funeral etiquette?

[dragonfly411]

What is the normal etiquette here? My very good friend passed away Sunday. We found out Monday night. I haven''t seen said friend in over three years, but that includes most of us, as he had been traveling cross country pursuing his passion, rock climbing. He fell from a cliff in Yosemite sometime Sunday. Today our mutual friend who has been helping his family to clean and plan along with her DH let me know that "the funeral will be either Tuesday or Wednesday night" and we could do an Early dinner one night depending on when it would be.

What is the normal etiquette for invites for funerals? I know that much of the inviting will be word of mouth, as his parents weren''t familiar enough with many of us to know addresses, phone numbers etc. I''m assuming that many of us who haven''t seen him in a long time but who were very close to him during high school/early college would be invited. My question is, do I take something like the above as an invite/informant of when, or do I wait further to inquire? I don''t want to invite myself for certain, and if they are only doing family then I at least want to send flowers, but I''m thinking the group of us would all be invited by said friend and her husband.

For background, I met friend and husband through my ex whom none of us speak with anymore. They introduced me to my friend that passed. We had a group between the four of us, another friend, original friend''s brother, friend that died, and several folks who did acting, local volunteer acting together. We all spent a lot of time together, had parties, movie nights, spent most of the week at each others'' apartments, went on camping trips together, went to theme parks together and beach trips. The group has drifted over time, with me having to remove myself from everyone I knew to be able to recover fully from the things my abusive ex SO did, friend who passed leaving, friend and husband having children, and others moving to different places, but we were all very close, and considered each other extensions of each other''s family.

sigh.. I just wonder what the normal procedure would be in this case?

 

[upgrade]

As far as I know, unless you are specifically told that the funeral is family/invite only, it''s generally open to everyone who wishes to pay their respects regardless of how they knew the deceased.

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/18/2009 6:07:55 PM
Author: upgrade
As far as I know, unless you are specifically told that the funeral is family/invite only, it''s generally open to everyone who wishes to pay their respects regardless of how they knew the deceased.

This is my understanding as well. If they publish a funeral announcement in a local paper, then you can know for sure that everyone is welcome and they aren''t keeping it to just family.

My grandmother died last month, and an old friend of my mother''s came to the funeral after seeing the announcement. They hadn''t seen each other in over twenty years, but she came to pay her respects to my grandmother and our family. It was so touching that she came.

I imagine that the funeral will be open to everyone, especially since this is a young person who passed away. Typically, funerals for young people are very large, you will probably see a lot of people from your friends high school and college years there, as well.

I''m so sorry for your loss.

 

[musincy]

First, I am so sorry for your loss.

As far as I understand, funerals are generally open to everyone.

 

[Maisie]

I''m very sorry for your loss.

 

[KatyWI]

I am so sorry for your loss.

To echo what others have said, if someone informed you of when the funeral generally would be, you are probably invited. I''d watch for the announcement, and unless it''s family only, you are more than welcome to attend.

It''s so nice to see kind and familiar faces when you''re facing a loss, and I''m sure you will be welcome if the funeral is public.

 

[sparklyheart]

I am so sorry for your loss. In my experience, funerals are generally open to everyone. The family generally enjoys seeing all of their loved one's friends that, even though they may not know them, care enough about them to pay their last respects. Especially since he has been travelling for 3 years, I'm sure his family would be honored to have people around who can share stories and memories of him at this time.

ETA: Why not ask your mutual friend if he/she knows more information? If that friend is helping the family right now they would surely know if it is family-only or not.

 

[soocool]

I have been to a number of funerals and unless specifically noted, such as, private viewing or burial, the funeral is open to everyone to pay their respects. It is very comforting for the family to know their loved ones had many caring friends and at one of my friend's funeral we brought old photos and some other memorabilia to give to the families.

 

[swingirl]

Funerals are not by invitation, they are for all who knew the deceased. Even the immediate family doesn't know everyone the deceased knew. It's customary to send a sympathy card to the family, sign-in if there is a guest book, and some people give money to the family or make a donation in the person's honor. And of course your can send flowers but many families prefer the donations because flowers have gotten so expensive and they often throw them away the next day. But the money part isn't required and might be culture-based.

Sorry for the loss of your friend. That was a tragic accident. Isn't he a 40 year old married man from San Ramon, California? I heard about his death on the news. How sad for his wife and son.

 

[dragonfly411]

Thank you all for your responses and sorry for the late response, it''s been a whirlwind in my area today, lots to get done. Thank you also for the well wishes, it''s been extremely shocking.

From what I gather, the funeral is next week, I''m going to hopefully attend with a friend of mine. I have been to funerals before but they were always family members, or SO''s family members so we knew we could go. I''ve never had a friend die before now. So thank you all for the information

 

[somethingshiny]

Dragonfly~ I''m sorry about your loss. I heard about this accident earlier today. (at least I think it''s the same accident.) A friend of mine''s daughter and her companions were hiking the half dome and one of them fell in the same spot about a week earlier. She landed on an 18" wide ledge some 200 feet down. She was rescued and is in stable but critical condition now. That family is praying for your friend''s family now too. What a tragedy.

DItto on the etiquette. If it''s announced, everyone is welcome. If it''s listed as "private," you need an invitation.

 

[mayachel]

I''m so sorry for your loss.

 

[mysterylover]

Unless your friend was a famous person who would attract a massive crowd, the funeral should be open to anyone who wants to attend. At least that''s how we do things in my neck of the woods. I''m sure his family would appreciate any of their son''s friends who want to be there; it let''s them know how many people loved him. And that is usually of great comfort to the family.

I''m sorry for your loss.

 

[purrfectpear]

Funerals are a case where more is better. No one wants to have a funeral with only 10 people. The family will appreciate a big turn out even if they have no idea who the people are.