friendship lost.

[cbs102]

i grew up with 2 sisters living next door to me. both of which are my really good friends. sister E is my bestfriend and L is a good friend who actually introduced me to my fiance. our relationship is more towards sisterly than friendship..and with us 3 is certainly a crowd.

i have been feeling lately like i just have no energy for the friendships anymore. when i moved to another state to live with fi i was thrilled because L was already living here...20 minutes away and her now husband is great friends with my fi..i rarely saw her in the year that i have lived here. i chalked it up to her planning her wedding but its still going on. when i got engaged she told me my ring was nice but hers was better. for her wedding i made the escort cards, helped her mom out on the decorations, went to dress fittings etc... after the wedding she sent every bridesmaid a framed picture BUT me.

i have not been calling her lately-or her sister for that matter. i am finally happy in my life and i am trying to stay away from all the drama. last weekend i found out that she was 3 days preggo and lost the baby. i found this out through my FI. i texted her and told me to call when she wanted to talk and that i was so sorry. sunday night i checked my phone before bed and saw that i had a missed call from her with no message. being that it was late, i texted her in the morning and she twrote back telling me that she was very angry with me and that she did not want to talk to me..she told me that all i care about is my FI and that i am a bad friend. WTF!

my fi''s stance on the situation is that she is a selfish girl. that she cares for no one but herself and that i should just end things. i feel sad that i have to end things completely though being that this is a life long friendship. she just left me a VM saying that she wants to talk to me face to face. i don''t want to do that at all.. does anyone have advise? am i a terrible person?

 

[joflier]

She does sound a bit self absorbed. I think its smart of you to want to downgrade on the drama in your life. Sadly, friendships do come and go. I've been there. I know its sad and difficult. Although, I don't see why you need to completely cut her out. Just keep a little friendly distance. By the sound of it, she may be fine with that as well. Sorry that your going through this.

 

[Circe]

Huh. My short diagnosis is that your friend is displacing her feelings about losing her pregnancy onto being angry with you: it gives her a less painful reason for being so upset. But, that said, it sounds like she''s been pissed for a while, given the bridesmaid''s photos ... so I really have no idea what''s going on there.

If it were me, I''d probably meet her in person, just because it seems like the best way to avoid misunderstandings (e-mail and even the phone can lead to ... complications), but I''d try to go into it knowing that I''d done my best, and to be as emotionally prepared as possible in case all she wanted was a punching bag (and knowing that if that was what she was after, that I always had the option to leave). Does that make sense?

 

[cbs102]

Well, my FI says their behavior is like mental abuse.. they out of the blue get angry and use your weaknesses against you. i am 29 years old. I am getting married, i have a 4 yr old soon to be step daughter that is being neglected by her mother...i have things going on. i don''t really feel the need to call and chat away with someone that does not really care anyway.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

It kinda sounds to me like she has had issues with you for a while, whatever they may be. I am not saying that it is you, it could very well be her!

This is rude:
when i got engaged she told me my ring was nice but hers was better.

And this tells me that she is singling you out:
for her wedding i made the escort cards, helped her mom out on the decorations, went to dress fittings etc... after the wedding she sent every bridesmaid a framed picture BUT me
Did you ever ask her why that was?

First she does not want to talk to you, you are a bad friend...etc...
then she wants to talk to you face-to-face.

I think that if I were in your situation, and you are perfectly happy with not talking to her that I would just let sleeping dogs lie and move on. I would not say that you are a terrible person, not from what I have read!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Yeah, it definately sounds like you two have moved in different directions...and sometimes in life that happens.

But on a side note, miscarriages mess with your head. The last one I suffered, which was recently, I was a mess..but not in the way you expect...I got up and went to work as soon as I physically felt able, I was very calm, quiet and I didn''t bring it to anyone''s attention. I didn''t cry or carry on, or get hopeless. I was very matter of fact about it...and that scared my husband and my dear friend because up until this one, with the others that I''d suffered, I mourned the loss. And to this day, I cannot explain why I felt the way I did, or acted that way...I haven''t had a delayed reaction or anything. I just surprised everyone with my behavior and my actions. From the outside, I appeared to be very cold...and I don''t think normally I''m a cold person. So, I guess I cut people slack when it comes to grieving in that respect, people will surprise you.

