He doesn''t have a plan (venting...)

[Mandarine]

Hi girls!

I''m a little down and need to vent....I rather vent to you then to my BF (hope you all don''t mind!)....

A little history.....me and my BF first had the "talk" at the beginning of the year. Then I found out he had been looking at rings a while back but we had some downs because he felt I was putting some "pressure" by asking too many questions (which I honestly don''t think was THAT bad) and he wanted to be able to surprise, etc. Then I went on vacation and came back with a completely different attitude and have been happier...not thinking about engagement/marriage so much, etc....but it is obviously still there in the back of my mind. Our two year anniversary is coming up and we are already half way through 2006! (he said we would get engaged this year).

So I have been just wondering if he has a plan...he doesn''t seem like he has, I honestly don''t think he has one. So I just came out and asked him if he had a plan.

He was honest enough to say no....he did say that he has given some thought as to "how"....but no plans.

....I know he''s not trying to throw me off...he really doesn''t have a plan.

When we first talked in January or so, I thought that by now we would be engaged or he would at least have a plan. Because or where we live (Florida) June-November are blocked for having a wedding because of hurricane season....all I can think now is that the engagement will come too late for me to be able to plan something before June of ''07...so now we''re looking at after Nov. ''07....and that just makes me sad

We only see each other on weekends and I won''t move there until we''re married (because I can''t leave my job until we''re married -immigration reasons- and we live over an hour away).....so now I feel I have at least another year and half left to this "weekend" arrangement!

...I honestly don''t know how I will cope with that....

I don''t wnat to have a "talk" with him because we will probably end-up having an argument that won''t take us anywhere. I have been more than open and honest about how I feel, so talking about it might not solve anything. I just don''t get what he''s waiting for...and why doesn''t he at least a plan!!!!

Ok....sorry for the long post....thanks for letting me vent!

M~

 

[caligal]

Mandarine-

Hi sweetie!

A couple of thoughts I had reading this.... we are also in the 2006 engagement group! We also had our 2 year, just last weekend. And I find myself getting more anxious as the time come closer, instead of more content knowing it will be here soon. Now- for you.... is he a planner usually? Like months in advance? Or does he buy your presents a day/week before he gives them to you? Have you looked at rings? Are you planning on a custom setting, or something simple like a solataire? That will depend obviously on how much time he needs to get this done.

For many guys it seems, they don''t plan things as far in advance as we do. And it has no reflection of how excited they are about marriage or any amount of feeling they have for you- it just is their way. Does this sound familiar for him? I would say the way around it, would be to look at rings and talk about what you want- and let him know it does take a while to get the ring in. I''ve heard many stories of guys not realizing how long the process took and wanting to propose within a week of ring purchasing!

My guess is that is waiting to do this has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. I''ve taken it personally as well thinking, "shouldn''t he be dying to marry me?" When I''ve asked my guy this, he says YES! He''s thought about it a lot and just wants to make it right. Ours has finances, his time with new job and school, and his need to feel he can provide for me before he proposes all in the mix. Is he going through any issues like this?

It stinks you will have to continue your "weekend" relationship for longer than you wanted. But, keep in your mind this is just a small amount of time in the lifetime you''ll have together. And there are some positives to living single! You can watch whatever you want on t.v., eat what you want, only shave your legs on the weekend (hee hee), and really take the time to enjoy yourself and time with girlfriends! We''ve lived together for about a year and a half- I miss those single woman times every once in a while!

Do you have a hobby or one you''d like to pick up? A list of good books/chick flicks you''d like to watch? I know it''s not a substitute for your real heart''s desire, but it can help! Keep hangin'' with all us LIW''s- very soon we''ll all be engaged!
Hugs!

 

[Mandarine]

Thanks Caligal!

I do have other things to keep my mind occupied...I actually joined Flamenco classes and I''m looking into going back to school to get a Master''s degree.

He''s ususally a big planner.....I don''t know about gifts, but everything else (vacations, etc) he plans well in advance. As far as looking at rings...this is not an option

....He has a good idea of what I want (round solitaire in a simple platinum setting). I am really not too picky and know I will love whatever he chooses...and he doesn''t think the "girl" should be involved in the ring shopping process. I am actually ok with this and wouldn''t want to be involved anyway...

