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Getting a lot of flack!

BriBee

BriBee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 11, 2007
Messages
656
I know threads with a similar subject may have been done before, and if so I apologize in advance....

I'll start with the main topic and then tell the backstory below in case anyone wants to skip that part....
Has anyone else ever gotten flack from someone, or rude reactions when you talk about picking out (or helping to pick out) your own jewelry, specifically the ER?
The thing is that SO and I are getting pretty close to engagement time and a stone and ring is in the works. We've tried to keep it mostly to ourselves but it's very exciting for us so we've told a few close people. I'm so sad today because I basically got a "lecture" from someone I consider to be close to us both that it's "weird" that I'm so involved in picking out my ring. And if SO really wanted to get married that he would be doing it all himself so that it would be a surprise. And basically insinuating that I'm running the show and bulldozing SO into this whole thing :(sad :(sad :(sad

Now a little backstory....

SO and I have been talking about getting married almost since we first got together. It sounds so cheesy, I know, but it was literally like first date and we were in love. When we moved in together it was with the understanding that an engagement was coming. Anyways, before Christmas SO told me that he's ready to start looking at rings and once the holidays were done we would schedule a weekend to go shopping so he could see what I like. He wants my input because (as we all know) diamond info can be overwhelming and intimidating when you first start out. SO just wants to make sure that I love what we get because it's a lot of money and I'm the one who has to wear it.

Once I got the green light that he was ready to shop I introduced him to PS! He was a little nervous about buying online at first, but after I had such a great consignment experience with GOG and showed him their videos, he was on board. We've been excitedly working with Jonathan for a couple weeks now, and a stone should be delivered tomorrow! We are both so excited and I'm so grateful that he was willing to check out PS and let me have some input. I don't have tons of posts here, but you can see I've been a member since 2007, so I've absorbed a LOT in that time and basically know exactly what I want. It has saved us so much time and energy this way. We read a lot of the posts of guys on here trying to find the best stone and best ring and I LOVE reading those posts...but sometimes they give me anxiety :cheeky: because I just remember how overwhelming it all is when you first start and I'm so glad I'm not there anymore, LOL.
 
I think you and your SO are going about it perfectly! I honestly don't understand this need people have to shove their nose into other people's business and tell them what they should or should not do! So much energy spent in interfering and judging! Ugh. Ignore them :angryfire: I am sure the stone you get will be BEAUTIFUL! I have a Solasfera from GOG and I love both my stone as well as the company. Enjoy your beautiful ring and ignore all the lame people who want to pull you down. :sun:
 
Eh, they sound kind of old-fashioned to me.

You could just send them this recent blog post: https://www.pricescope.com/blog/surprise-proposal-yes-surprise-engagement-ring-eh-not-so-much

I think with couples living together prior to marriage, it shouldn't be such a 'surprise' to anyone, especially YOU, that you'll get engaged at some point. :naughty: :roll: :lol:

My DH and I were the same way; we'd been friends for a long time before we became a couple, so it was becoming a couple with the intention to find out if we should get married. When we figured out the general timeframe for getting married, we counted back and realized we wanted to get married in about 8 months, which meant needing to shop quickly so we could have the required-by-our-diocese 6 month engagement (oh, Catholics! gotta love the pre-marital planning they require). He basically gave me a budget and he okayed the final ring and ordered it himself, with a surprise proposal a few days after he got the ring.
 
BeeCushion,

I am so sorry you had to go through such an unpleasant experience with this close friend! From what I read of this he/she is building upon several premises:

1) That the marriage proposal should be entirely be dependent on the male in the relationship, be it decision of when to the type of ring (based on what the post)

2) the assumption that the marriage proposal should be a complete surprise (hence an element of romanticism)

In this day and age, I find this type of thinking, while romantic to some, unrealistic for others. There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing what are your preferences, when the two of you would like to get engaged etc, because this relationship is about the BOTH of you, not the MAN! I am really glad that your boyfriend and you are so open and honest about discussing such important issues upfront, and being comfortable enough to talk about it (I have met female friends who dared not broach the subject of marriage/rings because they are afraid their man would be offended - if they want to spend the rest of their lives with one guy and can't talk about something like that openly it is going to be tough in the long run.)

