Wedding Groomsmen...what if you don''t like them????

[erskavates]

So, just thinking ahead, I think I''m going to be in the middle of a groomsmen dilemma. It kind of goes like this:

I have one sister. He has 2 sisters. Together thats 3 girls.

I have one brother. He has one brother. Together thats 2 guys. So, to even things out, he would need to add one friend, which is fine with me.

However, the problem is that we''d both like to have more people. My list would jump from 3 right to 7 because I couldn''t choose one friend and not have all 4. But my friends are great, so that''s not the issue. The issue is that 2 of his friends (who happen to be brothers) I really don''t care for at all. One I can tolerate, but the other one, for lack of a better word, SUCKS, and is also an alcoholic.

So my question is this-- am I obligated to include someone in my wedding who I really can''t stand? I know he is a friend for something like 15 years, but I don''t trust him to be mostly-sober and respectful that day.

Any ideas?

 

[somethingshiny]

While I understand the need for your bridal party to be dependable on your wedding day, if your husband wants his friend to stand up with him, that''s his choice.

My wedding party was a virtual who''s who of dating. I dumped one of the groomsmen to go out with my DH. My maid of honor and the best man had a terrible history, and she dated both other groomsmen, too. One of my other bridesmaids had several romps with the best man. And, my little sis was currently crushing on my ex. But, my husband and I couldn''t imagine our wedding without these people. So, while it''s not for the feint of heart, if it''s important to your FI, I say suck it up.

Good Luck

 

[karasue91]

Definitely voice your concerns to your FI, but it should be up to him....Just let him worry about his side and you worry about your side... and if this guy starts getting out of control, make it clear that he is FI''s responsibility to deal with. It''s FI''s wedding too, and if he considers this guy a good friend, then I would just let it go. I''m just thinking about if the situation were reversed and FI tried to tell me I couldn''t have one of my good friends in my wedding, I would be pissed!!!

You have enough to worry about already, don''t worry about stuff that is FI''s responsibility!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/31/2007 10:04:25 AM
Author:erskavates

I don''t trust him to be mostly-sober and respectful that day.

Is this actually a concern, realistically? If so... why not talk to your FI about it?

I had a similar concern about a guest (not a groomsman, so not as big a deal, but still). I spoke to FI about it because I kept having little visions of this guy getting plastered at the open bar and hopping from our venue to any of the other venues (there are 6 on the vast property of our venue). The truth was, I had never seen him under circumstances similar to a wedding, and figured he''d act the same way he always does. FI had, though, and assured me that he knew when it wasn''t appropriate to take his partying too far, which eased my mind a great deal.


Anyway, in the end, NO you have no right to dictate who is in your groom''s party. It should be entirely his choice. That said, if you truly are worried about his conduct at the wedding, there''s no reason you shouldn''t just ask your FI whether or not your worry is justified.

 

[erskavates]

I just have concerns about this guy, or anyone in the whole wedding party, doing something embarassing and upsetting either of us. its our party, we shouldn''t have to be policing our friends and family, you know? And I think if he wanted to veto one of my friends, with a good reason of course, I would listen. It''s not the tablecloths, flowers, and food that I worry about-- it''s the guests!

 

[cdt1101]

wow erskavates - I feel like i could have written that exact post! I had the exact same issue. But ultimatley it was REALLY important to my fiance that his friends all be up there w/ him. I''m just hoping and praying that the alcoholic friend behaves himself. Although I doubt it. One of the other groomsmen got married last year and the friend in question actually tried to pick a fight w/ the groom!!! I''m so not prepared for something like that to happen on our wedding day, but my fiance has been friends w/ this guy for almost 30 years....so there is a lot of history there and I have to respect that.

I don''t have any real advice, but I think that if your fiance feels strongly about having his friends in the wedding, then I think you should let it be and hope for the best. Otherwise, it you could really hurt your fiances feelings and I just don''t think it''s worth it in the long run.

Good luck!

 

[misysu2]

Date: 10/31/2007 10:49:11 AM
Author: erskavates
I just have concerns about this guy, or anyone in the whole wedding party, doing something embarassing and upsetting either of us. its our party, we shouldn''t have to be policing our friends and family, you know? And I think if he wanted to veto one of my friends, with a good reason of course, I would listen. It''s not the tablecloths, flowers, and food that I worry about-- it''s the guests!

Unfortunately, erskavates, I think this is just part of the unpredictability of life. I think pretty much all of your guests will respect that this is your day, so unless average reception drunken fun insults you, I wouldn''t worry about it.

 

[sap483]

As Musey said, if it's an actual concern that this groomsman might show up drunk, please talk to your FI about it. You have every right to not want someone who shows up drunk to your wedding in the bridal party. However, you should have support to back up your fears, i.e. he showed up wasted at XYZ's wedding because this is someone that has clearly been a good friend of your FI's for many years. I think a history of getting drunk (at other times) may not be enough, because sometimes even those that seem to always behave inappropriately will watch their behavior at a close friend's wedding.

