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so cal girl

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How far apart in age are they? What did you like/dislike about that age gap? If you had it to do all over again, would you have them farther apart or closer together?

My son is only 3 months old, so we are definitely not ready to try for another yet, but I''m starting to think that we may try for our second sooner than originally planned. Before we had DS, I was adamant that we would not start trying for another until he hit 2 years old. Now I think maybe we might only wait a year before we start trying, so that they end up being closer to 2 years apart than 3. DH is ready for another one whenever. He even told me his friend told him we should start trying for another right now!

I know everyone is different, and different things work for different people, but I''m just looking for everyone else''s opinions on what worked for you and what didn''t.
 

Prana

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I don''t have any kids, but as of recent I have overheard several conversations of women saying that the closer their kids were in age, the easier it was for them when they were young. These women all had 4+ kids, so I assume that they know what they''re talking about
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vespergirl

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I learned in my developmental psychology courses that it is most beneficial for the CHILDREN if they are spaced at least 3 years apart. I always planned to have my children at least 3 years apart, and when my second son is born is April, he will be 3 and a half years younger than his older brother.

Here is an article written by Dr. Burton White, a leader in this field:

Closely Spaced Children
Dr. Burton White

As for the advantages of having siblings, I can think of none if the spacing is narrow (less than two and one-half or three years). The young child who must constantly compete with a close older or younger sibling (or both) is often handicapped in her development by the stress and sometimes even the danger of her situation.

There is little question in my mind that the difficulties associated with having closely spaced children under age three constitutes the single most pressing concern for families of young children. Among the hundreds of questions that have been addressed to me since the publication of The First Three Years of Life, the most common concerns this particular situation. As I''ve said (in that book and this one), there really is no way to eliminate the difficulties associated with the situation. All you can hope to do is keep the problems within reasonable limits.


Recently in my talks to groups on this subject I have used the following kind of story to express just how difficult it is for a two-year-old when a younger brother or sister arrives in the home. He''s in the same situation a woman would be in if her husband one day announced to her,


"Honey,. I''ve got wonderful news for you. Next week I''m planning to bring home someone else to live with us. It''ll be a woman; she''ll be a bit younger than you, perhaps a little bit more attractive. In any event, she''ll seem that way because I plan to spend more time with her than with you; nevertheless, we''re all going to continue to be a very happy family. You''ll get used to her presence and I very much want you not only to love her but to show how much you love her."


Most women would find this eventuality intolerable, so how on earth can we expect a two-year- old, whose whole life revolves around the home and the people who care for him, to be able to adjust to such a change? The only toddler who wouldn''t be extremely jealous and unhappy about the presence of a nine-or ten-month-old sibling would be one who had very little to lose; and the only kind of two-year-old with very little to lose would be one who had not formed a basic attachment to his own mother. In a sense, then, the resentment of a two-year-old toward a younger sibling is reasonably good proof that that older child has formed normal, beneficial ties to his mother.


It''s very important for parents to recognize that two closely spaced young siblings are living in a chronically difficult state. You shouldn''t just hope that the troubles will automatically sort themselves out. They usually do not. A special effort is needed to help both children get through their first few years together.


The problems do not often begin during pregnancy or even soon after the child is born. Normally, the older child will maintain his good temper until the new baby starts to crawl, at which point the infant not only needs more of the parents'' attention, but is also probably getting into the older child''s toys as well.


The older child may try to hit the baby or otherwise hurt him. He may regress, that is, become more babyish himself: take to crawling if he is walking; go back to a pacifier or bottle; return to negativism and tantrums; return to wetting his pants if he is already toilet trained. Or he may show signs of being unhappy, appear sad, cling to his mother, burst into tears for no apparent reason. The number of different ways in which slightly older children reveal their jealousy in such situations is remarkably large...


Hard as it is on parents, the fact is that when there are two very young children in the home, both need special attention, and the parents'' job is therefore going to be at least twice as demanding as it was before. Let me once again repeat my caveat. There is simply no way of making this situation as easy to live with as dealing with a first child only or with widely spaced children. It is very important that both parents understand that fact.