In life there will always be tons of people judging you and giving advice. At the end of it, it is YOUR relationship and it is about the two of you, not others. I say just ignore this person or say something along the lines of "My boyfriend and I respect each other, which is why we both want each other to be actively involved in the ring shopping and planning process". I hope you don't let someone like that ruin what is a happy occasion for the both of you, and congratulations!
 
Dude, it could be worse ... I PROPOSED, and then we picked out the ring together (I offered to get him one, he preferred to pin the bling on the Circe). I had one conservative friend cringe when he told our engagement story at a dinner party. "Don't you feel like it makes it look like you love him more than he loves you?" she asked.

When I asked her if that meant she thought all dudes out there everywhere loved their ladies more than they were loved by them, she blinked. Didn't say a word. Never mentioned it again, though.

I see the whole engagement process as being very symbolic. I'm glad mine reflected both of our personalities - I'm impetuous and decisive (spur-of-the-moment proposal), and he's incredibly understanding (immediately on the heels of "Yes!" was "I was just trying to accommodate your commitment phobia!") and absolutely impossible to "emasculate," which is v. important to me in a man. I like that a hell of a lot more than I would any of the baggage of acting like a proper lady, and waiting, and gnashing my teeth, and winding up with something I probably wouldn't have loved to look at (my beloved has many wonderful qualities, but the ability to pick jewelry isn't among them).

Long story short? Do what is right for you, and let the busybodies twist in the wind. Sheesh, who died and appointed them social secretary?
 
Ugh, sorry that person made you feel badly - the heck with him/her, just try to ignore it and continue to do things the way you and your SO want to do them. It's not odd for the woman to be involved in the process, and it's nobody's business how you guys do things anyway. In hindsight I guess it would have been better not to even share anything with anyone, but you had no way of knowing you'd get such negative feedback. I would just stop talking to others about your ring plans from now on, and don't let the rude comments get to you. Sorry that person put such a damper on something you are so excited about. Boo hiss :nono:
 
I obsessively researched diamonds and sent my now-husband all the info. He of course, got completely overwhelmed, so I happily ended up picking out my diamond and designing my ring myself. He paid, though! :halo:

I got a lot of nasty comments, which was interesting and surprising. I guess it just never occurred to me that anyone would a. care what anyone else did to pick out their engagement ring or b. think that someone who works in fashion shouldn't have a say in something they're supposed to wear for foreverrrrr. My favorite was when a coworker said "You picked it out?! Real romantic!" and I said "I know, him getting me exactly what I want is romantic, isn't it?!" She didn't have much to say to that. :cheeky:

Lesson learned, though-now I keep those kind of details to myself! No one but my husband and twin sister (and diamond peeps, of course!) know about my recent upgrade. Not their business!
 
My guess is jealousy. She probably hates her ring (if she has one) and is too afraid to say anything so the fact that you got to pick our exactly what you like makes her jealous.

DH and I started dating on the agreement that immediately we would figure out if this would be heading anywhere. He didn't date before me and I'd dated enough that if DH wasn't the one I was going to be done for a long time. It's really just not worth it if it's not headed anywhere. Anyways, I also picked out my ring. It was after I had joined PS also in 2007 and as someone who loves diamonds, I just wanted mine and it had to be a 1 ct center. I still wasn't as informed as I wish I would have been back then, but I have an amazing DH who loves my for my guilty pleasure and is very open to upgrades etc. I have friends that the ring they got (and small) is the only one they'll have because their husbands don't believe in upgrading.

Anyways, you have it better than her and she's just jealous. So forget her and when your stone comes you can show it off and she'll just have to keep that mouth of hers shut!

Congrats to you two!!! and just a piece of advice since things like this are already popping up and you're not even "officially" engaged - as far as your engagement and parties and wedding and receptions - THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. Period. Anyone else who has nothing better to do than to rain on your parade can STUFF IT!!
 
you guys did it the right way by discussing your preferences!!... :appl: :appl:
 
I am going to have to assume that this person is a little bit on the envious side that you are having a say in your ring and that she did not have any say at all, and can't stand that relationship dynamic at all.