SomeThingsShiny, hahaha. Ok so our friends are also quite incestuous (I won't go into it, but you know the Kevin Bacon game, well we can easily make very short links between just about any of our friends) . My best friend and FI's best friend also have a sordid past. We're intentionally pairing them up together because it amuses us so much to picture them walking down the isle together. We figure when it gets stressful, this will give us a good laugh!

 

[erskavates]

So I should hope for the best, but keep a bouncer at the door! ha ha This person in question also becomes disrespectful to his own fiance and most women when he's drinking, which I wouldn't want to be an issue that day. I guess I can't control everything though. However, I totally disagree with whoever said that I have NO right to dictate who is an usher. If that were the case, then I wouldn't choose either of his sisters and would just have my own sister and 4 girlfriends! But it doesn't work that way. He should have a say with sisters and close female friends. My brother will be an usher, and although I don't have any male friends close enough to merit a spot in the bridal line-up, if I did then you better believe they would be up there too.

 

[Sabine]

I agree that you should talk to your FI but leave it up to him. I had concerns about my FI choosing his brother has his best man. His brother has never been nice to me, basically is a womanizer, and usually thinks of weddings as just places to get drunk and meet girls. FI had a best friend who I have been friends with since the day we met, is in a supportive, committed relationship, and really supports our relationship (whereas FI''s brother tried repeatedly to tell him to get out and date more people). But FI really wanted his brother to be best man, so I didn''t fight it. And so far it is working out wonderfully. His brother has actually started taking an interest in our relationship. Since FI asked him, he''s also changed the way he treats us as a couple. I''m now confident that he is so honored that on teh day of he will really be there for FI, which is what hte groomsmen are supposed to do!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/31/2007 12:05:06 PM
Author: erskavates
So I should hope for the best, but keep a bouncer at the door! ha ha

I'm not sure if I/we're really getting the point across. We are saying "talk to your FI about it," not "just hope for the best." If you do talk to him, and he believes that it won't be a problem OR it's so important to him that it outweighs the probability of a problem... then yeah. You just gotta hope for the best.

I guess I can't control everything though. However, I totally disagree with whoever said that I have NO right to dictate who is an usher.

And I have to, again, respectfully disagree with you on that point. There is quite a big difference between discussing options and deciding together, and DICTATING who will be involved in the wedding.

I don't know what the roles in your relationship are like, but I know that my FI would be terribly hurt (and might question his choice to marry me) if I was DICTATING who had a right to stand with him. It is his side of the ceremony, and the people who are important to HIM should be standing with him. I have every right to ask questions, discuss, and express concerns (and hopefully get him to understand my opinion that that person may not be a great choice)... but I don't believe I have the right to DICTATE his choices.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:48:05 PM
Author: musey

Date: 10/31/2007 12:05:06 PM
Author: erskavates
So I should hope for the best, but keep a bouncer at the door! ha ha

I''m not sure if I/we''re really getting the point across. We are saying ''talk to your FI about it,'' not ''just hope for the best.'' If you do talk to him, and he believes that it won''t be a problem OR it''s so important to him that it outweighs the probability of a problem... then yeah. You just gotta hope for the best.

I guess I can''t control everything though. However, I totally disagree with whoever said that I have NO right to dictate who is an usher.

And I have to, again, respectfully disagree with you on that point. There is quite a big difference between discussing options and deciding together, and DICTATING who will be involved in the wedding. I don''t know what your relationship is like, but my FI would be terribly hurt (and might question his choice to marry me) if I was DICTATING who had a right to stand with him. It is his side, and the people who are important to HIM should be standing with him. I have every right to ask questions, discuss, and express concerns (and hopefully get him to understand my opinion that that person may not be a great choice)... but I don''t believe I have the right to DICTATE his choices.

Amen. Musey covered it all.

 

[erskavates]

So maybe "dictate" was not the exact right word, but what I meant was that I require my siblings to be in this wedding, as I am sure he requires his brother and two sisters also. If I had 4 brothers, they would all be in it. Just as if he had 4 sisters, they would all be included. Whosever side they end up on is irrelevant because it''s our bridal party, not "my girls" and "his guys". In order to eliminate possible trouble from the outset, it might be a good idea to have ONLY siblings so as not to causes issues with friends. This would stink for me because bridesmaids do a lot of helping along the way, but I would still include my girlfriends in the whole process, even if they weren''t going to stand up with me on the big day.

It''s messy, this planning. Some days, eloping makes much more sense.

 

[misysu2]

Man, I guess I''m glad I don''t have any siblings. Choosing a bridal party sounds complicated in that situation!

 

[musey]

My original post was in reference to you wanting to nix his long-time friend over fear of him acting out at the wedding. I said, "you have no right to dictate who is in his party," as in, you have no right to say that this guy CAN'T. It was in no way a reference to your requirement (which I think is fine) that your certain family members be included. Just that you shouldn't require that certain other people not be included.