Excerpted from Chapter 6, Special Problems: "Coping With Sibling Rivalry" and "The Sibling Versus the Only Child" pp 152-156 of A PARENTS GUIDE TO THE FIRST THREE YEARS by Burton L. White Copyright 1980 Burton L. White. Published by Prentice-Hall, Inc. Englewood Cliffs, N.J. 07632.
Dr. White''s best known book. THE FIRST THREE YEARS OF LIFE. (referred to above), was first published by Prentice-Hall in 1975.Dr. White''s latest book THE NEW FIRST THREE YEARS OF LIFE, ISBN 0-684-80419-0, was released in 1995 to very flattering reviews. "...If reading Spock, Leach or Brazelton is chatting with experts over coffee, reading White is like having a professional consultation." (Publishers Weekly)
 

Pandora II

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Really interesting article Vesper.

I have a sister 20 months younger than me and I felt pretty much like that article says - I even fed her glass xmas tree ornaments (I was 2 years 4 months and she would have been 7 months at the time).

We have never got on and there was always endless competition between us.

IF we decide to have another, we will have at least a 5 year gap. Many of my friends have this and it seems to work really well. My brother is 5 years younger than me and we played together a lot as kids - probably because our relative positions in the family where so clearly defined.
 

TravelingGal

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Date: 1/4/2010 6:45:58 PM
Author: Pandora II
Really interesting article Vesper.

I have a sister 20 months younger than me and I felt pretty much like that article says - I even fed her glass xmas tree ornaments (I was 2 years 4 months and she would have been 7 months at the time).

We have never got on and there was always endless competition between us.

IF we decide to have another, we will have at least a 5 year gap. Many of my friends have this and it seems to work really well. My brother is 5 years younger than me and we played together a lot as kids - probably because our relative positions in the family where so clearly defined.
Interesting, I wonder if it''s a same sex thing Pandora?

My brother and I are 15 months apart. We got along well. Of course we fought, but I loved having him around most of the time. He was a sweet child and probably had a more feminine disposition while I had the masculine one. I really love that we are close in age.

And Pandora...what happened to Daisy being an old child? Is it because she''s so damn cute you want another one?
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Aloros

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I don''t have children of my own, but I grew up in a family where my siblings were close to my age. My brother is 3 years older than me, and my sister is 2 years younger. I had a wonderful time growing up. Sure, we had some spats, but overall we were very close. I don''t remember feeling any jealousy when my sister was born, but I do remember loving being a big sister! My parents always encouraged us to look out for one another. My sister and I hung out together more as friends, since we were closer in age.

I think maybe I was lucky, but I wouldn''t have had it any other way. I am still very close to my brother and sister, and we talk to one another regularly. We don''t live close to one another anymore, but we still try to get together once in a while and hang out. If I''m ever going through difficult times, they are always there to support me in whatever way they can.

So...I''m all for kids close together.
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Puppmom

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Wow, that article is really interesting. My mom had 4 children, three girls all 4 years apart then my brother 15 months after me. I am, by far, closest with my brother and always have been. My sisters, not so much - especially the one that''s right above me. I always thought it had something to do with what felt like an awkward age gap. Maybe it does have to do with a sibling being the opposite sex...I suppose that could create more or less competition depending on the situation.

DH and I have a 14yo DD and I''m due with our second in August...now THAT''S an age gap! We were certain we wanted two more because we felt like DD was lacking something being an only child and didn''t want to do that to this child. BUT my brother''s first (and probably only) child was born today and now we''re thinking that a cousin less than a year older might be enough for us!
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Tacori E-ring

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I have heard the same thing about 3-4 years being ideal for development. I think (hope) you just know when you are ready. Life is not a race. Enjoy your baby and you will figure out everything else along the way.
 

cara

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Not a parent but interesting article/theory, vesper. I'd be interested in knowing what happens later on to the close-in-age siblings - if in fact it is a negative developmentally in the early years, does that continue later on and result in less well-adjusted teens or something?

I had an 18 mo-old younger sibling and we definitely did not get along great for the younger years, so some parts of the article rang true. But who is to say that having that younger sibling and the associated stress didn't make me better able to deal or give certain benefits to my development? Or that the times when we did get along and act as playmates wasn't a reasonable tradeoff for the negatives of a close-in-age sibling? My younger sis did partly decide who to be in opposition to me, she made different schooling choices and other choices to differentiate herself. But that is not necessarily a bad thing, and I think it happens in any family with multiple children to some extent. And when we were in high school and after, we became good friends and being close in age enabled us to be peers earlier. Especially in contrast to our much younger brother - in some ways, he grew up with four adults around to give him instructions and no 'kid' around that wanted to play with him. Even now as he is a young twentisomething, my sister and I are young thirtisomethings and so much older it is hard to relate to him or talk with him about his life without it appearing like more 'advice' from the older ones. Even if we remember our young twenties *pretty* well, the age gap is just a bit too much for us to be typical siblings that share an upbringing. Because we didn't really have the same ones: our parents were different people by the time he was around, and while we have some overlap in experiences, there are also some pretty significant differences.

