FSIL as a bridesmaid?

[Jena17]

I have been debating this for a while. My brother got engaged a week before my fiance proposed to me. Well they are waiting for a Winter 2010 wedding and my wedding is in October 2009. My brother is going to be a groomsmen in the wedding and I thought that I should have her as a bridesmaind as she will be my future sister in law. My only hesitation is that we aren''t extrememly close, we are friends but not close. They have been dating for 7 years but have an interesting relationship, they just seem to fight a lot, I really want their relationship to last and don''t wish anything bad on them but they just don''t seem too excited about getting married. I know it''s a horrible thought but I just have this feeling. Whenever someone ask her about the wedding or proposal there is NO excitment at all, maybe it''s just weird to me.. but I don''t know if she is really ready for marriage, before he proposed they never even talked about marriage or when they wanted it he just decided after 7 years he better do something.. He is 32 and she is 26.. I just have this feeling if I have her in my wedding and if they don''t make it am I going to regret it... What are your thoughts??

 

[meresal]

You do not need to have your brother's FI in your wedding.

 

[Bia]

You have whomever you want...its your wedding, never forget that.

Personally, in your case I would because she has been with him for 7 years and they are getting married. For me, I def would because I'm very very close to my brother. He and his wife made me a big part of their wedding and had me as a BM, and I will have both my SILs in mine. Lets say, for argument's sake, that she wasn't his wife when I get married, but instead his FI. I would still have her. The only reason I wouldn't is if I absolutely hated her and she hated me (although I know my brother wouldn't let that happen) then I wouldn't give two $&*%. Or, if she was his gf of 6 months and I barely knew her.

Also, just frome experience, my FI's sister got married two years ago. At the time we were together 4 years but I knew the family well. I wasn't that close to his sister because she's over 10 years older than me and he's close to her on a sister level, not a we-hang-out-all-the-time friend level. She asked me to be in her wedding and as a result, we got a lot closer. So it worked in our favor. Just a thought.

 

[ams0124]

I would say that you can have her as a bridesmaid if you want to but you don''t have to feel obligated to.

Personally I think I would because ultimately she''ll be a part of the family. And like Bia said...it could end up being great to help strengthen your relationship/friendship with her.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

It''s a nice gesture to include her and would likely make her feel welcome but if she isn''t that excited about her own wedding I don''t know that she would be that stoked about yours. What about including her in another way doing a reading (if that''s part of your service) or something similar. That way she won''t be part of the bridal party pics etc since you seem leery about her longevity as a family member.

Alice

 

[jstarfireb]

My FI''s brother got married in November. He was the best man, and the bride didn''t ask me to be a bridesmaid. For my wedding, said brother is the best man, but his wife is not one of my bridesmaids either. We don''t know each other really well outside the context of being married/engaged to the brothers, so I think that''s totally appropriate. In fact, I would have felt completely awkward if I would have been asked. She did give me a corsage and had me recess (but not process) with her only married bridesmaid''s husband...which was cute but also not necessary. I certainly would not have been offended if I was just treated as a regular guest. I actually wasn''t planning on doing anything like that for her at my wedding. The part that I did appreciate was being included in some of the formal family pictures.

So I would say don''t ask her to be a bridesmaid (since you''re not that close), but if you''d like to honor her in some way, you can do what my FSIL did (corsage/recess).

 

[honey22]

You should have the women (or men for that matter) that are close to you as your attendants. You don''t need to have FSIL or SIL either. They will understand.

 

[Elmorton]

I wouldn''t. DH''s sister was one of my bridesmaids, but IMO, a sister is different than a SIL. You allude to the idea that their marriage might not last, and if that marriage is the only reason she''d be in her wedding party, then it really doesn''t seem like a sufficient reason to ask someone to be standing next to you on such an important day in your life.

 

[jstarfireb]

Sorry, somehow my earlier post got repeated...

 

[Sparkalicious]

In no way do I feel as though you are obligated to request that she be your bridesmaid. Your brother and your fi are a different story ... possibly they are close and have developed a relationship over time that merits this honor. You, however, are not close with your FSIL and other than her possibly being your FSIL, you would never even have entertained the idea so - I''m with you. Don''t do it ... As Diamondseeker always says - "When in doubt, don''t" Why take the risk if she is not someone you have your heart set on including in your wedding in this fashion?

