from working woman to stay home mom?

[sasa]

My husband and I has been talking about me staying home with the baby after he is born. I like to hear from some of the working woman turn into stay at home mom of their opinion & experience.

I personally like the idea of staying home with my baby but of course there is the concern of financial stability comes to mind, and I don''t know if I will feel I''m out of touch with the world if I stay home full time.

Love to hear you ladies input...

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Bobo, I''ve kind of done it all, and I think a lot depends on your financial situation. You can find friends with babies if you stay home fulltime. On the other hand, I really enjoyed working part-time. It gave me that connection to my career along with some extra money, yet I did not have the guilt of leaving my children too much. If I had to choose between fulltime or staying at home, my choice would be to stay home. Those years pass more quickly than you can imagine, and you can''t get them back!

 

[gailrmv]

I''m looking forward to reading more on this thread. Even though we don''t have kids yet, it''s definitely on my mind. I think if the family can afford it, and the stay-at-home-parent is happy, it is good for kids to have a parent at home (whether it be Mom or Dad). Of course it is not financially feasible for everyone especially with today''s housing, HEALTH INSURANCE and gas costs!! I think I would enjoy taking a few years out of work to raise young kids if I could. I would just be concerned about re-entering the work force when I want to. I would need to keep my skills and network up to date.

 

[mrssalvo]

I love being a stay home. at first i really did miss work, well the social aspect of it

but found that being home with my kids is where i wanted to be and we''d just make sacrifices where necessary so i could. I joined a mom''s club so we''ve got pleny of activies going on and it''s great for the kids and great for the mom''s to have other ladies to chat with. I do think everyone is different and if you do decide to stay at home i strongly encourage taking advantage of mother''s day out programs. it really is important to have some time away from your kids or you''ll lose your sanity.

 

[MoonWater]

I don''t plan to try for kids for another three years but this is a huge concern for me. I keep wondering about the financial aspects as I really would prefer not to have babysitters (beyond family and very close friends) until the kid can speak well (basically school age). I''m hoping my husband to be will stay at home. I keep telling him I will support him, lol. He doesn''t like a standard work schedule and I don''t have a problem with it. However, I''ve had a ton of experience with children and he has had none. I think I will at least have to stay home for the first year. I''m very nervous about it all considering all the factors mentioned above (cost of living).

 

[somethingshiny]

My son will be two in Feb. I had to resign while I was pregnant due to being high-risk and having to "take it easy". (I should have been stuffed!) I was an optometric assistant for several years.


It took us 6 years to conceive and carry a baby to term. So, I was willing to make any sacrifice necessary to stay home with him. He may be my only child, and I want to enjoy every minute with him.

While I was pregnant, of course I went stir crazy. We had just moved into our house and I kept trying to paint and get things ready, but the doctor kept yelling at me about it.

Being a stay-at-home-mom is wonderful for me personally. I couldn''t leave my son with someone for hours everyday. We go to the park, library, Grandma''s, etc. So, I''m not stuck home all the time.

We are on a tight budget. And, I mean tight. Luckily, DH has opportunities for lots of OT. Sometimes I wish that we had more spending money, but I know I don''t want to go back to work yet.

I did miss the socializing. Conversation sometimes felt a bit hard to come by. But, you fill in where you can. And, now that my son is at the "play all the time" age, I really don''t find myself lacking.

Some women NEED to work. My BFF is one of them. She tried staying home until her daughter was three and was so happy to go back to work. Recently, she decided to stay home again. She was off for all of 3 weeks. She doesn''t feel like she''s contributing to her family if she''s not bringing in a paycheck.

IF you decide to stay home, please REALLY discuss it with your husband. Make sure you''re all even-steven on finances. My DH doesn''t care what money I spend, but I''ve heard of a lot of women who are micro-managed in that area. Also, keep in mind that there may come a time when he is resentful of you staying home. It may be because he wants to "sit on the couch" (yeah, right) or because you get to spend so much time with the baby. Also, decide if you will be responsible for ALL of the household chores. My DH still vacuums, loads the dishwasher, mows, and does garbage.



Bottom line-time flies, where would you rather be?

 

[lyra]

I became a stay at home mom partly because of the fact that my husband travels so much. We felt it would give our kids more stability to have me always there. It was really hard at times, because it was more like being a single parent if he was away for a week or more at a time. Financially, it hasn''t been great. We''ve had our ups and downs. I think it''s wonderful to have a choice though. I''m not sure my daughters will have the luxury of staying home. It''s just not financially feasible for very many people these days. I didn''t miss working at all because I had a high pressure lower paying position. I think the best of both worlds would be for one to be able to work part time and stay home part time, if that''s possible.

