Great - now having flash backs

[MichelleCarmen]

This is ridiculous. I posted about my horrible experience living with my in-laws and now, after moving out, (it's been 27 days since I moved out), I'm having flash backs. It's silly, I know, but the horrible things she's said and done keep flashing through my head. Clearly, I'm partly to blame, but she's not appologized to my son or me after just attrocious behavior. Her and my FIL had done horrible things, like told my older son I've "rejected" him since he was a baby and one day decided he needed to "cry it out," and proceeded to have him do that for TWO hours while he blocked the way so I couldn't get to him.

Until my DH left to his out-of-state job, she'd always say I was a great mother, strong woman, etc., but soon as my husband left, she turned on me. Would force me get on my knees and beg her for appologies for not taking over their business so they could retire. Now she blames me for making her work till she dies. I refuse to help them in any way, and now that I'm out of there and we're back to our lives, I cannot even talk to her. The anger is so strongly built up I cannot take it.

We gathered up the rest of our belongings the other day and my older son (almost 10) started crying. The in-laws had left for the day and he refused to go into the house.

All this crap keeps flashing back. One thing I didn't mention before is that my SIL (her daughter) committed suicide about 10 months ago and I think she has mixed up her anger toward the SIL with me and had been taking it out on me. My MIL decided to start taking medication for her upset rather than working through it.

In situations like these, do you gals think that over time my anger will ease up or should I talk to someone? Or maybe just journal everything and burn the pages?

I know I should sympathize for her b/c of what happened with her daughter, but it was impossible with her attacking and manipulating me so much. Telling me I'm nothing to her, etc. It took such a toll that I cannot even balance all the emotions out between her pain and what she also did to me AND of course, my older son.

Thoughts?

Thanks.

 

[dragonfly411]

MC - I think you will eventually find release. I do like the journal idea and burning the pages. It might be a sort of emotional get it out and let go thing for you. I'd also make sure you give full detail to DH so he understands what this has done to you and your children. It sounds like it was much worse than you originally stated, or have even fully stated so far.

 

[ForteKitty]

she forced you to get on your knees? she would have gotten the middle finger from me.

they're both crazy, and i'm glad you got out. i wonder if they were abusive towards their own daughter... maybe that's why she killed herself.

 

[Tuckins1]

Wow, that's quite a traumatic experience! I don't have any advice but to thank goodness you are out of there!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

MC, first off I am SO glad you are out of there! What a toxic situation and it is better for everyone to live apart. I know it took a lot of strength for you to move out so I am proud of you!

Concerning your MIL, something I have learned is people are sick. We all have dysfunctional and distorted thinking. We all develop maladaptive coping devices. The only thing I can change is *me*. I can change my reactions to others' actions. You will never, ever change that woman. Ever. You have to get to the point of accepting her for who she is and the role she plays in your life. Journaling is great but my not yet professional advice would be to go see a therapist. Maybe your son should see one too. I think these are some deep wounds and you need someone who can steer you in the right direction. I do believe you can someday release your resentments if you want. That is the only way you will ever feel free.

Best of luck MC!

 

[mayachel]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Given the circumstances of it all you are likely right on all accounts. While explaining to yourself that the inlaws are not working with a full bag of marbles, is comforting it is still okay to acknowledge your own hurt, anger and angst from the experience that they have caused you. I think journaling is always a good idea, however I think it is also important to make sure you are surrounding yourself with loving and supportive friends who can help build you up. Post trauma stress is possible, and having an experienced therapist help you point out the negativity that isn't yours to carry may also be helpful.