But, seriously, it''s totally fine to outgrow friendships that once seems like the most important thing in the world. People change as their lives change...and sometimes the very things they accuse you of, are the exact thing that they personally most suffer under.

((big hugs)) do whats best for you.

 

[princesss]

Maybe this is going to come out wrong, but I feel like I should put it out there.

This woman just went through a devastating loss and she got a text message. Not a phone call, not a handwritten note, a text message. I''d be upset, too. She''s in a fragile state and she gets a message that says, "Hey, I heard you''re going through a rough time. Call me if you need me." When I''m going through a rough time, I need to hear my friends'' voices, even if I can''t talk about what''s going wrong. I need them to come to me, not just tell me to talk to them if I need to.

Yeah, the other examples you gave definitely make her seem self-absorbed, but I''d give her a pass on being self-absorbed this time.

Now, if you never want to be friends with her again (and in light of the other situations, I probably wouldn''t want to be friends with her), I wouldn''t see her face to face. But if you want to keep the door open, I''d go, even knowing she only wants to see you to yell at you. (And yeah, I''ve walked into a situation like that, so I know what I''m suggesting isn''t the most fun option.)

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 1:58:30 PM
Author: Diamond*Dana
It kinda sounds to me like she has had issues with you for a while, whatever they may be. I am not saying that it is you, it could very well be her!

This is rude:
when i got engaged she told me my ring was nice but hers was better.

And this tells me that she is singling you out:
for her wedding i made the escort cards, helped her mom out on the decorations, went to dress fittings etc... after the wedding she sent every bridesmaid a framed picture BUT me
Did you ever ask her why that was?

First she does not want to talk to you, you are a bad friend...etc...
then she wants to talk to you face-to-face.

I think that if I were in your situation, and you are perfectly happy with not talking to her that I would just let sleeping dogs lie and move on. I would not say that you are a terrible person, not from what I have read!

no i have not confronted her on any of it. i know that she will just say that i am being dramatic. it just feel really sad. to be honest, i would rather have the relationship just fade away rather than having a huge blow up.

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/23/2009 2:04:01 PM
Author: cbs102
no i have not confronted her on any of it. i know that she will just say that i am being dramatic. it just feel really sad. to be honest, i would rather have the relationship just fade away rather than having a huge blow up.

Sounds to me like you know where your heart''s at on this one. Just follow it. Your in a happy place in your life. Embrace that.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/23/2009 2:07:29 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 1/23/2009 2:04:01 PM
Author: cbs102
no i have not confronted her on any of it. i know that she will just say that i am being dramatic. it just feel really sad. to be honest, i would rather have the relationship just fade away rather than having a huge blow up.

Sounds to me like you know where your heart''s at on this one. Just follow it. Your in a happy place in your life. Embrace that.

Ditto. If you want it to fade away, don''t go meet her in person.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 2:02:49 PM
Author: princesss
Maybe this is going to come out wrong, but I feel like I should put it out there.

This woman just went through a devastating loss and she got a text message. Not a phone call, not a handwritten note, a text message. I''d be upset, too. She''s in a fragile state and she gets a message that says, ''Hey, I heard you''re going through a rough time. Call me if you need me.'' When I''m going through a rough time, I need to hear my friends'' voices, even if I can''t talk about what''s going wrong. I need them to come to me, not just tell me to talk to them if I need to.

Yeah, the other examples you gave definitely make her seem self-absorbed, but I''d give her a pass on being self-absorbed this time.

Now, if you never want to be friends with her again (and in light of the other situations, I probably wouldn''t want to be friends with her), I wouldn''t see her face to face. But if you want to keep the door open, I''d go, even knowing she only wants to see you to yell at you. (And yeah, I''ve walked into a situation like that, so I know what I''m suggesting isn''t the most fun option.)

Princess, my FI stopped by their house to pick something up and she told him that she has a miscarriage and that she did not want to talk about...hence the text message. i was not about to call her after she had just said that to FI. and this is the way she is. she would have ripped my head off if i called her. she obviously needs to do things on her own terms.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/23/2009 2:11:30 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/23/2009 2:02:49 PM
Author: princesss
Maybe this is going to come out wrong, but I feel like I should put it out there.