 

[VegasAngel]

I have been home since I became pregnant, my daughter is almost 2. Personally, I will be going back to work, I''m just waiting for a suitable shift starting 3pm or later. It''s boring to stay home all day. Cooking, cleaning, & chasing a baby 24/7 is expected by my husband-I''m not fond of being looked at as a maid. Yes, there are playgroups but I''m not interested in hanging out with other women just because they are moms, too. I have no income coming in so I have to rely on my husband for money, I dont like that. I want to be able to spend, put away, whatever I want. My goal was to stay home with my daughter until she reached one, then get back to work. My major problem is that daycare will be $800 per month. We already tried daycare, spent a lot of time trying to find a good place which it was supposed to be. (Accredited, etc.) Well, on my daughter''s second day there they forgot to feed her & couldnt tell me why she didnt eat, the 3rd day they never gave her a drink so when I picked her up she was begging for my water (The drinks I brought werent opened) she was pulled out after that. No more daycare until our daughter can speak well. It really is a personal decision. Stay home as long as you are up to it & can afford it. If you stay home & want to work you can go back part-time or full-time.

 

[nebe]

FH and I have already decided that I'll either work PT or be a SAHM once we start having children (2 -3, hopefully) and we're okay with that.

Money will be tighter initially because we're going to live off his pay while I finish my degree, work for 5/or so years, save all that money and invest it. Once we have children, the invested money can be used like an emergency fund incurring interest until we need it. I'll work odd jobs from time to time to help out, while still being able to care for the children on a regular basis. My MIL would be our babysitter (she's former SAHM who still doesn't work, she watches his nephew the same way now) when I do work an FH can't take the kids.

That's the idea, anyway.

 

[sasa]

Thanks for you ladies input...you guys bought up some good concern.

I will feel like I''m not contributing if I don''t bring in a paycheck because we live in CA and the living cost is so high..and I''m afraid in the long run DH will become resentful of me staying home and he is the only one working.

And I don''t want to be look at as a maid by my husband (right now he said I don''t have to cook and clean if I stay home full time, but I do feel he will expect that in the long run)

Also don''t want to rely on my husband for money, I''ll feel bad spending it on me if he is the only one bring home the paycheck.

 

[rainydaze]

hi bobo! i became a stay at home mom about four years ago and i have never looked back. it is extremely difficult, emotionally, so it is important to have regular girl time and an activity that gives you some personal fulfillment (yoga, classes, an hour to go for a jog, whatever floats your boat). with little ones you find yourself beating your head against a wall over the smallest things (to an adult). it is exhasuting. when the kids are all in school for the day i may take on a no-brainer part-time job, as my mother did, so that i get out of the house for a bit, have something to do that is not defined by house and family, and have some of my own money (it does feel a little weird buying DH bday and xmas presents with his money!).

my DH is fantastic about housework, meals, money and the kids. he helps out quite a bit actually, probably way more than he should considering it is technically my job. but kids can really wear you down and sometimes making dinner or putting that load in the dishwasher.... i just don''t have it in me and he gets it. he likes to take the kids or give me a night off and when he does, he is always exhausted and wonders how i do it, so again, he gets it.

he has always had the ''my money is your money'' approach so i am very fortunate not to feel like i''m on a leash (we also communicate very openly and well about this, so that helps), and we are also very fortunate that (right now) his job comfortably supports us. even if this were not the case, we had agreed before we married having me stay at home was important to both of us and we''d make it work, i.e. we''d make sacrifices and at most i would work part-time.

it sounds like you have a pretty good idea of your husband''s views and how he might see the situation down the road, but i say have a very open and honest talk about these issues (staying home, chores, money, resentment, time for yourselves) well in advance and keep in mind that both of you need to be flexible (so many couples i know have changed their initial plans regarding work, and their attitudes toward parenting and housekeeping after the kids arrived).

overall i am very happy with our decision. personally i could not work full time and be a parent, i don''t have the energy for that, nor could i be a SAHM without such a supportive husband who understands what that entails and doesn''t hesitate to pitch in. the rewards of being a SAHM far outweigh the ''i can''t take it anymore!'' moments for me!

