He can't give me any sort of timeline.

[mmi]

Hi all, long-time lurker here. Quick background: we are 22 and 24 and have been together for 6 years. We are both currently working on grad degrees. I've always been adamant about waiting until engagement until we move in together but in the past few months my opinion has changed. Probably because I just want to move things forward in any way I can!

Here is the problem. We have had many in-depth conversations about living together, etc. But he can't give me a timeline. And I kinda feel like that is a requirement for me to live with him. I don't want to be one of those women who expects a proposal one year after moving in and ends up waiting 5 years! He couldn't even tell me if it would be closer to 1 year or 5 years. It all depends on when he gets a "decent" job, but his definition is so vague.

So I don't know what to do. I have to renew my 1-year lease (living w/ roommates) within the next 3 months and I am so conflicted about what to do. I really want to live with him. This sounds horrible, but I'm finding it hard to trust him when he can't give me any sort of timeline whatsoever!

mmi

 

[amc80]

Just out of curiosity- why are you so big on living together before getting engaged? Is your goal to be engaged or is your goal to live with him?

From what I've witnessed (through many friends), the engagement just gets prolonged even more when you live together first, at least in cases where there isn't some sort of time line.

 

[mochamamasita]

I kind of went through a similar situation with my boyfriend last year. I've also been with my boyfriend for 6 years. Essentially, he wanted to wait until he was "financially stable" before getting married. He couldn't define what he meant by "financially stable" and he had no idea when he would meet that goal. All that he would tell me is that we'd be married within the next 5 years. (He told me this when we'd already been dating 5 years!!!) I'm the type of person who likes for the relationship to be progressing, and I figured that if we couldn't move forward by getting married, then we could move forward by living together. In the end, I decided not to live with him because what I really wanted was marriage, not a roommate, and I wasn't willing to compromise what I really wanted by living together for an indefinite amount of time. My advice to you would be not to live with him unless he gives you a real timeline of how long you guys will live together before getting married. If he won't give you a timeline, then I think you should live separately and just wait for the proposal because you might grow to resent him if you end up living together for 5 years ringless. If you're having a hard time with dealing with the fact that he won't give you a timeline, then you could set an internal deadline and that way you'll feel like you have some control over the situation. Good luck.

 

[mmi]

amc80 - My goal is just to see him more often. Right now we live about 45 min. apart and really only spend time together on weekends. This would continue for 2+ more years if we didn't live together...

mocha - Good point. It's just a lose-lose situation for me right now. I'm not enjoying living on my own or with roommates as much as I thought. I just want to be closer to him. But I could definitely see resentment building...

Damned if I do, damned if I don't!

 

[chemgirl]

I'm sure you've already thought of this, but why not move a bit closer rather than renew your lease? You don't have to either live in your apartment or live with him...there are alternatives. Do you go to the same school? I'm guessing not since you don't see each other often during the week. If you were to move closer to him, would that make it difficult for you to go to school? If not, then why not just find a place (or a room if you're interested in roomates) and do that for a while?

 

[amc80]

I agree with what the previous posters said. Don't move in with him just so you can spend more time with him. If he doesn't have a time line, it will probably be a LONG time before your engaged. Move closer to him. Get a room mate or rent a room or whatever. That achieves your goal of being closer to him, but still gives him the space he needs to decide what he wants to do.

 

[mmi]

Thank you everyone for the replies so far! I wish it were so easy. We do go to the same school. I live right off campus in an inexpensive place, and he lives at home 45 minutes away. It wouldn't be practical (financially and otherwise) for me to pick up and move to his town when it will mean a longer commute for me each day. He is interested in getting an apartment together close to campus, but I am hesitant because of the reasons I mentioned above...

 

[amc80]

Ah, that makes sense.

Why can't he move closer to campus, but live with a room mate?

 

[mmi]

amc80 - He doesn't see the point, when he is getting essentially free room/board at home (and free food!)... so when he moves out, he wants it to be with me.

 

[amc80]

I would have an honest conversation with him. Tell him that while you really do want to live with him, you are hesitant to do so when he can't given you even a rough time line. Don't be whiny or confrontational or appear to be giving an ultimatum. Just be honest and view the discussion as a time to share information.

 

[Seattle SC]

Just curious, has he ever lived on his own before? I know the feeling of being able to live at home and have my parents cook dinner for me and not have to worry much besides going to work but it would probably be good for him to live without a female to fall back on. It's easy to get comfortable in the situation you're in, once you move in together - and it's a lot harder to move out if you suddenly change your mind (it feels as though you're progressing backwards in the relationship rather than forward if you do). I've been living with my bf for a couple of years now, but I regret having him move in as soon as I did. I primarily did it though, because it was better financially for us, and I hated who he lived with before so I would never go to his place. Do I think that we'd be engaged sooner if he didn't move in? Who knows. I have brought up the idea of moving out at times and it's seriously offended him as though something is wrong - I'll admit, I do feel strung along sometimes, because it's awfully convenient for him to have a woman around the house who cleans and cooks on occassion too.