 

[VRBeauty]

MC - I was off PS for awhile while on vacation - I'm so glad to hear that you and your family are out of that toxic environment! Kudos to you for doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your children, and to you and your husband for not caving in to the pressure that I'm sure was put on you to maintain contact. I'm no expert but my advice would be to get help from a therapist if there's any way you can manage it. Your posts seem to indicate that we all should be able to process and work through traumatic events (like a daughter's suicide, or your time with your in-laws) on our own; that you should have processed enough by now, and should not be dealing with flashbacks. I'm sure you see the common thread -- a lot of shoulds, a lot of expectations of what you and those around you should be able to do on your own. At the least, a good therapist will be able to help you see the situation more objectively, and help you reach equilibrium more quickly. I'm also concerned about your kids and what they went through. They were abused themselves, and watched their mother being abused and reduced to powerlessness. Who knows how their minds processed what they were seeing? Personally, I think I'd be seeking family counseling.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I'm also concerned about your kids and what they went through. They were abused themselves, and watched their mother being abused and reduced to powerlessness. Who knows how their minds processed what they were seeing? Personally, I think I'd be seeking family counseling.

Yeah, my older son is mad at them. In addition to crying, he says he doesn't want to go over there again. His attitude is compounded because I cringe every time his grandmother/the in-laws are brought up. He's vastly improved now that we've moved back near to where we use to live and after a few weeks were able to get him back into his original school (schools are packed, so took a few weeks for space to open up at the one he's been in since Kindergarten) and have his friends. He's a great kid, but shy and more internal about situations. My other son went wild this summer, talking with weird voices, etc., and all that abruptly stopped as soon as we moved out.

Oh, and we adopted a new kitten. He is a great kitty. . .my son wanted another black one like the one that the rotweiler killed and so we found the perfect one on CL. When we went over to the in-laws to get our stuff, he became upset saying he didn't want Licorice (our new cat) to die. He seems to associate that place with the pet we lost.

 

[ForteKitty]

MC, that is so sad... your in laws are horrible people. No amount of therapy will make your kids feel better about losing a pet in such a tragic manner, but if you start now, that fear/pain might not turn into rage.

That happened to me when the neighbor's dog killed my grandma's cat. I wanted to kill the people who trained their pits to dog-fight and released them out at night to stroll around the neighborhood and "fight". One night they broke a hole thru the wooden gate and mauled our cats to death, and also a few other cats at a nearby senior home. I imagined all the different ways these bastards would die, and prayed their own dogs will kill them. I was only 11. You dont want your sons to get that way.

Those people dont deserve to have any access to your kids, and I dont blame your kids for never wanting to see them again.

Does your husband understand the magnitude of damage his parents inflicted this summer?

 

[packrat]

Ohhh MC, how horrible for you and your kids! What did your husband say about it all? I missed any other threads/info earlier-I had no idea it was like that for you guys. Awful awful awful. I agree w/the others about talking to someone, the kids too. Whole family wouldn't hurt either. I'm so glad you are all out of that situation, MC. Very glad.

 

[zoebartlett]

I would imagine that therapy could help a lot in this situation. I'm sorry for all that you've gone through, MC.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

MC, that is so sad... your in laws are horrible people. No amount of therapy will make your kids feel better about losing a pet in such a tragic manner, but if you start now, that fear/pain might not turn into rage.

That happened to me when the neighbor's dog killed my grandma's cat. I wanted to kill the people who trained their pits to dog-fight and released them out at night to stroll around the neighborhood and "fight". One night they broke a hole thru the wooden gate and mauled our cats to death, and also a few other cats at a nearby senior home. I imagined all the different ways these bastards would die, and prayed their own dogs will kill them. I was only 11. You dont want your sons to get that way.

Those people dont deserve to have any access to your kids, and I dont blame your kids for never wanting to see them again.

Does your husband understand the magnitude of damage his parents inflicted this summer?

Sorry about your grandma's and your kitties. It's such a devastating way to find a pet and think about the fear and pain they went through. The dog (and the other one they have) were so intuitive about the matter. For a few weeks after, they'd cower when I came by them!

My husband does understand about the damage his parents inflicted but nothing has been resolved. He avoids any conversation about it with either MIL or me and I flat out refuse to speak to her till she at least says sorry and I told him that, however I do not think he's told her that.

