Getting through the Holidays

[OUpearlgirl]

As some of you know, I recently was dumped

from a serious relationship. I have been doing OK. Not great, but that''s to be expected.

Yesterday while putting up my Christmas tree I got really sad. I realized this is the first time in several years I won''t have a special someone to spend the holidays with. Last year, in particular, was so wonderful. We were falling in love and SO happy. I am just having a really hard time. I have always adored Christmas time, and this year it''s just making me even more sad.

I know that the majority of you are either married, engaged, or soon to be engaged, but I imagine that at some time in your life you experienced loneliness during this season. How did you get through it? I''m volunteering at a church and trying to keep my spirits up, but it''s harder than I thought it would be. Any advice or ways to cope would be appreciated. You all have been so lovely to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening your arms to me during such a sad time.

 

[Rhea]

Do you have family that you''re planning to visit? I''m pretty close to my mother and always enjoy talking with her. The two of us come up with some crazy ideas. I am married, but DH is nowhere near as fun to be with at Chistmas as my mother is. We bake, tease each other, if my sister involved sometimes we play tricks on my father, we shop, and plot how to fix up our houses, or roll eyes about what our extended family have done this time. It''s all good humored. I don''t have any close friends so my mother has kind of taken up that roll in my life.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I have close friends. Unfortunately, with finals I won''t be able to go home until the 19th. I''m not worried about the actual holiday. I know I will spend that all with family. I''m more upset about the days leading up until I can go home. I have great girlfriends, but I still have a huge void in my life.

 

[fieryred33143]

I've been there and what I do is remember that I don't need a man to validate my existance and certainly not to validate my happiness. If you allow the sadness to overcome you over the holidays then you just allowed someone that left you to ruin your special moments. Remember the holidays is about love all around so surround yourself with family and friends. Watch Christmas cartoons, sing carrols loudly, bake as gifts for your family, go out and do stuff. It's really hard to get over a great love so just consider the holidays a mini vacation from the sadness and enjoy being who you are and where you are.

And if that doesn't work, grab some eggnog, let it sit for a little while, then find a way to hide it in his stuff

 

[Miscka]

Date: 12/3/2008 6:35:59 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I''ve been there and what I do is remember that I don''t need a man to validate my existance and certainly not to validate my happiness. If you allow the sadness to overcome you over the holidays then you just allowed someone that left you to ruin your special moments. you

VERY wise words!!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 12/3/2008 6:35:59 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I've been there and what I do is remember that I don't need a man to validate my existance and certainly not to validate my happiness. If you allow the sadness to overcome you over the holidays then you just allowed someone that left you to ruin your special moments. Remember the holidays is about love all around so surround yourself with family and friends. Watch Christmas cartoons, sing carrols loudly, bake as gifts for your family, go out and do stuff. It's really hard to get over a great love so just consider the holidays a mini vacation from the sadness and enjoy being who you are and where you are.

And if that doesn't work, grab some eggnog, let it sit for a little while, then find a way to hide it in his stuff

Ditto, excellent advice. Enjoy time with family and friends. Sending you a hug! Or bake cookies or do a cookie exchange with friends, etc!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It''s like Fiery said, you cannot let yourself "only" be happy if you have a man in your life.

I look back now that I''m happily married and realize that I learned the most about myself during my single times. Being alone isn''t a punishment, or a jail sentence, it means you get to focus in on yourself and learn what you want out of your life...and thats a good thing. Sure, sometimes are harder than others--holidays, birthdays, weekends...but its during those hard, lonely times when you grow the most.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Yeah, I''ve been dealing pretty well. I have enjoyed more free time and meeting new people.

Something about the holidays just made me feel like I was back to day 1.

 

[Tuckins1]

OU, don't feel like you're all alone! I think it's a great thing that you are doing work with a church group, and don't forget all of your friends and family. You also have your PS family! We'll all be here to keep you company...(I don't know about everyone else, but i'm on here pretty much every day, regardless.)Keep yourself busy and take this time to appreciate your family and friends.

I also feel that retail therapy does wonders... Even if it's just from the dollar store or something!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Two years ago I left my then ex-boyfriend, now husband, right before the holidays. I knew it was for the best, I knew I would be fine, I enjoyed living on my own and I certainly wasn''t wallowing around in any self-pity, but I''d be lying if I said I wasn''t worried about feeling a little bit lonely around Christmas.

I think that what you are doing is exactly what you should be doing...stay busy, volunteer, make plans with friends and family, remind yourself of how full your life is and what a gift it is that you have people in your life who really love you.

You''ve done such a great job of staying strong and healthy, I know you will get through the holiday season and enter the new year even stronger! If you shed a tear here or there, that''s fine (I cried a teeny bit on Christmas night when I got back to my apartment), just don''t stay in that frame of mind, that''s all. You''ll probably look back and remember what a great Christmas this was--when you were reminded of how much your friends and family loved you and relished in you reclaimed independence!

 

[KimberlyH]

OU, I went through a major personal crisis during the holidays that was preceeded by a difficult breakup, not a good combo for feelin'' the holiday joy. I got through by surrounding myself with family and friends, doing the things I enjoy (which included spending time alone reading, going for walks, etc.), and not beating myself up when I needed to feel sad.