I will say that I see both sides. There are economies of scale to having your kids close together and at reasonably similar stages of development at the same time, and there are advantages to spacing them out such that you don't have more than one in diapers at any one time, or more than one kid's college payments, etc.

One point is that I don't think that second wife analogy is exactly fair - at least not in our culture where women are competent adults with rational expectations of a marriage between two people. And also, from a evolutionary standpoint, you tend to get less than three-year child spacing in fertile couples without modern birth control methods. Two-year child spacing is pretty common, obviously with some high variability: anything from Irish twins to gaps of many years, sometimes from high infant and child mortality and not just pregnancy spacing. So if a sibling-spacing of less than three years is a stressor or detrimental to child development, then it must be a reasonable tradeoff made in hopes of increasing reproduction and not TOO harmful to the kids.
 

packrat

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We''d planned on having the kids about 18 months apart, like my brother and I, figuring we get along so well, it sounded right to us..but then when London was getting towards being 9 mo old and we started talking about it, I wasn''t ready to share my time with another baby right then. London was a little over 3 when Trapper was born. Some ways it was nice b/c she was potty trained, and just a good kid. In other ways it was harder b/c we had a terrific schedule with her and we''d become used to doing things that way. And then Trapper came along and everything was SO different. That part makes me wonder if it would''ve been easier having them closer together so it wasn''t so much "Crap, what did we do w/London? How did we get her to do this or that? How old was she when we did X?" Maybe we''d''ve had things a little fresher in our minds so it wasn''t like we were totally starting over again. But, once we got things situated w/Trapper and spent some time talking about having another, if we''d gone forward w/it, we would''ve done the same thing and waited until about now, to have the age difference between them again.
 

asscherisme

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Date: 1/4/2010 5:23:53 PM
Author:so cal girl
How far apart in age are they? What did you like/dislike about that age gap? If you had it to do all over again, would you have them farther apart or closer together?

My son is only 3 months old, so we are definitely not ready to try for another yet, but I''m starting to think that we may try for our second sooner than originally planned. Before we had DS, I was adamant that we would not start trying for another until he hit 2 years old. Now I think maybe we might only wait a year before we start trying, so that they end up being closer to 2 years apart than 3. DH is ready for another one whenever. He even told me his friend told him we should start trying for another right now!

I know everyone is different, and different things work for different people, but I''m just looking for everyone else''s opinions on what worked for you and what didn''t.
Child 1 is 2 years 5 months older than Child 2
Child 2 is 3 years to the day apart from child 3
Child 3 is one year apart from Child 4

One day I think child 4 might figure out she was our suprise baby because NOBODY in thier right mind would plan to have their 4th child one year after their 3rd child
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Total space between Child 1 and Child 4 is 6 1/2 years. So I had 4 babies in 6 years.

However, the real challenge was that after number 1, I had 3 babies in 4 years.

OR, if you are looking at just the last 2 I had 2 babies in a year and they were not twins!

That being said, the early years were TOUGH TOUGH, TOUGH. First it was just the challnege of finding energy and time. Then as they started to get a bit older, it because evident that some had special needs and figuring out what the issues were and then realizing over time more than one chlid was affected put me in a dark place. Those were the dark years. My youngest is now 6 and my oldest is 13 and having a young teenage boy who thinks he is 17 but is 13 is really challenging. My child behind him is in puberty as well. 2 kids going through puberty under one roof is an emotinal roller coaster some days!! Moody and touchy are the key words.

I will say that if you have any stress or problems in your marriage, kids will magnify it, expecially if you have multiple kids.

Now, all that being said, I would not change a thing about the timing.

Interesting to note that a lot has to do with personalty and not age gap. My oldest is a total loner and really spends little time with his siblings even though that makes me sad
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My next younger child adores her 2 younger siblings even though they are 3 and 4 years younger. She plays with them MUCH more than her brother thats less than 2 1/2 years apart from her because he is mean to her and her younger siblings adore her.


Another SUPER hard thing was that I never had any support with the kids. It was pretty much me and the kids. (even when married). I had no parents to help out or siblings, or even grandparents to help. I found that hard. I did when the kids were younger use a cleaning service sometimes just to keep my sanity.