This woman just went through a devastating loss and she got a text message. Not a phone call, not a handwritten note, a text message. I''d be upset, too. She''s in a fragile state and she gets a message that says, ''Hey, I heard you''re going through a rough time. Call me if you need me.'' When I''m going through a rough time, I need to hear my friends'' voices, even if I can''t talk about what''s going wrong. I need them to come to me, not just tell me to talk to them if I need to.

Yeah, the other examples you gave definitely make her seem self-absorbed, but I''d give her a pass on being self-absorbed this time.

Now, if you never want to be friends with her again (and in light of the other situations, I probably wouldn''t want to be friends with her), I wouldn''t see her face to face. But if you want to keep the door open, I''d go, even knowing she only wants to see you to yell at you. (And yeah, I''ve walked into a situation like that, so I know what I''m suggesting isn''t the most fun option.)

Princess, my FI stopped by their house to pick something up and she told him that she has a miscarriage and that she did not want to talk about...hence the text message. i was not about to call her after she had just said that to FI. and this is the way she is. she would have ripped my head off if i called her. she obviously needs to do things on her own terms.

Gotcha. I didn''t realize he''d seen her in person and she''d said she didn''t want to talk. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 2:01:07 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Yeah, it definately sounds like you two have moved in different directions...and sometimes in life that happens.

But on a side note, miscarriages mess with your head. The last one I suffered, which was recently, I was a mess..but not in the way you expect...I got up and went to work as soon as I physically felt able, I was very calm, quiet and I didn''t bring it to anyone''s attention. I didn''t cry or carry on, or get hopeless. I was very matter of fact about it...and that scared my husband and my dear friend because up until this one, with the others that I''d suffered, I mourned the loss. And to this day, I cannot explain why I felt the way I did, or acted that way...I haven''t had a delayed reaction or anything. I just surprised everyone with my behavior and my actions. From the outside, I appeared to be very cold...and I don''t think normally I''m a cold person. So, I guess I cut people slack when it comes to grieving in that respect, people will surprise you.

But, seriously, it''s totally fine to outgrow friendships that once seems like the most important thing in the world. People change as their lives change...and sometimes the very things they accuse you of, are the exact thing that they personally most suffer under.

((big hugs)) do whats best for you.

Italia,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. it must be awful. this happend to my friend once before (it was actually the day that i got engaged) and i didn''t even tell her until a week later that i was engaged... i KNOW that she has gone through something awful. at first i thought that she was projecting her anger and frustrations on me because we have known each other for years and its a comfort thing...but this is *not* abnormal behavior. she does this sort of thing alot. and i *do* get upset when people question why i want to be with my fi..umm because i have a family now and i need to work on that.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/23/2009 2:15:33 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/23/2009 2:01:07 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Yeah, it definately sounds like you two have moved in different directions...and sometimes in life that happens.

But on a side note, miscarriages mess with your head. The last one I suffered, which was recently, I was a mess..but not in the way you expect...I got up and went to work as soon as I physically felt able, I was very calm, quiet and I didn''t bring it to anyone''s attention. I didn''t cry or carry on, or get hopeless. I was very matter of fact about it...and that scared my husband and my dear friend because up until this one, with the others that I''d suffered, I mourned the loss. And to this day, I cannot explain why I felt the way I did, or acted that way...I haven''t had a delayed reaction or anything. I just surprised everyone with my behavior and my actions. From the outside, I appeared to be very cold...and I don''t think normally I''m a cold person. So, I guess I cut people slack when it comes to grieving in that respect, people will surprise you.

But, seriously, it''s totally fine to outgrow friendships that once seems like the most important thing in the world. People change as their lives change...and sometimes the very things they accuse you of, are the exact thing that they personally most suffer under.

((big hugs)) do whats best for you.

Italia,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. it must be awful. this happend to my friend once before (it was actually the day that i got engaged) and i didn''t even tell her until a week later that i was engaged... i KNOW that she has gone through something awful. at first i thought that she was projecting her anger and frustrations on me because we have known each other for years and its a comfort thing...but this is *not* abnormal behavior. she does this sort of thing alot. and i *do* get upset when people question why i want to be with my fi..umm because i have a family now and i need to work on that.