It sounds like you''re doing exactly what you should be. Keep it up and remember that life is an adventure to be enjoyed and you never know what''s around the next bend (even when bad stuff happens).

 

[Kaleigh]

OU,
I think you are doing really well. You seem very strong. I don''t have any personal experiences to share with you. But did want to say, keep volunteering, being with friends and family. I feel that the new year ahead will be a good one for you. One door closes, another opens.. Best of luck, and wish you all the best during this holiday season. HUGS. Lisa

 

[Elmorton]

Honestly, it sounds like you''re doing really good - awesome that you''re volunteering at church. I will say though, OU, since you''re a student, some of that sadness might be increased by the end-of-the-semester blues thing. I don''t know if you''re like me, but there was always something about the end of the semester - the frantic rush of trying to get loose ends tied up (both in terms of work and course concept stuff - so it''s mentally and physically taxing), the impending realization of having to leave "home and family" for your real home and family... I guess what I''m saying is that of course this season is hard because of the recent loss of your relationship, but as a student, the weeks leading up to the holidays are just hard in general. My cheesy suggestion is to form some study groups and spend your evenings with them for a few weeks - even if you''re already doing well in your classes, it''s always fun to see how much you can rock your finals

The other suggestion I have is pour your love out on your girlfriends! Spend time finding the perfect holiday gift for a BFF, make a date for a cruddy Xmas movie with a friend, etc. Let friends fill the void. If you''re looking for someone to spend time with, chances are you have a friend who wants the same.

Wait... just thought of one more. The year that my grandpa died right before Christmas, my mom was absolutely devastated. One of the most difficult things was going through the "routine" of the holiday - having everything the same (but without) was very painful. That year, she incorporated all sorts of random new things into what we usually did. The weirdest was that before opening presents, we popped in "Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean" - and strangely, that''s a tradition we''re still doing more than 10 years later. I didn''t think there would be much laughing that Xmas, and that stupid movie made us laugh so hard that we had tears rolling down our faces. Doing the unexpected and breaking up the routine can help a lot.

 

[kittybean]

Hey, OUpeargirl! It sounds like you are doing pretty well. It''s awesome that you are volunteering and focusing your energy on giving to others.

In college, I had a long-term boyfriend break up with me around Thanksgiving, so I was pretty despondent around finals and during the Christmas season. What helped me at the time was focusing on my dorm-mates and sorority sisters and getting into the season with them. The people in my dorm and I decorated our courtyard with TONS of lights and all wore Santa hats and sang Christmas songs. My sorority sisters and I had a lingerie exchange party (I know, how cliche of us!). We each wrote down what kind of undies we liked, and our Secret Santa got some for us, and we all exchanged them at a party with carols and gingerbread house-making. I gave myself a big role in organizing and planning that kind of stuff, which helped me be a little more distracted from my own problems. I also went Christmas shopping with anyone who was going, watched Christmas movies by myself and with anyone I could rope into joining me, and went on a lot of trips to Starbucks for gingerbread lattes and peppermint mochas. I was still really sad about the breakup, but all of that helped tremendously, and it made me feel much less "blah" about the holiday season.

I hope you can introduce a little more holiday cheer into your life. As others have wisely told you, channel your energy and love toward the wonderful people in your life, and remember that you do not need your ex to feel happy and cheery!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I have always found joy in seeing the joy of others.

 

[purrfectpear]

Volunteering is excellent !

You could also spend an evening or Saturday and visit a nursing home. I imagine there are a lot of older folks with no one to visit them...you could really brighten up their holiday

Go shopping at the dollar store and donate some things to a women''s shelter, or toys to a children''s home?

Mostly focus on those less fortunate and you''ll realize that while you might not have the perfect relationship this Christmas, you have much to be joyful about

 

[monarch64]

OuPear, I''m going through a divorce right now, this will be my first Christmas without a significant other since...I don''t know, since I was 19 or 20? I''ve always had a boyfriend or a husband or a special someone. This year, I get to spend my Christmas with my immediate family, though, and I am so looking forward to it. I tend to think positive, and look at the bright side rather than getting down about being single. I''m actually really loving being single again, anyway...lol.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Thank you ladies! And Elmorton, you are so right! I don''t get out of school until the 19th. I really just want to be at home with my family. Instead, I am stuck here stressed out about school.

I always enjoy volunteering, especially during the holidays. It has definitely given me some perspective and it truly does bring me joy to help others. This year I feel it is more important than other, for some reason.

I''m going to Kansas City this weekend to watch my Sooners dominate the Big 12 championship! I cannot wait to get out of town again, it does me good to escape from the places where I have memories of him.

Thank you for being so supportive and kind to me. Ya''ll help me more than you will ever know.

 

[Octavia]

OUPear, I also wanted to point out that, at least from what I gathered in your old thread, you weren't "dumped." Your ex would probably be happy to have you still waiting around for him to get over himself and ready to jump the moment the phone rang. Instead, you chose to extricate yourself from a relationship that wasn't giving you what you needed or deserved. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but what you did -- and what you're doing now, as you cope and move forward with your life and do admirable things for others -- is really empowering.

Otherwise, I second everything that has been said. Keep busy, rock your exams, and keep in mind that it's only a few more days until you can go home. Hugs, and kudos to you for being awesome!