My sanity still hangs by a thread many days :) When you have multiple kids its easy to forget who you are and important to not let that happen. But I''m thankful for my kids.

I don''t regret having them close together and would do that again if I had the choice.
 

Clio

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My girls are almost exactly two years apart, and their brother is 3.5 years behind the younger girl.

The kids are all very close, the girls especially. It''s a little hard right now as the older girl is in middle school and doing/feeling things that are different from her sister, who is still in elementary school. The younger girl is feeling a little left out as her sister enters adolescence.

Still, they all get along together very well (with the occasional bickering!).

My sister and I were also 2 years apart, and we are very, very close. We fought during the early adolescent years, but that was a brief blip in an otherwise great relationship.
 

vespergirl

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I forgot to mention when I posted the article that I have two brothers - the first is 4.5 years older than me, and the second is 5.5 years younger than me. All 3 of us siblings got along great, even with the age gap. In fact, my brothers who are 10 years apart were very close until my older brother left home for grad school.

Besides reading that it''s good for the kids to have a 3 year gap, I''ve heard from friends and family that it can be easier on the parents as well. You are not dealing with two irrational babies at the same time, but a baby and an older child. I look at the great difference in the way that my son can communicate and understand things between the ages of 2 and 3, and I''m so glad that he''ll be 3.5 when the baby comes. He''s such a little man now, and he is so excited about the baby coming, so I''m hoping that he''s old enough to not be too jealous when the little one comes, and understand when I need to tend to the baby.
 

curlygirl

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Interesting article, Vesper and also very hard to read for someone who has children that are 17 months apart! I have heard that it''s best to have them less than 18 months or more than 4 years apart but who knows what''s really the best.

Mine are now 2 1/2 and 15 months and for the most part, they really like each other. They hug and kiss and hold hands and play together. I think the greater problem is not with the younger one but with the older one who thinks everything is hers and has a hard time sharing. I''m not looking forward to the day that they start competing with each other over anything but I think that''s part of most sibling relationships anyway.

I will say that it was tough when the little one was a baby but since she started walking at 10 months and is highly self-sufficient with an incredibly sunny disposition, it''s been pretty great having them close together. My ideal would have been to have them 2 years apart but now that I look back on it and realize I''m TOFTS (thanks, TGal!), I''m glad I got it over with. I''m now a fan of baby bunching and would recommend it but I think you also have to be a certain type of person to be able to handle it. Fortunately, DH and I are both laid back and don''t feel the need to plan every single aspect of our lives down to the minutiae which is why we ended up with 2 children in a one bedroom condo but we know how to make it work without getting overly stressed out!

It''s not an easy decision and if I hadn''t received my lovely surprise baby, I would have been totally against having them so close together. But since I''m living the life, I don''t think it''s so bad!
 

Bella_mezzo

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I''m not a mom yet, but I am 2 yrs 3 months older than my one brother, and I am 5 years 6 months older than my other brother (plus my mom had a miscarriage between my brothers). We had some spats growing up, and the teenaged years were rough, but the younger years were great and now things are great. I think it''s a great age gap (especially if your first is a girl b/c they are a little more developmentally advanced in the early years
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). My mom liked the spaced and would not have wanted it further apart.

Also, I was a live-in nanny for a family whose daughter was 4 years older than her twin brother. Bad situation!!! She was miserable, hated them, and was quite violent towards them (despite having one on one attention from her stay at home mom after they were born.)

Of course there are a lot of other factors than birth order/timing in these situations, but that''s my experience. most of my friends have their second when their first is somewhere between 18 mo and 30 months and they each think those are pretty good spacings...I think everyone is different and you''ll know when you want to go for a second.

Then again, what do I know, we''re just now trying for number 1
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upgrade

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My kids are 4 1/2 years apart. It wasn''t my intent to have them that far apart but I have to say that I''m SO glad it worked out that way. I feel like it''s been better for them because there''s been very little jealousy- the older one was far removed enough from being the baby that he didn''t see the new baby as a threat to his place in the family. Big boy stuff was far more enticing than baby stuff anyway. He had enough years of undivided attention that he was very secure when the baby came home and was just happy to be a big brother.

For me, it''s been fabulous. I love the pre kindergarten years so I feel like I''ve had the opportunity to experience and enjoy that special time twice, rather than have it all blend together. I got to really focus on each of them and give each my undivided attention for a good portion of the day. Having a baby at home when the older child is off at school is great- there was plenty of alone time like that with my oldest, and now I get to have it with my youngest too.