Now, does he know how long buying the ring? I have no idea. Maybe this is why he doesn''t feel as if he needs to plan right now?....I guess it''s an option

He is going through some other problems right now.....moving, stuff at work, family, etc. So I have been trying to be understanding that he might want to get some things off his plate so that he can concentrate on this. But then other days I feel like this should be his priority!...I don''t know...I go from feeling one way to feeling completely the opposite.

You''re right about those "woman times" and I do love them!.....I''m just afraid I will get sick of waiting and the whole engagement will lose it''s magic because of the feelings I''ve been going through in between.

I know he loves me and wants to marry me....I know I love him just as much and can''t wait to take that new step in our lives...but is it possible that this period will actually damage our relationship?. After I got back form vacation, we had our couple of weeks of crying and both of us getting frustrated because Iwasn''t happy and neither was him. I wanted to hear more about our future and he''s so traditional he feels these are things you talk about *after* you''re engaged. We both decided to give a little. I feel now we''re getting back to were we where, but I can''t see how this type of falling downs is good for our relationship.

Long post again!...I need to get some Kleenex for the tearing! I don''t think a toilet roll looks very chic in my desk!

M~

 

[sk8rjen]

Hi Mandarine! I''m so sorry you are feeling down in the dumps because of this. This whole wait process can be so incredibly frustrating sometimes. I think the worst of it is just knowing that it''s in the guy''s hands and we''re helpless to push it along. We try and it backfires. You two have had to deal with some issues b/c of this, and I would hope for your sake that he''s getting his plan together soon, b/c, like you, I don''t exactly see how these little bumps in the road can be very helpful.

BUT, you''ve pulled back from things and admitted it helped, and have gotten involved in other activities -- it really seems like your life is on track and everything is going to fall into place just fine. So as trite as it sounds, distract yourself and try to stay positive. We''re all here for each other, and like caligal said, we''ll all be engaged soon. Hang in there! (ps -- once you are engaged, this will all be water under the bridge..)

jen

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/7/2006 11:54:28 AM
Author: Mandarine

I do have other things to keep my mind occupied...I actually joined Flamenco classes and I''m looking into going back to school to get a Master''s degree.

Hello. If you end up going for your masters, you really WILL have a LOT to occupy your mind. I am getting mine right now, and the classes really do make the time fly and distract you from every other aspect of your life. During the school year work+2 classes leave me with no time to do anything--even see my guy--so the weekend thing may prove to be perfect in that situation.

I agree that the waiting gets TIRESOME, but if your guy is anything like mine--then a little talk about the future is good, but too much prodding and begging for validation that the future will start soon, makes him turn away a little. I know from plenty of experience that it is hard to contain the excitement of wanting to go ahead and plan for the future, but at the same time, you guys don''t get that much time together. It may be better to just enjoy the time you get to spend together with no (visible) worries about the future. That will be much more fun than a potential argument, right? (it seems to me that guys under pressure tend to back down rather than speed things up). You''ve told him how you feel about it already, right? So he probably has that in mind.

p.s. I think it''s a good idea to vent here rather than to your B.F. Good plan.

 

[allycat0303]

Mandarine,

I''m sorry you''re feeling down. I have to say that I''m glad he was honest and said "no" about having a plan. At least you know he''s not afraid to tell the truth. I think if you''ve told him how you feel (want to be engaged, won''t move down until marriage) then you''ve said everything you have to say. Did you say give him a specific deadline? Did you say "I want to be engaged by the end of this year?" It''s not so clear from your post. But if you DID say that, then take a step back, and let him do his work..because the year isn''t over yet...years are so LONG when you are waiting.

If you only hinted or he said "soon" then you need to sit him down and tell him everything you''ve told us. I think guys can be a bit silly sometimes. Maybe he wasn''t clear on what you wanted. And most importantly WHEN! (as in "I wanted this YESTURDAY") Keep us updated

 

[Mandarine]

Thanks girls

I know we have all kind of been there....so I know it''s better to vent here than to him.

