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For those not living together before marriage - what are your experiences?

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LilyKat

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Let me start by saying this thread is NOT about the merits of living together or not, as I think that has been covered enough! This is for those who have chosen not to live with their SO before marriage for any reason.

What is/was your pattern of spending time together? Do you go on away on holiday together? For those waiting to be "intimate" until after marriage, did you spend nights at each others' places? Did you find it difficult being apart, and if so how did you deal with this?
 

ImpatientOne

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We did not live together prior to marriage. In the beginniing, we dated pretty much every weekend. Due to work restraints, we only saw one another on weeknights a few times per month. After we became serious, we began spending Friday evening thru Sunday evenings together. Yes, we did go on vacations together as well...
 

KimberlyH

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We were long distance for the first year, we saw each other every 3-6 weeks, depending on our schedules.

When I moved we had dinner together every night and spent our weekends together too. I can't recall a day that we didn't see each other if we were both in town.
 

princesss

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Can I play? BF and I don''t live together (though we haven''t decided if/when we will move in together).

We try to see each other every day, even if it''s only for 20 or 30 minutes. On weekends it varies since he waits tables, and weekends are when the money comes in, but Monday is our dedicated date night. We''ll cook dinner, go for a bike ride, watch a movie, or just watch our favourite shows, but the emphasis is on being together and doing something we enjoy.

We do take trips together (when we can afford it), and I find that traveling together really helps me connect with him. It gets us away from everyday life and we work together as a team. It works really well for us.
 

trillionaire

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FI and I are LDR, so we see each other every 3-4 weeks on average. It has been really good for us in general because we were pretty young when we began dating (20/21), at it really gave us a chance to grow as individuals, to mature on our own, figure out how to be adults, pursue school and career, and still love and support one another. We''ve known each other for nearly 9 yrs, so there are no mysteries anyway. We would spend weekends together, or a week or two during summers, and one time we stayed together for 3 months when I worked in his area (my alternate plans fell through). It was very easy and manageable, so I think we feel confident that we will be fine when we DO move in together.

I am just not comfortable taking on leases, loans, mortagages, etc with someone who has not made a formal commitment to me, and I am soooooo glad that I waited for that. Whether we move in together before or after we get married, I am still really excited about the little changes... getting a ''family plan'' for our cell phones
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I get to do this with my FIANCE! Whooooohooo! Shopping for our home or new apartment, or furniture, or anything for our lives together will be an experience that is unique and specific to my FI/Hubby, and that''s precisely how I want it.

No man has been to me what he has been. No other live-in boyfriends, no one that I loved the same way, or trusted the same way... he''s the only one that I ever plan to formally share a life with.
 

LamborghiniGirl

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I''ll play!

BF and I are in a long distance relationship, where the drive to see each other is 3 hours each way- so it could be worse, but it still is a hassle. I have a condo I love in a city, and he has a house about 15 minutes outside a city, which he likes, but will probably sell and move in a few years. During the year (Sept.-May) we see each other about once every 2-3 weeks. It makes it all the more special when we do see each other and we are so excited when we do spend time.

Last summer I ''lived'' with BF for about a month, where I just slept at his house, did my laundry here, got groceries, etc, but still had my condo of course. This summer, I have been staying at his place for the past 2ish months and will stay here through August. So we do have the benefit of knowing what we are "like" living together on a day-to-day basis, without actually living together. These two summers have made us confident that we could live together when we get married, so we don''t have the fear that we are crazy incompatible and would kill each other with random annoyances lol.

He knows that I will not officially move in together, as in get a house of our own, together, until we are married. That way something will distinguish the transition to being married, other than the wedding itself.
 

ringless

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I lived with my beau for almost 3 years (we've been dating for almost 8 in Sept.) After our lease was up the third year we both mutually decided we would wait until we were married when we lived together again. We only lived together before for financial reasons, not because we were ready to. Now as the years pass, and we know marriage is in our near future (2011?) I feel a strong urge to live together again when we get engaged. We've had some talks about it, but I would definitely like to approach the subject again when we are actually engaged. It all depends on the timing and how we both feel about it, but it would also be really nice to wait and have it be that much more special.
 

Erin

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I will not live together before marriage because I did that once and it seemed to perpetuate the never ending limbo.

That said, my current bf and I both work Mon-Fri, but he has his children every other weekend - so those are the weekends I spend with ma girls or my family. Otherwise I pretty much spend the night there every night - leave at 5:45am and come home to get ready for work. I live six minutes away.

We try to each lunch together 3-4 times a week. Actually we spend a lot of time together and neither of us has brought up living together. I think it''s even more important that we don''t until marriage because his children stay there often - and I never sleep there when they are there.
 

LilyKat

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Thanks everyone! My boyfriend and I are semi-long distance (as in a few hours drive apart) at the moment, but he''s about to move to my city, so it got me thinking about how often we would see each other while not living together. It''s great to hear it sounds like you''ve all had good experiences making it work.
 