 

[snlee]

Interesting thread. My husband and I want to have a baby soon so I''ve been thinking a lot about this. At the moment, I''m undecided. I know that being a full time working mom is very difficult. I''d love to be a SAHM but I worry about missing work (social aspect, the income, and the great benefits) and I worry about getting back into the job market if I want to work again (when our children are older). I think I''d love to work part-time but I don''t think that''s an option for my current job. Bobo, I share a lot of the same concerns. I''m also in CA and the cost of living is so high!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/16/2007 1:44:53 PM
Author: Bobo ^__*
Thanks for you ladies input...you guys bought up some good concern.

I will feel like I''m not contributing if I don''t bring in a paycheck because we live in CA and the living cost is so high..and I''m afraid in the long run DH will become resentful of me staying home and he is the only one working.

And I don''t want to be look at as a maid by my husband (right now he said I don''t have to cook and clean if I stay home full time, but I do feel he will expect that in the long run)

Also don''t want to rely on my husband for money, I''ll feel bad spending it on me if he is the only one bring home the paycheck.

Bobo, what we women and our men have to realize is that being a SAHM may not bring home a paycheck, but it DEFINITELY is a JOB. If your husband doesn''t understand that, then there is an issue. My BF is a stay at home mom and her husband actually gives her money because she deserves it. She socks it away and gets to spend on herself when she wants.

Moreover, this is a job that you really get no break from. It''s not 9-5. I think it''s such a tough job that I have no intention of doing it. However, I am also lucky in that I work from home full time and get paid nicely for it. My mom has volunteered to come over when I go back to work from maternity leave, and she is so excited to feel useful (and be with the grandchild) that I''ve agreed. I will give her money of course and am grateful that she will help keep my baby at home for awhile. I think I am an extremely lucky woman in that I will be bringing home a paycheck AND won''t have to miss out much on the daily life of my kid.

Trust me lady...you won''t be eating bon bons and watching soaps while you''re home, and your husband better understand that. If he''s resentful that he''s "working" and you''re not...well, I won''t even go there.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I've been mostly a SAHM for the last seven years. Sometimes I help with family business accounting, but that's at home and I mostly make enough to buy a few outfits. . .

Socially, being a SAHM doesn't mean you're no longer a part of society. It just means you're going to be associating with a whole new group of individuals (moms!). There are a million different sorts of groups you can join up with and it basically comes down to your interest and tolerance level. I LOVED taking my first son to "swimming lessons," where the moms and babies swam together in a class and we sang songs and just swooshed the babies in the water. I did meet a few moms there that I had a bit in common with.

Another group I joined with a friend who ran an espresso stand and she invited some of the regular mom customers there and we all started a small group. At first we got along, but then it turned into a disaster. One thing I was not prepared for is how judgemental most moms are about other moms. They would put women who drank coffee and breast fed (and right while I'd be sitting there drinking an espresso - and planning to feed my son an hour or two later)! lol It was really upsetting to me to discover how IMPOSSIBLE it is to be considered by others as the "perfect mom." Soon I found the best activity for my sons and me was taking them to the park and chit chatting w/moms there. It was more laid back.

My sons are two years apart and now are 5 & 7 and I'm still a SAHM and plan to continue being one because I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of getting household stuff done, cooking, errands, & kids PLUS work.
Financially my husband and I are lucky to be doing well. When my first son was born we were SO BROKE we were charging food on our credit cards and not paying them off at the end of the month! It was so difficult. But, since then my husband made a career change where we're making more money and we were able to afford to buy our first home and slowing worked up to a third home that we consider a long-term house. We lucked out!

When you're pregnant, joining a Yahoo pregnancy list is a great help. I learned all kinds of tips about pregnancy and birth that regular books do not talk about!

ETA: I also wanted to point out that I DID have my kids in preschool so I had time alone. It was impossible for me to stay sane without having a break a few times a week. It's nice to have quiet time. Things would be different if we had more family help, but we do not, so that was my only option.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 11/16/2007 6:24:08 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 11/16/2007 1:44:53 PM
Author: Bobo ^__*
Thanks for you ladies input...you guys bought up some good concern.

I will feel like I''m not contributing if I don''t bring in a paycheck because we live in CA and the living cost is so high..and I''m afraid in the long run DH will become resentful of me staying home and he is the only one working.

And I don''t want to be look at as a maid by my husband (right now he said I don''t have to cook and clean if I stay home full time, but I do feel he will expect that in the long run)

Also don''t want to rely on my husband for money, I''ll feel bad spending it on me if he is the only one bring home the paycheck.

Bobo, what we women and our men have to realize is that being a SAHM may not bring home a paycheck, but it DEFINITELY is a JOB. If your husband doesn''t understand that, then there is an issue. My BF is a stay at home mom and her husband actually gives her money because she deserves it. She socks it away and gets to spend on herself when she wants.