As to the "deadline"...it is pretty clear....it''s this year (set by him, not me). Yesterday I jokingly asked if he was waiting until Dec 31st 11:59pm and he said "I don''t think you would find that too funny!"...I said he was absolutely right!

You''re all right...I need to chill and let him do his thing. I guess it''s hard hearing that he doesn''t even has a plan yet...and to think of how much longer I will be "waiting"

He''s coming down tonight and I will do my bets to bite my tongue and enjoy the weekend...

It might be hard though...I feel pretty sensitive today...maybe it''s the gray/rainy weather and this cold that I can''t get rid of!...

Thanks again

 

[Fancy605]

Yay! He''s coming to see you!

Maybe he doesn''t have a plan because he is waiting for inspiration to hit him? I don''t think guys understand the big deal about well thought out proposals. Oh well. Personally, I have found that the most successful couples I know can''t even remember their proposals. "my dear, that was ages ago!" they always say. So apparently a good, memorable proposal is not an indicator of a successful marriage

(yeah, yeah, I know--a plan would still be nice. Oh well, at least he''s honest. That''s a quallity that I wouldn''t trade for anything)

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 7/7/2006 11:04:29 AM
Author:Mandarine

Our two year anniversary is coming up and we are already half way through 2006! (he said we would get engaged this year).

So I have been just wondering if he has a plan...he doesn't seem like he has, I honestly don't think he has one. So I just came out and asked him if he had a plan. He was honest enough to say no....he did say that he has given some thought as to 'how'....but no plans.

....I know he's not trying to throw me off...he really doesn't have a plan.

When we first talked in January or so, I thought that by now we would be engaged or he would at least have a plan. Because or where we live (Florida) June-November are blocked for having a wedding because of hurricane season....all I can think now is that the engagement will come too late for me to be able to plan something before June of '07...so now we're looking at after Nov. '07....

Ok, my thoughts:

He said you'd be would get engaged this year.....and you accepted that (it seems). That means he has until 12/31 to get it done.

You're disappointed because you thought it would be done by now (even though it was specified at 'this year'). Nothing wrong with being disappointed, but it's important to focus on the fact that he hasn't broken his promise. Even though you thought it *may* be earlier.....well, it wasn't, and that's that.

You've mentioned that your 2-year anniversary is coming up...and I'm sure that's a milestone, but it doesn't change the facts of the commitment he made.....engagement by end of this year. You're letting the anniversary weigh on you and make you impatient.

Regarding hurricane season and its impact on your potential wedding plans......I know that's disappointing, but those factors existed at the time he promised engagement this year. If the ability to marry next year was a high priority to you, I think you needed to have said that in January when you talked about it. That was the time to say "I want us to be married next year, and hurricane season means we need to marry prior to June 07, so we need to be engaged by June 06 to make that doable." In my opinion, it's not fair to press him now if you didn't identify that before. (more on that below)

Let me tell you something about planning: in the world of *most* guys, there is no such thing, and lack of planning doesn't have any correlative significance to the importance of the event/task. My husband will spend 3 weeks planning how he's going to nurture his new lawn

, but he doesn't think about what he's going to need for his big fishing trip (which IS important to him) until 5 minutes before we are heading out the door for that trip! Aggravating, but that just how he is.

Guys don't plan. My friend's BF promised her at Christmas 2004 that they would get engaged by the end of 2005 (nearly same situ as yours). She hoped they'd be engaged by summer vacation in July - nope. Then their anniversary in October - nope. She reminded him of his promise, and he said yes, it will happen. He didn't have a plan in place......he simply strolled out the door the first Sunday of December, bought a ring, and that was that. No planning needed.

Here's the "more on that" about the wedding planning timeframes: Remember that men don't LIVE for their wedding day.....so they are clueless.

They don't know that you need more than a moment's notice to book a hall, and they don't know that it's hard to get a good photographer with less than six months' notice. It's not their thing, so they don't know. So, he wasn't factoring that in when he said "engaged this year".

M, I know it's really hard to wait.....but I think if you press him, you're going to just frustrate him and you. Instead, I'd focus on the fact that the year is already half over, and you KNOW that you won't have to wait any longer than 12/31. If you plan on that date in your head, anything else will be a bonus. You mentioned that he knows waiting until the last day wouldn't be well-received

, so it sounds like he's right on track to me.