I think the only reasons that choosing a bridal party has to be complicated are if you believe that (A)sides must be even, and/or (B)each side must be single-gendered.


edited to add the "if you believe that" to clarify

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:14:46 PM
Author: musey
My original post was in reference to you wanting to nix his long-time friend over fear of him acting out at the wedding. I said, ''you have no right to dictate who is in his party,'' as in, you have no right to say that this guy CAN''T. It was in no way a reference to your requirement (which I think is fine) that your certain family members be included. Just that you shouldn''t require that certain other people not be included.

I think the only reasons that choosing a bridal party has to be complicated are (A)sides must be even, and/or (B)each side must be single-gendered.

To hell with the rules. Who says all things have to be even? I tried to have two grooms, but TGuy threatened to throw in three more brides.

 

[piccolascimmia]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:19:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/31/2007 4:14:46 PM

Author: musey

My original post was in reference to you wanting to nix his long-time friend over fear of him acting out at the wedding. I said, ''you have no right to dictate who is in his party,'' as in, you have no right to say that this guy CAN''T. It was in no way a reference to your requirement (which I think is fine) that your certain family members be included. Just that you shouldn''t require that certain other people not be included.


I think the only reasons that choosing a bridal party has to be complicated are (A)sides must be even, and/or (B)each side must be single-gendered.

To hell with the rules. Who says all things have to be even? I tried to have two grooms, but TGuy threatened to throw in three more brides.

TOTALLY AGREE - don''t include someone in your wedding party just for the sake of evening up numbers. Nobody will remember or care that numbers didn''t match up!

 

[musey]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:19:10 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 10/31/2007 4:14:46 PM

Author: musey

My original post was in reference to you wanting to nix his long-time friend over fear of him acting out at the wedding. I said, ''you have no right to dictate who is in his party,'' as in, you have no right to say that this guy CAN''T. It was in no way a reference to your requirement (which I think is fine) that your certain family members be included. Just that you shouldn''t require that certain other people not be included.


I think the only reasons that choosing a bridal party has to be complicated are (A)sides must be even, and/or (B)each side must be single-gendered.

To hell with the rules. Who says all things have to be even? I tried to have two grooms, but TGuy threatened to throw in three more brides.

My point exactly! As of now, we''re planning on one BM and zero groomsmen. That plan changes daily

TGal, with 2 grooms and 4 brides, that would be QUITE a honeymoon!

 

[erskavates]

...and really that would only work if you''re living in Utah! ha ha

Traveling Gal, always bringing the levity, and for that I thank you.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:24:34 PM
Author: musey

My point exactly! As of now, we''re planning on one BM and zero groomsmen. That plan changes daily

TGal, with 2 grooms and 4 brides, that would be QUITE a honeymoon!

We could have used them. Remember, my "honeymoon" was taking his niece and nephew to Disneyland. I could have used the stinkin'' babysitters!!!

 

[aljdewey]

I don''t think even numbered gals/guys is important either.

What I think Musey''s point was (and what I echoed) was that if FI says ''it''s important to me for this friend to be one of my groomsmen'', I think that carries weight.

If you have concerns about his potential bad behavior, then I''d express those concerns to FI....absolutely. But, if he says it''s really important to him (even knowing the potential exists), I''d have to go along with it.

Even if he does act stupidly, it''s not a reflection on you or groom; he''s a big boy and is accountable for his own actions.

 

[Pandora II]

If this guy is a good enough friend that your FI would consider him as a groomsman, then he is likely to be at the wedding whatever.
Perhaps the honour od being a groomsman will constrain his behaviour?

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 10/31/2007 11:29:16 AM
Author: sap483
As Musey said, if it''s an actual concern that this groomsman might show up drunk, please talk to your FI about it. You have every right to not want someone who shows up drunk to your wedding in the bridal party. However, you should have support to back up your fears, i.e. he showed up wasted at XYZ''s wedding because this is someone that has clearly been a good friend of your FI''s for many years. I think a history of getting drunk (at other times) may not be enough, because sometimes even those that seem to always behave inappropriately will watch their behavior at a close friend''s wedding.

SomeThingsShiny, hahaha. Ok so our friends are also quite incestuous (I won''t go into it, but you know the Kevin Bacon game, well we can easily make very short links between just about any of our friends) . My best friend and FI''s best friend also have a sordid past. We''re intentionally pairing them up together because it amuses us so much to picture them walking down the isle together. We figure when it gets stressful, this will give us a good laugh!

OMG...this had me rolling on the floor! I''ve been to so many weddings like this, people have commented that we need to find some new bait, oops, I mean, friends! If any of them are single at any given time, it''s a free-for-all, it seems!

Be sure to take lots of pictures of these two!

 

[gtn]

I would talk to your FI about your concerns, but honestly, if it is important to him that his friend be in your wedding, don''t put up a fight. Then get one of your BM and GM to monitor his drinking so you don''t have to worry about it. Better yet, if you have a wedding planner have her have a talk with all of the GM so that he doesn''t feel singled out.

 

[Julianna]

Date: 10/31/2007 4:25:02 PM
Author: erskavates
...and really that would only work if you're living in Utah! ha ha

making polygamy jokes is fun for the whole family.