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Grandmother wants me to give back my pearl necklace

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sugary

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My grandmother( father''s motherwho is 86) told me that she wants the pearl necklace she gave me for my college graduation back! I asked her why and she said she wants to give it to the other grandaughter who would appreciate it more! I can''t believe she said that. I take such great care of this pearl necklace and am getting them restrung as we speak. I thought because she didn''t see me wearing them today that I don''t appreciate her gift, but I explained to her that I am getting the necklace restrung! I wear these pearls a great deal and she has often seen me wear them.

I think this all has to do with my wedding. I will not ask my cousin (who I am not close to at all) to be in my wedding party and I think she is upset at this. Wait until she finds out that I am not inviting her parents either (her dad and my dad are brothers) and my parents are in agreement with me, especially after the Christmas day fiiasco.Plus I don''t think she is happy that I am not marrying someone who is not the same nationality as me. Now I know why my parents eloped. Should I just give the necklace back and say nothing?

Funny thing is that I call my grandmother once a week and will take her out for lunch or dinner 2 times a month if I can. The other grandaughter never calls her,( I know this because she has complained to me about that), and has never treated her to lunch or dinner.
 
Thats really sad. What a difficult situation for you. I would give them back if she really wants them. I can''t see how you can refuse without making things worse.

I feel very sorry for you.
 
I wouldn't give them back. They were a gift to you, so they're yours. I would tell your grandmother that you love the pearls and I would also call her out on her reasons for wanting them back. I would say all this calmly and lovingly, of course. It sounds like you treat your grandmother very well and she's just being petty.

Another option could be having your mom (ETA or dad since it's his mother) talk to her if you think your grandmother would react better to that.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!
 
I''m sorry - no disrespect to your family - but what is WRONG with people? Why does everyone think they should have a say in what you do or don''t do?

And how sad that she can''t even appreciate that you call her and spend time with her - do you know how many granmothers wish they would have grandaughters like that? I don''t know anything else about you, but I think that''s very nice of you.

Personally - I wouldn''t want the pearls, regardless of the reasons she said she wants them back or the real reasons she wants them back. I would give them back and not worry about it.

I do feel bad for you because it seems like you love the pearls and that it hurts that she wants them back - but if they come with strings, they aren''t worth it.
 
When my Nanna got old she became very badly behaved. Nothing wrong with her at all. Just because she could. It drove us nuts but we just let her do it because if we called her out on her behaviour she would get really upset.
 
Not so fast! As in... wait to see if she really means this.

One of my older relatives recently said things to me that sounded to me like she did not want to be a part of my life any more. I was very upset, but ultimately decided that I should release her with love if that''s what she needed for her peace of mind. Several days later she asked why I was mad at her, and I told her why, and she basically said "oh no, I would never say that." I think that sometimes as people get older they get more sure that they are right in their opinions and more likely to speak their minds, totally without filters or without thinking it all through. (This particular person was pretty opinionated to begin with.) Things can change once they do think it through.

I''m not sure if this is like your situation at all, but I can hope! You sound like a great granddaughter -- I hope your grandmother comes around.
 
I find that the older people get, the fiestier and more out spoken they get as well. (part of the reason I find older ones oh so amusing).

I would wait it out and see if she really and truly wants you to give them back. You''ve made it very clear that you cherish the pearls and appreciate their heritage. I would just sit on it and see if she brings it up again. If she really, truly makes a stink about it, I would give them back. It''s just not worth it.
 
Date: 1/4/2009 7:22:24 PM
Author: Maisie
When my Nanna got old she became very badly behaved. Nothing wrong with her at all. Just because she could. It drove us nuts but we just let her do it because if we called her out on her behaviour she would get really upset.
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Mine, too, Maisie. It''s very difficult at times, but then I remind myself that she''s in physical pain and I might be a bit of a meanie myself, some day.

Sugary--This is a crazy situation, and I honestly don''t know what the "right" thing to do would be. It depends entirely on your relationship with your grandmother--I know you spend a lot of time together, but are you close? I''m close with my grandmother, so I wouldn''t hesitate to say "It really hurt me when you asked for the pearls back. If you''re doing that to tell me something, out with it!" But that''s us.