When you get engaged, give this person the finger, because they are not a friend. Actually, give them a finger now. A different one. :)
 
Thank you everyone for your support, feedback, and advice. I honestly felt better just being able to write it all out here on PS and your wonderful answers make it even better. I especially love "...give them a finger now. A different one." Hahahaha :lol:

I think I will heed the advice here to not share any more details about what's going on... Won't let anyone else rain on our parade!
 
04diamond<3|1359513729|3367013 said:
My guess is jealousy. She probably hates her ring (if she has one) and is too afraid to say anything so the fact that you got to pick our exactly what you like makes her jealous.

...

Congrats to you two!!! and just a piece of advice since things like this are already popping up and you're not even "officially" engaged - as far as your engagement and parties and wedding and receptions - THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. Period. Anyone else who has nothing better to do than to rain on your parade can STUFF IT!!
Click to expand...

I'm with 04diamond<3 and ame...

screw 'em.

And if you were really distressed over their comments I might wonder (under my breath) whether you're really ready for marriage, to boot. This is about you and your sweetie, and since you're on the same page nobody else's opinion matters at all.

But you're not, so whew!

I'm looking forward to seeing your ring in SMTB! (Hint, hint!)
 
BeeCushion|1359516234|3367062 said:
Thank you everyone for your support, feedback, and advice. I honestly felt better just being able to write it all out here on PS and your wonderful answers make it even better. I especially love "...give them a finger now. A different one." Hahahaha :lol:

I think I will heed the advice here to not share any more details about what's going on... Won't let anyone else rain on our parade!
Click to expand...
As you can assume, I make a lot of friends by "waving". :wavey: HAHA!

I do get a lot of flack, and did in the past as well, but yknow what, you know what's right for you and your relationship. They can shove their opinions. And the fact that your fiance wants your input says a great deal about your relationship and it's strength.
 
People like that drive me insane. Fortunately, I haven't received any comments like that however we were married almost 2 years before I got the ring and I did all the research while giving him high level info.

AlexisZoe's comment is bang on! It's not 1950 anymore, if you can't discuss important, expensive purchases together then GOOD LUCK with the rest of your marriage! :)
 
Your "friend" is catty.
 
You have an SO to brag about!!! He's a grown-up. Point any Negative Nellies to the many threads on PS by women who hate the e-rings picked out without their input.

Real life isn't a romance novel where silly ideas like that come from. Would these folks expect your SO to pick out all your clothes? Then, why an item you'll wear every day of your life?

I wonder if all the rosy bathos around getting engaged & married ends with more-disillusioned spouses -- do they expect more happily-ever-after than others?

Apologies to those who disagree, but the stickiness sometimes surrounding engagements puts me off. Getting down on one knee (why not two?) to emulate Victorians -- who NEVER did that. "I plan to propose to her in 2 weeks & I can't without the ring." "He doesn't want me to change my ring -- I should love forever the one he gave me 10 yrs ago." These are only symbols.

I'm plenty sentimental -- I still carry in my purse the collar I took off my dog before they gave him the last shot 8 months ago, can't part with it yet -- but the pseudo-Victorian corn about getting engaged can get silly. OF COURSE you should choose your own ring! :appl:

--- Laurie
 
You are soooo lucky that your SO is taking the time to do the research on this ring. He has approached it with maturity as he values your input and ultimately, it is the ring that you will be wearing.

Like the majority of guys, their research is only at the B&M store. They have no clue and will trust the SA. And ladies that have not found PS, would probably have no idea either, and none the wiser. If they ever find PS, then learning grows and then potentially a conversation on an upgrade. :lol: :lol:

Perhaps, your friends may not know much about bling and will trust their partner with the research who trusts the SA advice. And that is ok, too; as it suits them. The romanticism of their SO doing the 'research' to get them the ring and then propose, is just lovely. So, is getting the ring of YOUR liking as you guys are spending the time in the decision making process. It is a HUGE cost to most, if not all couples and getting it right is difficult. Both ppl will have to be happy.....