Dandi

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DH and I did not live together when we were dating. He owned his own home and I lived between there and my parent's place (we only lived 20 minutes away from each other), naturally he wanted me at his house more often than not! It was good to know we had our own space/places though, and could utilise that any time we needed, because learning to live together does have its challenges! Plus I was studying at uni full time and working every other day, so living with ma and pa at that stage was fantastic!!
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I bought my first house on my own at about the 3 year mark in our relationship. For us it wasn't a question of 'if', it was a question of 'when' we would be engaged, so I knew for sure I'd be moving out of mum and dad's house, and straight into shared finances and responsibilities with DH. I only lived in my place for a year until DH and myself found the perfect block of land to build our dream home on, and DH proposed to me just after we bought it and started building. He knew I wanted that level of commitment before cohabitating.

Although I knew DH was my 'forever', part of me bought that house on my own not only as a sound investment, but so that I knew that if for some forsaken reason DH and I didn't work out, that I would be fine on my own - that I could cope with a mortgage and all the responsibilities of owning a home and supporting myself. It paid off in the end too, because we sold both places after having mine for 5 years, and gave our current mortgage a good shalacking
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I hope that all made sense!!
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I needed that piece of total independence before joining forces with my DH. Mind you I was only 17 when we met, so there wasn't any hurry! He was 24 and happy to be independent at that stage too, which suited me fine!

Weird, I know, but that's me in a nutshell
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Haven

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We didn''t live together before we were married, and we dated for four long years.

During the school year (I''m a teacher) we spent nearly every weekend together. I''d usually stay at his place on the weekends. We would often see each other on Wednesdays, when he would come stay with me, but if I had too much work to do he didn''t come over.
During the summer we had less of a schedule because I had pretty much nothing to do. We spent much more time together during summers.

We did vacation together. We went on trips just the two of us, trips with our families, and trips with friends before we were married.

I''m really happy we waited to move in together. Our first year of marriage was so much fun, and I imagine it only gets better after this!
 

ts44

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My boyfriend and I do not live together despite him asking me to move in with him several times. We see each other every day and spend every night together whether it''s at my place or his, as we only live two blocks away from each other. It''s a 4 minute walk. I live with my sister and didn''t want to stick her with the full rent by moving out.

We have gone on vacations together as well, my family automatically invites him to every event that I am invited to and likewise for his family and me. It''s pretty well-accepted in both camps that it''s only a matter of time before a ring comes out.
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People in true long-distance relationships might think I''m a big weenie but if I don''t see him for more than a day or two it gets really tough, and he feels the same way. People always ask us how we spend so much time together after dating for so long and not get sick of each other, and we don''t really have an answer, it just feels right to spend that much time together! I''m sure that moving in together won''t be a major adjustment for us.
 

atroop711

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we lived together before we were married...We had already planned our wedding when the opportunity to buy CHEAP in NYC so we took it. It was a little over a year before we had planned to marry but that was fine. I''m glad I did because the first year (from what I heard and experienced) was hard. I had lived on my own for many years beforehand...he hadn''t. It took time and patience to compromise on things and to respect limits. It''s like on the job training...it takes time to get into a groove. I DIDN''T go into it with a fantasy of how it was going to be...I had known that he had habits I didn''t like but now they were going to be very real habits I had to deal with. I have 3 kids and when they get older...if they want to live with their fiances...I will give it my blessing.
 

Revana03

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My bf and I met in college at the fall of ''05 ; he was a senior at the time and i was a freshman. By the time he graduated in May ''06 we both knew that we''d be in the relationship for the long haul. So for three long school years he''d make the 3-hr drive out to visit me at college 2-3 times each month and I would visit him when i could (and on breaks obviously). When we''re both at home we still live an hour and a half apart from each other. Now that I have finally graduated we see each other two times each week (which is a 10,000% improvement from when I was still at school
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) and try to spend weekends together at his parents shore house as much as possible.
We very much look forward to moving in together but he understands that my parents, being as traditional/religious as they are, will not approve of pre-marital cohabitation without AT LEAST a ring on my finger.
To summarize, not living together before marriage/engagement is absolutely possible and can be a wonderful learning/growing experience for both!! :)
 

suchende

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My boyfriend and I have been living together for the summer because we''re LD while he attends law school, but got an internship in my city. It''s been a great compromise between living together and not. I don''t really want to live together before marriage for personal reasons, but it''s cool to emulate the experience for a set limit.

We''ve learned a lot about each other, had a few domestic-related arguments ("What do you mean, put my hair straightener away? It BELONGS on the counter!") and also had a lot of fun.
 

Munchkin

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Nov 3, 2004
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We dated for 8 years before we were married. Here is a breakdown of how our time was spent.

Years 1-2 We were in college together. We spent most nights together in my apartment, but did not "live together." We each had our own place, he didn't keep any stuff at my place, we each showered, ate, etc, at our own place.

Year 3 I lived and worked about an hour from our college while he finished his senior year. I went to visit him every other weekend at school. He visited me less often b/c I lived with my parents. Until we returned from our honeymoon, we never shared a bed in either of our parents' homes. Therefore, it was nicer to visit him and share a bed, sleep as late as we wanted, go to parties, etc.