Moreover, this is a job that you really get no break from. It''s not 9-5. I think it''s such a tough job that I have no intention of doing it. However, I am also lucky in that I work from home full time and get paid nicely for it. My mom has volunteered to come over when I go back to work from maternity leave, and she is so excited to feel useful (and be with the grandchild) that I''ve agreed. I will give her money of course and am grateful that she will help keep my baby at home for awhile. I think I am an extremely lucky woman in that I will be bringing home a paycheck AND won''t have to miss out much on the daily life of my kid.

Trust me lady...you won''t be eating bon bons and watching soaps while you''re home, and your husband better understand that. If he''s resentful that he''s ''working'' and you''re not...well, I won''t even go there.

You are 100% correct with everything in your post as far as I am concerned.

My husband likes to throw around the "Get a real job" line A LOT.

 

[sasa]

I think part of the problem is me. DH keep saying he''ll help with cooking and house work. and every month he gave me his paycheck and I just give him some pocket $ and I''m the one managing the finance in the house, I guess I just feel very insecure for not bring home a paycheck.

I guess it''s because my mom always told me that I need to work, to be able to support myself in case husband cheated and leave. which happen to a lot of her friends and I heard so many similar story growing up.

Plus it''s a harsh world out there...I just feel bad I get to spend all this time with our baby and just need to take crap from the baby and DH has to work and face stupid work politic.

I just dunno if I''m ready emotionally....maybe I''ll decide after the baby is born....

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/16/2007 7:19:37 PM
Author: Bobo ^__*
I think part of the problem is me. DH keep saying he''ll help with cooking and house work. and every month he gave me his paycheck and I just give him some pocket $ and I''m the one managing the finance in the house, I guess I just feel very insecure for not bring home a paycheck.

I guess it''s because my mom always told me that I need to work, to be able to support myself in case husband cheated and leave. which happen to a lot of her friends and I heard so many similar story growing up.

Plus it''s a harsh world out there...I just feel bad I get to spend all this time with our baby and just need to take crap from the baby and DH has to work and face stupid work politic.

I just dunno if I''m ready emotionally....maybe I''ll decide after the baby is born....

OK, tell ya what...tell your hubby to stay home with the kid when it''s about...oh...two. Then tell me he won''t be anxious to get back into the "harsh world"?

Seriously Bobo...you shouldn''t feel bad that you get to "spend all this time" with your baby. You are WORKING to raise a child into a productive and responsible adult. It''s not all happy goo goo''s and look at its adorable toes! Do you have friends who have raised children? To do it WELL, it''s an obscene amount of work and my friends all want to go insane from time to time.

As for your mom? She sounds like a barrel of laughs.

If you''re working now, you''ll be able to support yourself, don''t worry. It''s not as if your hubby picked you off the street. (Although streetwalkers can support themselves just fine too!)

 

[somethingshiny]

Bobo~ Since my DH works, and I *don''t*, I have made it my responsibility to budget the hell out of every dime that man makes. In staying home, I have saved money on clothes, make-up and hair products for myself. (Although, I still do my hair, makeup and get dressed everyday. I just don''t need all the IT clothes and stuff.) I''ve saved a ton of money on food because I have more time to cook. I''ve saved LOTS of money on my gas because I''m not driving 100 miles a day now. So, between the cost of daycare, gas, clothing expenses, and food allowances-it''s actually MORE cost effective for me to stay home. If your big drawback is financial, write down the numbers and see what turns up.

Also, I LIKE to do the Stay at home stuff. (well, not the cleaning

) I enjoy making a nice meal, teaching my son, and refinishing furniture. Do You??

Luckily, DH and I already had this worked out prior to marriage. So, there''s no hard feelings either way. I can''t imagine how difficult this decision would be if it had to be made during pregnancy.

 

[sasa]

somthingshiny: I''m a gemini so I guess I sort of have split personality, half of me is a workaholic and want to work full time, half of me love the stay home stuff...cooking and baking sooth me and of course stay home with the baby.

Good thing DH is not pressuring me into making any decision right away, he said I can wait until the baby is born and see how I like it staying home with the baby while on maternity leave. But this will be a major if I decide to stay home full time so I''m sort of nervous as the due date gets closer.

 

[ljmorgan]

I really love how supportive all of the replies are here, this tends to be such a touchy subject! My husband and I are TTC, so we''re naturally thinking about whether I will continue working or will stay at home. There are so many factors that go into this! It''s a tough decision and both choices definitely have their advantages and drawbacks.

