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Future inlaw situation...I know I'm being childish

chemgirl

chemgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2009
Messages
2,345
I haven't posted much about my wedding planning because its been so uneventfull! Once we found the venue everything just clicked in to place.

Today has been the first bit of real wedding related drama and I don't know if I'm being bridezilla, or being too sensitive about everything. So the story...

FMIL won't be coming to the wedding because we are getting married in Canada and she lives in the UK. Its a bit dissapointing, but we were ok with it. I understand that its hard to get time off while working contract and money can be an issue. Fast forward to yesterday when she called to tell us all about her upcoming trip to Italy. She'll be spending 10 days in Italy next month and the days overlap our wedding. I'm a bit hurt that she has the time and money for a vacation to Italy, but not for her only son's wedding.

I had been holding out hope that she'd find a way to come, so I hadn't arranged any of the mother of the groom stuff (ie flowers, seating, standing up for the blessing). When I found out she was going on vacation instead of our wedding, I was a bit childish and asked FI if he would be ok with his stepmother doing the mother-of-the-groom stuff. We spend a lot of time with his stepfamily so he is happy with this alternative.

I admit I suggested it because I knew it would get to his mom, but I also think its important that FI have people to stand up with him during the wedding. My family will be standing up, so it would be nice if he had family up with him as well. His mom absolutely hates his dad and stepmom (well at least the idea of her) and I think that plays a large role in why she's not coming. She has been very controlling of all of FI's life events (ie birthdays, graduations) and has always insisted that his stepmom not attend. Our wedding would have been the first time they would be in the same room together.

I am having second thoughts about involving FI's stepmom in the wedding. Of course she's going to attend, but I'm not sure about having her stand up for the blessing/wearing a corsage etc. We haven't asked her yet, but FI is really on board with the idea and wants to ask her now that I've suggested it.

It feels like my childishness has dropped me in to the middle of a minefield.
 
Chemgirl - His mother is the one being childish. You are not. She is being petty. She's going on vacation to make a point to his father and step mother and she is making her own son unimportant. If his step mother is going to make him important then that shows him who his REAL family is. I think your suggestion was fantastic and I hope they go through with it because it sounds like him and his step mother have a better relationship.
 
I 100% agree with dragonfly.

Chemgirl, you have done NOTHING wrong. I don't think you acted childishly in the least. Let his mother make her point, and let you have a wonderful wedding filled with people who care more about your happiness than their petty issues. It sounds like your future SMIL perfectly fits that bill.
 
sounds like if she knew when the wedding was and said she wasnt going because she couldnt get work off... and THEN got work off and instead of going to the wedding is going on a vacation to another country ..... um :nono:
Yeah, I think it is ok to ask his step mom to help... I feel bad for your fiance though. Having a mother ignore your wedding to go play somewhere else has got to hurt. :nono:
 
I don't think it's selfish at all. Maybe your reasons aren't 100% "innocent", but it's certainly appropriate. Why shouldn't your FI's stepmom stand if his bio mom isn't even going to be there by HER choice? I don't think you need to give this a second thought to be honest. Your FI's happy about the idea and ultimately that's what's important. I'd say don't worry about it anymore and just be glad that your FI will have her to stand for him instead of being left out! :)
 
Yikes. I see no problem with his step-mom being fully involved but if it were me I would prefer that the groom make that decision and invited StepMIL to step up. It is up to him who 'represents' him. If he is happy with it then it is not you being catty is it, the cattiness is just a fringe benefit ( :naughty: ). Your MIL was invited and she can't dress up the fact that she does have time off and isn't going to attend.
 
I was being childish because my internal monologue was saying "Well fine then, if you can't be bothered to come we'll ask FSMIL and see how you like it"

Not exactly a mature thought process.

But I do think everyone is right about involving his stepmother. She has been in his life for about 15 years now and I think its the right thing to do (even if I suggested it for the wrong reasons).

FI is a mama's boy and they have always been very close. I'm just really surprised by all of this.