Because you are well versed in bling, it is great that he has sought your advice as you will probably know more on the subject than he. He ultimately wants you to be happy with the ring. So it is a win/win. :) :)

Whilst the engagement ring is predominantly for the ladies, i cant see why it is restrictive to the ladies only. or why, in this day and age that the guy has to be the one proposing; i know there are several on PS where the lady proposes to the guy. but, that is another topic altogether, well.. maybe several topics. ;) ;)
 
you sound like such a lovely couple and I love your backstory and the journey to your engagement. Don't feel that some people's negative responses should keep you from sharing your story. And if you get any more sniffs of disdain, simply reply, "and THAT'S why I'm not marrying YOU!" :lol:
 
I think too many people just presume that if a woman is involved in buying her own ring, that woman is greedy and is pushing the guy to buy something larger and more expensive than he would have picked out by himself. I know that's how most men and their mothers here think, hehe.
 
Just for the record, I was engaged 21 years ago - and we picked out the ring(s) together then. It certainly wasn't uncommon, so I wonder where your friend has been living. I also worked in jewelry sales for several years and couples came in to view engagement rings - very rarely a single men.
 
Pffft whoever said that to you is silly and boring. My SO and I just finished picking out the diamond and setting together. And you know what? It has been a totally exciting and fun thing to do as a couple! My SO has been open to learning about diamonds and settings, going and looking at them. It's been a bonding experience, truly. AND, I'm setting the standard for any future jewelry purchases :)
 
BeeCushion|1359516234|3367062 said:
Thank you everyone for your support, feedback, and advice. I honestly felt better just being able to write it all out here on PS and your wonderful answers make it even better. I especially love "...give them a finger now. A different one." Hahahaha :lol:

I think I will heed the advice here to not share any more details about what's going on... Won't let anyone else rain on our parade!
Click to expand...

Hi,
Yeah, the ring process really is about you and your future husband so just to prevent more rude comments, better to just keep it to yourself. People just can't help making comments and being butts at times! And, FWIW, my husband and I went shopping for my ring together. I'm glad we did because I had thought I wanted one shape, but turned out liking something entirely different and if we hadn't gone together and did the "traditional" way of him picking out a ring and surprise proposing, I might have felt stuck keeping that first ring that we ended up exchanging a week later. Either way, "friends" weren't always nice about it. One gal tried to get me to go to "singles night" with her AFTER I got my ring because she said I wasn't officially married yet. When I got married, she quit talking to me. lol People ARE WEIRD!!!
 
TC1987|1359558887|3367323 said:
I think too many people just presume that if a woman is involved in buying her own ring, that woman is greedy and is pushing the guy to buy something larger and more expensive than he would have picked out by himself. I know that's how most men and their mothers here think, hehe.
Click to expand...

I think you're right. The funny thing is (and I think most PSers would agree) that it's actually more about saving money or getting the MOST from your budget. We all know what you get for your money at a BM and then you can come look at a PS vendor and think "Noooo, why didn't I go this route!"

So many of your responses have me laughing out loud. I feel much better about it and after SO and I talked about it last night we were basically just "what do they know?!?!" :roll: and laughing it off.
 
In other news....my asscher from GOG should be here ANY MINUTE!!!!!! It's 9:45 PST and it's supposed to be here before 10:30... I'll be posting in SMTB next! :bigsmile:

ETA:

"The Memphis hub and flight operations experienced substantial disruptions last night due to severe thunderstorms and high winds. Potential delays are possible for shipment deliveries across the U.S. FedEx is committed to provide service to the best of our ability. Please continue to check fedex.com for updates."

Just read this on FedEx's site...NOOOO! ;( ;( ;( My package was last listed in Memphis according to tracking info!
 
I hate when that happens!!! Hopefully tomorrow? I'm so sorry!
 
Yes, hopefully tomorrow...FedEx FINALLY updated the information and it looks like my package departed Memphis just before 3pm my time.....This is excruciating! Haha, first world problems I guess :roll:
 
As of 6:47pm my time, FedEx lists my package at a sort facility 40 minutes from where I live. I'm tempted to drive over there :bigsmile:
Fingers crossed for delivery tomorrow morning!
 
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