Four years--how do you honor a loved one?

[Amandine]

Today my only, younger sister will be gone four years. She lost her battle with cystic fibrosis four months after her own wedding. I was very involved in planning her wedding, and planning my own without her has been very difficult. Not having her by my side at the wedding is going to be extremely difficult. It is a good part of the reason why I have chosen to do my photos before hand, because I am certain that I will cry.

My question is this: how do you honor a loved one at your wedding, without seeming sappy or inapproriate? I also ask because FI''s grandmother has some pretty serious cancer problems (which they caught much later then they should have) so we are also worried she may not make it. She is his only surviving grandparent, and he is very close to her.



In a totally unrelated sidenote, my dog, Edgar, has done his best today to make me not think about my sister Heather...I walked into an absolute nightmare of a mess when I got home from work. Lets just say if your dog can produce it from either end, you can guarantee that it was on my carpet. Upstairs in the hall, on the baseboard, in front of the TV, and in front of his bed. Ugh!

My house smells like a nightmare kennel, and I can kiss my quiet night with a movie and dinner at home good-bye. If I don''t respond quickly...its because I am using the steam cleaner!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hello! I am so sorry for your loss. We''ve lost multiple people in my family to cystic fibrosis, it is always a hard disease. I know it is still hard even though it''s been four years. We lost my grandfather eight years ago and he was always supposed to officiate over my wedding since he was a minister. We are planning on leaving a chair open up front and placing a rose on it in my Grandfather''s memory. Another tasteful way to remember someone is to have a picture there with a candle near the registration table. Just my .02. Again, I am sorry for your loss and please enjoy your day I know she would have wanted you to.

 

[Amandine]

Oh, so sad to hear that your family has had to deal with this disease multiple times! It certainly is difficult, four years does feel like nothing. There are times I see someone in profile or from behind and I think its her.

I hadn''t thought of the chair idea...but not sure if I can use the candle. My venue says no open flame, as its a historical building, but I might be able to do something in a hurricane lamp. Thank you!

 

[julabean]

I agree with Sarah. We attended a wedding last year where the bride has lost her mother. They left a chair open with a single red rose on it on one side of her father (who has since remarried). If it was possible putting her favorite flower on the chair next to your parents, that would be a very touching tribute.

 

[neatfreak]

I''m so sorry for your loss, while it does get easier, it is really hard around such special events. If she had a favorite cookie, color, cake flavor, etc. choose that for your wedding and leave a framed note somewhere explaining the significance.

 

[ladyciel]

I agree that a flower on an empty chair, or a photo display somewhere, would be a touching tribute. You could also ask the officiant to have a moment of silence as part of the opening to the ceremony or simply recognize those loved ones unable to be there. I think we might take that last approach. My grandmother passed away in January after fighting cancer. Less than a month after she died, two of my cousins (daughters of my mom''s two siblings) found out they were pregnant. They''re due one day apart, 2 weeks after my wedding in September, and were really upset that our grandma never got to hear about the babies. I''m expecting that my grandmother not being at the wedding, which will be the first family event since her death, is going to be really difficult for all of us. My two cousins also won''t be there, since they would have to travel so close to their due dates, so I think simply recognizing "those who can''t be with us today" might be best. I''m afraid that if we were to specifically honor my grandmother I wouldn''t be able to hold myself together, whereas this way I can try and focus on the two babies about to arrive.

 

[CJ2008]

I love neatfreak''s idea...

So sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[KimberlyH]

We wanted to honor DH''s father and two deceased aunts at our wedding. For our favors we planted cache pots with kalenchoe and stenciled the names of each of our guests on the pot. We also stenciled the names of DH''s deceased relatives on pots and placed them in the center of the dinner table as decoration; they weren''t obvious to most people, but we knew they were there and their purpose. We also put up our parents'' wedding pictures and all of those people we wanted to honor where in the pictures.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/15/2008 10:21:13 PM
Author: neatfreak
I''m so sorry for your loss, while it does get easier, it is really hard around such special events. If she had a favorite cookie, color, cake flavor, etc. choose that for your wedding and leave a framed note somewhere explaining the significance.

I think this is a great idea. I''m very sorry to hear about your sister.

 

[Delster]

Amandine I''m so sorry for your loss. I love neatfreak''s suggestion. Some friends of ours did something similar at their wedding - they hung wreaths from the trees behind the officiant. They didn''t mention them in the ceremony but the program explained they were there to honour their grandparents.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 4/16/2008 6:00:52 AM
Author: Delster
Amandine I''m so sorry for your loss. I love neatfreak''s suggestion. Some friends of ours did something similar at their wedding - they hung wreaths from the trees behind the officiant. They didn''t mention them in the ceremony but the program explained they were there to honour their grandparents.

Another vote for neatfreaks suggestion, I think that is a beautiful idea. So sorry for your loss...