We have some significant family gatherings soon approaching which is going to make this 10X worse.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Ohhh MC, how horrible for you and your kids! What did your husband say about it all? I missed any other threads/info earlier-I had no idea it was like that for you guys. Awful awful awful. I agree w/the others about talking to someone, the kids too. Whole family wouldn't hurt either. I'm so glad you are all out of that situation, MC. Very glad.

Yeah, it was bad, but the deal is when I moved out of the situation, I thought I would realize how much I was overreacting to the whole thing, but that's not occurred. Being around normal people has futher emphasized how nuts the summer was.

 

[Cehrabehra]

MC, first off I am SO glad you are out of there! What a toxic situation and it is better for everyone to live apart. I know it took a lot of strength for you to move out so I am proud of you!

Concerning your MIL, something I have learned is people are sick. We all have dysfunctional and distorted thinking. We all develop maladaptive coping devices. The only thing I can change is *me*. I can change my reactions to others' actions. You will never, ever change that woman. Ever. You have to get to the point of accepting her for who she is and the role she plays in your life. Journaling is great but my not yet professional advice would be to go see a therapist. Maybe your son should see one too. I think these are some deep wounds and you need someone who can steer you in the right direction. I do believe you can someday release your resentments if you want. That is the only way you will ever feel free.

Best of luck MC!

This is excellent advice (of course ) but for me anyway, part of changing "me" or controlling myself would be to keep her OUT of my life and the lives of my children. That woman is beyond tolerable. She is abusive. No, you won't change her - but you can keep yourself out of her proximity. Does your husband know the things she made you do or the things like preventing you from going to your OWN child?

Oh, and IF she confronted why oh why are we not in her life - I'd tell her exactly how it is. I guess I'm really cold about stuff like this though because I have NO problem cutting ties with family members who make my life miserable.

 

[dragonfly411]

Ohhh MC, how horrible for you and your kids! What did your husband say about it all? I missed any other threads/info earlier-I had no idea it was like that for you guys. Awful awful awful. I agree w/the others about talking to someone, the kids too. Whole family wouldn't hurt either. I'm so glad you are all out of that situation, MC. Very glad.

Yeah, it was bad, but the deal is when I moved out of the situation, I thought I would realize how much I was overreacting to the whole thing, but that's not occurred. Being around normal people has futher emphasized how nuts the summer was.

If the situations mentioned above were what was going on then no, you were not overreacting. It is not normal behavior. It is abusive. I am appalled that your DH has not taken a stand. Have you told him the full extent of things? I do think you should seek family therapy/counseling. It sounds like your children were affected in an extreme way, you were affected in an extreme way and your husband is in denial about their abusive behavior towards you all.

 

[Pandora II]

Wow I am in awe at how calm you have been through all that. If someone tried to stop me getting to my own child there would be a funeral in the offing!

I second getting some counselling - looks like you are going to have these obnoxious people in your life for much of the future and learning how to protect your mind and your children's minds from them and come to terms with what has happened would be helpful and healthy for you.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and deal with this situation!

 

[packrat]

The family gatherings coming up..I'm assuming she's going to be there? Does your husband expect you and the kids to go? I hope he doesn't. If he does, how do you feel about that? I can't imagine being around her again after the shit she pulled, and having the kids around her either. Having to make nicey nice in front of everyone would make my skin crawl and stomach roll. I am going to sound mean, and I don't *mean* for it to sound that way, but if he expects you and the kids to go and push aside the stuff she did..I feel like that is expecting you, and the kids, to tuck tail between your legs and be submissive to her and her..tyranny. I hope your husband realizes the extent of what happened and that it can NOT continue to happen for his sake, your sake, the kids's sakes, and the marriage as well. You and the kids are his primary family and should be his primary concern, not his mom, and I hope he will take a stand for you.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

The family gatherings coming up..