Good luck. I''m sure this is the last thing you need while trying to plan a wedding.
 
I would not give them back. A gift is a gift and she has no right to tell you what to do with them since they are not hers any more. You sound like the better keeper of the pearls and have treated them like a valued heirloom. If it causes a family riff, too bad. It sounds like there are already some family issues and this probably isn't the first or last time someone is behaving badly.

KEEP THE PEARLS!!

I am a strong believer that family heirlooms need to be protected for future generations.
 
I feel bad for you. I''m sorry that you''re having to go through this.

I think I''d give it time and see if she brings it up again or gets over it. I agree with the others that sometimes older people don''t have a filter and become more bold.
 
That must have hurt, I am sorry.

I am probably not the best person to advise you. I am not a social conformer. If somebody is rude to me I do not care who they are or think they are, it is unacceptable. So I would have called her out there and then. At this stage I would ignore her request, if she really has such a bee in her bonnet she can ask again.

Wow, I mean these were a GIFT. And you seem to really have cared for her. I like the other posters cannot fathom how family members (and nosey friends) feel the RIGHT to have their say with passive aggression to back it up.

Again, I am sorry.
 
I agree with those who say to wait and see. I actually think it's very fortunate that they're being restrung right now because it will buy you some time -- imagine if you'd had them on when she demanded them back!
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I think that the pearls could easily "still be at the jewelers'" for a couple more weeks (after all, it is the busy season...) and maybe your grandma will forget or change her mind by then. If not, I really don't know what to suggest. Yikes.

Still, it was very hurtful for her to say something like that to you. I'd be really sad if I was in your situation, especially since you haven't done anything wrong.
 
I''m really sorry. When my great grandmother was around that age, she started acting really strangely as well. She would say things that hurt my feelings all the time. Maybe it is just her aging and not really meaning what she says. I would just see if she asks you for them again, and then say something like "but Grandmother, I love the pearls and wear them all the time".
 
Date: 1/4/2009 7:47:10 PM
Author: steph72276
I would just see if she asks you for them again, and then say something like ''but Grandmother, I love the pearls and wear them all the time''.
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Ditto--and wow--I''m so sorry you have to deal with this!
 
Oh this reminds me of my Nanny. Yes I loved and adored her, but she''d pull the same crap. I always said no, you gave this to me and that''s that.
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Date: 1/4/2009 8:56:37 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 1/4/2009 7:18:37 PM
Author: thing2of2
I wouldn''t give them back. They were a gift to you, so they''re yours. I would tell your grandmother that you love the pearls and I would also call her out on her reasons for wanting them back. I would say all this calmly and lovingly, of course. It sounds like you treat your grandmother very well and she''s just being petty.

Another option could be having your mom (ETA or dad since it''s his mother) talk to her if you think your grandmother would react better to that.

I''m sorry you''re dealing with this!
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I''m sorry and I have to agree with Thing.. these were a gift..

I would explain to your Grandmother how much they mean to you.. I wouldn''t consider giving back such a precious gift.
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I am also in agreement. A gift is a gift, no matter WHO gave it to you. I would NOT give them back.
 
The more I read other people''s responses the more I am coming to think that you should not give them back.

I guess to me giving them back was a way of saying "here are your damn pearls back." But NOT giving them back kind of says the same thing - plus you get to keep the pearls.
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. (know that I''m not belittling how sad and hurtful this is but that is how I thought about it)

But I think Haven made a good point that how close you are to your grandmother and how you feel about her play a role here.

I would just feel so funny knowing she didn''t want me to have them - but I had also overlooked/didn''t know that when people get older sometimes they get mean and/or may say things they don''t mean (I didn''t experience my grandmother being this way).

It seems that at the end of the day, the strongest statement you could make is to not give them back...
 
I''m so sorry to hear about all of this...and I''m sorry that this has hurt you.
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I would give them back if those are her wishes. Hopefully she will come around and realize it is wrong of her to ask for them back, but I wouldn''t feel right wearing them anymore.
 
