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Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons (great article) thoughts?

Discussion in 'Bride World Wide & Grooms Grooves' started by blissfulbride, Jun 5, 2009.

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  1. blissfulbride
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    by blissfulbride » Jun 5, 2009

    Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons


    Do we have to get married to be somebody? Do we have to get married to be emotionally fulfilled? Do we have to get married to gain spiritual favor with God? The answer to all of these questions is no. Then why are so many people getting married as if it is going out of style? It is my gut feeling that a significant number of individuals are seeking marriage for the wrong reasons. Believe it or not, they are not all together to blame.


    A GIFT FROM GOD
    Parents and guardians often help create the mind-set in our youth that life isn’t fulfilling without marriage. This starts from the cradle when the mother holds her son in her arms and repeatedly pronounces these unfortunate words: "I can’t wait for you to grown up, get married, and bring me some grand children." Or "I hope you grow up to be a good wife." These phrases seem healthy and normal, but in reality they are meaningless to developing children whose goals should be not marriage but blossoming into a person with a well-balanced character. These tender children are gradually being robbed of the wholesome concept that the single life is a gift from God and a time to cherish and love. Forming character is more important than planning for marriage.
    Getting married is a built-in natural desire God has given most of us. However, stewardship of singleness (which comes before marriage) is the first requirement--before we can face the commitment of marriage. Many are unfaithful stewards of their single life, thus plummeting themselves into marriage for the wrong reasons.
    WRONG REASONS
    Understanding some of the wrong reasons for which people get married may help us to better know why some people are unfaithful stewards of singleness. Dr. Barbara De Angelis, in her book "Are You The One For Me?," states some of the wrong reasons to marry:
    Pressure - This is the influence friends, family, society and your own psyche place upon you that give the message "You should be in a relationship, and if you’re not something is wrong with you." Key questions to ask would be a) Are most of your friends part of a couple, but you are still single? b) Are you unmarried and over thirty? c) Are you the last person in your family to "settle down?" d) Are you recently divorced? In our society we can really heap lots of pressure on unmarried family members and friends. It is time that we leave them alone and learn to appreciate and value their singleness.

    Loneliness and Desperation - Too many individuals only get married because they are desperate or lonely. Dr. Angelis is right when she says "when you are feeling lonely or desperate, you are much more likely to make poor love choices and end up in unfulfilling relationships." A lonely and desperate person will remain lonely after marriage. Some people are so emotionally empty that they are desperate for anyone to marry. In the end these persons end up in a painful relationship.


    Sexual Hunger - Some people are so sexually driven that they end up seeking someone to care for but in reality, they want sex more than long-lasting intimate relationships. Some people act as if they are "on heat" like dogs, and during those times they find a lover to share their passion. Sometimes the passion remains until the wedding day, but after the wedding day it diminishes into the abyss of frustration and pain.


    Distraction From Your Own Life - Many get married not because they have found the right person "but as an excuse to avoid their own life." Evaluating the following statements may help you know whether you are avoiding dealing with your own life?


    I have a history of unfullfilling relationships


    I don’t go for long periods of time without being in a relationship


    The relationships I get involved in are very time-consuming.


    When I’m in a relationship, I devote less time to my own interests and friends.


    As a rule I don’t enjoy spending time alone, and would rather be with other people


    I find it easier to motivate others to solve their own problems than to motivate my self to solve my own.


    "Some people have relationships because they are bored with the lack of passion and purpose in their own lives, and rather than looking within to find out why they feel that way, they get involved in a love affair and make that their purpose."


    To Avoid Growing Up - This is a really big one in our country. There are too many people who enter marriage simply because they want to be "taken care of." These persons usually become dependant emotionally on those they love. This kind of relationship can usually be identified when a) there is a big age difference between partners. b) there is a big difference in financial and professional success. c) there is a big contrast in life experience level between the partners.


    Guilt - There are many who remain in a pre-marriage relationship because they are afraid what might happen if they left. They may feel guilty to leave because they did not treat the person as nicely as the person treated them. "When you decide to be with someone out of guilt and not love, you are ripping them and yourself off."


    To Fill Up Your Emotional and Spiritual Emptiness - Dr. Angelis clearly writes: "If you have deep places of emptiness within you, no partner, regardless of how much they love you, will be able to fill that emptiness.