I think that you will be fine staying home! You can have playdates and as someone suggested, make time for yoga classes, getting out with friends, etc. As far as financial stability, be saving NOW so that you can have a nice cushion when baby is born. My husband and I are saving like mad right now so we won''t even notice when I''m out of work for a few months. Financially things may be tighter for you if you''re not working, but if you want to stay home with your baby I know it will be worth it!

Also, you should not feel that you aren''t contributing to the household if you''re staying home with baby. You should never feel that you are ''relying'' on your husband for money. This is why I am such a bid advocate for shared finances in a married couple. His paycheck is quite simply your paycheck, and vice versa. Don''t think of his paycheck as yours -- that is FAMILY INCOME. He makes money to support all of you, and that will be his job while you stay home. You will be working a lot harder than he is, too!

 

[Blenheim]

I''ve been debating whether or not to post, as I know that this is a touchy subject and I don''t want to come off as negative or critical -- I know that this is an incredibly hard decision to make, and that different decisions work better for different people.

I just wanted to address your mom/TG''s comment about re-entering the workforce. Before making any assumptions, I''d really encourage you to evaluate how long you''re considering staying at home (a year or two? until your child enters grade school? until your child leaves for college?) and talk to someone in your field about how easy/difficult it is to re-enter. I''ve heard that some fields have so many developments that it''s really hard to jump back into things after time off. And in any field, if you take a lot of time off, it can be difficult to re-enter the field. My mom stayed at home with us (occasionally working part-time, but not always in related fields) until all the kids were in college, got divorced three years later, and found that the only way that she could get a job that paid decently and challenged her was to go back to grad school. I think that she''s resentful about how, back when she was having us, people made her feel like she could easily re-enter at any time.

And it''s not just your husband leaving you that''s potentially an issue. What if he becomes disabled or passes away? I think that the latter two things could be greatly helped by him carrying adequate disability and life insurance, but they''re all things that you need to think about.

Whatever decision you make has its pros and cons. I just think it''s important to go in to either with your eyes open. And for what it''s worth, I loved having my mom stay at home with me when I was little and having her there to talk to me when I came home from school.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[msb700]

thanks Bobo for starting this thread!! i have not read thru every single post, but I just wanted to say that when we have baby #2, husband and I have both decided that i will be a stay at home mom for several reasons:

1) We dont want to rely too much on my mother to baby sit..she is still very fit, but i find it hard to justify her having to take care of MY kids because i want to go to work 8 hours a day. (even though she doesn't mind and LOVE baby sitting my son... and if she reads this she will prolly have me beheaded for even thinking it!)

2) I WANT to watch my kids grow up..I dont want to be so rushed when i get home to make sure they are fed and bathed and ready for bed that i loose on on quality time with them..i dont want to miss out on the times they are 'awake' and being kids!

but, i have a MAJOR concern

1) I have been earning my own paycheck for as LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG as i can remember..and before that, my parents used to give me an allowance..so i always had 'my' money to spend as 'i' see fit...with me not working, it would be my husband being the pay maker and i honestly dont know how that will work..im not used to accepting money from anyone, or wat willi do when it runs out?? that is my biggest concern over the loss of career or getting bored or watever..it is the income!! and like someone mentioned, id feel GUILTY spending it on me because he worked so hard to make it...

rainydaze: Thats so great that ur husband is helping u out when u need a helping hand...my DH was off from work this past week and he decided to take full care of my son all day long (read putting him down for nap times, feeding him, changing diapers, etc etc.. ALL ON HIS OWN!!!)....after the 2nd day he looked at me and said "I dont know how u do this..this is very tiring and IS a full time job no matter wat anyone says!!" he then thanked me for being a good mom and not complaining at all about how tired i am from work and lack of sleep and also taking care of our 7 month old its nice to know that he now appreciates wat i have to go thru..

 

[peonygirl]

Hey guys! Just wanted to post on here because this has been a recent dilemma for me too. I am applying to medical school this June, and DH and I also want to have a baby soon so that makes things tricky. By the time I would be done with my education and be able to work part time, I would be in my mid-30s which for us is too long to wait to have kids. I am thinking about deferring school a yr though so that I can spend the first year home with the baby.

What I really wanted to say is that I've noticed that it's almost impossible to know whether being a full-time SAHM is right for you until you already have a baby. I know people who were really hard-core focused on their career until they have kids and shocked themselves by wanting to stay at home, and others who felt super isolated and down at home and found that work provided a much-needed balance. So sometimes it's just really hard to plan before the baby actually comes.

