Full disclosure....with your children...

[yennyfire]

Both DH and I were married once before we found each other. Both very young and to the totally wrong person. Neither marriage lasted more than a year. Fast forward and we've been married for 10 years and have two great kids, ages 6 and 7. We've talked numerous times about when/if/how to tell them that we were married before. We don't want it to become some great big secret, but how do you figure out at what age they will be able to undestand this at all? I don't want them to feel that we lied/withheld anything, but at the same time, I don't even know how to start a convo like this.

Thoughts, oh wise PSers??? TIA!

 

[sonnyjane]

If it were me, I would probably bring this up when my kids starting dating. "Oh so you like Tommy? Is he a good guy? You know, before your dad, I was actually married to someone else and it didn't work out. I'm really glad I met your dad because we get along so well. I hope that you meet someone that makes you as happy as your dad makes me".

I'd imagine that's in the 12-15 range maybe?

ETA: And obviously if your kids come to you sooner with some type of question about marriage prior to that, you can discuss it then. I don't think that not discussing it with them at their current young ages is keeping it from them. I think it's perfectly fine to be waiting until they are old enough to understand exactly what it all means.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I told my son I was married before when he asked my why I wasn't catholic and I told him about my ire with the church about having to get an anullment because my first husband was catholic even tho I wasn't. My husband is VERY catholic and wanted to get married in the church and I had to pay a bribe, I mean get an anullment, to do so. He was about 10 at the time. I worked at his school and we always went to mass on Fridays and he noticed that I never went up and took communion.

It wasn't a big deal to him but he was curious to know if he had any brothers or sisters!

 

[DNB]

I wouldn't wait til they were 15, but I also wouldn't tell them at the ages they are now. I have a friend who was married for a couple of years before she met her DH. She was divorced two years before she remarried. She was pregnant when she married her DH and her kids had already figured that out. When she told her oldest daughter at about age 13, her first question was "does that mean daddy isn't my real daddy"? He was of course and the funny thing is she looks more like her father than her two younger sisters do. You have to be very careful how and when you tell them. Her daughter is now 27 and a mom herself so this was a few years ago. Kids think up the strangest things sometimes. Logic really doesn't play into it.

 

[Enerchi]

I'd wait for a 'teachable moment'. I wouldn't offer up the info because to a kid, you are their parent and are (don't laugh!!!) "perfect" in their eyes (until they are teens, then there is no hope for you, so strike that last comment!! haha!) so there is no point bringing up something that isn't applicable to their view of the world.

I agree - wait till a dating situation comes up , or a playmates parental situation comes up... wait for them to initiate a question because then it will have relevance to them and they will pay attention thru the explanation.

I don't think they will believe you lied or withheld anything, if you tell the truth. Simple explanation first, then details as they can handle it.

 

[distracts]

Uh, I don't know, my uncle was married before (a similar situation - just for about a year) and my cousin has pretty much always known because my grandparents had a picture from a family vacation that included the first wife up at their house.

I wouldn't wait until they were 12. They'll feel like you lied to them. If they ever have any questions about friends who have divorced parents and why their parents got divorced or something, maybe bring it up and explain it then.

 

[JulieN]

Similar situation became a secret in my family when the parents didn't tell their kids, who are adults now. What's the big deal?

 

[ponder]

When I was in high school my best friend found out that her mom had been married when she was in high school. It blew her mind for all of a day or so and then it was no big deal. I think it came up in conversation as a teachable moment as others have described. I don't think she felt lied to or misled; maybe because her dad had also been married before and she had MUCH older step siblings.

 

[Circe]

My mom told me about her first marriage when I was ... 9? Maybe 10? It didn't make me think any less of her: if anything, it made me feel a little empathy for her right when I was entering a bratty phase, because she wasn't Mom The Great and Terrible, but ... human. I don't see a down side to the honesty.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

The main reason I might not tell them this young is because if they ever hear you and your husband argue, they might worry that you might get a divorce again. So I would wait until they are older and the topics of divorce or young marriages come up.

 

[madelise]

HS? College age? Unless you think someone else might get to them with the news first..