He's not really upset because he's reasoning that its a lot cheaper to fly to Italy from England, than it is to fly to Toronto. However, hotel+food in Italy is going to make up the difference by far. We had offered to have her stay at our place so that would have really cut down on her costs.

ETA: I suggested to him that he ask his stepmom and he liked the idea. He is planning on talking to her about it when we go over for dinner this weekend. I know its his decision, but he would take my advice on it if I felt it was a really bad idea. Good thing is that we agree on it!
 
chemgirl said:
I was being childish because my internal monologue was saying "Well fine then, if you can't be bothered to come we'll ask FSMIL and see how you like it"

Not exactly a mature thought process.

But I do think everyone is right about involving his stepmother. She has been in his life for about 15 years now and I think its the right thing to do (even if I suggested it for the wrong reasons).

FI is a mama's boy and they have always been very close. I'm just really surprised by all of this.

He's not really upset because he's reasoning that its a lot cheaper to fly to Italy from England, than it is to fly to Toronto. However, hotel+food in Italy is going to make up the difference by far. We had offered to have her stay at our place so that would have really cut down on her costs.

ETA: I suggested to him that he ask his stepmom and he liked the idea. He is planning on talking to her about it when we go over for dinner this weekend. I know its his decision, but he would take my advice on it if I felt it was a really bad idea. Good thing is that we agree on it!
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Glad to hear it and kudos for handling an awkward decision together.

BTW: If it were my Son's wedding I would take a loan if I had to, I would be there. Your FMIL must have other reasons for staying away. If I were you I would extend the olive branch a little bit and perhaps send over a wedding box with mementos of the day like a stem from the arrangements, some pictures of her son getting ready a slice of fruit cake etc with a heartfelt note from the 2 of you - wishing she were there and get your MOH to send if off on your wedding day or the day after. She may not deserve the attention or effort but she will always be your MIL and your FI might appreciate your efforts too
 
Great ideas Steal.

Before she told us about her trip, we were planning on setting up a webcam so she could see the ceremony. I doubt this will be possible while she's on vacation because she doesn't have a laptop. Thank you for suggestion alternative ways to involve her after her trip.

I think a lot of it has to do with her issues with his dad. She is still very bitter about the divorce. She was very upset to find out that we spend time with his dad and stepfamily. Hey, maybe she'll meet somebody while on vacation and start moving past it.
 
Missing your son's wedding? I don't care what the reason is. If it's anything other than "on her death bed" she should be there. Saying she can't afford it and then going to Italy during that time is her purposely hurting your fiance. She is trying to be the center of attention at the wedding while being absent. Totally selfish. If her reasoning behind it is really that she can't be in the same room as the step mom? She is the one being childish.
 
I don't think you are being childish. If she is going on vacation during the wedding...then...it's obviously not a priority for her to be there. Nothing you can do about that. Is your FI OK with this? Is he close to his mom?

ETA just wanted to add that I understand tough family situations...and it's just that-tough. no easy way about it. sorry you are dealing with this
 
I think it's perfectly fine to ask his step-mom to stand up in her place as long as your FI is fine with it. You may feel guilty about your intentions, but I think the idea was a good one. It's your MIL who is acting crazy here.
 
I wanted to reply before reading the rest of the thread, so I apologize if I'm repeating others' advice.

I'd be extremely hurt if my MIL couldn't make time for the wedding (her son's!) but could go to Italy instead. I just don't see any excuse for that. If there's a legitimate one, fine, but what would be *so* pressing that it would make her miss the most important day in her kid's life?What has your FI said? Has he (or his dad) tried to talk to her? I'm sorry, but that makes me mad for you.

As for how you went about including your FSMIL, it sounds like you did it just to spite your FMIL. That doesn't seem like the best way to handle it, but you know that. If you truly want to include your FI's step-mom because of the person she is and what she means to you and your FI, that's great, and that's how it *should* be. I don't mean at all to sound preachy, but it's my honest opinion.
 