I grew up with a SAHM and until recently the idea of working with a kid scared me to death because I didn't know anything different. But then I really forced myself to research and think about what being a working mom would be like. I asked all of my adult friends about their experience of growing up in a family where both parents worked, and they were super positive about it. They were all really proud of their moms, felt that she was a role model for them, etc. Of course, these were all parents who enjoyed their jobs, so I do think that it would be different if a person had a job they hated because the kids would certainly know that. I also have a Master's in clinical psychology with a focus in pediatric disorders, so I researched like crazy about the developmental effects of non-parental child care. A TON studies have been done on this, and about 90% of them show no difference in the kids, while 5% are more positive for SAHM moms and 5% are more positive for daycare. So it was good to know that there was no strong evidence that I would be shortchanging my kids if I also had a career. Finally, in college I took a child development class where I observed a daycare for several hours a week and was actually pleasantly surprised with what I saw. The kids did tons of fun activities, had a great variety of toys, lots of good friends, and even got to go to the park every day. But regardless of those outcomes, I do think I would *want* to be at home for the first year because this is a super special time.

Blenheim also brings up really valid concerns. My mom has a degree from a school that's generally ranked #1 on US News, and she had *so* much trouble trying to find a job when my parents got divorced 8 years ago. She had a bunch of great work experience in college and before I was born, but employers didn't care about that. Now she works at Starbucks though and loves it. I've heard from the children of several people who had a father die unexpectedly (two instances I'm thinking of are a heart attack and car accident) and whose mothers basically had a nervous breakdown because of the new stress of providing for their families when they had not worked in years. Of course losing a spouse is a horrible tragedy, but this really pushed them over the edge because they did not have a backup plan. Sadly, the divorce rate is rather high these days, so this is probably more of an issue than spousal death. My DH and I have an amazing, amazing relationship and I could not fathom us breaking up, but it's hard to ignore the numbers. I don't really relate to those people who feel like they have to have "my" money though, because we are one of those couples who combines everything and does not have allocated, individual money. But this year I've been a student and not bringing in an income, so it does make me feel a bit odd buying presents for DH with this money. But he really feels like his paycheck is my money too, so these concerns are diminishing with time.

Anyway, I hope my post seems balanced to you guys because I truly think that either staying at home or working can be a great choice for your family, depending on how it is handled. I have no idea how I'll feel when I actually had a kid, so I'm trying to plan for both outcomes. I am very domestic, love children, etc, but previous experience seems to suggest that I really need to be intellectually stimulated, challenged, and have responsibility outside of the home in order to feel balanced. So, we'll see! I'm trying to think of it as an adventure.

 

[zoebartlett]

I should begin by saying that I''m not married yet, nor do I have kids, so I can''t speak from my own experience.

My mom was a stay at home mom for a while and then she slowly got back into the workforce as my sister and I got older. She began working from home at times and part times in an office at others. By the time I was in high school, she was back to working full time.

I appreciate those who are stay at home moms because of the tremendous work they do for their families. A friend of mine and I had a conversation about her decision to go back to work when she had kids. She said that she''d be more effective if she went back to work full time. I think she wanted her kids to see that there are so many sides to life and she would feel like a more interesting person to her kids if they could see other dimensions to her. I also think finances had a lot to do with it. I really could understand my friend''s point of view and I agreed with a lot of what she was saying.

I''m a teacher and if I were to be a stay at home mom for a few years and then try to get back into teaching, I know I''d have a very tough time. Sure, I could keep up on knowing where the education system is heading and I could keep my subscriptions to educational journals. That would help but none of that would actually be the same as doing it first hand. The more you do it, the more you learn, and reading about teaching instead of doing it wouldn''t get me far.

I can see both sides. Both are fulfilling and rewarding in their own ways.

 

[sasa]

Date: 11/18/2007 12:52:03 AM
Author: msb700
thanks Bobo for starting this thread!! i have not read thru every single post, but I just wanted to say that when we have baby #2, husband and I have both decided that i will be a stay at home mom for several reasons:

1) We dont want to rely too much on my mother to baby sit..she is still very fit, but i find it hard to justify her having to take care of MY kids because i want to go to work 8 hours a day. (even though she doesn''t mind and LOVE baby sitting my son... and if she reads this she will prolly have me beheaded for even thinking it!)