 

[Dreamer_D]

If they asked me I would tell them whatever age they were. If they were making negative comments about divorce or a friend's parents or basically showing they had negative attitudes about divorce that I wanted to correct (a teachable moment I guess) I would likely tell them at any point it came up. And if it had not come up by the time they were in their early teens I would tell them. Its not shameful, in my humble opinion, but also not really... relevant? Pressing? Important?

I lived with a man before my husband, I doubt I will tell my kids about it unless they ask some day, or I think sharing it will teach them something important.

 

[Echidna]

My best friend in high school found out her mum had been married before when she started pressing to know what kind of guys her mum dated. That was a nice teachable moment at an appropriate age, although she had to bug a bit first, which suggested some level of apprehension. Her mind was blown for all of a day too, then everyone moved on!

I'm sure the right moment will present itself.

 

[swingirl]

If it were me, I'd tell them sooner than later. It won't become an issue if it's presented like ordinary information. My cousin had a very early and short marriage that she never mentioned to her kids until they were teenagers. They felt lied to because all this time they believed their parents' marriage to each other was their first marriage. Who asks their parents if they were married before? You just assume if they were you would know about it. And what happens if some relative slips and your kids find out that way?

With so many people divorced, they will become aware of what it means as soon as they start school. And they will accept it as no-big-deal.

 

[yennyfire]

Similar situation became a secret in my family when the parents didn't tell their kids, who are adults now. What's the big deal?

It isn't a big deal (at least I don't want it to be). It's more about how to bring it up.

I agree with ppl that to tell them out of the blue is kind of odd, especially since it's not on their radar.

Enerchi, "perfect"...now that's a good one. I agree with you that finding a teachable moment is a great way to broach the subject. None of our friends are divorced, so I'm not even sure my kids know what it means. But kids do have a way of taking information that they were given and imagining other scenarios.

Dreamer, I agree with you that it's not shameful (though it's not something I'm proud of either)....people make mistakes and I made a doozy. IMHO, I did the smart thing to get out of a terrible relationship rather than stay in a miserable marriage because divorce wasn't something anyone in my family had ever done before.

Parenting is so hard sometimes!! I just don't want them to feel betrayed or insecure about our family, kwim?

 

[Enerchi]

I've made HUGE parenting mistakes in the past... HUGE!!...(teenage issues started in 2005, crisis peaked in 2008, then I worked REALLY REALLY hard at making changes in myself to cope with the fallout of that situation + the family as a unit made a dramatic shift in our collective lives) but overall, kids are pretty flexible and if you are honest, can show you are vulnerable and human, and truly make amends, time helps to turn any situation around. Your kids won't judge you anywhere NEAR as much as you are stressing about right now!

You didn't murder anyone, you didn't maim small animals or children... you had a life prior to your children and where/who you were then, is not where/who you are now. Even the bad crap in our lives become good things (eventually), because they make us who we are and help us to grow and learn from those mistakes.

You and your DH will do the right thing at the appropriate time, when your kids are ready for the info. There is no manual or parenting handbook, unfortunately, so its all pretty much flying by the seat of your pants and doing what you think is the best for all involved. I have the utmost faith in you! You are a loving, caring mom with an incredible responsible and logical head on your shoulders!!

 

[yennyfire]

Thanks Enerchi! You are a wise woman! Thanks for making me feel better! It's been on my mind for a while and I just wasn't sure how to handle this.

 

[DNB]

HS? College age? Unless you think someone else might get to them with the news first..

That's the only reason my friend told her daughter when she was 13. My friend and her DH had pretty much decided to keep it a secret because it had no impact on them and the marriage was while both were stationed out of the country with the Navy. They spent no time with their families during that time so not much chance of pictures or talk. But, then, my friend's sister decided it was her place to tell her niece. That wasn't a good move on her part and definitely not her place, but after that they had to tell all three of their girls, when they really hadn't planned to. It caused no problems other than her daughter's initial question and my friend and her DH have always fought a lot. What their girls have seen is the commitment their parents have to each other, even if it's not perfect.

 

[Enerchi]

Happy to be that "wise old woman" for you, Yenny! I only got there by making too many mistakes! Now, talk to my kids and you'll get a whole new take on your revised perception of me!