A friend with 4 grown children told me that she thinks that if you''re going to have a bunch of kids, just do it and get the baby stage over with, but if you''re only having 2, space it out and enjoy them.
 

rockpaperscissors67

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My kids are 4 1/2 years, 19 months, 5 years and 6 years apart. The newest will be a little over 3 years younger than the 5th.

When #3 was born only 19 months after his sister, I figured it was no big deal. Lots of kids are close in age and we were getting it over with (I thought #3 would be IT!). I realized much later how much my daughter missed out on. She was only a toddler but we suddenly expected her to act much older than her age. She missed out on so much "baby" time and I still feel badly about it. It''s interesting to me now that she has a much different personality than the other kids. While they are all pretty boisterous, my older daughter has always been more introverted and private. It could just be the way she''s wired, though.

Large age gaps aren''t for everyone obviously, but I like them. There''s plenty of time for the family to adjust to a new sibling and get the new dynamics down before changing things again. Having much older kids at the same time as an infant is *really* fun and interesting, too. My older kids might argue with each other, but they all completely dote on our 3 year old.

Note that our ages were the only reason that we''re doing this again so soon. I''m 42 and SO is 48; we actually tried for 15 months before getting pregnant. If not for our ages and declining fertility, I''d have been happy to have another 5 year age difference.
 

softly softly

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Date: 1/4/2010 11:12:45 PM
Author: curlygirl
Interesting article, Vesper and also very hard to read for someone who has children that are 17 months apart! I have heard that it''s best to have them less than 18 months or more than 4 years apart but who knows what''s really the best.

Mine are now 2 1/2 and 15 months and for the most part, they really like each other. They hug and kiss and hold hands and play together. I think the greater problem is not with the younger one but with the older one who thinks everything is hers and has a hard time sharing. I''m not looking forward to the day that they start competing with each other over anything but I think that''s part of most sibling relationships anyway.

I will say that it was tough when the little one was a baby but since she started walking at 10 months and is highly self-sufficient with an incredibly sunny disposition, it''s been pretty great having them close together. My ideal would have been to have them 2 years apart but now that I look back on it and realize I''m TOFTS (thanks, TGal!), I''m glad I got it over with. I''m now a fan of baby bunching and would recommend it but I think you also have to be a certain type of person to be able to handle it. Fortunately, DH and I are both laid back and don''t feel the need to plan every single aspect of our lives down to the minutiae which is why we ended up with 2 children in a one bedroom condo but we know how to make it work without getting overly stressed out!

It''s not an easy decision and if I hadn''t received my lovely surprise baby, I would have been totally against having them so close together. But since I''m living the life, I don''t think it''s so bad!
Huge ditto to this Curly! In fact little in that article rang true to me based on my experience. I had my kids 18 months apart and while I did find the first couple of years draining at times, I really don''t think my eldest suffered too much as a consequence - but then I am a big believer that kids are far more adaptable than we are inclined to give them credit for.

My son adored his sister from the moment he saw her. He was put out with me for a couple of days after I got home from the hospital, but seemed to get over it fairly quickly. Nearly 4 years later they get along beautifully for the most part (they have their moments, but I would assume that happens with most siblings). In fact lately I''ve had to make a concerted effort to give them opportunities to socialise independantly as they tend to stick together and rely on each other in social situations.

Interestingly enough my son who is the eldest has never appeared jealous or competetive towards his younger sister. Even as a very young toddler he was always happy to share my lap and attention, and for the most part, his toys. My daughter on the other hand is another story - she will sometimes try to push him off her lap,wants to go first etc, which leads me to believe that sibling relationships are as much based on the individual personalities of the child as they are how far apart they are in age. I think having my kids so close together has worked for us because my son had the right sort of personality. Had my daughter been born first I suspect things would have been vastly different.

Lastly I think gaining a sibling is always going to be a big adjustment at any age, so I doubt there is ever an ideal age to introduce one.
 

Pandora II

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Date: 1/4/2010 6:53:14 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Interesting, I wonder if it''s a same sex thing Pandora?

My brother and I are 15 months apart. We got along well. Of course we fought, but I loved having him around most of the time. He was a sweet child and probably had a more feminine disposition while I had the masculine one. I really love that we are close in age.

And Pandora...what happened to Daisy being an old child? Is it because she''s so damn cute you want another one?
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LOL, I''m 90% certain that she will be an only, but I''ve learnt to never say ''never'' about such things in my life... DH and I have decided to review in 2014 and decide then. We''re both from big families so the ''only child'' thing is not an easy concept for us.