Zoe, I completely agree with you. I was upset about my behaviour after the fact. FI does really want to include his stepmom, he just didn't think of it at first because of the relationship between his dad's family and his mom. As soon as I mentioned it, he smiled and said he really wanted to ask her. He's planning on asking her while we're over for dinner this weekend.

FI is very non-confrontational so I don't think he wants to talk to his mom about it. Asking his dad to intervene would be horrible given how his mom feels about him. Seriously...I wore a new sweater the last time I saw her and she told me it was an ugly colour. I looked pretty shocked (because who says that?!) and FI told me that it was his dad's favorite colour. Its just such a deep resentment. She refuses to drink 1% milk because that's the type his dad drinks...

I went out with some girlfriends tonight and the conclusion is that I'm lucky she's not coming because it would just cause drama at the wedding. I feel horrible for FI, but I think we'll make a point of visiting her in December and bring the wedding pictures/video. Hopefully they can have their moment without any issues.
 
My question - Are you completely sure MIL's trip to Italy it booked and paid for? I might even double check.

Because if I was being vindictive and heard that that "hussy" (your perfectly nice step MIL) was given actual duties for the wedding and everyone was happy, I might cancel my plans to Italy and make you take those duties from that "hussy". Something to think about.
 
Iota - that is the mother's problem. She made the choice of making a trip to Italy more important than her son.
 
dragonfly411|1288641086| said:
Iota - that is the mother's problem. She made the choice of making a trip to Italy more important than her son.
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I agree, I'm totally over it. Its her problem and she can deal with it. I don't know her very well, but I get the impression from FI's sister that this is really to be expected from her. FI seems to think his mom can do no wrong, but there are several childhood stories that make me raise an eyebrow.

I hear she used to refuse to make his father dinner, and to get around it (since she would be making food for the kids anyway) she got frozen food that the kids could prepare for themselves. Keep in mind they were 6 and 7 at this point and living off of pizza pockets. I know I shouldn't judge without knowing all of the details of the situation, but its hard to consider that a reasonable way to act.

ETA: I know FI's dad isn't a saint and I realize it takes two in these types of situations. I just don't like how FI and his sister appear to have been pushed aside during the drama.
 
chemgirl|1288317440| said:
Zoe, I completely agree with you. I was upset about my behaviour after the fact. FI does really want to include his stepmom, he just didn't think of it at first because of the relationship between his dad's family and his mom. As soon as I mentioned it, he smiled and said he really wanted to ask her. He's planning on asking her while we're over for dinner this weekend.

FI is very non-confrontational so I don't think he wants to talk to his mom about it. Asking his dad to intervene would be horrible given how his mom feels about him. Seriously...I wore a new sweater the last time I saw her and she told me it was an ugly colour. I looked pretty shocked (because who says that?!) and FI told me that it was his dad's favorite colour. Its just such a deep resentment. She refuses to drink 1% milk because that's the type his dad drinks...

I went out with some girlfriends tonight and the conclusion is that I'm lucky she's not coming because it would just cause drama at the wedding. I feel horrible for FI, but I think we'll make a point of visiting her in December and bring the wedding pictures/video. Hopefully they can have their moment without any issues.
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Based on just that alone, I would definitely consider it lucky that she chose not to come. I can imagine serious, serious drama ensuing from your FI's mom and dad being in the same room. And considering the mother isn't coming to her own son's wedding - well she doesn't strike me as the type to put everything aside and take the high road for this very special day. Let her not come - she's an adult, even if she is acting childishly.

Btw, I don't think you're being childish at all!
 
I think your FMIL is childish and your FI is protecting her. There are no execuses - she is just being spitful but actually selfish.
 
How childish...and how fortunate you are that you won't have to deal with her on, or up to, the day! A definite blessing!
 
Congratulations on avoiding having a bag of crazy trying to sabotage your wedding to get back at your FFIL! You dodged a bullet.
 
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