FSIL as a bridesmaid?

[robbie3982]

So, tonight at FI''s dad''s bday party, FMIL asked us if we were planning on having FSIL (the 20 year old) in the wedding.

FI is one of 5 kids and we''d sort of decided that if we asked one we''d have to ask them all and their spouses (the older 3 are 35-41) since FI pretty much grew up with their spouses as siblings. So, we weren''t planning on asking his younger sister to be in the wedding, but I''m wondering if maybe FSIL said something to her mother about being upset about not being included.

FI''s mom has been very good about not trying to push her ideas on us, so I don''t think she would''ve said something unless something was going on.

So, I have no problem with FSIL being a bridesmaid, but we''re not exactly close so I''m not sure how to ask her. I definitely don''t want her to feel left out, but I don''t want it to seem like I''m only asking her as an after though either (I asked my other BMs in August).

Any advice?

 

[sumbride]

A 20 year old is going to take "being leftout" much more personally than a 35-40 year old, so if you have the space and ability, you should probably include her. I don''t think you need to do more than call her up to ask her as she probably won''t compare notes with the others, but you may want to let them know not to talk about "when" they knew too much so she doesn''t feel like an afterthought.

 

[dani13]

If you were planning on asking your FI's siblings to be in the wedding party, you should ask all of them...she shouldn't be left out. Etiquette says ( I am pretty sure) that siblings of both the bride and the groom should be included in the wedding party...i.e., my fi is having my brother as one of his gm, and if my fi had sisters (he doesnt) I would include them in my b-party...

Oh, sorry, I just re-read your post and saw that you asked the others already...well, in that case, why dont you get her a card or something or take her out to lunch and just ask her?

 

[labbielove]

robbie,
sorry that you got put in that awkward position,
i can only give my opinion, but if i were you i would leave things as they are.
asking someone to be an attendant out of a sense of obligation or guilt isn't doing yourself any favor in the long run. changing a decision you and fi made together just to avoid someone having hurt feelings isn't the way to go.
if she is feeling left out, maybe you could speak to her directly and explain the thought that went into your decision.
you say yourself you're not exactly close- and think about it- on your wedding day and before, don't you want those closest to you there for you? also it could put future stress into making sure she is included in all the traditional bm activities- showers, bachelorette, etc.
there are other ways she could be involved, if that is really what you want. but i don't see any obligation here.

but that's just me-

eta: sorry i may have misread post- if you have already included the other sibs, then you probably should include her, i read it that you hadn't asked any of them because if you asked one you would have to ask all. i am having my 3 sisters, that's it. no friends (that was tough) and no fi's sisters but we are going to ask them to do a reading or something else.

 

[larussel03]

I'm in the same position, but I decided to ask FSIL to be in the wedding party, esp since I really wanted my brother on my FI's side (which wasn't hard since they are friends as well), and FBIL is also in the party. I'm not close with her, even though she's my age (FI's twin, actually) but she really appreciated being asked, and FMIL really appreciated it as well...hasnt brought us closer or anything, but that's more b/c we really don't have alot in common...at all. But that's fine, at least we get along when we're together and it's not wierd.

ETA: to clairify, FI didn't even care if he included his sis or bro, even when my bro was one of his GMs, but since I wanted my bro in the party, I told him we should have his sis and bro...he was like "really??" and I was like "uh, yuh" and he said OK.

He doesnt really follow family drama/politics (his family is very not dramatic at all) but I thought that it should be fair. Not that you have to do the same by any means, but I just wasn't comfortable having only my family and not any of his represented in the bridal party.

 

[RoseAngel04]

Hmm...I think maybe the relationship that your FI has with this sister should be a factor in this decision. Is he very or pretty close to this sister? If he is, I''d imagine it would be important for her to be apart of the wedding?!

I''m giving this advice from previous experience in this area. I have a brother 6 years older than I. When we were younger and he was still living at home (until he went away to college) we were very very close and I just adored him...he was my *Bubba.* He got married the summer he graduated college and I was a bridesmaid in the wedding. I was at the time 16 almost 17. When they got engaged I was HOPING to be a bridesmaid, but never mentioned anything about it...that''s just my personality. SIL has a sister a year older than I and she was her MOH, so I think that may have hurt my feelings if I was the only *sibling* not in the wedding...(my younger sister was one of the flower girls.)

