Having to meet the boyfriend''s ex?

[LiveLaughLove]

Hey ladies! I have a question for ya'll.

My BF and I have been together for 3.5 years and he is the greatest- I love him to pieces. He was previously with someone before me for over 4 years but they broke up on mutual terms- they were very young and had a lot of problems. Anyway, they don't talk to each other, but if they see each other they are civil with each other. However, in the beginning of our relationship she kept trying to contact him and cause problems in our relationship, and she made it very clear that she was upset that he had found someone else. My BF let her know that he had moved on and she should do the same. She actually is in a LTR, but I guess my bf said she can be a very jealous/manipulative kind of person. But anyways......

Here's the (kinda) problem: My BF is VERY close with this ex gf's cousin. They continued their friendship even after he broke up with his ex. This cousin is getting married in July and of course my BF is invited and has told me that he wants me to come with him as his date. I do want to go, but I don't at the same time- I really don't want any drama and I have a feeling this ex will be not too friendly with me. I also will not know one single person there...I am pretty outgoing but am not too comfortable in large groups of people where I don't know anyone.

SO, my question is: Would you go? Have you or anyone you know been in a similar situation as me?

I know this sounds kinda petty that I'm thinking about not going, but I really hate confronation and would rather not meet this particular ex if I don't have to. Any advice would be appreciated- thanks ladies!

 

[Circe]

Meeting exes is always tough ... but if she''s been civil to your BF since they resolved their drama, and if she''s close to the bride or groom, then hopefully she''ll continue to behave in a mature fashion. Me, I''d go, having girded my loins (and other body parts) with a fabulous outfit and a calm demeanor, just because I know that I''d, a) feel simultaneously miffed and curious if I were to abstain, and b) because my inner machismo would have issues with appearing to cede territory (but that''s just me, and YMMV). Now, as for how to be comfortable in large groups of strangers ... that''s a bigger issue. My trick is to regard it as a performance of sorts, at least until I find a kindred spirit or at least some common ground: a kind of "fake it till you make it" approach to having a good time. More often than not, it works!

 

[mimzy]

it might be uncomfortable, but i would definitely go. why throw away a chance to go to a wedding with your boyfriend over someone who you''ve A)never met B)your BF doesn''t talk to anymore and C)most likely won''t care that you are there? If your boyfriend feels comfortable enough to go, then you should too. if she''s in a LTR the chances are pretty slim to none that she would risk throwing that away just to cause a scene about you. she might not be looking forward to it, but that doesn''t mean that she''s going to do anything about it. any "confrontation" would probably just be an awkward introduction and a fake smile or two - nothing to get upset about.

i would look at it just like any other wedding that your BF is invited to. sure you may not know a lot of people, but your BF isn''t likely going to abandon you. it''s just a few hours of your life. it won''t be a big deal (unless you make it a big deal......and in that case i would beg you not to....because it''s not necessary)

 

[LiveLaughLove]

Thanks ladies! I think I will definitely go.

It''s in the beginning of July...which is coming up soon - I''ll let you know how it goes.

 

[diamondfan]

I would GO. Why give her any reason to think there is an issue? Hold your head high. Be pleasant. Walk away if you need to. Say, oh, it has been nice chatting, but I need to...(find the ladies room, get another soda...) you get the idea. I would not let her know that there is ANYTHING about meeting her that bothers or worries you. Be casual when introduced, and if she mentions she is his ex, say Oh, Bf mentioned you. If she does not mention she was his ex, when she says her name, say, Oh yes, I know who you are. I would make sure she knows YOU know all about her. Do not give her an advantage or a theoretical one. I am sure she knows from her cousin that he is coming, and she likely hopes he comes alone. Do not give her that.

Hopefully time has passed and she has moved on. That would be the best thing. And maybe she is happy in her relationship and will be a total delight. That would be great.

 

[pjean]

Another vote for going, and going in a fabulous dress with great shoes.

 

[diamondfan]

Mimzy also has a point, she might be worried about YOU and it will be a non issue.

I would not A: let someone I do not know keep me from a fun event with my honey and B: let someone who might have bad intent go to the event without my being a presence.

Hopefully she will not make a scene, and will avoid much interaction. Or she might turn out be be fine.

Look great, be upbeat, and you will be fine!

 

[bee*]

I''d definitely go. Wear a fab dress and have a great night. I wouldn''t let her get to you at all.

 

[chiquitapet]

One more vote for going. Have a great night with your BF and if any issue arises, just be calm and collected and don''t let her get to you. You`ve got the man, after all.

 

[monarch64]

Another vote for going...walk in there with confidence and don''t worry about anything else. You''ll be fine!