Actually Daisy puts me off wanting another - she just a little too cute at times
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and I''m getting TOFTS for sure!


Author: Cara

And also, from a evolutionary standpoint, you tend to get less than three-year child spacing in fertile couples without modern birth control methods.
Not necessarily true. A lot of more ''primative'' societies had/have age gaps of around 4 years due to the contraceptive effects of extended breastfeeding. Early weaning is a very modern and western concept. In many cultures breast-feeding until the age of 5 or over is perfectly acceptable. From an evolutionary standpoint it would be disadvantageous to have two small children both needing a great deal of care from the mother in a short space of time - otherwise the function of lactional amenorrhea would seem to be redundant.

ETA: By using the term ''primative'' I mean it in any kind of negative context, I just couldn''t find a better word...
 

Jas12

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Re: the article Vesper posted. I was reading thinking, OMG my poor son (he will be 26 mos when the new baby arrives--smack dab in the ''bad zone''). Can I take this pregnancy back. haha. too late.
But my sister and I are also close to that age difference (26 mos) and we are (and according to my mom, always were) best of friends with the usual sibling spats when we were younger. And when I think about all my friends who are close to their siblings, they are ALL close in age. So maybe it is more difficult at first, but with benefits later??
I think the example of a new woman coming into the house as a parallel for what the child is experiencing is absolutely ridiculous. Parent/child relationships are so much more different than a sexual/economic/partnership adult relationship of a marriage so I don''t put much stock in that .
But I also don''t doubt that a child has major adjustment issues when a new baby comes along. This scares me a bit, I’ll admit. But in many ways it is unavoidable. Even the parents go thru this & sometimes that is extremely troublesome & stressful on the best of marriages. But this trauma can happen regardless of age. A friend of mine just had her second child. Her daughter is 5 and I asked how she adjusted and she said overall good, but she was doing strange things like talking like a baby, wanting a special blanket and showing hugely clingy behavior. So obviously after many years of ''ruling the roost'' the new baby is making an impact on her perceive status in the family. I am just curious, why is age 3-4 the magic age? Isn''t this assuming that all 3-4 year olds are capable of the same emotional adjustment? I dunno, I am probably just trying to make myself feel better for choosing a closer age gap (on purpose) but such an article raises questions and ignores other realities like women no longer having the luxury of waiting many years b/w babies, the close friendships that develop b/w closely spaces babies, the benefits of getting all the diaper/crying years over--if that is good for your family-...
bottom line, there is much to consider when family planning, it''s tough, but just do what feels right and give your kids lots of love> lots of love is the most important thing, period.
Just my 2 cents
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janinegirly

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Very interesting article. Although almost everyone around me has the kids 2 years or less apart. I think mostly due to age since we all start late around here.

For me, #2 is very much an "if". DH is even more unsure than me. But if there is #2, I am aiming for 3 years apart..but based on my own reasoning, so it''s kind of funny that it''s considered ideal by this particular person. To me it just seemed a bit less stressful to have the 1st out of diapers and more congnizant/commuicative (and hopefully out of terrible 2''s)? Another thought that came to mind was college. Having 2 in college at the same time si tough! 3 years means that overlap is down to 1 year. I would even consider 4 years apart except probably too old for that to be an option!
 

vespergirl

Ideal_Rock
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Jan 29, 2007
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Date: 1/4/2010 11:19:07 PM
Author: upgrade
My kids are 4 1/2 years apart. It wasn''t my intent to have them that far apart but I have to say that I''m SO glad it worked out that way. I feel like it''s been better for them because there''s been very little jealousy- the older one was far removed enough from being the baby that he didn''t see the new baby as a threat to his place in the family. Big boy stuff was far more enticing than baby stuff anyway. He had enough years of undivided attention that he was very secure when the baby came home and was just happy to be a big brother.

For me, it''s been fabulous. I love the pre kindergarten years so I feel like I''ve had the opportunity to experience and enjoy that special time twice, rather than have it all blend together. I got to really focus on each of them and give each my undivided attention for a good portion of the day. Having a baby at home when the older child is off at school is great- there was plenty of alone time like that with my oldest, and now I get to have it with my youngest too.