 

[yennyfire]

Happy to be that "wise old woman" for you, Yenny! I only got there by making too many mistakes! Now, talk to my kids and you'll get a whole new take on your revised perception of me!

Hey now, I only said "wise woman"...there was no "old" attached!! Aren't you counting back down now??? That's the direction I'm heading in!!

 

[Autumnovember]

Yenny,

My mom had been previously married to another man when she was in her early 20's who she was very in love with. He sadly passed away from cancer which had a big impact on her life. Then she met my papa and had my sister and I. I did not know about her previous marriage until about 14-16. We have a lot of deep conversations and she mentioned it to me one day and told me the entire story. I think at the time, I was struggling badly with a very, very, very emotional breakup and she decided to bring it up then because she had a similar story that she was able to relate to me. I honestly was surprised for about 10 minutes and thats it. I understood that both my mom and dad had lives of their own before they met each other and the fact that she had a previous marriage did not change their present one.

Sometimes, we still talk about it. Meaning, she shares stories with me, happy memories, experiences, and advice about love and relationships.

I think you should bring it up to your kids when you think they are able to understand that it is OK that you were both previously married and understand that it does not change your family at the core. Is it possible that they will be a bit surprised? Sure, but when they understand that this was just ONE part of your lives before you met - I think the 'shock' wears off fairly quickly after that. Plus, like Enerchi said, you're their mama! They love you to pieces and you and your husband being married once before will never change the love that they've got for you guys.

 

[aviastar]

My mom was married young for a bit before she met my dad; no kids. I found out when I was 12-ish because I found an old t-shirt from when she graduated college that had students names on it and I went to find hers and, of course, it wasn't the maiden name that I knew. Like others have said, my first question was "Is Dad my dad?" Once that was settled in the affirmative, it consumed me for all of about 30 seconds and now it's kind of a standing joke in the family, actually. My parents were (and are) always so open about their commitment to each other that I never worried about the future of our family unit.

If you treat it like a secret, then it is a secret and, in my opinion, it becomes a BIG DEAL. I like the idea of a teachable moment.

 

[yennyfire]

Awww, thanks for sharing your story AN. It sounds like your mama raised a great kid!! I'm feeling so much better after reading everyone's comments! Thank you!!

 

[Snicklefritz]

I'm honestly not sure when/how to tell them, but do it before they found out the way I found out. My aunt accidentally spilled the beans, and mentioned my mom's previous husband when I was in my early teens It was actually a very tragic story so I don't blame my mom for not discussing it with my sister and I. But, when I found out my mom freaked and didn't explain/talk about it so I was left in the dark wondering. Then a similar thing happened with my sister - I didn't tell her because, well, what was I supposed to tell her when I didn't know myself? Even to this day it's not a very clear story for me, and I'm okay with it now, but it was a little jarring at the time.

 

[ponder]

A teachable moment I think is best, but don't wait too long, you don't want someone else telling them. Then they might feel lied to or misled. My mom accidentally told (not that it was a huge secret, just never talked about) my niece that her Aunt (on the other side of the family) had been married before. We were discussing some long lost relatives and my mom said something as innocent as "wow, I haven't seen them since aunt L's wedding." My niece 12 years old was shocked and looked at her dad (my brother) for confirmation. Hecalmly told her yes, it was true, and then it was no big deal. I think you just really want to make sure they hear it from you.

 

[woofmama]

I agree that waiting for the right moment is important and your kids are young so probably no need for a long time.
Think of it this way though as well, if you had a kid with your ex your children would just accept it. I was married for 7 yrs, got divorced and remarried. Had one son with my ex and a son with my current husband. My kids have zero problem accepting it and we are very close family.
I don't think either of them ever question how solid our family unit is.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yenny assuming that your present marriage is stable and your kids feel secure, then I don't think the news will make them worry about the stability of their parents' marriage. Especially if you wait until they seem to have the notion of relationships, divorce, and marriage on their radar. I also personally would not really share all the gory details about the reasons for divorce unless they are much older (as I am sure you would not either), just because its not really relevant to them.