Enjoy this time......the anticipation is really half the fun, if you let it be. You KNOW you're getting engaged, it's not an IF, it's a WHEN. How wonderful is that! It's a really special time in your life, so slow down and really savor it.

 

[Mandarine]

Thanks Alj!

Your post made a lot of sense and you''re absolutely right.

I have mentioned to him the whole hurricane season thing, but like you say...I think he''s clueless on how long planning a wedding could take!....

Ok, I feel better now...all vented out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening (reading)

As I was responding the school just called me to talk about my plans to go back for a Masters!.....good timing!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Hi Mandarine.

I hope you''re feeling better since being able to vent. It always helps me!

I don''t know about your boy, but Paul didn''t have much of a *plan* either, until he had the ring stuff figured out. I thought that was kind of backward, since he couldn''t do anything about the money situation *with his car acting a fool and all that* but he COULD think of a plan. For him, he was dealing with enough decision making in picking the ring. Since getting the ring, or at least ordering it, he''s told me that he has a set plan now, because before it was *stressing him out too much* to do both at once. It seems to me anyway, that that''s a common response for guys. They focus on one thing at a time, not a lot of things. I''ve read a lot about how women''s minds tend to be more multi-task oriented, and how men''s are more one-thing-at-a-time oriented.

I hope this is part of what''s going on with your boy. It''s good that he has IDEAS, though. That''s the right step!!

Good luck. Vent whenever you need to. I''ve missed you being around!

 

[Mandarine]

Thanks Fisher!!!!!

I do feel much better!. Last night he came and was being really sweet and told me about our dinner plans to celebrate our 2-year anniversary this weekend

(without me even asking!)

We''re going to go to the restaurant were we had our first date!. I''m excited, he was so cute the way he told me about his plans

I have a cold but started taking some stronger medicine today to start feeling better soon!!!!!

Ok...I gotta go wrap his present before he gets back here!

Talk to you girls soon and thanks for all the messages!!!!!

M~

 

[fisherofmengirly]

OOOH! Happy anniversary! How was it? What was his present? What was yours? Oooh, I hope it was fabulous, Mandarine! Yay!

 

[Ananda]

M: I''m in Florida, too. I''ve thought of the planning thing, also. Tap..tap...tap...tap....All the good places are going to be reserved if someone doesn''t go for it now! On top of risking a hurricane hitting, who wants to have a wedding in the mid-summer Florida HEAT?

I love the idea of taking flamenco classes. I''ve been intending to learn to salsa forever myself. But flamenco...how beautiful! And as for your master''s degree...I say go for it!

Glad you''re feeling better. Hope you had a wonderful time celebrating your anniversary.

 

[sk8rjen]

Happy anniversary (late) Mandarine! Looking forward to hearing all about it! Any surprises?

jen

 

[Mandarine]

Hi girls!!!!!!!!

Well, our actually anniversary is this week, but since we won''t be together we celebrated it this weekend

Friday I cooked for him and Saturday he took me to the resturant were we had our first date!....no surprises, but I wasn''t expecting which is good because I enjoyed the weekend!. I think he meant it when he said he doesn''t have a plan. I didn''t bring out the topic anymore because after venting here I realized he doesn''t really need to have a plan right now and we still have a great relationship!.

He hasn''t given me a gift yet, I got him some CDs which he wanted, so he was very happy!

Thanks for all your messages!!!!

M~

 

[akw94]

Mandarine,
Just thinking about you since I was reading the Managing Your Male thread. I could''ve swore I posted on this thread.

Hmmm, I think that I think about posting much more than I actually do.

Anyway, how''s everything going? Are you feeling any better about the waiting process/period? Sorry that it looks like you won''t have the wedding when you want it, but if he does propose before the end of the year, is it possible you''d have enough time to plan something before but close to June? Can you do any pre-planning to help?

