Friend trouble...

[Smurfysmiles]

So one of my best friends (also a bridesmaid) has been having problems with her boyfriend. They've been together longer than me and fi (about a year) and have broken up like 4 times over the past 2 months or so. It is always her idea and he always talks her into coming back and I've tried to point out the reasons she left him and I ask her everytime why she goes back. The answer is always that they are going to work things out. They live together and now they are getting separate apartments to see if that helps...I'm not sure it will. He goes out with girls who he says are just friends to the bars all the time and without my friend. To top it off he asks her for money so he can go out with other girls, one who is his ex girlfriend I believe. During their last fight he told her she was worthless and that smurfy was her only friend and now that smurfy moved she was all alone and nobody wanted to be friends with her. He told her she was such a loser. He punches holes in their walls when they get in arguments and he has physically stopped her from leaving by blocking her and forcing her to stay. I don't believe he has hit her yet but it really wouldn't surprise me if he did which scares me and makes me really sad. I guess I don't understand why she doesn't see all these things. The last fight was so bad I convinced her to just drive to her parents house while he was sleeping and to leave him. 48 hours later they were living together again. It just is a bad all around situation. The worst part is that fi and I used to be really good friends with him and we would always do things together as a group and it was fun. I don't know what has changed in him...its like he decides he doesn't want to be with her and then decides he does. Anyways, as a result of all of this, fi and I have grown to mistrust the bf and are constantly worrying about my friend.

Fi and I moved to colorado about a month ago and my friend keeps saying when can bf and i come visit you guys! The thing is that we just are not comfortable having him around anymore or at least not until he proves himself (which I don't think is going to happen anytime soon). I really don't know what to say. I tell her that we have lost our trust in him and he needs to gain our friendship back and she just keeps asking when they can both come. I mention that if she would like to come by herself that would be great but she's like no bf would have to come too. Also at the wedding I don't know that we would want someone who has created so much sadness and anger in our friends life to be there celebrating our wedding with us, especially if he's probably just going to get drunk. On the other side, she would kill me if we did not invite him. I really just am venting a bit but I also am looking for ways to talk to her about all of this, I am just mentally exhausted on the issue. When I still lived in the same town as them she would just come and spend the night at our place when there was a fight but that's not really an option anymore. Help?

 

[PearlDahhhling]

I''m sorry about this situation Smurfy. I''ve had friends like yours in the past and unfortunately there''s really nothing you can do to help people like her. She''s very co-dependent and has an unhealthy attachment to him, and as easy as it is for you and I to see that, it is hard for her to see it. I think the best thing to do with people like her, is to give her your advice (which it sounds like you''ve done) and just let her know that you''re there for her if she needs you (which it also sounds like you''ve done). She''s going to have to make her own mistakes and learn from them, sadly enough. But just keep being there for her.

As for her and her boyfriend staying with you... It''s simple. You can let her know that you would love to see her, but that you don''t feel comfortable having her bf in your home. You said you have evidence that he can be violent, and you have every right to keep him out of you home. If she chooses to decline the invitation, then so be it. Or if she insists that he come with and you really want to see her, the two of them could always stay in a hotel and then the two of you could go shopping or something separately while her bf kept himself entertained.

As for the wedding... she''s your bridesmaid so obviously she has to come. You can let her know that you''d rather not have him come, but personally I''d feel pretty bad telling one of my BMs that her boyfriend couldn''t come to my wedding, even if I didn''t like him. But I recall reading in another one of your threads that your guest list is quite large, so you may not even notice him being there.

Best of luck.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

oops sorry for double post! dont know how to delete...