 

[allycat0303]

I am sorry for your loss. For my FSIL''s wedding, (she had an officient though) they said, '''' we will light a candle for the people we have loss, and that couldn''t be here to share this day with us'''' as soon as that was said, the tears did not stop flowing for the wedding. It was very, very emotional

 

[Amandine]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions! I will have to poll my FI and family and see which idea they like best.

I like the favorite flower idea, she really liked daffodils but they may be a little difficult to find in October...

We also like to use roses to represent her, as cystic fibrosis is sometimes referred to as "sixty-five roses" after one young patient pronounced it that way, due to not being able to pronounce it correctly.

 

[doodle]

wow, there are some really good ideas on here! i have about ten people who have died in the last few years who otherwise would''ve been a huge part of my wedding, so i opted to take small pictures of all of them and have them attached with ribbon into the handle of my bouquet with those tiny picture frame charms (my bouquet is large and kind of hangy?? haha, i can''t think of a word for it and i have a degree in literature! how sad! anyway, i can get away with having more stuff in my bouquet without it looking odd) here''s what i''m talking about on the charms. i''m so sorry for your loss, and i wish you a beautiful wedding!

 

[appletini]

One of the weddings I went to, the grooms mother was deceased, so as part of the ceremony there was song played in her honor.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/16/2008 5:52:35 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 4/15/2008 10:21:13 PM

Author: neatfreak

I''m so sorry for your loss, while it does get easier, it is really hard around such special events. If she had a favorite cookie, color, cake flavor, etc. choose that for your wedding and leave a framed note somewhere explaining the significance.

I think this is a great idea. I''m very sorry to hear about your sister.

Ditto!

 

[Elmorton]

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your sister - and I think that having some sort of tribute to her on your wedding day is more than appropriate. A close friend of mine had a small photo frame with her dad's picture on it attached with ribbon wrapped around tbouquet so he could "walk her down the aisle," and I thought that was a really moving way to have him close to her all day.

At our wedding, we honored my grandpa and DH's grandma by placing candles next to where we stood. As my friend did for her bouquet, I found small photo frames (Xmas ornaments, actually) and tied them around the candle. We also put a note in the program explaining that "we remember those in our families who were with us today in spirit, especially...(then the names of our grandparents)."

I might have a pic...I think you can see the candles here:

 

[KCCutie]

I know it can be hard but others were right when they said it does get easier with time. We lost our grandmother to cancer 1 week before her youngest daughter''s wedding. I think the flower on an empty chair is a very nice idea. That was what she did although she chose to be a bit less subtle and opted for a bouquet of her favorite flowers with a sash that said "In Loving Memory" that was carried in when she would have been seated and placed in her seat. Most of the family cried and anyone who may not have been aware of the recent loss knew to be discreet when asking questions. As a vocalist during the ceremony it was really hard to keep my composure through the song knowing the flowers were there, but it was very touching.

I also like the idea of having her favorite cake, cookie, drink etc served at the reception with a note about it''s significance. This would be a more upbeat way to remember someone I think.

 

[anchor31]

The ladies have given you wonderful ideas so I have nothing else to add, but I wanted to tell you that I''m sorry for your loss.

 

[Amandine]

Thanks so much everyone! I love having this community to bounce ideas off of, and for asking questions. Everyone is so resourceful!

Speaking of the frames or such with the bouquet...I had thought about wrapping a locket my mother has with pictures of both of us as small girls around the bouquet stems. I am not certain I could handle a more recent picture of her, but who knows?

 

[Future Mrs Polka Dot]

Sorry, Amandine - I can''t imagine how difficult that must be. I''m sure it is so painful to not be able to share the planning and the big day with her.

I am planning to carry a picture of my grandma, who I was very close with, in a vintage locket pin, which I''m going to have the florist put on my bouquet ribbon somehow. If you look on ebay, you can find a bunch, but you also mentioned that you already have a locket from your mom. I really like the idea of having your loved one right in your hand the whole time you are saying your vows

 

[violet02]

Thanks for posting this thread Amandine.

I lost my mom when I was 9 years old and I''ve been trying to think of ways to remember her during my wedding. This has been a great help.

 

[UCLABelle]

I too am leaving empty chairs for my grandfather (who was my biggest supporter and best friend) and grandmother (who bought me my first wedding magazine at the age of 6)...on the chairs we are leaving a boutonnière for him, and a corsage for her.

It is so sad that all of our loved ones cannot be with us on our wedding day (at least in-person). I cry almost every time I think about my wedding (and because of it, I am behind). My husband-to-be and I recently finished our Catholic marriage prep, and they asked you to write a letter to someone you are grateful for that will not be at the wedding (for any reason, from death to location). I wrote to my grandparents, and cried so many tears I had to leave for over an hour to pull myself together, so I can only how the wedding day will be

 

[Amandine]

Date: 4/17/2008 2:59:43 AM
Author: UCLABelle
I too am leaving empty chairs for my grandfather (who was my biggest supporter and best friend) and grandmother (who bought me my first wedding magazine at the age of 6)...on the chairs we are leaving a boutonnière for him, and a corsage for her.