    WHAT TO DO?
    There would be more successful marriages, if people would take the time to know themselves first before they seek to explore the mind of someone else. It is very easy to mistake physical passion, or romantic infatuation for genuine, long-lasting love. One of the whys to prevent getting married for the wrong reasons is not to date until you are ready for a romantic relationship that may lead to marriage. Why get seriously "in love" with someone and you have no intentions of getting married to that person or not for a long time? If the relationship is too long, there is a great risk of the relationship getting stale and the couple spending lots of time patching up bad feelings. When the time comes for marriage, they are more in love with love itself than with each other. They would have gotten married for the wrong reason. A great mistake young people make is that they never allow themselves to experience a significant period of their young life unattached. From the time they understand the meaning of the word love they have serious relationships, which often cause them to expend their energy in extremely long telephone calls, sleepless nights and failing grades, loss of appetites, etc. Thus, they miss the joy of developing genuine friendships that do not lead to romance. Remember, dating puts one out of circulation. That is, we are locked off from establishing other relationships. When we start "going out of circulation" too early in life, we will end up in a marriage that will lock us away from a world of happiness, freedom, and growth. This is one reason why pre-marriage counseling for all couples is vital. Dear readers, avoid getting married for the wrong reasons

     
    


    


  2. Hudson_Hawk
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    by Hudson_Hawk » Jun 5, 2009
    I''m actually interested to hear your thoughts BB. You just got married. Has this article changed how you think of marriage? Do you wish you had it to read prior to your wedding?
     
  3. decodelighted
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    by decodelighted » Jun 5, 2009
    Ditto
     
  4. musey
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    by musey » Jun 5, 2009
    thritto.
     
    


    


  5. blissfulbride
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    by blissfulbride » Jun 5, 2009
    ummm hudson hawk your questions seem a bit defensive. lol

    AND No my thoughts after reading this article were, thank god I don''t feel none of these things. We are truly blessed, because we married for the exact right reason.

    THE RIGHT AND ONLY REASON TO EVER GET MARRIED IS (LOVE) NO OTHER REASON AT ALL. maybe ill find and post another article that proves this ! lol

    When I came across this article, I felt I had to share it and its not direct to anyone here. Just a good read !
     
  6. princesss
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    by princesss » Jun 5, 2009
    You want to know what we honestly thought of the article? Just a few quick bullet points on it:

    -Too many blanket statements.
    -Not enough research.
    -One "expert" opinion does not equal truth.
    -Poorly written.

    I also disagree that the only reason to ever get married is love. There are many reasons to get married. My ideal reason to get married is because I love my partner and we share compatible values and outlooks on life, but that reasoning is based on cultural ideals, not some far-reaching "truth" about marriage.
     
  7. Hudson_Hawk
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    by Hudson_Hawk » Jun 5, 2009
    Wow. Pot/kettle there sweetie. I think you should read your response to my reply (which was a reasonable and genuine request to hear your opinion from your own perspective in regards to the article) and maybe do a little self-reflection on the term "defensive."

    As a new bride, I assumed you might have a different view than me, who is soon to be married.

    For the record, it''s annoying when people post articles and such asking for opinions but don''t give their thoughts.
     
  8. Hudson_Hawk
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    by Hudson_Hawk » Jun 5, 2009
    Now my response to the article above. I agree with Princess in that marriage isn''t only about love. Love waxes and wanes. There is never just one reason alone to get married. Everyone wants a passionate love affair to last the ages, but that''s not reasonable or realistic. In my opinion, the reason should be a combination of things like attraction, passion, companionship, intellectual compatibility, and values. A successful and long-term marriage cannot be based on love alone. Yes love is VERY important, but you can love and be passionate about someone without having the fundamental compatibility required to have a successful and fulfilling marriage.
     
  9. oobiecoo
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    by oobiecoo » Jun 5, 2009
    ditto.

    If love were all you need, then I would have married my high school boyfriend! Love is important, but there are other factors that are equally or more important.
     
  10. Gypsy
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    by Gypsy » Jun 5, 2009
    Yeah BB... you have kind of a hit and run posting style. You post things (like X-rated and inappropriate Bachelorette party pics) and just run off. I'm sure you have depth somewhere, but it doesn't come accross on here. Hudson wasn't being 'defensive' (I think you used the wrong word, I think you were trying to say that she was being "offensive"--- and neither of which is true BTW) she was being responsive and inquisative. Thoughtful. Things you might want to give a try occassionally. Congrats on getting married, glad you got what you wanted out of PS, but this is a place of give and take. And while you've done a lot of taking. You don't really give us much. And Hudson was TRYING to give you the chance to do that. But I guess, you missed that.

    Hudson, there is no pot/kettle situation. You are a thoughtful, contributing member of these boards.

    Regarding my thoughts on the article: It's judgemental, limited, juvinile and simplistic, overly western in it's ideology, poorly written, and well... junk.
     
    


    


  11. FrekeChild
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    by FrekeChild » Jun 5, 2009
    Honestly, I stopped reading halfway through the first paragraph because I''m a bit too atheistic** to read all of those references to God.


    **I am not an atheist, but I think the world would be better off without organized religions. if I had to label myself I''d say I''m agnostic. Also, these references to God seem to limit the audience-myself being case in point.
     
  12. princesss
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    by princesss » Jun 5, 2009
    "Poorly written psycho-babble" is what popped into my head, but I like your description better. Especially the "overly western ideology" part. That really bugged me.
     