A friend with 4 grown children told me that she thinks that if you''re going to have a bunch of kids, just do it and get the baby stage over with, but if you''re only having 2, space it out and enjoy them.
Upgrade, my feelings on this mirror yours exactly. Part of me wanting my kids 3-4 years apart had to do with wanting to fully enjoy and focus on the older child as long as possible. When DH was around 18 months, I couldn''t imagine wanting another kid to take my focus away from him at that time. I''m having a hard enough time worrying about him having to split his attention with the new baby when he''s almost 4!
 

cara

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Date: 1/5/2010 10:50:56 AM
Author: Pandora II
Author: Cara
And also, from a evolutionary standpoint, you tend to get less than three-year child spacing in fertile couples without modern birth control methods.
Not necessarily true. A lot of more ''primative'' societies had/have age gaps of around 4 years due to the contraceptive effects of extended breastfeeding. Early weaning is a very modern and western concept. In many cultures breast-feeding until the age of 5 or over is perfectly acceptable. From an evolutionary standpoint it would be disadvantageous to have two small children both needing a great deal of care from the mother in a short space of time - otherwise the function of lactional amenorrhea would seem to be redundant.

ETA: By using the term ''primative'' I mean it in any kind of negative context, I just couldn''t find a better word...

But the contraceptive effects of lactation are reduced once the child is also getting food from an additional source. Even societies with extended breastfeeding are not usually exclusively breastfeeding after age 1, unless there is a lot of food stress in the situation. In which case you would have reduced fertility from the nutritional stress on the mother in addition to the lactation. But many ''primative'' societies have at least periods of amply food supply. I''m not an expert on this by any means, and I would expect wide variety in different cultures based on the breastfeeding, sexual activity, and food supply patterns. Two year child spacing came up a bit in some American history classes IIRC, once in ship''s logs of pre-colonial immigrating families and once in some other kind of record from the 19th century - maybe census or gravestones? Either way, clearly there is a tradeoff between nuturing the one child as optimally as possible and giving ample restorative time to the mother and having another child sooner so as to increase overall reproduction rate. Five year child spacing *might* work in some modern societies with good mortality rates through adulthood, but would be a bit long for many pre-modern societies with worse child mortality rates and need for higher reproductive rates from their fertile women.
 

Jas12

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2,330
vesper--i worried/still worry about ''splitting'' my time too. I voiced this concern to my mom and she reminded me that the time splitting is really only for much less than a year and then the developmental gap diminishes and your time is actually less split. This does make sense to me. When the new baby is a newborn, yes, it really takes away from the toddler b/c the care is demanding . But once the new baby is mobile (and the early years that follow) then the siblings can do things together and are in a similar age and stage. So while spacing the kids has the advantage early on, it makes activities later more difficult b/c the 2 kids are in very different activities and mom can''t do 2 things at once. I guess if the kid is in school by then it doesn''t matter so much, but just something else to consider...
 

Burk

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Mine will be right at 2 years apart when I have the second next month. I always wanted my kids to be 3 years apart because that''s how far apart my sister and I are and we''re very close. DH wanted to have them closer together because he and his brother are 14 months apart and extremely close. So, we sort of compromised. I think my almost 2 year old will be a great big sister and she is so excited for her "broder" to get here. We shall see, though.

I think it all depends on a lot of different factors (are the kids the same sex, are the parents around a lot, does mom have "help" when new baby arrives, the two kids personalities and demeanor, the list goes on). No matter how old the first child is when the second comes there is going to be a split in time. Everyone just has to do what is best for their family.
 

parrot tulips

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Feb 13, 2007
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Hmmm...no input as a parent, but I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED having sisters 2 & 3 years younger than myself. The 3 of us have always been best friends, always looking out for each other and supporting one another, and have a lot of overlaps in our friendships. Yes, there was a tendency for people to compare us (grades, looks, etc.), but none of us ever took it very seriously. And while there were occasional spats (as there always are between siblings), there was never any sense of competition. As much as I cherished my experience, though, I always wonder how my mother managed to work (full time from home, plus all the cooking and a lot of the cleaning) and raise a 3 y.o., a 1 y.o. and a newborn all at the same time!
 

mia1181

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Date: 1/5/2010 2:56:21 PM
Author: Burk
Mine will be right at 2 years apart when I have the second next month. I always wanted my kids to be 3 years apart because that''s how far apart my sister and I are and we''re very close. DH wanted to have them closer together because he and his brother are 14 months apart and extremely close. So, we sort of compromised. I think my almost 2 year old will be a great big sister and she is so excited for her ''broder'' to get here. We shall see, though.