So if none of his other siblings are part of the wedding party then I don''t think you need to feel obligated to include her...but if she''s the ONLY one who isn''t than she will most likely take that badly.

Good luck!

 

[tanyak]

I should preface this by saying IMO, I don''t think siblings automatically have to be in weddings unless you''re very close to them and really want them included in the wedding parry. If you want her in the wedding, go ahead and ask. I''m sure she''ll be thrilled. And honestly, I don''t think the older siblings and their spouses are going to care much either way. Maybe I''m generalizing, but I doubt people between the ages of 35 and 41, particularly the guys

, are going to be bent out of shape about not being in the wedding party.

 

[MelissaSue]

my fsil was my bridesmaid. She is also 20. I would not have had it any other way. but its not a must. Its only my husband and his sister and they are close.. but if he has 5 siblings or whatever. thats different. Also.. you definitley don''t have to have spouses of siblings. My sisters husband was not in the wedding, but he did end up being our special wedding helper..(Got all the flowers from the church to the reception, and all those otehr little chores..)

 

[robbie3982]

Thanks for the advice everyone! I think my post was a little confusing. We haven''t asked any of his siblings to be in the wedding. I have one sister and she''s one of my Maids of Honor. I don''t not want FSIL in the wedding, but it''s not like I really want her there either. I guess I''m kind of indifferent. I mean whether she''s in the wedding or not she''ll be at the bridal shower, bachelorette party and rehearsal dinner. FI is actually the one who didn''t want to ask his siblings originally. He says he''s not really close with any of them, but he''s actually closer to them than I am to my sister.

The reason I thought we should include his BILs and SIL originally is because he was so young when his older siblings got married he''s known them all as siblings almost as long as he''s known his actual siblings.

If FSIL is upset, then I definitely want to include her. My side will then be 1 person larger than FI''s, but I don''t think that''s as big a deal in the long run as causing FSIL to be mad at me.

I''ll see her next weekend at one of my future nephew''s birthday parties. I guess I''ll have to decide what I''m doing by then.

 

[anchor31]

My twin sister will be my MOH, but my older brother will not be a GM (FI''s best friend will be), so I asked him to be the usher. My FI''s older brother will be his Best Man, but his younger sister will not be a BM (my best friend will be). My FI and I only wanted two attendants each and decided that he would ask the people he is close to as his attendants and I would do the same. However, I''ve been thinking about asking my FSIL to do a reading.

 

[ephemery1]

Hmm.... we had a slightly similar situation. FI is an only child, but grew up close to his cousin S (she's our age). Over the years, we've become even closer to his other cousin (S's older brother) and his wife. When it came time to choosing the bridal party, both my brothers were going to be groomsmen, so FI wanted to have S be a bridesmaid. I was perfectly happy about that arrangement, but I think it may have caused some hurt feelings with the other cousin and especially his wife. Even though she's 36 with 2 kids and a little past the typical "bridesmaid" point. Our solution: we're going to have them do a reading.

So it's tough... if you're certain the other, older siblings won't mind, and your FI would like to have her in the wedding party... invite her! I'm sure she'd be thrilled. But if you think there's a chance it could cause unwanted drama with the older ones, that is your excuse to just keep things as they are. I think I'd probably check with your FMIL and let her make the judgment call on that.

ETA -- My 20 year old cousin is one of my bridesmaids, and she was OVERJOYED at the idea... my uncle kept reporting to my mom how excited she was, and how it's all she could talk about for weeks. She is the closest thing I have to a sister, so I never doubted having her in it, but just knowing how happy it made her is making it even MORE fun for me and my other, more jaded, late-20s bridesmaids.

 

[plantationcatt]

I would say ask her, especially if you are not against it outright. This will be a bonding experience, and will create some closeness with her. Just because you aren''t close now isn''t a reason to shut that door. My fiance''s sister called me yesterday to tell me she would love to throw a shower for me...and we were not that close a few months ago. I think it would be fun. Just my opinion...and also if she will be at all the other events anyways! good luck!

 

[robbie3982]

Thanks for all the advice. FI talked to his mom and apparently FSIL is not upset nor did she say anything about wanting to be a bridesmaid. So, I''m not sure where FMIL''s comment came from. FI doesn''t want to make FSIL a bridesmaid. I''m still not entirely sure why (he says the sides will be uneven), but she''s his sister, so I''ll do what he wants regarding this subject.