 

[Anonymous]

Honestly, he just doesn't seem ready to commit himself to your relationship enough to comfortably move in with him. If he's unwilling to move closer to you, unwilling to give you any kind of timeline at all and unwilling to work with you to come up with one...

Personally, I think living together before you're married is really important. I also believe it's VERY important to be on the same page before you do move in together, otherwise you'll inevitably end up fighting and resenting each other. Given the little info that you've shared, I would not move in yet unless your relationship is extremely healthy communication wise and you can work together to help you get to a place where you don't feel so uneasy with the situation. That's just my 2 cents, which is about what it's worth.

 

[Autumnovember]

Honestly, he just doesn't seem ready to commit himself to your relationship enough to comfortably move in with him. If he's unwilling to move closer to you, unwilling to give you any kind of timeline at all and unwilling to work with you to come up with one...

Personally, I think living together before you're married is really important. I also believe it's VERY important to be on the same page before you do move in together, otherwise you'll inevitably end up fighting and resenting each other. Given the little info that you've shared, I would not move in yet unless your relationship is extremely healthy communication wise and you can work together to help you get to a place where you don't feel so uneasy with the situation. That's just my 2 cents, which is about what it's worth.

Totally agree. I also believe living together before being married is really important. I'm really glad that I had the chance to live with my Fiance before we got engaged because it really opened my eyes up to a lot of different things.

 

[mmi]

Hey all,

He already knows that I feel uncomfortable about not having a timeline. I've told him this several times in the past few years (not in a whiny way, but an open way). He doesn't see it as that important. To him, marriage is something we can "work toward" if we get a place. Ehhh. He doesn't want to get married until he has a job good enough to support us. I don't really understand this hang-up because my degree will pay twice as much as his (I try not to bring this up). He knows I am in a living situation that I don't particularly enjoy (living in a giant complex full of rowdy undergrads, whooppeee!). But hey, rent is cheap and my friends, i.e. roommates, don't feel like leaving. Living alone would cost $250 more per month.

Sorry to go off on that tangent. I just don't know how to approach this anymore. We've had many open and honest discussions that have honestly gotten us nowhere. I'm afraid I am sending mixed messages by saying "I would love to get a place with you" but "I'm too worried about our timeline". He's a dude and therefore has a "let's do this now and worry about that later" mentality. Oh, to be that simple... And now I'm forced to decided whether or not to renew my lease within the next three months.

 

[amc80]

And now I'm forced to decided whether or not to renew my lease within the next three months.

At this point, I think you should make the decision based on what's best for you. If you are okay with moving in with him, knowing and understanding that you don't have a time line, do it. We can't make that decision for you.

 

[chemgirl]

Definitely don't move in with him if you're not comfortable with the lack of timeline. It shouldn't even be up for debate. Its his right to take as much time as he needs before feeling that he can give you a solid timeline. Its also your right to do what you need to do for yourself until your needs have been met. So if you need a timeline in order to feel secure moving in together, then wait until you have one.

If you're tired of the atmosphere in your current place, what about moving in to an apartment a bit further from campus and living with only one or two other people? I ended up doing this during the last few years of school. In my city, apartments that are a 15-20 minute walk to campus are far cheaper than the ones that are right next to it. The price usually isn't too bad if you share it with another person. Maybe try to find a roomate and move to a quieter location where you can have more privacy?

I know I'm giving a dissenting opinion here, but maybe your boyfriend is just trying to be responsible before giving you a timeline? He might be worried about the job market and realize that a job right out of school isn't guaranteed. Maybe he's afraid he'll give you a timeline and then be unable to stick to it because of financial reasons? I can see him maybe feeling stressed out about the possibility of letting you down in the future.

 

[mmi]

Ehh, I am not really "ok" with either scenario, hence my dilemma. I'm having trouble expressing how important the timeline is to me, because he doesn't see it the same way. I don't want to sound whiny, as you said. Any suggestions?

 

[Anonymous]

Definitely don't move in with him if you're not comfortable with the lack of timeline. It shouldn't even be up for debate. Its his right to take as much time as he needs before feeling that he can give you a solid timeline. Its also your right to do what you need to do for yourself until your needs have been met. So if you need a timeline in order to feel secure moving in together, then wait until you have one.

If you're tired of the atmosphere in your current place, what about moving in to an apartment a bit further from campus and living with only one or two other people? I ended up doing this during the last few years of school. In my city, apartments that are a 15-20 minute walk to campus are far cheaper than the ones that are right next to it. The price usually isn't too bad if you share it with another person. Maybe try to find a roomate and move to a quieter location where you can have more privacy?