If you go against your better judgement and include her and they do not get married or the turbulent nature of their relationship escalates, then you are left with the uncomfortable situation of deciding whether or not she should still be a bridesmaid and getting rid of her or keeping her at the expense of the rest of your family''s possible discomfort.

 

[bee*]

I don''t think that you''re obligated to ask her but I do think it''s a nice gester. I''ve asked D''s sister to be one of my bridesmaids along with my two sisters as I think it''s a nice thing to do and we do get along great although we are not best friends.

 

[katamari]

Are his parents making a contribution to the wedding budget? If so, I would definitely include her, particularly if it is a hefty contribution. Honestly, I would include her regardless, because I think the joining of families part of a wedding is more important than the celebration with friends. But, perhaps this is an outdated way of thinking from reading the other posts.

 

[Sabine]

I think you should follow your instinct. I agree with previous posters that you aren''t required to ask her, but it would be a nice gesture. When my brother got married, my fsil asked me to be a bridesmaid, but my brother didn''t immediately ask my dh (then just a boyfriend) to be in the wedding. However, one of the groomsmen couldn''t get leave for the wedding, and my brother ended up asking dh to stand in. Dh did it as a favor, but looking back, it did bring my brother and dh closer, plus it was REALLY nice for me to have my boyfriend in the wedding too since I didn''t know anyone else in the wedding party.

Is it at all possible that your brother''s fi doesn''t get excited to talk to you about the wedding because she senses that you don''t have faith in their relationship?

 

[Jena17]

Ok, so I decided to ask my FSIL (my brother's fiance) to be a bridesmaid about a month ago.. she accepted. Well, just like my previous worries about their relationship, they broke up last week, after 7 years.. my brother realized they fight to much and told her to move out that it wouldn't work. He also said that he was really dissappointed in how she took the proposal, I have seen it but never said anything to him.. but I guess the weekend he proposed they were on vacation and she refused to call anyone, friends, parents.. anyone to announce the news and I guess they fought the entire weekend but he hid all of this because he was embarrased and after 3 months of being engaged they haven't done anything like think of a date, or even a year they want to get married and my brother is really hurt by this! But now I guess they may try to work things out.. So my problem now is what do I do, I had her as a bridesmaid mainly cause she was going to be a FSIL, she is a friend mainly cause my brother is with her. If they weren't together I doubt we would have much contact at all... What if they break up again closer to the wedding? Or do I want her in the wedding if they are only dating again and not engaged?? What a mess!

 

[elrohwen]

Wow, that''s a tough one! I can totally see why you don''t want her in your wedding party anymore, but it''s not like you can just kick her out. I would approach her and say that you understand if she''d be uncomfortable being in your wedding considering the state of her relationship with your brother. I think that gives her an out (because she might actually feel uncomfortable about it) and lets her know that you''re thinking it might not be such a good idea. This is probably a passive-aggressive solution, because obviously she''s going to pick up on the fact that you''re having second thoughts ... but I think it needs to be said in some way and this is a lot less potentially insulting than taking the direct approach. She must realize that you''re not particularly close and that you only asked her because of your brother and that this situation is getting weird because of the status of their relationship.

 

[musey]

Don't ask her "just because" unless you think that she'd want/expect it. I was asked to be in my brother's wedding as a "just because" bridesmaid (I barely know the bride), though I didn't want OR expect them to ask me. It has been awkward and I've gone through it begrudgingly.

I think that brides overestimate peoples' desire to take part in their wedding. Being a bridesmaid is, in my opinion, only fun if you're very good friends with the bride. Otherwise it's a lot of effort for someone that (sorry, being honest) you may or may not care all that much about.

It sounds like in your situation, nobody really cares about her being a bridesmaid (likely including her). So if you think you'll regret it, don't ask. You should be sure about your 'maids. It can be a trying time for friendships, and if you're not solid going in, then it'll be a struggle.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Hmm tough situation to be in now. I was reading from the beginning and I was going to say that I wouldn''t ask her. My little brother (20 yrs old) has a girlfriend who I love to hang out with when I can. I''d love to have her be in my wedding, but my brother is pretty wary about settling down altogether, ever... so I probably won''t have her in it just because I don''t want a bunch of pictures with a girl in them down the road if they don''t stay together. (Makes me really sad to talk like that because she''s so nice and I''m really pulling for him to get his act together and let her know he''s serious - she''s so great!!! Plus I don''t have a sister, so she''d be my new sister!