You do have your own family now...and you have to allign your priorities with what will be best for them...I think walking away is perfectly acceptable considering how she''s treated you.

 

[cbs102]

Being that i am at work i texted her telling her that i was very apprehensive talking face to face if she was going to just rip my head off and she went crazy on me and randomly telling me that i am playing the victim..no idea where that came from but i guess i don''t really need to decide anything...friendship of 21years-OVER!

i am sitting here shaking. my heart is racing and my hands are shking like crazy. how do people that you are friends with for so long think its ok to speak to someone that way.

 

[tlh]

This is just a sad post. HUGS ALL AROUND!!!

I cannot really give you advice, but one thing I foudn interesting was that from the beginning "L" was always a good friend, but "E" was your best friend. "L" is just closer in proximity but not in terms of the actual relationships... correct? It may be difficult, but do you think having "L" fade away will damage your realtionship w/ "e" becaue they are sisters?.... maybe this is a situation where you could talk to "E" as she knows "L" best... and would be best suited to give you the advice... but... that said...talking to "E" will make it impossible for "L" to fade away.

Italia, huge hugs to you too! My heart breaks for you that you had to go through that at all, let alone more than once.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/23/2009 3:05:23 PM
Author: cbs102
i am sitting here shaking. my heart is racing and my hands are shking like crazy. how do people that you are friends with for so long think its ok to speak to someone that way.

The million dollar question.

It sounds like you will be better off anyway. And if she does calm down and she does apologize, you can decide whether it is really over for good.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 3:09:26 PM
Author: tlh
This is just a sad post. HUGS ALL AROUND!!!

I cannot really give you advice, but one thing I foudn interesting was that from the beginning ''L'' was always a good friend, but ''E'' was your best friend. ''L'' is just closer in proximity but not in terms of the actual relationships... correct? It may be difficult, but do you think having ''L'' fade away will damage your realtionship w/ ''e'' becaue they are sisters?.... maybe this is a situation where you could talk to ''E'' as she knows ''L'' best... and would be best suited to give you the advice... but... that said...talking to ''E'' will make it impossible for ''L'' to fade away.

Italia, huge hugs to you too! My heart breaks for you that you had to go through that at all, let alone more than once.

i have kind of been pulling away from E as well just because 3 is always a crowd with us..and in the end, they ARE sisters. i also have a lot going on and feel since my move here that we no longer have things in common.. i am so sad and my heart is racing. she is continuing to write text after text of horrible mean things. ugh! such a shame!

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 3:12:57 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/23/2009 3:05:23 PM
Author: cbs102
i am sitting here shaking. my heart is racing and my hands are shking like crazy. how do people that you are friends with for so long think its ok to speak to someone that way.

The million dollar question.

It sounds like you will be better off anyway. And if she does calm down and she does apologize, you can decide whether it is really over for good.

fiery, i immediately thought of you when this was going on. i doubt that an apology will ever come. and if it does, i doubt i will accept it after the things that she is saying.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/23/2009 3:16:46 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/23/2009 3:09:26 PM
Author: tlh
This is just a sad post. HUGS ALL AROUND!!!

I cannot really give you advice, but one thing I foudn interesting was that from the beginning ''L'' was always a good friend, but ''E'' was your best friend. ''L'' is just closer in proximity but not in terms of the actual relationships... correct? It may be difficult, but do you think having ''L'' fade away will damage your realtionship w/ ''e'' becaue they are sisters?.... maybe this is a situation where you could talk to ''E'' as she knows ''L'' best... and would be best suited to give you the advice... but... that said...talking to ''E'' will make it impossible for ''L'' to fade away.

Italia, huge hugs to you too! My heart breaks for you that you had to go through that at all, let alone more than once.

i have kind of been pulling away from E as well just because 3 is always a crowd with us..and in the end, they ARE sisters. i also have a lot going on and feel since my move here that we no longer have things in common.. i am so sad and my heart is racing. she is continuing to write text after text of horrible mean things. ugh! such a shame!

Oh, that changes things. Your FI is right. Just let it go... which is hard, because you will feel like a meanie pants- leaving her in her time of need... but based on the description of other events... it is always her time of need... so, do what is best for you, and YOUR family.
This will not be easy, but it looks like you''ve made up your mind... you just want, validation?
I think that is very sweet of you. I think that toxic friendships are difficult, and draining. I think whatever decision you eventually make will be the right one for you.... and you know us PSers will be here to support you! HUGS!