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thank you pearl, that really helped me kind of see things from an outside perspective, i didnt even stop to think about how many other people will be at the wedding

 

[oobiecoo]

I had a roommate that sounds like your friend. Her bf would do questionable things, get so drunk he peed on his computer, and would be verbally and sometimes physically abusive. She told me all these bad things when they broke up and then a month later they were back together and he was staying in our apartment! I tried to tell her I didn''t feel comfy with him being there since she said he was basically an abusive drunk and she was like "ohhh he''s not that bad". I moved. It doesn''t sound like you can do much to help your friend... but definitely don''t feel obligated to invite him to your wedding. This is YOUR day... not hers.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thanks oobie, i would think she would understand about the wedding but then again, weddings bring out other sides of people lol

 

[Sabine]

I''m sorry you are going through this. It''s so hard to be able to see that a friend is hurting and not be able to do anything, but unfortunately we can''t force people to do anything. All you can do is continue to be there for her and give her smart advice when she asks for it.

I do think you have every right to not have him in your home, and I think being consistent with that might help get through to your friend that you (a trusted friend) does not trust her bf.

However, while I can see why you wouldn''t want him at your wedding, I think it might be best to invite him if you truly want your friend to come. We cannot choose our friends'' significant others. Weddings are events where it is not really appropriate to invite a guest without inviting their SO unless that is your precedent for ALL the wedding guests. If she is committed to being with him right now, chances are if you don''t invite him, she might see it as you disrespecting her and her relationship and choose to not come too.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 12/5/2008 11:51:06 PM
Author:Smurfysmiles
He told her she was such a loser. He punches holes in their walls when they get in arguments and he has physically stopped her from leaving by blocking her and forcing her to stay. I don''t believe he has hit her yet but it really wouldn''t surprise me if he did which scares me and makes me really sad.

This man is full-on abusive. In the three sentences above ALONE, I see: mental abuse (scaring her into submission by punching the wall), physical abuse(actually physically RESTRAINING her when she tries to leave--did you know that''s actually the legal definition of kidnapping, which is a felony?), and emotional abuse (he calls her a loser).

I dunno, Smurfy. I''m all for being supportive of a dear friend, and I understand that her boyfriend has ties to the circle of friends, but this man clearly has abusive tendencies and they seem to be ramping up. He gets worse with each incident you describe, not better.

Personally? I couldn''t be supportive of this couple or this pattern. If it were me, I''d probably tell the girl straight up: "You''re always welcome in my home, but unfortunately I can''t extend the same courtesy to your boyfriend. I''m sorry." I also wouldn''t invite the man to the wedding. If there''s going to be alcohol present, I would fear for that girl''s safety after the reception ends. I would probably encourage her to leave and never go back to him.

Is there any way the guys in the group can ostracize this man? He''s exhibiting criminal tendencies, and it''s probably a good idea for your FI to not be acquainted with such an individual. He doesn''t make anyone look good, and people like this guy have a knack for getting everyone in trouble when they act up.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Ahh, the dependent friend issue... I''ve run across this many a time, and as much as you know they can do better, it''s not going to end until she has finally had enough. I had a friend who had many problems, off and on with a guy, and I can tell you stories for hours about them that would make your jaw drop. i won''t bore you with it, but let''s just say it took 2 years for them to finally be done.

It''s been my experience that you can tell her these things until you''re blue in the face, but it''s got to be her decision when she''s finally done. I know it really sucks to see a good friend being hurt so many times and keep going back, it can be very frustrating, but, when she wises up, she''ll see that you were being a good friend to her and not some b*tch that just kept telling her how bad her relationship was.

I know how awkward it can be in this situation. The only thing you can do is just keep being her friend and be there for her. She''ll finally get tired of it and realize that she can do better.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thank you for all the support and advice ladies, i appreciate it so much and i really am at a loss right now.

med- fi and this guy were the only two guys in our "group" (i have a bunch of different groups of friends who dont regularly hang out as a large group) and fi has talked to my friend and she''ll agree with us when we talk to her but then the next day everything goes back to the way it was before so i just dont know

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I am happy to report that after going out with him last night and him treating her like crap and flirting with other girls that she has finally left him!!!!!!!

Thank you ladies for all your help