Help in asking her father

[JamesTheRod]

I''m planning on asking my girlfriend to marry me in the next few weeks, but want to talk to her parents about it first, and ask their blessing/permission/whatever you want to call it. They are very traditional, and I really feel like I need to do this. I am pretty close to them.

Here''s the problem. They just moved about a month ago about 800 miles away. I really kind of want to do it in person, but I just don''t have the money or time to fly down there, and don''t have the time to drive down. I''ve been thinking about maybe doing it over the phone. Is this ok? Any other ideas, or suggestions on how to do it?

Thanks.

 

[innerkitten]

I think that considering how far away you live the phone is fine.
-

 

[Heyjud]

The phone is probably fine and great
But a hand-written note will be top rate

It's the old fashioned way....but they'll be impressed
and it's worth the moment that you'll invest!

 

[elgar]

Send em an email!!

 

[Heyjud]

----------------
On 8/6/2003 2:25:11 PM elgar wrote:

Send em an email!!
----------------

If I got such an e-mail
I'd think it quite rude
Asking for the girls hand
In a manner so crude.

(I still say, snail mail, or a phone call)

 

[mike04456]

----------------
On 8/6/2003 2:25:11 PM elgar wrote:

Send em an email!!

----------------

Don't email him, that would be crass.

A quick fax is the only way to go.

 

[tim_bay_area]

calling them would probably be fine, especially if you are close to them. i recently had to call my fiance's father...in china to ask his permission, but it went fine. most parents would simply appreciate the gesture.

 

[Lanee]

I really love the letter idea because it is something they can save and show your children in the future. The email wouldn't so much offend me, neither would a phone call but, I think my Dad would prefer the phone call if a face-to-face could not be arranged so that at least he could hear the sincerity in your voice. And its immediate-her mother can get excited and immediately ask for details and about the ring and your propsal plan. I think the phone call is the best way to go here. I did take into account that they could call you upon receiving the letter but in the event mom can't get a hold of you the time spent waiting is going to make her insane, it would make my mother. My mother would eventually lose patience and call me to tell me she got that kind of letter and that she's been trying to get a hold of the proposee for details to no avail so had to tell me already but, that's my mother.

much more here than 2 cents, I know

 

[Hest88]

Call 'em. The letter idea is lovely, but since you are supposedly calling to get their assent or blessing, calling is the closest thing to asking in person. If you want an extra touch, you can follow it up with a nice letter thanking them and assuring them that you'll cherish their daughter forever, blah, blah. Wouldn't hurt to also send some flowers along with it, for that extra kiss-up effect.

 

[jswhigham]

----------------
On 8/6/2003 2:39

1 PM Heyjud wrote:

----------------
On 8/6/2003 2:25:11 PM elgar wrote:

Send em an email!!
----------------

If I got such an e-mail
I'd think it quite rude
Asking for the girls hand
In a manner so crude.

(I still say, snail mail, or a phone call)

----------------

I don't know, as a male I think I'd rather receive an email. That way I could promptly respond to the request without him seeing a grown man cry (or fume or laugh).

Seriously though, I'm in a very similar situation and although there is great merit in writing a letter, I think the immediacy and relative intimacy that a phone call provides is preferable. (Also, its harder to say no on the phone

. )
I'm more nervous about asking for the blessing than I am about the proposal so a letter or email would be a copout for me.

Scott Whigham

 

[DP]

Interesting problem. My g/f's Canadian (she lives with me in England) so I was faced with a similar dilemma. I had to wait until her parents came over on holiday until I asked her father permission - several months! When I finally did he was more than a little surprised - it's not a French Canadian tradition and I think he was concerned that his daughter would be robbed of the right to say no

I found it really helped though to talk it through with him - to lead him up to it, if you will, which made it much easier to get the right message across. My $0.02, I reckon you should call him. Especially if you have a good relationship with him. Good luck!

 

[diamondlil]

I like the phone call idea with a follow-up thank-you note and flowers. I think her parents will truly appreciate the gesture.