I think it all depends on a lot of different factors (are the kids the same sex, are the parents around a lot, does mom have ''help'' when new baby arrives, the two kids personalities and demeanor, the list goes on). No matter how old the first child is when the second comes there is going to be a split in time. Everyone just has to do what is best for their family.
Super ditto on these two points.

Of all of the sibling groups that I know those with a u] competetive than those who have a 3 or 4 year difference. while it may be confusing to a two year old when the new baby comes home, very shortly he/she won''t even remember what it was like not having a sibling. sure, freud might argue that there will still be lingering subconscious issues, but you can bet that a 3 or 4 year old will for sure notice the difference between life with/without a sibling. it also gets really annoying when the new baby starts ruining all of the older child''s toys or the child starts being told that he can''t do things because of his little brother or sister (can''t go to the park because baby needs to nap, can''t climb on something because baby will want to try). a 3 or 4 year old has had years of getting used to being the center of mom and dad''s attention and now suddenly life has changed.

And what about twins? Twins can be competetive too, they are not only competing for parental attention, but also for a sense of identity outside the family. But many twins are veeery close. Of course there are some that are not (although I''d bet the minority) and this could probably be because of the various factors Burk mentioned.

Of my 5 siblings and I, the ones who are the closest are the ones closest in age. I have a sister who is 15 months older than me and a brother who is only 13 months younger than me. Growing up, we were always very close and still are today. We were never competitive as children, my sister is a bit competitve as an adult but we still are very close. I always loved being so close in age particularly with my sister. People always asked if we were twins and now it''s fun when people try and guess who is older. We always knew the same people but had our own friends. Developmentally we were always so close, but because we weren''t twins we didn''t HAVE to be doing the same thing together all the time. It really was like being twins but without a lot of the drawbacks (although my mother did dress us alike a lot, ewww!).

I just think I would have my second child whenever I am ready. The kids will survive either way.
 

so cal girl

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Mar 22, 2007
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280
Thanks for all the input. There are a lot of interesting points being brought up.

I have to agree with what some said about temperment having a lot to do with it. The age difference, I think, plays a secondary role to personality conflicts in a lot of sibling issues. I am 2 and half years younger than my sister, and we are just total opposites, so we never got along. But I have plenty of friends with siblings spaced apart the same amount, or even closer, that they get along great with.

My husband is an identical twin, and he thinks it is the greatest thing ever. He loves that he always had a built in playmate. I think that is why he is such a proponent for having children close together. But of course they have similar personalities, which helps out a lot. They have a brother who is 3 years and 1 month older than them, and they never really got along with him until they were adults, as he has a totally different personality type than them.

Does anyone notice that the sibling rivalry tends to diminish if the children are of the opposite sex? Since we can''t really determine our children''s sex, this doesn''t really factor into the decision when ot have another, I just find it interesting.

janinegirly - Your reasons why you would like your children spaced 3 years apart are exactly what mine were. Now I''m just thinking I''d like to get those diaper years over as fast as possible!

The discussion so far has led me to a couple of other questions. Did your age factor into how close you spaced your children? I know a lot of us would like to have all of our children born by the time we/our husbands are a certain age, so I think that might be a factor. Also, does the number of kids you plan/planned contribute to your decision? If you plan on having a lot of kids, you''d most likely space them closer together, right?
 

ChinaCat

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So Cal- I just have the one, but my decision to have or not have another child and how close in age they will be is absolutely dictated by my age. I am an "older" first time mom. My choices would probably be totally different if I was in my 20''s. I would wait much longer b/w kids. I don''t have that luxury, so IF we have another, they will be closer in age.

FWIW, I have a friend that accidentally got preggo with her 2nd while her 1st was 7 months old. She said it was absolute hell for the first 2 years, but now it''s great b/c they play together (both boys, btw). Anyways, she said if she HAD to have kids close together, then her rec would be to wait until the 1st is 20 months old. For her at least, having a newborn and a 20 month old was doable. Something about how the 20 month old could get in and out of the car by himself, etc., that made it not as miserable. So I''ve kind of held on to that in the back of my mind.

Interested to know if moms of kids at least 20 months old would concur on this. Of course, every kid is different, so who knows.
 

yssie

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I don''t have any siblings, but FI is the youngest of three - older sister (a couple of years) and older brother (7 years).


From what I''ve heard he has always gotten along really well with his sister, but he has some less-than-fond childhood memories of being bullied by his older brother.
 
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