2) I WANT to watch my kids grow up..I dont want to be so rushed when i get home to make sure they are fed and bathed and ready for bed that i loose on on quality time with them..i dont want to miss out on the times they are ''awake'' and being kids!

but, i have a MAJOR concern

1) I have been earning my own paycheck for as LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG as i can remember..and before that, my parents used to give me an allowance..so i always had ''my'' money to spend as ''i'' see fit...with me not working, it would be my husband being the pay maker and i honestly dont know how that will work..im not used to accepting money from anyone, or wat willi do when it runs out?? that is my biggest concern over the loss of career or getting bored or watever..it is the income!! and like someone mentioned, id feel GUILTY spending it on me because he worked so hard to make it...

rainydaze: Thats so great that ur husband is helping u out when u need a helping hand...my DH was off from work this past week and he decided to take full care of my son all day long (read putting him down for nap times, feeding him, changing diapers, etc etc.. ALL ON HIS OWN!!!)....after the 2nd day he looked at me and said ''I dont know how u do this..this is very tiring and IS a full time job no matter wat anyone says!!'' he then thanked me for being a good mom and not complaining at all about how tired i am from work and lack of sleep and also taking care of our 7 month old its nice to know that he now appreciates wat i have to go thru..

msb700, I''m like you I''ve been earning my own $ for as long as I remember so I have concern of $ run out if something happen to DH & feel guilty using his $ on me.

 

[sasa]

Date: 11/18/2007 1:56:37 AM
Author: peonygirl

Hey guys! Just wanted to post on here because this has been a recent dilemma for me too. I am applying to medical school this June, and DH and I also want to have a baby soon so that makes things tricky. By the time I would be done with my education and be able to work part time, I would be in my mid-30s which for us is too long to wait to have kids. I am thinking about deferring school a yr though so that I can spend the first year home with the baby.

What I really wanted to say is that I''ve noticed that it''s almost impossible to know whether being a full-time SAHM is right for you until you already have a baby. I know people who were really hard-core focused on their career until they have kids and shocked themselves by wanting to stay at home, and others who felt super isolated and down at home and found that work provided a much-needed balance. So sometimes it''s just really hard to plan before the baby actually comes.

I grew up with a SAHM and until recently the idea of working with a kid scared me to death because I didn''t know anything different. But then I really forced myself to research and think about what being a working mom would be like. I asked all of my adult friends about their experience of growing up in a family where both parents worked, and they were super positive about it. They were all really proud of their moms, felt that she was a role model for them, etc. Of course, these were all parents who enjoyed their jobs, so I do think that it would be different if a person had a job they hated because the kids would certainly know that. I also have a Master''s in clinical psychology with a focus in pediatric disorders, so I researched like crazy about the developmental effects of non-parental child care. A TON studies have been done on this, and about 90% of them show no difference in the kids, while 5% are more positive for SAHM moms and 5% are more positive for daycare. So it was good to know that there was no strong evidence that I would be shortchanging my kids if I also had a career. Finally, in college I took a child development class where I observed a daycare for several hours a week and was actually pleasantly surprised with what I saw. The kids did tons of fun activities, had a great variety of toys, lots of good friends, and even got to go to the park every day. But regardless of those outcomes, I do think I would *want* to be at home for the first year because this is a super special time.

Blenheim also brings up really valid concerns. My mom has a degree from a school that''s generally ranked #1 on US News, and she had *so* much trouble trying to find a job when my parents got divorced 8 years ago. She had a bunch of great work experience in college and before I was born, but employers didn''t care about that. Now she works at Starbucks though and loves it. I''ve heard from the children of several people who had a father die unexpectedly (two instances I''m thinking of are a heart attack and car accident) and whose mothers basically had a nervous breakdown because of the new stress of providing for their families when they had not worked in years. Of course losing a spouse is a horrible tragedy, but this really pushed them over the edge because they did not have a backup plan. Sadly, the divorce rate is rather high these days, so this is probably more of an issue than spousal death. My DH and I have an amazing, amazing relationship and I could not fathom us breaking up, but it''s hard to ignore the numbers. I don''t really relate to those people who feel like they have to have ''my'' money though, because we are one of those couples who combines everything and does not have allocated, individual money. But this year I''ve been a student and not bringing in an income, so it does make me feel a bit odd buying presents for DH with this money. But he really feels like his paycheck is my money too, so these concerns are diminishing with time.

Anyway, I hope my post seems balanced to you guys because I truly think that either staying at home or working can be a great choice for your family, depending on how it is handled. I have no idea how I''ll feel when I actually had a kid, so I''m trying to plan for both outcomes. I am very domestic, love children, etc, but previous experience seems to suggest that I really need to be intellectually stimulated, challenged, and have responsibility outside of the home in order to feel balanced. So, we''ll see! I''m trying to think of it as an adventure.

