prep. Help take his mind off of the bad and have fun together!

If you guys want to be together, you will be...NO MATTER what he does or where he goes, end of story. Let that part pan out naturally.


ETA: Forgot to send dust your way!

ETA# 2: Just out of curiosity, how do you know he couldn''t make a career out of joining the military? This might be a good move on his part. I know you thought it was random, but didn''t he say he wanted to go into something completely different than automotives? Whether or not nuclear medicine is a field he will actively pursue, it sounds like he needs change, drastic change, to make his life more meaningful. The military is not for everyone, but for many its exactly the thing...and it allows people to make many lifelong connections and friendships. It might be worth looking into

I second this! also the military will put you though school...and maybe they will put him in a field of nuclear medicine... my dad was in the military for 20 years, it was a blessing to my family, as he knew he''d have a "stable" job and income with benifits...the benifits are amazing...my little brother is also in the military and it is working out well for him, he didn''t join at 18, but 19 almost 20, so he was young but not the youngest....makes decent money, and enjoys the field that he got to choose...

Hope everything works out for you!!!

 

[tlh]

**dust to you and your man getting over life''s little speed bump.**