I know I'm giving a dissenting opinion here, but maybe your boyfriend is just trying to be responsible before giving you a timeline? He might be worried about the job market and realize that a job right out of school isn't guaranteed. Maybe he's afraid he'll give you a timeline and then be unable to stick to it because of financial reasons? I can see him maybe feeling stressed out about the possibility of letting you down in the future.

This. Good points, chemgirl!

 

[Anonymous]

Ehh, I am not really "ok" with either scenario, hence my dilemma. I'm having trouble expressing how important the timeline is to me, because he doesn't see it the same way. I don't want to sound whiny, as you said. Any suggestions?

I'm not sure what other suggestions we can offer. At this point, it sounds like you've stated your concerns calmly (several times) and it hasn't changed how he feels about the topic. I don't think there's anything to do now other than decide what you want to do, which we can't do for you. It's hard. You love him, you want to be with him more often. He's 22 (or 24, I don't know which is which) and lives at home. Essentially, he doesn't want to be independent of his parents or his gf. Personally, that's a bit of a red flag for me. At this age, I'd think that he'd at least consider moving closer to you on his own. Stay at each other's places if allowed by roommates. Get to know each other more over the next year with more time together. There's essentially no difference financially between him moving in with you and him moving in with someone else, right? If you see him so infrequently, how do you know that it's going to work out for you two living together 24/7 and he won't just move back home w/you being stuck w/an apartment of your own? It feels like you're taking almost all of the risk.

I don't know what else to say.

 

[Amys Bling]

I mean this in the nicest way possible... you two are NOT in the same place! Which is a big problem. I understand that you are both working on masters' degrees, and 22 and 24 (if he is 22 you have to - no offense to the guys here- factor in the maturity rule of 3...females are typically 3 years more mature than their age- so I have heard from somewhere... so if you are 24 now it's more like you are 27 in maturity) and obviously you are more "there" than he is. I think this is kinda common, for the females in the relationship to be ready sooner than the guy is...

22 and 24 is not that old! I am 26 and got engaged this year and have been with my FI for 11 years... I totally get that you are ready to move forward....but you are not that old and you have sooo much time. If he isn't ready for the "moving-in" "getting engaged stage" the worst thing you can do is push too hard or force it. If he isn't there and you push him into it too soon, he will likely resent you and his heart won't be in it.

You are at a crossroads.... do you want to be engaged so badly that you are willing to push him away with all of this pressure, or do you love him soo much that you want him to be sure and ready and to enjoy the living together new-ness and engagedness?

He wants to live home, save money, and get a good job to support the two of you- sounds like someone who wants the best for himself and his future FI.... and hey, with that good job and saving of money it also means the "perfect" ring for his FI...

just some food for thought.

 

[swingirl]

Moving in with your boyfriend because you don't like living alone or with roommates just isn't a good enough reason. Your bf sounds like the mature one if he wants to live at home, save money and get a career going before he takes the next big step. Living together shouldn't just be for the convenience of location. And if you are on the same campus you certainly have the opportunity to see each other more often than just on the weekends (lunch, studying together, dinner, cozy time at your apartment before he heads home). You actually have the opportunity to spend more time together than a lot of married couples. So what's the rush? He's obviously not ready.

 

[sphenequeen]

His unwillingness to give you a timeline is a sure sign that he is not ready - and at 22 and 24 and in the midst of grad school, there is nothing wrong with NOT being ready to take a major step like marriage.

One thing that stood out about the OP was what you were saying about your willingness to compromise your principles to "move things along." You initially did not want to move in with him unless you were engaged, but now that you cannot get that from him, you are pressuring him for a timeline! Just take a step back and let him come to you. Why are we as women so eager when men should be courting US?

As other posters have stated, perhaps the best course of action is to move closer to him if you want to spend more time together. Otherwise, make the best of your weekends together!

 

[mmi]

Thanks for the replies everyone. To clarify, I am 22 and he is 24. You're right that not liking my current living situation is not a good reason for moving in together. It sure would make things a lot easier if I did! I would definitely prefer to wait until he is 100% on board and ready; of course, I could be waiting a while.

This is in response to "shouldn't men be the ones doing all the courting??": I'm not one of those ladies from the 1940's who sits on her pretty bottom twiddling her thumbs waiting for her man to propose. I like to feel like somewhat of an equal in this relationship, and my feelings have as much weight at his. Engagement, to me, should be more of a mutual decision between a couple.