Peonygirl, I agree it''s impossible to know what it feel like as a SAHM until the baby arrive that is why I decide to use my maternity leave time to see if SAHM will be right for me.

 

[pennquaker09]

My situation is *almost* like what some of you ladies are going through. I''m going to be a SAHD, and I have no idea of how I am going to transition into staying at home. We''re having twins, so I didn''t really have a choice.

 

[ljmorgan]

I wanted to comment on the topic of financial responsibility. The concerns for a new stay at home mom can be addressed by taking the typical financial steps that EVERYONE should take.

1. Emergency fund, 3-6 months of living expenses (possibly more for one income families.)

2. GOOD life insurance on BOTH parents. For the wage earner, 5 times their income in a good term life policy. For the stay at home parent, a life insurance policy in the amount of your home mortgage + anticipated child care costs until your children are school age.

3. Short/long term disability insurance coverage for the parent bringing in income. This is really important!

I think that those 3 items are essential for every adult with children, but those 3 things will really help to protect a one income family.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi bobo,
i agree that this has been a very supportive thread-what a great group here at PS! i have been a sahm for almost 20 years. let me clarify. dh and i married, had dd#1 14months later, i returned to work, hated being away from her, sitter issues, finally stayed at home when she was 7 months old(i went back to work when she was 4months, so i didn''t miss much). then i babysat part-time for a co-worked and then another friend, was VERY difficult but kept us afloat as dh was building his career) then 2 years later, ds#1 came along and dh received a raise the EXACT dollar amount of what i earned babysitting!
then we moved out of state, and i began to babysit part-time again, then #3 came along and i babysat for a few years. Then when #3 began school full-time, i began teaching part-time. it was all FREE money because the kiddies were all in school and no child care. i loved working and landed a dream job, teaching teen moms, and making a really nice part-time salary. Then, i was blessed to have #4, 4 years after i re-entered the work force and was thrilled to have another child. i was very reluctant to leave my job as it was very fulfilling, great staff, great hours, great pay, but my dh was pretty adamant about me "raising" our son like i had the others(he travels a great deal and we have no family support nearby. Then i very unexpectedly had #5 at the age of almost 42! and she just turned 2
and guess what? we have had our struggles, we have had our "pie in the sky times" but overall i feel so blessed to have been with my children. our oldest is now almost a jr. at university, our 2nd just won the state soccer championship and our third is being home-schooled this year...somehow it all works out. somehow you manage to do what you need to do. my hubby has been VERY supportive of me being at home. however, he sees things in a more tradtional light-ie he''s lazy and i do most of the housework. but after 20+ years of marriage and five kids, i rarely fight about it. in good times, he is quick to let me treat myself to whatever and in lean times, he still encourages me to do things for myself. he is a most generous provider and i am so grateful for that.
we now have a chronically ill son(our high school sr. soccer star, and scholar) who is type 1 diabetic. blood sugar checks and several shots a day, checking on him and praying for his health all have taught me that nothing is more important that the love i have for and receive from my family. whether you work full-time, part-time or are a stay at home parent, loving your child(ren) and spouse will be your shining accomplishment(s) in your lifetime. i feel like a survivor, i feel super-blessed to being doing it again in my 40''s with two toddlers running around as the holidays approach. yesterday, we had breakfast with Santa. whodu thunk i''d being doing all of these things again at my age? sure, i could have a better figure, more sparklies, etc, if i hadn''t had two more children and kept working, but they are everything to me!
so, whatever YOU decide, it will be the right decision for YOU. i am sure your little one will be blessed to have one loving, caring mom as you care so much already.
these really are the best days of your(my) life. i am teary as i think of how lucky i have been because i know these five great people i call my children. i just wanted you to hear a perspective from an "older" mom

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 11/18/2007 8:10:40 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
I wanted to comment on the topic of financial responsibility. The concerns for a new stay at home mom can be addressed by taking the typical financial steps that EVERYONE should take.


1. Emergency fund, 3-6 months of living expenses (possibly more for one income families.)


2. GOOD life insurance on BOTH parents. For the wage earner, 5 times their income in a good term life policy. For the stay at home parent, a life insurance policy in the amount of your home mortgage + anticipated child care costs until your children are school age.


3. Short/long term disability insurance coverage for the parent bringing in income. This is really important!


I think that those 3 items are essential for every adult with children, but those 3 things will really help to protect a one income family.

Do you watch Suze Orman too?