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Funeral Etiquette

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Luvallgems

Luvallgems

Brilliant_Rock
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Jul 9, 2013
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This has bothered me for 6 weeks....a co-worker of my DH passed away suddenly (aneurysm). In the South
we have a viewing of the deceased the afternoon/evening before the Funeral Service the following day.
Please tell me what I saw was disrespectful and appalling- some attendees were taking photos and videos of the deceased,
long closeup videos. What do they do, go back to someone’s apt. and review “death” pictures?

I told my DH in the car, “Made up my mind, Creamation”......what have we become with our iPhones?
What do you think? Cross the line? Or ok?
 
That is... odd...

Apparently no-one can do anything nowadays without recording it - it's like one has to be able to prove everything with video evidence for some reason! Gone are the days where one was as good as one's word.
 
OoohShiny said:
That is... odd...

Apparently no-one can do anything nowadays without recording it - it's like one has to be able to prove everything with video evidence for some reason! Gone are the days where one was as good as one's word.
Click to expand...
Sooo sad and disturbing.!
 
My mother and three of her sisters sent flowers out of state to their aunt's funeral. None of them attended the funeral. The family sent them a video of the funeral in the mail. Maybe the people you saw videoing were sending it to people that were unable to attend?
 
This is so distasteful.

Ugh... at my sister-in-law’s dad’s funeral, someone snap-chatted his coffin. They drew an arrow pointing at it and shared it on the sister-in-law’s mother’s Facebook page :doh: This lady was in her 60’s.

Edit: it’s still on the page after 3 1/2 years. :|
 
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Luvallgems said:
This has bothered me for 6 weeks....a co-worker of my DH passed away suddenly (aneurysm). In the South
we have a viewing of the deceased the afternoon/evening before the Funeral Service the following day.
Please tell me what I saw was disrespectful and appalling- some attendees were taking photos and videos of the deceased,
long closeup videos. What do they do, go back to someone’s apt. and review “death” pictures?

I told my DH in the car, “Made up my mind, Creamation”......what have we become with our iPhones?
What do you think? Cross the line? Or ok?
Click to expand...
I wouldn't even visit my dad at the funeral home.
my father in law had the lid open just before the service started fior those who wished to look
i had never come across that except on tv but my father in law is Irish - maybe they do that
but taking photos sounds awful and yes disrespectful
i read the Victorians took photos because often people were poorer and didn't have any photos to remember the loved one.

doesn't the funneral director make a dvd thing for the family these days - alrhough i have never watched mum's funneral
once was enough

oh yes you are definatly right
its just yucky and disrespectful
im sure someone in the family would be happy to find a nice photo to give who ever if they wanted to remember the person by

have you noticed the way people dress at funnerals these days ? not good at all
 
We're in the South too, open caskets are the norm here (though I'm not fond of it, and hope I'm never on display like that). But I was also appalled at my husband's grandmother's funeral a couple years ago, several people took open casket photos and later posted them on Facebook. Many of these same people raced to grandma's house after the funeral, and my MIL had a fit (rightly so) when she found them at her mother's house, going through closets and drawers, taking what they wanted. Even digging up plants in the yard! So tacky people are usually tacky through and through, to the core. Uck.
 
Once upon a time, we would cringe if a tabloid posted funeral photos of a celebrity...

Had I seen someone taking pics, let's just say that I would, ahem, TNR that person.
 
Apparently, some people have always been morbid ... I can’t believe anyone would post pictures of someone in a casket on Facebook ...but then I saw this article, and it actually seems like we’ve improved!

Warning: The photos might be disturbing to some sensitive people

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-36389581
 
Definitely in poor taste. We had a death in the family a few months ago and DH went to the funeral but I stayed home with the kids. He was talking about how beautiful the casket was and that it had these ornate scenes and details. I told him it was too bad he couldn't have gotten a discreet picture of the casket but we both agreed that would be so bizarre to take a picture like that.
 
I find doing it publicly, as you reported, in front of everyone and as some kind of modern phenomenon, crude. I have to share, however, that my mother's family took photos privately of their most intimate members in their caskets. I am referring to her father's siblings taking photos of their mother and other siblings. My parents found this morbid. It was, as I said, completely private, however. My mother grew up with wakes and kneeling in front of open caskets and kissing people in their caskets. So the photo taking only seemed a little more "strange", if you will, than that. I must say that my great aunt (who once asked me to take a photo) was very clear that no one else should see this being done, though. And, yes, I believe the family did want to see photos of the deceased person in his coffin. I believe it gave them comfort, although that is not how I would wish to remember someone.
 