 

[princesss]

Delete and ignore, honey, delete and ignore. And if you really don''t want to look at them, turn your phone on silent and just have your FI erase them all.

You deserve more than a horrible "friend" that does this to you.

*hug*

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 3:35:49 PM
Author: princesss
Delete and ignore, honey, delete and ignore. And if you really don''t want to look at them, turn your phone on silent and just have your FI erase them all.

You deserve more than a horrible ''friend'' that does this to you.

*hug*

i just told her that i did not want her contacting me anymore and she told me that we never had a freindship and that i am a mental case..umm...ok

 

[tlh]

I think circue is right, she is projecting her feelings of loss onto you, and mutating it into anger at you... because it is easier to be angry than sad. Just sounds like her way of coping. Plus calling you a mental case is probably easier for her. I think you nipped it in the bud by telling her you would rather not have her contacting you. You can just leave it at that.

I know that was hard for you. HUGS!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If you don't want to continue the friendship and feel it is "toxic," just send her a note saying how sorry you are about her pregnancy and then just move on from there. . .

I'm a bit confused about the part where she is three days pregnant??? Do you mean three months pregnant?

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 4:44:45 PM
Author: MC
If you don''t want to continue the friendship and feel it is ''toxic,'' just send her a note saying how sorry you are about her pregnancy and then just move on from there. . .

I''m a bit confused about the part where she is three days pregnant??? Do you mean three months pregnant?

she was only three days late...sorry!
i would have sent a card...too late now.

 

[swingirl]

edit

I made a comment assuming she was pregnant. 3 days late is not pregnant and there is no baby.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/23/2009 4:48:55 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/23/2009 4:44:45 PM
Author: MC
If you don''t want to continue the friendship and feel it is ''toxic,'' just send her a note saying how sorry you are about her pregnancy and then just move on from there. . .

I''m a bit confused about the part where she is three days pregnant??? Do you mean three months pregnant?

she was only three days late...sorry!
i would have sent a card...too late now.

Huh? Her period was three days late? So she only knew she was pregnant for a couple of days??? Please tell me this isn''t so. Her guilt tripping you over that is beyond mind games.

Yes, I''m downplaying her situation because I had a miscarriage like that and it was disappointing, but not like being pregnant for many months would be - which happened to me, as well. . .There is a tremendous difference.

DRAMA magnified to the highest level.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/23/2009 3:37:37 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/23/2009 3:35:49 PM
Author: princesss
Delete and ignore, honey, delete and ignore. And if you really don''t want to look at them, turn your phone on silent and just have your FI erase them all.

You deserve more than a horrible ''friend'' that does this to you.

*hug*

i just told her that i did not want her contacting me anymore and she told me that we never had a freindship and that i am a mental case..umm...ok

Don''t listen to her, that''s just her being miserable. Close the book on her, you are better off.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 1/23/2009 4:52:27 PM
Author: MC

Date: 1/23/2009 4:48:55 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 1/23/2009 4:44:45 PM
Author: MC
If you don''t want to continue the friendship and feel it is ''toxic,'' just send her a note saying how sorry you are about her pregnancy and then just move on from there. . .

I''m a bit confused about the part where she is three days pregnant??? Do you mean three months pregnant?

she was only three days late...sorry!
i would have sent a card...too late now.

Huh? Her period was three days late? So she only knew she was pregnant for a couple of days??? Please tell me this isn''t so. Her guilt tripping you over that is beyond mind games.

Yes, I''m downplaying her situation because I had a miscarriage like that and it was disappointing, but not like being pregnant for many months would be - which happened to me, as well. . .There is a tremendous difference.

DRAMA magnified to the highest level.

she had these pains and went to the hospital and they told her that she was preggo and that her hormones we not even high enough to register on a home preggo test. she also never told me that she was preggo. she told my FI on saturday when he went to pick up our stuff.. i do feel bad for her but she has ended a friendship..and i was concerned..i guess i was just too late.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Goodness, what is wrong with people these days????!!!! (Sorry for the trauma, but it sounds like you don''t need friends like that!)