)

Anyway, now that you''re in the situation you''re in, I''d say to try to bring it up if you can somehow. Can your brother talk to her about it maybe? I especially wouldn''t want her in pics if they end up breaking up for good, plus like you said that would make for a really awkward rest of the time till the wedding. However you decide to do it, I just say get it resolved asap through either yourself talking to her directly or your brother. Nip it in the bud before anymore time goes by.

 

[trillionaire]

It would never even have occurred to me to include FSIL in my wedding party.

She didn''t ask me when she got married (though we were not, and still are not engaged), and I have been around a lot longer than her and I am a lot closer to the family she is marrying into. She had who she wanted, and I will hopefully elope and never have to worry about it.

Your wedding should be your vision for the day (I mean you and FI jointly, that is)!

Enjoy!

 

[tlh]

I think it is a nice way to change all that! Asking her to be a bridesmaid, you''ll have a lot of time to bond together. But, if you don''t feel that close, and think it might be awkward, perhaps you can ask her to perform another role? (One that isn''t there for all the formal pictures! haha!)
She may be jealous that your wedding is first... green monster syndrome... but if you think you''ll regret it... don''t ask. I had to watch one of my friends UNASK a friend to be apart of the wedding party more for Bridezilla reasons than anything else, and it was HORRIBLE. Also, something to keep in mind... what would your brother think? My brother would be offended, and never speak to me again. Sometimes something so small isn''t worth causing a rift in a family relationship.
That said, this is a difficult decision and one you should really think about before acting. It is always unwise to act out of a sense of obligation. Just do what feels right, it is a special day for you and your FH, surround yourselves with people that matter most to you.
HUGS!

 

[lucyandroger]

First of all, I would give it some time...after 7 years, this could just be a little blip in their relationship that will make them realize they love each other and want to treat each other better. If they get back together, you don''t want to have caused drama by un-asking her and then would you re-ask her again???

If after giving it time and they are actually broken up, I would have your brother let her know that it''s not a good idea for her to still be a bridesmaid. My guess is that she would have already figured that one out on her own.

But honestly, while your wedding is one of the most important things going on for you right now...it is really the least of their problems. She''s dealing with breaking up with a fiance after a 7 year relationship and moving...I doubt she''s even considered the bridesmaid issue.

 

[meresal]

Personally, I think your brother should handle this. He should be the one to say, "Hey, our relationship is rocky right now, and I think it would be alot less stressful for my sister if you weren''t a bridesmaid."

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 1/28/2009 3:04:30 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries
Hmm tough situation to be in now. I was reading from the beginning and I was going to say that I wouldn''t ask her. My little brother (20 yrs old) has a girlfriend who I love to hang out with when I can. I''d love to have her be in my wedding, but my brother is pretty wary about settling down altogether, ever... so I probably won''t have her in it just because I don''t want a bunch of pictures with a girl in them down the road if they don''t stay together. (Makes me really sad to talk like that because she''s so nice and I''m really pulling for him to get his act together and let her know he''s serious - she''s so great!!! Plus I don''t have a sister, so she''d be my new sister!

)

Anyway, now that you''re in the situation you''re in, I''d say to try to bring it up if you can somehow. Can your brother talk to her about it maybe? I especially wouldn''t want her in pics if they end up breaking up for good, plus like you said that would make for a really awkward rest of the time till the wedding. However you decide to do it, I just say get it resolved asap through either yourself talking to her directly or your brother. Nip it in the bud before anymore time goes by.

luvthemstrawberries, I think we are long-lost BFFs somewhere in space...I have the exact same situation with one of my little brothers. He''s 24 and he has the sweetest girlfriend. They will have been together a year and a half by the time we get married and I would LOVE to have her in my wedding, because she''s funny and exactly the kind of girl that I would love for my brother to settle down with. BUT, I would hate to make him feel pressured and I realize that he is only 24 and if things don''t work out for them, I would have all these pictures with her in them.

I think that I am overly sensitive to MY FSILs feelings because I still feel really weird when I see slide shows at my FIs family events where they have pics of his ex-wife. Logically, I KNOW he was married and I know she''s the mother of the two kiddos running around my house. But emotionally, it gives me a very ugly feeling to feel like I still have to share him even though she''s gone and I would hate for my brother to have to deal with his future wife''s emotions, if his current girlfriend doesn''t end up being his future wife.