CHRISTY-DANIELLE said:
We're in the South too, open caskets are the norm here (though I'm not fond of it, and hope I'm never on display like that). But I was also appalled at my husband's grandmother's funeral a couple years ago, several people took open casket photos and later posted them on Facebook. Many of these same people raced to grandma's house after the funeral, and my MIL had a fit (rightly so) when she found them at her mother's house, going through closets and drawers, taking what they wanted. Even digging up plants in the yard! So tacky people are usually tacky through and through, to the core. Uck.
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thats awful
i feel so bad for your MIL and for Grandma
and as for digging up plants in the garden
im sure at a more appreate time they could have asked for a couple of slips to grow a cutting - i guess steeling requires less effort
 
Daisys and Diamonds said:
have you noticed the way people dress at funnerals these days ? not good at all
Click to expand...
I think funeral dress is an interesting discussion, and I think people's approach to funeral dress is changing.

We specified bright clothing because we wanted to celebrate and show the beauty of the world, rather than everyone dressing in sombre dark clothing, but every situation is different.

I think there is a line, though, in that one should dress to the best of their ability/budget/wardrobe - jeans would seem to suggest minimal effort has been made! (We even had to specify No Jeans on our wedding invites because we couldn't guarantee some people wouldn't wear them otherwise... lol)
 
OoohShiny said:
I think funeral dress is an interesting discussion, and I think people's approach to funeral dress is changing.

We specified bright clothing because we wanted to celebrate and show the beauty of the world, rather than everyone dressing in sombre dark clothing, but every situation is different.

I think there is a line, though, in that one should dress to the best of their ability/budget/wardrobe - jeans would seem to suggest minimal effort has been made! (We even had to specify No Jeans on our wedding invites because we couldn't guarantee some people wouldn't wear them otherwise... lol)
Click to expand...
i refused to wear black for dad's funeral
but nowdays i see jandels (flip flops) and the ripped jean look
oh and the skank look - like a cheap hooker
 
I take the opinion that this is distasteful and a bit tacky. That is my personal view and colored by my background. We do not do this at funerals. And I do not think taking videos and photographs are appropriate at the funeral.

However I guess it depends on one's culture if one finds it distasteful so if the family of the deceased are the ones doing it or approving it then who am I to say it is not OK. I wouldn't do it and my family wouldn't be OK with that but if it is someone else's family that is up to them.

As with everything one's mileage may vary and it is a personal decision/choice. As with most things there is no one rule for all but rather what works for you and the family.

As for color choice if it were specified to wear a bright color than I would respect the family's wishes. If no such specification exists I would wear darker colors to a funeral. I do not feel strongly either way and would do whatever the family wishes.
 
Unless I am told that the funeral is to be a celebratory one, I tend to wear dark clothing. (I am very glad to wear white to a celebratory mass.) When I go to one at my mother's church I wear black and make sure I have a hat with me. My default is a black dress and black, attractive shoes. I feel it is better to err on the side of too traditional than too sloppy, but I am 68. :))
 
Who knew you would need a "No photos/videos, please." sign at a funeral??? I find it disrespectful. Most funerals I've been to (hasnt been a lot) have
programs that usually have a picture of the person on it. Isn't that good enough?

I have no problems if the close family would like to take a picture but I think it needs to be done in private and should not be posted on any social
media. This is how I feel things should go for my family, however, I know others may choose to do it differently. I cant imagine seeing a picture
of my mom or dad in their casket pop up on social media.:angryfire: That would be so disrespectful and I know it's not what they would want.

I plan on being cremated. Take all the pictures of the urn you want:lol:!
 
kmoro said:
Apparently, some people have always been morbid ... I can’t believe anyone would post pictures of someone in a casket on Facebook ...but then I saw this article, and it actually seems like we’ve improved!

Warning: The photos might be disturbing to some sensitive people

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-36389581
Click to expand...
I kind of understand this era of pictures because often families did not have enough money for photos of any kind so they wanted to have at least one when it became more affordable.

But today with all the photos of everything we do, just no to pics at a funeral. And videos? What the heck are you going to capture in a video? :eek2:
 
Local funeral homes have signs up no video, no photos here.
However I know people who took private photos during the family only visitation.
But our church videos the memorial service and gives the family a dvd of the service if they say ok to it.
Many people have said they found comfort in watching it later, some never watch it and a few have said no when asked if they wanted video taken.
In a few cases it was uploaded to the net password protected for family members who could not travel.
.
So yea random people taking pictures in my opinion is not right but having a video of the service does help some people and it can help people who cant be there I think.
 