I wouldn''t give the pearls back either! When she said that, did she maybe have you confused w/the other granddaughter? My gramma does that to me every now and again-she''ll get on me about something my cousin did and she''s firmly convinced it was me, and it takes a bit before she realizes it was the "bad granddaughter".
 
A gift is a gift..when she was saner she wanted you to have them. She COULD have given them to the other gdaughter before she gave them to you. Let her give the other Gdaughter something else.
 
I think that would be amazingly hurtful. ((HUGS)). I''d probably give them back because honestly... the joy in them would be gone for me. I wouldn''t be able to forget the comment, everytime I looked at them.
 
Date: 1/4/2009 10:51:17 PM
Author: Gypsy
I think that would be amazingly hurtful. ((HUGS)). I''d probably give them back because honestly... the joy in them would be gone for me. I wouldn''t be able to forget the comment, everytime I looked at them.
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This is exactly how I feel too. I would never be able to enjoy them, and truthfully, even though they are special, they are just a material thing. They will probably always remind you of this now. I am sorry
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My feelings would be really hurt too. My grandmother got a bit mean as she got older too. I don''t think that she meant much of what she said.

Honestly, I can''t see how your cousin could enjoy them now either.
 
I''m so sorry that you''re having to go through this.

My aunt gave me an aqua ring of hers when I was in secondary school. I loved it and wore it often on weekends. One day, out of the blue, she asked for it back to give to my cousin! Was I upset? You bet, but I gave it back and she did give it "permanently" to my cousin who still wears it.

Later in life, I bought a much nicer aqua ring for myself; I showed it to her and her reply was that it could not possibly be real. The gall!! There''s more to the story than that, but I won''t bore you with those details.

My advice: After the pearls have been re-strung, if she asks for them back, give them to her as they''ll never have the same affection attached to them. When you see another string that *speaks to you*, buy them yourself.
 
Date: 1/4/2009 10:48:11 PM
Author: AprilBaby
A gift is a gift..when she was saner she wanted you to have them. She COULD have given them to the other gdaughter before she gave them to you. Let her give the other Gdaughter something else.
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Ditto. Her current state of mind does not diminish the love and pride she felt for you when she gave the pearls to you. I'd keep them and try to let go of her comments unless she continues to make an issue of it. In other words, let this one pass...
 
A gift is not "a gift" in this case. Assuming she''s in her right mind, return the pearls.

Buy yourself some nice pearls that you can wear without pain.

Be prepared for her to try to give them back when the other granddaughter irritates her. Then you can smile sweetly, point to your own and say "thanks, but no thanks"
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No offense to the elderly, but that has to be one of the rudest things I have ever heard. Indian giving and telling you that is SO not nice, no matter who she is. I would NOT give in to that emotional blackmail if I were you. I find that to be very distasteful and petty.
 
I am sorry that happened but I would give them back because like others have mentioned they would be tainted now and I would always think of those hurtful words when I wore the necklace.
 
I might, if I were being snarky, say, HERE. Since these obviously came with strings attached, and are not just a gift, take them. I love you and I have loved these pearls too, but if you want to be petty and punitive I do not want to have them. I will buy my own pearls someday.

What a petty and small thing to do. The pearls were a gift. Period. If she is upset about YOUR guest list, she is free to have a chat with you about it, but it is your wedding and she needs to get a clue that taking the pearls is NOT going to accomplish anything and only serve to upset you.
 
I would probably give the pearls back, because as others have said, they would become "tainted" to me after such a hurtful event. However, I definitely wouldn't be beyond presenting the repair bill too, and asking for reimbursement on that from her or the other granddaughter before they take receipt of the pearls.
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My grandmother lived to 97, and for as long as I can remember she was doing very mean things, so I feel for you. After the last incident I had with her, I stopped communicating with her completely. Worked for me, and I don't regret it. She was toxic.
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she gave them to you....once the gift was out of her hands, she has no say about them. do as you will with them.

movie zombie
 
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