Diamondlil

 

[jswhigham]

----------------
On 8/6/2003 3:27:20 PM jswhigham wrote:

----------------
On 8/6/2003 2:39

1 PM Heyjud wrote:

----------------
On 8/6/2003 2:25:11 PM elgar wrote:

Send em an email!!
----------------

If I got such an e-mail
I'd think it quite rude
Asking for the girls hand
In a manner so crude.

(I still say, snail mail, or a phone call)

----------------

I don't know, as a male I think I'd rather receive an email. That way I could promptly respond to the request without him seeing a grown man cry (or fume or laugh).

Seriously though, I'm in a very similar situation and although there is great merit in writing a letter, I think the immediacy and relative intimacy that a phone call provides is preferable. (Also, its harder to say no on the phone

. )
I'm more nervous about asking for the blessing than I am about the proposal so a letter or email would be a copout for me.

Scott Whigham
----------------

The phone works!

I summoned up the courage to call my girl's mother.
We had a wonderful,honest conversation in which she gave me
her blessing!

I had struggled with whether or not I would ask for her blessing. I can't adequately express how happy I am that I chose to do so. It should help to allay some of the nervousness I'll experience when
I propose this weekend.
I could tell from our conversation that it meant a lot to her that I asked her. If I had asked via letter her reaction would have been harder to gauge and more importantly we could not have had the great dialog that we had.

Scott Whigham

 

[Hest88]

Congratulations Scott! Just one more step to go!

 

[Rank Amateur]

Nice job Scott.

I wish I would have done the "permission" thing. Very classy.

 

[glitterata]

Another perspective:

I'm all in favor of warm relationships with inlaws. I have a close relationship with my husband's family, and everyone in my family adores him. But I have to say, I'm glad he didn't ask anyone's permission to marry me. It's my life, not theirs; our choice, not theirs.

Plus, asking permission puts everyone in a false position. What are they going to say if they don't like you--no? What are you going to do then, not propose?

Asking for the parents' blessing after the bride and groom have made the decision seems like a much better idea to me.

Anyone else see it this way?

 

[Heyjud]

I think it's awesome and sweet as can be
That you asked for her blessing....
and if that Mom were me

I'd be very happy
and very touched too
that my son-in-law to be
was as thoughtful as you!

 

[Hest88]

----------------
On 8/8/2003 11:26:51 AM glitterata wrote:

Asking for the parents' blessing after the bride and groom have made the decision seems like a much better idea to me.

Anyone else see it this way?
----------------

Not really. If it's important to the parents, why not? In this day and age, we all *know* that asking permission is largely symbolic, so it's hard for me to get worked up over it. In fact, because it's no longer necessary, I think it's even sweeter that a guy would go out of his way to make this old-fashioned gesture. I think to a parent it enphasizes that the guy she's marrying is not the arrogant and thoughtless type who does whatever he wants without a care about what anyone else thinks.

That said, of course if his future *fiancee* thinks it's an insulting gesture, then a blessing would be a better alternative.

 

[jswhigham]

----------------
On 8/8/2003 10

6:13 AM Hest88 wrote:

Congratulations Scott! Just one more step to go!
----------------

The step has been taken!
On 08-09-03, overlooking the ocean at sunrise, I asked for Miss Heather Renae Spears' hand in marriage and she accepted!!!

Scott

 

[DP]

Well done Scott!

To my mind the whole 'permission' thing doesn't put pressure on parents to accept - the days of doing it because the father was expected to pay for the wedding are long gone (unless you count my brother but he's a whole case by himself).

When I asked Lucie's dad I did it out of respect for him, and once I'd explained that it was still her decision

(a little French / English barrier to overcome there for a moment!) he really appreciated me asking him.
Now, if only that ring would come back maybe I could get onto the real question...(there was a backlog at the jewellers I went to to get the diamond set and I've got to wait 8 weeks)

 

[DBOF]

Congrats Scott !!!!!

Brad

 

[DP]

Anyway, calling JamesTheRod while the rest of us are bantering away - what do you reckon you're going to do?

 

[Hest88]

Wonderful, Scott! May you have many decades of bliss!

 

[fire&ice]

Good Job Scott! I, too, believe it is a thoughtful gesture. At the end of the day, all is not about just you two. Having a family full of support & love is joyful.