Videos of the service are fine and may be appreciated by the family. Videos standing at the casket are not IMO.
 
tyty333 said:
Who knew you would need a "No photos/videos, please." sign at a funeral??? I find it disrespectful. Most funerals I've been to (hasnt been a lot) have
programs that usually have a picture of the person on it. Isn't that good enough?

I have no problems if the close family would like to take a picture but I think it needs to be done in private and should not be posted on any social
media. This is how I feel things should go for my family, however, I know others may choose to do it differently. I cant imagine seeing a picture
of my mom or dad in their casket pop up on social media.:angryfire: That would be so disrespectful and I know it's not what they would want.

I plan on being cremated. Take all the pictures of the urn you want:lol:!
Click to expand...
Perfect, Urn photos only! I don’t know what some people are/were thinking.
We were not the only shocked people at the viewing, I’m sure of that.
I believe it is a generation lapse in correct protocol.
 
Generally speaking, I’d agree that taking photos/videos at a funeral is a bit off. Posting to social media would be completely beyond.

My uncle passed away late last year. My grandma was unable to travel to his memorial service, so I held a phone the entire time so she could watch via video messaging. My cousin’s husband also took video of the service to send to my grandma afterwards. In this case, we were direct family of the deceased. Now I’m wondering if some of the other guests thought anything of it. But to be honest, I’d rather do anything that would give my grandma comfort during her eldest son’s memorial service than worry about other people’s opinions.

My mom also took pictures of her MIL, in her casket privately during the family viewing time. I was in middle school and remember thinking it was bizarre. Nothing was ever done with the pictures other than storing them after printing and I don’t think anyone saw her take the pictures. When I asked why in the world she took them, her reason was simply that Grandma looked beautiful and peaceful.

Grief is such a complicated process. I try to suspend any judgment when it comes to the bereaved. However, I feel the wishes of the closest family supersedes acquaintances and other guests.
 
jbake said:
Generally speaking, I’d agree that taking photos/videos at a funeral is a bit off. Posting to social media would be completely beyond.

My uncle passed away late last year. My grandma was unable to travel to his memorial service, so I held a phone the entire time so she could watch via video messaging. My cousin’s husband also took video of the service to send to my grandma afterwards. In this case, we were direct family of the deceased. Now I’m wondering if some of the other guests thought anything of it. But to be honest, I’d rather do anything that would give my grandma comfort during her eldest son’s memorial service than worry about other people’s opinions.

My mom also took pictures of her MIL, in her casket privately during the family viewing time. I was in middle school and remember thinking it was bizarre. Nothing was ever done with the pictures other than storing them after printing and I don’t think anyone saw her take the pictures. When I asked why in the world she took them, her reason was simply that Grandma looked beautiful and peaceful.

Grief is such a complicated process. I try to suspend any judgment when it comes to the bereaved. However, I feel the wishes of the closest family supersedes acquaintances and other guests.
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I agree, if the family wanted a “momento photo” for their private viewing,
there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The “viewing” room at the
Funeral Home had 35-40 people in attendance...meanwhile a few
were leaning over the casket with their iPhones in hand, hovering over the
deceased persons head, filming for up to one minute! So not ok to me.
 
Luvallgems said:
I agree, if the family wanted a “momento photo” for their private viewing,
there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The “viewing” room at the
Funeral Home had 35-40 people in attendance...meanwhile a few
were leaning over the casket with their iPhones in hand, hovering over the
deceased persons head, filming for up to one minute! So not ok to me.
Click to expand...

That does sound so gross and disrespectful. I can’t imagine how awful it would feel to see someone treating one of my loved ones that way.
 
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jbake said:
That does sound so gross and disrespectful. I can’t imag how awful it would feel to see someone treating one of my loved ones that way.
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It was one of those “surreal “ moments, when you ask yourself if you
really did see what just happened.
 
That sounds awful to me but in some cultures it is normal to take a last photo of or with the deceased.
 
bludiva said:
That sounds awful to me but in some cultures it is normal to take a last photo of or with the deceased.
Click to expand...
If it is proper for your particular Culture, that’s fine.
 
AGBF said:
My default is a black dress and black, attractive shoes. I feel it is better to err on the side of too traditional than too sloppy. :))
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This!

And no, no pictures. Unless taken by the immediate family because it's their wish or culturally requested.

Personally I'd be appalled if anyone had taken any pics at my family members' funerals.
 
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To me it’s just wrong. Fortunately, I’ve only been to a few funerals, and there were no viewings and certainly no open caskets.

I’d rather remember someone how they were, rather than seeing them dead, and I wouldn’t want a photo of them laying in a coffin.

My DH has already said, that there’s no way he wants to view my dead body, doesn’t want me viewing him, or have an open coffin.
 
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