Gottman Institute and Premarital Counseling

[mayachel]

Hello!
Inspired by Swimmer''s articles over in Hangout, and the fact that 3 days into my engagement I''m feeling like I''ve got ooodles of time to plan a wedding...

Has anyone attended secular premarital counseling?

My guy and I have already been living together for a few years, even survived the stress of buying a home and remodeling it. Though I feel our relationship is strong (especially with the new engagement wave of happiness) but I like the idea of premarital counseling. Finding out better ways to argue, where are strengths and weaknesses are etc... Neither of us are involved with a religious group, and share different affiliations. It''s something we talk about freely and regularly now, but I definitely think that down the line the hot topics like religion and money will be big for us.

The Gottman Institute offers a huge expensive package (though not expensive compared to actual in person counseling) with workbooks and dvds. Has anyone tried these? I''m tempted mainly for the privacy of it all.

 

[honey22]

We did couples counselling last year or the year before, can''t remember now. It was the best thing we ever did!! We went to a popular Psychologists Institute, who also teach students. We had an intern (3 years into their final year as a psychologist) and we only paid $20 per session, which is a lot less than the standard fee of nearly $200 here. They need to see clients as part of their final semester training. It''s worth noting though, that to be a counsellor here you need varying degrees of education, and these people are already qualified to be counsellors, they have stepped up a level into psychology, so it''s not like you have a newbie student with a textbook. They consult with their supervisors after every session to make sure everything is going correctly.

Without this service, we couldn''t have afforded counselling. We were her last clients before she finished her schooling, if we wanted to see her the next week after graduation, we would have paid full price

Totally worth it - I say go for it. You will learn a lot about each other and your relationship, and I also learnt a lot about myself as an individual. With the divorce rates so high these days, I think it should be 100% compulsory before you are allowed to get married. Too many people get carried away with the romance of planning a wedding, and don''t consider how things would be after the excitment dies down.

Good luck!!

 

[mayachel]

Thank you honey! That''s just the sort of feedback that helps solidify in my mind that it''s better to do it while we are in love and happy, then waiting for a problem.

As a student in the health field, I know first hand that students are a) a good deal b) well supervised if need be. AND I hadn''t even thought of it! I''m in NYC, so ya I imagine $200 to be about the going rate here too. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[ams0124]

Hi Mayachel

I just wanted to chime in real quick...

Although I''m not engaged (yet

) FF and I talk about premarital counselling all the time!! We are in complete agreement that in the long run it will be the best thing we can do for our marriage.

A couple friend of ours went to counselling where they worked up a "Marriage Contract" which pretty much outlines everything you could possibly think of from how to approach disagreement right down to who is responsible for doing say laundry, cooking, or taking out the trash.... I love the idea because it takes into account the other persons strengths and weaknesses. Our friends actually refer to it quite frequently...they like to review it to make sure they''re both on the same track with how the want their marriage to be...

I think it is such a GREAT idea for couples to consider counselling. Like Honey said with divorce rates so high I want to give our marriage every chance possible to succeed.

 

[honey22]

Date: 12/17/2008 4:25:15 PM
Author: mayachel
Thank you honey! That''s just the sort of feedback that helps solidify in my mind that it''s better to do it while we are in love and happy, then waiting for a problem.


As a student in the health field, I know first hand that students are a) a good deal b) well supervised if need be. AND I hadn''t even thought of it! I''m in NYC, so ya I imagine $200 to be about the going rate here too. Thanks for the suggestion.

That''s such a great, responsible attitute. We didn''t have major problems, and we never considered leaving each other, but there were minor issues in our relationship that never seemed to get resolved. We have learnt to communicate A LOT better nowdays, we rarely ever fight anymore, and if we do have a fight, it''s quickly resolved, not just shoved under the carpet.

Good luck with your counselling, and best wishes for a long and happy marriage!!

 

[swimmer]

Our Rabbi made us go to counseling, ten sessions, with a few assigned topics (our therapist happened to also be Jewish, but that didn''t really matter). Because we couldn''t meet with our Rabbi, we had to find a therapist to have sessions with; insurance covered all but copay, and she was great. Rabbi said that this was to talk out the big issues and have a good foundation for when things come up in the future. There is another really great NYTimes article on this: Questions Couples Should Ask link Which is a great place for starting a discussion about your future as a "we." Some topics seemed obvious to us when we started the discussion, but over time your focus changes and new list items become more or less important.

Have fun with the journey!

 

[mayachel]

[/quote]

Date: 12/17/2008 4:55:39 PM
Author: ams0124

A couple friend of ours went to counselling where they worked up a ''Marriage Contract'' which pretty much outlines everything you could possibly think of from how to approach disagreement right down to who is responsible for doing say laundry, cooking, or taking out the trash.... I love the idea because it takes into account the other persons strengths and weaknesses. Our friends actually refer to it quite frequently...they like to review it to make sure they''re both on the same track with how the want their marriage to be...

I think it is such a GREAT idea for couples to consider counselling. Like Honey said with divorce rates so high I want to give our marriage every chance possible to succeed.

Wow, I''ve never heard of a ''marriage contract'' in the way your friends are using theirs, but I think it''s a wonderful idea. Especially when they can use it as a guidebook to look back at and make sure they are on-track, or adjust and update as needs change.

 

[mayachel]

Date: 12/17/2008 9:02:52 PM
Author: swimmer
Our Rabbi made us go to counseling, ten sessions, with a few assigned topics (our therapist happened to also be Jewish, but that didn''t really matter). Because we couldn''t meet with our Rabbi, we had to find a therapist to have sessions with; insurance covered all but copay, and she was great. Rabbi said that this was to talk out the big issues and have a good foundation for when things come up in the future. There is another really great NYTimes article on this: Questions Couples Should Ask link Which is a great place for starting a discussion about your future as a ''we.'' Some topics seemed obvious to us when we started the discussion, but over time your focus changes and new list items become more or less important.


Have fun with the journey!

Thanks Swimmer! The Times article poses a great starting off point for conversations.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 12/18/2008 9:05:21 AM
Author: mayachel

Date: 12/17/2008 9:02:52 PM
Author: swimmer
Our Rabbi made us go to counseling, ten sessions, with a few assigned topics (our therapist happened to also be Jewish, but that didn''t really matter). Because we couldn''t meet with our Rabbi, we had to find a therapist to have sessions with; insurance covered all but copay, and she was great. Rabbi said that this was to talk out the big issues and have a good foundation for when things come up in the future. There is another really great NYTimes article on this: Questions Couples Should Ask link Which is a great place for starting a discussion about your future as a ''we.'' Some topics seemed obvious to us when we started the discussion, but over time your focus changes and new list items become more or less important.


Have fun with the journey!

Thanks Swimmer! The Times article poses a great starting off point for conversations.

Sorry to be a bit late to the game here, but I just wanted to chime in and suggest another resource I''ve found helpful. My SO and I aren''t engaged yet, but we have used a book called "The 10 Conversations You Must Have Before Getting Married" (link). I''ve found it really helpful.

 

[jen2M]

Hi and congrats!

I was a psych major and took several courses in romantic love and relationships. We worked a lot with Gottman books and work sheets and I found them to be amazing! My prof- who was well known and published in this field, said that Gottman was the leading resercher in the area of romantic love. I have actually bought a couple of the books for very close friends who have gotten engaged. You could go to a book store and look through one of his books and see what you think before you buy the whole program.

Hope this helps!