Waiting is tough, especially for those of us who generally don''t sit back and wait for things, especially important things. I know that I am not the sit back and wait type so it seems kinda ridiculous sometimes to wait for something that we both seem to want so much. But I try to accept where my bf is coming from and let it go. I think that I would feel like you, if it goes beyond the timeline, then there''s a problem but otherwise, you have to find some way to remain patient and enjoy today. Not that much fun all the time though... I also think you''re right about the fact that they don''t get how much time it takes to plan. I''ve got my next 2 years planned out so I try to take into consideration the details needed to make those plans happen. His plans are more generic and he doesn''t worry much about the next part of the plan until the first part is done. But I feel like if you have to consider all parts of something in order to make the best decisions. Anyway...

Just hoping you''re feeling better.

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 7/18/2006 3:43:52 PM
Author: dixie94

Waiting is tough, especially for those of us who generally don''t sit back and wait for things, especially important things. I know that I am not the sit back and wait type so it seems kinda ridiculous sometimes to wait for something that we both seem to want so much. But I try to accept where my bf is coming from and let it go. I think that I would feel like you, if it goes beyond the timeline, then there''s a problem but otherwise, you have to find some way to remain patient and enjoy today. Not that much fun all the time though... I also think you''re right about the fact that they don''t get how much time it takes to plan. I''ve got my next 2 years planned out so I try to take into consideration the details needed to make those plans happen. His plans are more generic and he doesn''t worry much about the next part of the plan until the first part is done. But I feel like if you have to consider all parts of something in order to make the best decisions. Anyway...

Just hoping you''re feeling better.

Hi Dixie!

Thanks for your message!! You''re so right!. I think if he were to go beyond his own timeline that will be a major problem! (for me...and him!)....so technically he has until Dec. 31 11:59pm of 2006!.

I am feeling much better. We have had lots of good talks since this and I can honestly say I''m feeling better (who knows for how long though...hehe

). I understood were he''s coming from and the 1,000 things he has going on right now and he wants to get off his plate (business, family and new home/real estate). As much as I hate waiting, I understand the time has to be right for both of us, not just me

.

I was kind of freaking out over the June vs. November thing. Then my best friend told me straight (and kind of annoyed..heheeh) "RELAX! what difference does a few months make if you guys have your whole lives to be together????". I then realized (really realized) I was making the issue bigger than it was. I was not happy and in turn he wasn''t happy either.....nobody was happy!.

I don''t think I can pull off a wedding in less than 8 months (although he did say he though of course I could! he actually said I could do it in 5 months or so)....That''s when I realized he really doesn''t know about planning!. I know many girls do it, but in my case it''s different because a LOT of people need to travel and they need plenty of advance notice. I will also probably be planning a wedding in another country, which adds to the planning process.

So...I finally came to terms with knowing it won''t be before June....and that''s ok. November is a great month to get married!!!!

Now my sisters and nephews are visiting..for two weeks! so I really won''t have time (at least in July) to be worrying about this!....which is nice!. It will also give him some "alone" time, which hopefully he will use wisely

!. Before I know it, we will be in September!

. We are building a new house and it will be ready in September/October. For now (until we''re married) he will live there alone....but we are doing everything together so it''s very exciting! (designing, decorating, etc). I honestly think he''s waiting for the house to be done

Anyway...sorry for the long post!....thanks for your note and I will keep you all posted!!!

M~

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hey Mandarine!

I just wanted to say I''m glad to hear that you''re feeling better about everything. November is a great month to get married!!! I''ve kinda secretly wanted to get married in the fall when the leaves are changing. It sounds like you''ll be plenty busy to keep your mind occupied until the happy day comes!!!

 

[akw94]

Mandarine,
Glad you''re feeling better and staying busy! That certainly helps. It''s great that you two are talking about this and you feel ok w/letting him deal w/whatever he''s got going on (to a certain extent, of course!). I think you''re right about the date of the wedding...certainly not the most important thing and it will be beautiful regardless. Building a new house sounds like a lot of fun, especially when you''re involved in the process.
Glad all is going well.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I''m glad you''re doing better with things now. I know it''s a struggle to stay at that point, but congrats for making it there. Here''s hoping it stays that way.

How is your doggie doing lately? Mine pants all the time like the summer heat is going to kill her, as she lounges in the air conditioning. Crazy mutt!