As an only somewhat related aside, I thought I would share something that might resonate with you. I teach classes on close relationships at university, psychology based, and of course we talk a lot about divorce in the class. I find that students are really really engaged and interested in the topic for a whole host of reasons. Once of the things I always do in my communication about divorce is speak about it without any stigma. After all, about half of my students experienced divorce in their own families. But I am always really surprised at how -- prejudiced? maybe insesitive is the word -- I am always surprised at how insensitive some of the kids who have not experienced divorce can be about it. How judgemental they can be of people who get divorced. The reality of life is that divorce is a common and normative relationship experience. Its hard, and no one seeks it out, but its part of life that most people will be touched by, either personally or someone they love or care about. So when your kids are older and when they can understand, I think it wont harm them to learn that their parents were divorced from other people when they were young and silly It might teach them a little compassion and understanding of others who have had different family experiences to their own, and it also might allow them to make a tough relationship decision one day themselves, without shame and worry about judgement or stigma from their own family (heaven forbid knock wood, or course).

Anyways, somehow I feel like you will know the right time.

 

[meresal]

Both of my parents were married before, and they have never had a conversation with me about either of them. I have 4 half-siblings, 2 from each marriage, so I obviously knew, but just understood that it was just none of my business. Never bothered me that I don't know...

BUT, I have picked up bits and pieces about my mom's and I have so much respect for her, that she was able to leave the man she was with, while having two kids, and picking up 2 extra jobs on top of a full time day job... all to eat peanut butter sandwiches for multiple meals a day. (Never heard a thing from her though.)

 

[yennyfire]

Yenny assuming that your present marriage is stable and your kids feel secure, then I don't think the news will make them worry about the stability of their parents' marriage. Especially if you wait until they seem to have the notion of relationships, divorce, and marriage on their radar. I also personally would not really share all the gory details about the reasons for divorce unless they are much older (as I am sure you would not either), just because its not really relevant to them.

As an only somewhat related aside, I thought I would share something that might resonate with you. I teach classes on close relationships at university, psychology based, and of course we talk a lot about divorce in the class. I find that students are really really engaged and interested in the topic for a whole host of reasons. Once of the things I always do in my communication about divorce is speak about it without any stigma. After all, about half of my students experienced divorce in their own families. But I am always really surprised at how -- prejudiced? maybe insesitive is the word -- I am always surprised at how insensitive some of the kids who have not experienced divorce can be about it. How judgemental they can be of people who get divorced. The reality of life is that divorce is a common and normative relationship experience. Its hard, and no one seeks it out, but its part of life that most people will be touched by, either personally or someone they love or care about. So when your kids are older and when they can understand, I think it wont harm them to learn that their parents were divorced from other people when they were young and silly It might teach them a little compassion and understanding of others who have had different family experiences to their own, and it also might allow them to make a tough relationship decision one day themselves, without shame and worry about judgement or stigma from their own family (heaven forbid knock wood, or course).

Anyways, somehow I feel like you will know the right time.

Thanks Dreamer. You are right that there is some type of stigma attached to divorce, despite the fact that it is (sadly) quite common. I agree with you that perhaps sharing our experience with our kids (at the right age), will help them realize that Mom and Dad aren't perfect (as we always tell them!) and that we make mistakes and that it's OK....just recover and move on!

I'm glad that your students have you teaching a class that includes this topic and that you approach it in such a positive way (i.e. without shame/stigma).

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Very interesting thread! This is a subject that I had never really thought about and I had no idea that it could be so sensitive. I only know how it was handled in my family.

Both my mother and my father had a previous marriage. I don't remember them ever "formally" telling us. In both cases, the former spouses were mentioned in normal conversation. For example, while talking about his college days, my father would mention that he met his first wife during a game. I remember asking my mother if she and father had had a church wedding and that, when answering, she mentioned that my father couldn't get married in church again, as his first wedding had been religious, but she could, since hers had been civil ceremony only. I must have been 7 at the time and I wasn't surprised at this.

Neither my sister nor I ever felt insecure about their marriage or had any problems with the idea that they had been married before. I think the fact that they handled it so well and so casually is an important part in this.