  13. laine
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    by laine » Jun 5, 2009
    Rather off-topic here, but I found this describes my beliefs (or lack thereof) well: apatheism
     
  14. NakedFinger
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    by NakedFinger » Jun 5, 2009
    hudson- your whole post is astute, eloquent and well written. I agree immensely with the highlighted portion. While love is important in a marriage (obviously! [​IMG]), it isn’t all you need to make a marriage work. In fact, most studies show that as a reason for so many failed marriages. That people assume love is all you need, jump into it without factoring all the other things that make a successful, long marriage.
     
  15. VRBeauty
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    by VRBeauty » Jun 5, 2009
    I think it''s worthwhile to keep in mind though that this article seems to be written toward teen-agers and young adults, and likely those who already share certain cultural values religious beliefs. Nobody''s running this in the New York Times (I hope). Still, I''m not a fan of the sweeping generalizations, let alone the premise that everybody wants (and presumably needs) to be married but most of us screw it up.
     
    


    


  16. FrekeChild
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    by FrekeChild » Jun 5, 2009
    Rock on laine, thanks for that!
     
  17. SassyB
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    by SassyB » Jun 5, 2009
    haha!

    How many of you out there does this quote scare the #$%#^ out of? Yeah, me too ;-)

    HH - I LOVE what you have to say about love and marriage. You are very good with words.
     
  18. PilsnPinkysMom
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    by PilsnPinkysMom » Jun 5, 2009

    Hahaha... I AM a card-carrying atheist, read the whole article, and at the end thought, "Even a conservative, ultra-devout Christian wouldn''t buy what this article says." I''m curious where the source of this article was... Maybe Examiner.com or About.com? I''d be quite surprised if it was in a magazine or medium-large sized newspaper.
     
  19. rhbgirl24
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    by rhbgirl24 » Jun 5, 2009

    I agree. I couldn''t get through all the God references either. While I have no problem with people who do believe, I simply don''t.

    I just didn''t like the feel of the article, it just rubbed me the wrong way - yes, people do get married for the wrong reasons, but as far as I can tell, that isn''t a problem on here, and I''m not sure it was appropriate addition to this board. But who am I to judge? To each their own, right?
     
  20. wishinpink
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    by wishinpink » Jun 5, 2009
    Hmm, I think this article has some good points. If anything, it does provoke some thought.


    I don''t know the poster, but even if you disagree, I think it''d be nice to disagree in a non attacking manner. PS is such a lovely place of support and with such a welcoming nature. Would hate for that to change. Just my two cents. [​IMG]
     
  21. Hudson_Hawk
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    by Hudson_Hawk » Jun 5, 2009
    *BITING TONGUE*
     
  22. decodelighted
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    by decodelighted » Jun 5, 2009
    OH SNAP! (Ditto every last carefully chosen word).
     
  23. ChargerGrrl
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    by ChargerGrrl » Jun 5, 2009
    rosebud, have you read any of BB's posts? doing so would give you a bit of perspective!

    and, yes- PS is a lovely place of support, but as Gypsy stated, it's all about give and take. her post was spot on, and certainly non-attacking- as well as Hudson's
     
  24. wishinpink
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    by wishinpink » Jun 5, 2009

    I did check some of her posts, but not thoroughly. I mean, if you guys feel like you are justified in your actions, then by all means don''t let me stop you. I''m not some sort of pricescope police, just was a little startled when I dropped in on this thread by some of the comments. Then again, there must be history I don''t know about, so next time I keep my mouth shut.
    [​IMG]
     
  25. decodelighted
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    by decodelighted » Jun 5, 2009
    Additionally, it is against PS policy to quote an entire article. Best to quote a *portion* and link to the remainder. Could be construed as stealing content.

    ETA:

    # You will not post any copyrighted material without appropriate acknowledgements.
    # You will not copy and retransmit any information out of these forums without first getting the permission of the original author of the message. The only exception can be using the materials for solely educational purposes with appropriate acknowledgement.
     
  26. blissfulbride
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    by blissfulbride » Jun 5, 2009
    I must say this is all every entertaining and thank you. I could respond to every post directed to me. I just simply don''t care to. I can think of a million other things to do with my time. It was just an article I wanted to share. Trust me that wont happen ever again. lol


    GOOD LUCK ON YOUR WEDDINGS
    HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND

    BLISSFULBRIDE ALWAYS [​IMG]
     
  27. Hudson_Hawk
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  28. galeteia
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    by galeteia » Jun 6, 2009
    This is marvelous! I now have a term for my own outlook: Ignosticism that was linked to that article. Thanks for that link!
     
  29. Maisie
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    by Maisie » Jun 7, 2009
    I got married for the money. Simple as that. I figured I might as well marry someone who is rich and can look after me. I have trained him well, he is at my beck and call. I snap my fingers and he comes running with his cheque book. [​IMG]
     
  30. October2008bride
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    by October2008bride » Jun 7, 2009
    [​IMG][​IMG]

    Amazing.

    In all honesty, when I was younger this older woman told me that the secret to success was to keep my skin good and marry rich.

    I developed melasma and married for love and compatibility. Oops :)
     
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