But I, like most human beings, can't help looking around me, seeing couples we know get engaged and married, having babies, buying houses, while for us just LIVING TOGETHER is at some unknown distance on the horizon, and think, "is there something wrong with us?" I just have to trust in the slow progress that we are making, but it's hard when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[mmi]

He wants to live home, save money, and get a good job to support the two of you- sounds like someone who wants the best for himself and his future FI.... and hey, with that good job and saving of money it also means the "perfect" ring for his FI...

just some food for thought.

 

[swingirl]

But I, like most human beings, can't help looking around me, seeing couples we know get engaged and married, having babies, buying houses, while for us just LIVING TOGETHER is at some unknown distance on the horizon, and think, "is there something wrong with us?" I just have to trust in the slow progress that we are making, but it's hard when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Really? That seems very young. I have a 20 and 23 year old and none of their friends are married or engaged. Most of them are still working on their college degrees, securing jobs and paying off student loans. Maybe it's the economy or location I live in. I guess it's difficult when you compare yourself to your friends and not able to jump on board.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Thanks for the replies everyone. To clarify, I am 22 and he is 24. You're right that not liking my current living situation is not a good reason for moving in together. It sure would make things a lot easier if I did! I would definitely prefer to wait until he is 100% on board and ready; of course, I could be waiting a while.

This is in response to "shouldn't men be the ones doing all the courting??": I'm not one of those ladies from the 1940's who sits on her pretty bottom twiddling her thumbs waiting for her man to propose. I like to feel like somewhat of an equal in this relationship, and my feelings have as much weight at his. Engagement, to me, should be more of a mutual decision between a couple.

But I, like most human beings, can't help looking around me, seeing couples we know get engaged and married, having babies, buying houses, while for us just LIVING TOGETHER is at some unknown distance on the horizon, and think, "is there something wrong with us?" I just have to trust in the slow progress that we are making, but it's hard when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I dont think she meant it like that it was just a passing comment, and I dont think it was directed at you just rhetorical.

But we all feel the same way you do, we all look around and think WHY do we have to wait. Why should I have to prove to him that I am good enough etc etc. Why am I ready and he still has to think about it, whats to think about? I love him even though he has his faults, why doesnt he love me! (ok thats probably a bit dramatic lol, but I must admit to feeling this way from time to time)

Thats why we come here, to vent it out.

No one thinks you should sit idily by and be passive in your own relationship, we are women hear us roar, etc etc.

 

[mmi]

I've lived in the Midwest and the South, and it is very common in both places. And I'm not talking shotgun weddings or anything. Those are very rare among my circles (just in case anyone equates that kind of thing with the Midwest/South!). I get barraged with ultrasound photos on my Facebook. My best friend from home is almost due with her second child with her husband. And yeah, I know several couples our age buying houses. I'd love to know how they do it.

I'm not saying that I want these things BECAUSE these people have them, but sometimes you get a little sensitive and maybe give your relationship a second look... Normal, right?

Natalie, it's nice I have somewhere to vent!

 

[mary poppins]

Ehh, I am not really "ok" with either scenario, hence my dilemma. I'm having trouble expressing how important the timeline is to me, because he doesn't see it the same way. I don't want to sound whiny, as you said. Any suggestions?

I understand your angst as a result of being in this relationship for quite some time, but you are both still young and and getting started.

Read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. When you're done reading the book, turn to the beginning and read it again to make sure you get it. Your boyfriend's comments and behavior are completely in alignment with the sentiments in this book, and the book makes a lot of sense.

Your boyfriend wants to get himself in a good position before making promises regarding a big commitment. You are looking around comparing yourself to others and making yourself unhappy. In addition, you're using that as a reason to pressure your boyfriend in order to remedy a living situation you are not happy with (or you've convinced yourself that you're not happy in your current arrangement just because you want to move your relationship forward to keep up with others). You've approached the topic several times and he's provided the same prudent and common sense response. Do what you need to do to make yourself a happy person in your living arrangement and stop pressuring your boyfriend. Otherwise, you risk making him run, run, run like the bejeezus away from you.

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

chemgirl » 02 Nov 2010 11:56
Definitely don't move in with him if you're not comfortable with the lack of timeline. It shouldn't even be up for debate. Its his right to take as much time as he needs before feeling that he can give you a solid timeline. Its also your right to do what you need to do for yourself until your needs have been met. So if you need a timeline in order to feel secure moving in together, then wait until you have one.

Chem girl hit it on the nose. And so did Mary Poppins.

Honestly, he probably is thinking about the future and he doesn't feel secure in proposing when he has no solid financial standing. By proposing he is taking on a great responsibility and honestly in a guy's mind he needs to be ready financially (in his terms and with a solid career). Just breathe !

 

[4ever]

My gut feeling is you should renew your lease with your flatmate/s.

I think you know this is the right thing to do also, your just frustrated because you feel like your relationship is stagnant and there is no sign yet of when it will be moving forward.