 

[Independent Gal]

Get an absolutely killer dress, wear an absolutely stunning smile, go, and have fun.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ditto to Indy---plus killer shoes!!!!

 

[HollyS]

I''d go. And I wouln''t put up with a moment''s nonsense from Miss Ex. At all. Hopefully everyone will behave like adults and do nothing embarrasing or stupid. That admonishment includes you.

 

[Just_Me]

Another vote to go! And to look fabulous!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Go.

Go.

Go.

Not going means you are letting the opinions and behavior of someone completely outside of your life dictate your actions. That''s not okay. He is your boyfriend now. Not hers. I''d attend and be proud as heck to be on the arm of my SO. The behavior you are talking about happened over 3 years ago when they first broke up. Perhpas by now she has let go of her attachment and has moved on herself. What a shame if you were to miss an enjoyable event and find out after the fact that you really had nothing to be worried about.

Good luck!

 

[havernell]

I''m going to join in the chorus and say go. Besides all of the good points above, what are you going to do if, say, next summer your BF''s friend has a BBQ that both you and his cousin/the ex-GF are invited to? Are you not going to go to that as well on account of her? Or when your BFs friend''s wife has a baby shower and both you and the ex-GF are invited? Where would the avoidance every stop? Clearly, you are going to cross paths with this girls sometimes if you continue to date your BF, so I would just get the meeting over with sooner rather than later. Postponing the meeting will only drive you more and more batty the longer it goes.

Plus, if she acts up at the wedding, it will just look bad on her and people will sympathize with you. So you lose nothing.

Good luck with it all!

 

[TryingAgain]

You definitely have to go. You also definitely need to look killer.

It probably won''t be so bad since the ex doesn''t seem to be completely horrible.

 

[dragonfly411]

I''m in a similar situation but at the same time not. One of my SO''s family members just passed away, and SO was very close to him as was SO''s family. I imagine the ex MIGHT show up. She is..... away.... so to speak. Her brothers recently met me (they idolize my SO) and love me. We''ve all been invited to the funeral... not sure if I should go as I didn''t know the person very well, and again, ex might be there, but she is also very dramatic, manipulative etc, and might try to talk to my SO even though he would want nothing to do with it. I know even HE is debating going, but I know if he goes he''d want me there, as would the two brothers in all likelihood.... Not sure what to do.


I say go to the wedding. The cousin sounds like an important friend to your boyfriend, and I''d go mainly to make a point in case the girl does try to manipulate her way into talking to him, but ALSO so that you can meet the cousin, she might be able to make some common ground somewhere and make things peaceful.
My SO''s ex was very much the same, manipulative, jealous, and tried to break us up in the beginning. I imagine if you can find some common ground things might get peaceful though....

 

[dncer228]

i too say go. this is a chance for you to have a wonderful time w/your boyfriend (and drop some subtle wedding hints of your own

). If the ex does show up-be cordial if she approaches but otherwise act like she isn''t there.

I''m sure the cousin will handle the situation if the ex decides to get out of hand.

I just met my bf''s ex (the girl he dated before me-they too broke up on mutual terms right before my bf moved from IL to AZ). At first, it was akward for me b/c his mom had mentioned I looked just like her (great)and when she pulled up to the house before dinner,she was by herself (her fiance wasn''t in the car) which made me really nervous. the fiance showed up a few mins later in his car and we went out to dinner (funny thing is the fiance looked just like my bf!!). the night went well but I had a hard time only b/c i was frustrated about going out w/his ex and she was getting married which wasn''t fair!! but I made it through

focus on having a good time w/your bf-if you do that, nothing else will matter

good luck and have fun!!

 

[LegacyGirl]

I''d go.

 

[allycat0303]

I would definitely go.

BUT. I would have to remind myself, no drama of any kind whatsoever NO MATTER how he acts toward her, or how she acts toward you, etc. You have to ensure that you can be completely zen about it. I think there is nothing worst then showing any sort of jealousy, anger, being miffed when meeting exes (even when if you know she is being a total witch.)

Good luck!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Go, look fantastic, be sickeningly nice and polite to her. Like someone else said, be zen. Even if she does try something, just act like you don''t even notice. Hell, act like you don''t even know she IS the ex. Just treat her as any old random acquaintance you''re introduced to. Because really, she''s so far in the past that she practically is just another random anyway.


In a sick way, I''m a bit curious about SO''s ex. Probably because I''ve heard a lot about her-- almost entirely bad. I doubt I''ll ever meet her, though. I''ve never been curious about an ex before, but maybe it''s also because they lived together.