It is so sad that all of our loved ones cannot be with us on our wedding day (at least in-person). I cry almost every time I think about my wedding (and because of it, I am behind). My husband-to-be and I recently finished our Catholic marriage prep, and they asked you to write a letter to someone you are grateful for that will not be at the wedding (for any reason, from death to location). I wrote to my grandparents, and cried so many tears I had to leave for over an hour to pull myself together, so I can only how the wedding day will be

Oh, me too! FI says I should not dwell on it (he is not being cruel, is very sympathetic, but trying to be realistic. I have a tendency to dwell on things, and he knows me well.). But its so hard! I can''t not have these thoughts. I think it impacts me more because she was sick at her own wedding, and while a beautiful, treasured day for all of us, it was extremely difficult. So I associate her, her illness, and more with weddings, and it makes things more difficult. Hopefully we will be seeing our officiant this weekend, and besides being a pastor, he is also a psychologist and family friend. Perhaps he can help direct me in a way that will help, or make a suggestion or two to supplement what you ladies have provided.

Again, I appreciate all of your sympathy and am glad that others can find a way to honor those who cannot be with us through these suggestions.

 

[winston26]

I am truly sorry for your loss.
I give all of you much credit for such lovely ways to honor them. I am taking a loss so hard I don''t know how to pull myself together. See, I cried just typing this. I''m so freaked out about crying through the WHOLE ceremony that I can''t possibly have any remembrances. I''m leaning toward an upbeat favorite song of theirs at the reception and a note in the ceremony program, but it''s got to be somethiing I can''t see and dwell on. Not sure if anyone else feels that way.

 

[diamondfan]

Amandine, you have gotten great suggestions and I have no ideas but just wanted to say how sorry I am about your sister. CF is a terrible disease. I am sorry she died young, and feel for all of you who loved her.

 

[Amandine]

Date: 4/17/2008 9:07:11 PM
Author: diamondfan
Amandine, you have gotten great suggestions and I have no ideas but just wanted to say how sorry I am about your sister. CF is a terrible disease. I am sorry she died young, and feel for all of you who loved her.

Thank you.

This is such an amazing community!

I am at least happy to know that she was able to know four months of marriage to a wonderful guy, with a fantastic family (let me tell you, if you could PICK your in-laws, this is your dream family!) who lived close to them and were supportive and took care of her when we could not due to living far away. Losing a sibling is so hard...and my heart goes out to everyone else on this thread who will be missing somone(s) special at their wedding. Its nice to know you are not alone. I have to think she will be watching me from some puffy cloud in heaven, thinking, "It''s about time they got married!"

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/17/2008 10:33:40 PM
Author: Amandine

Date: 4/17/2008 9:07:11 PM

Author: diamondfan

Amandine, you have gotten great suggestions and I have no ideas but just wanted to say how sorry I am about your sister. CF is a terrible disease. I am sorry she died young, and feel for all of you who loved her.

Thank you.


This is such an amazing community!


I am at least happy to know that she was able to know four months of marriage to a wonderful guy, with a fantastic family (let me tell you, if you could PICK your in-laws, this is your dream family!) who lived close to them and were supportive and took care of her when we could not due to living far away. Losing a sibling is so hard...and my heart goes out to everyone else on this thread who will be missing somone(s) special at their wedding. Its nice to know you are not alone. I have to think she will be watching me from some puffy cloud in heaven, thinking, ''It''s about time they got married!''

I''m sure she will be.

((Hugs))!

 

[diamondfan]

You are blessed to have had a great sister.

And I am sure she is watching out for you and cheering you on.

 

[winston26]

Date: 4/17/2008 10:33:40 PM
Author: Amandine

Date: 4/17/2008 9:07:11 PM
Author: diamondfan
Amandine, you have gotten great suggestions and I have no ideas but just wanted to say how sorry I am about your sister. CF is a terrible disease. I am sorry she died young, and feel for all of you who loved her.

Thank you.

This is such an amazing community!

I am at least happy to know that she was able to know four months of marriage to a wonderful guy, with a fantastic family (let me tell you, if you could PICK your in-laws, this is your dream family!) who lived close to them and were supportive and took care of her when we could not due to living far away. Losing a sibling is so hard...and my heart goes out to everyone else on this thread who will be missing somone(s) special at their wedding. Its nice to know you are not alone. I have to think she will be watching me from some puffy cloud in heaven, thinking, ''It''s about time they got married!''

I''m sure she is! My co-worker once said about his Grandma not being there that "she had the best seat in the house". I thought that was a nice way to think of it.