Not sure about the holidays yet. I predict more BS already as I've learned her behavior so well. She had given us the family dining table and we had it for years. Well, we don't want it and left it at her house. Now she is offering us $300 toward a new table so she can keep the other one for an up-and-coming family event. The deal is, she offered the money to us without us asking for anything, because we can afford to buy our own table, but if we take the $, she'll run around and tell everyone we made her give us the $300 so she could have her table back. That's how she works. I refuse to take the money and am looking for a cute table on CL.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Wow I am in awe at how calm you have been through all that. If someone tried to stop me getting to my own child there would be a funeral in the offing!

I'll never forgive my FIL from blocking my way. NEVER! Plus telling me it's "natural selection" that the dog killed my cat is beyond bs.

 

[ForteKitty]

Wow I am in awe at how calm you have been through all that. If someone tried to stop me getting to my own child there would be a funeral in the offing!

I'll never forgive my FIL from blocking my way. NEVER! Plus telling me it's "natural selection" that the dog killed my cat is beyond bs.

You can tell them it's perfectly natural for them (your inlaws) to die alone when they get older. That's how it is in the wild.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Wow I am in awe at how calm you have been through all that. If someone tried to stop me getting to my own child there would be a funeral in the offing!

I'll never forgive my FIL from blocking my way. NEVER! Plus telling me it's "natural selection" that the dog killed my cat is beyond bs.

You can tell them it's perfectly natural for them (your inlaws) to die alone when they get older. That's how it is in the wild.

That reminds me. It was pretty much agreed that as they grew older, I would help take care of them. What are they thinking I'm going to do now?

 

[VRBeauty]

My husband does understand about the damage his parents inflicted but nothing has been resolved. He avoids any conversation about it with either MIL or me and I flat out refuse to speak to her till she at least says sorry and I told him that, however I do not think he's told her that.

We have some significant family gatherings soon approaching which is going to make this 10X worse.

You mean that you and your hubby have not yet had a conversation about him leaving you and your kids in that situation, knowing how his mother feels about you, without forewarning you? About him telling you to tough it out until he returned? You mean that he hasn't been willing to let you -- his wife -- talk about these experiences that affected you and your -- his -- children so deeply?

To paraphrase packrat and Pandora... you and your husband could both stand to "grow a pair."

 

[partgypsy]

MC I am not a clinician but I have worked in studies with people with PTSD. Sometimes when people go through traumatic events they do experience flashbacks that after months to a year do go away. And sometimes it becomes a long term thing. At any rate, therapy never hurts, especially as it can be a way to express what has gone on with you in a safe place and also gain some perspective on normal/abnormal behavior.
The most important thing is for you and your kids to regain a feeling of normalcy and safety and trust. Moving was the most important step. The second biggest step is for you and your husband to be on the same page about what happened, and for your husband to be supportive of you and your children not being around that unhealthy situation. He wasn't there so he may not fully grasp it, plus it's his family so he probably has normalized their behavior. In that regard it may be helpful to have family therapy where you and your sons get to discuss what happened and how you felt in response to those things, so he can fully understand and be supportive as a husband/wife unit. I just don't think your husband is taking this this seriously, or he still seems to be deferring to the mom.

 

[lliang_chi]

MC, very happy you're far away from that nut house. You're a strong person to get you and your family out of there. And I think from your strength you'll be able to move past this. I think some therapy for your whole family would help. At the very least you'll be able to process your emotions in a healthy way.

Good luck.

 

[phoenixgirl]

MC, ugh, I'm glad you've been able to leave that situation.

I ditto counseling for you and your family. The boys have been through a lot with their kitten dying, aunt committing suicide, grandparents behaving irrationally . . . I think it would be helpful for them to be heard and validated, as well as for you.

I have a MIL with emotional problems, and it is very difficult when you feel like you can't call a spade a spade with your spouse regarding his parents. Hopefully this is something you and your DH can discuss in family counseling. It may be helpful for him to hear a therapist say that their behavior is not OK.