Years 4-6 I moved to another state for grad school and he moved to his home state for his first job. We lived about 2.5-3 hours apart and visited 1-3 times a month. On average, I would say we saw each other about twice a month. We exchanged where we visited based on our availability. At the end of my final year of grad school, we got engaged.

Years 6-7 We both moved to our current state. Its geographical location was a "midway" point between families. We each got a job, and our own place. We lived about 45 minutes apart. We saw each other pretty much every weekend. Occasionally, he would visit midweek, as well.

Midway through year 7 I moved 20 minutes closer to him, into the apartment we would share after marriage. We began spending more weeknights together and still saw each other pretty much every weekend. Even though we were engaged, this was the first time we had spent so much time together since college. It was a great transitional period that reinforced that we were still right for each other.

Year 8 We got married. Even our (conservative) families questioned why we didn't just move in together for the last few months before the wedding. For us, waiting to truly "live together" until we were wed was a really solid, noticeable transition to mark such a major event in our relationship. By the eighth year, there aren't many secrets or much newness, so marking the event with a major change was good for us.

The only vacations we took together before getting married were weekends to friends weddings, our pre cana weekend, etc. I traveled many times with my family without him. It really never was an issue as to whether he would travel with us. Granted, most of my traveling was done while we were long distance, so that may have skewed my perspective a bit. I think that the fact that we didn't share a room in our parents' homes made it a non issue as to whether or not we would travel together.

For us, it was the best decision. I have zero issue with anyone else's feelings on living together, we just liked being old fashioned.

ETA: The years I spent living alone were some of the greatest of my life. More than any other time, I learned how capable and strong I am as a woman. I can handle more household crap, dialogue with utility companies, review my own leases, etc more than most people I know. Nothing like living alone in a city to make you grow up quickly!
 

Squirrly

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in general i see M usually for a weekend sometime in the spring, about a week in late summer, a weekend in october, thanksgiving break, and for about a week for new year''s. since it''s usually about 3-4 months between visits (aside from oct, nov, and dec) we try to spend the night together. our week over new year''s (our anniversary) has been a holiday for the past two years. first was a road trip to chicago/purdue/indianapolis, and last year''s was a road trip to times square. we won''t live together until after marriage since we don''t live in the same state (but he recently got sent to my time zone! baby steps
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)

difficult being apart? yes and no. it''s been long distance from the start, and for the first 9 months we weren''t on the same continent, so it was never that i was used to him physically being with me and then he was gone. in that way it''s been easy. i am however used to talking to him for at least an hour just about daily. not spending my last hour or so awake at night on the phone with him tends to put me all out of sorts in the morning and i do not sleep well without exchanging i love yous, even if it''s just through text. he tends to be rather pouty if he doesn''t fall asleep to my voice so i suppose we''re even.
what is hard is saying goodbye at the airport. thankfully all but one or two times, my flight home has been delayed/i''m able to transfer to a later flight home. the best was when i had to fly out the next morning due to storms, and changing my flight last may so i could fly with him to atlanta and get half a day more with him before we both flew back home is a close second. when he leaves i sit and watch his plane fly away, when i go he get out of the airport shortly after i go through the gate because he can''t stand watching the plane leave and then he''ll be all mopey and won''t talk to anyone for at least half an hour.

not living together and having the distance has made this the best and strongest relationship i''ve ever had. we had no choice but to just talk for almost the first year we were together, and we have wonderful communication. i can''t wait until we do get to live together though. it''s going to be nice to fall asleep without having to spend a good deal of time trying to get him to wake up and hang up the phone so his alarm will go off in the morning
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might make conversations less entertaining though "are you sure you didn''t just say gopher?"
 

Nomsdeplume

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Mar 23, 2009
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We have been dating for 2 and a half years. We do go on holiday together or away for weekends sometimes. It has worked out well so far, and we are both very excited to have something like sharing a home to look forward to after marriage.
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MermaidKelly

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Aug 2, 2009
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Yay! a topic I can really relate to! My boyfriend and I do not live together, and are waiting till marriage. We have it rough trying to get any alone time, cause we both live with our parents, and neither family allows ''sleepovers''. On average we see eachother about 3 days a week, sometimes 4. Yes, I find it hard being apart but he calls every night, so that helps.
 

SparklyRing

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May 26, 2009
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Date: 7/19/2009 10:52:05 AM
Author:LilyKat
Let me start by saying this thread is NOT about the merits of living together or not, as I think that has been covered enough! This is for those who have chosen not to live with their SO before marriage for any reason.


What is/was your pattern of spending time together? Do you go on away on holiday together? For those waiting to be ''intimate'' until after marriage, did you spend nights at each others'' places? Did you find it difficult being apart, and if so how did you deal with this?


My SO and I both come from very traditional families that would extremely disapprove of us (and possibly shun us) if we were to live together before marriage, so we won''t live together until after we get married. However, we are intimate and we do spend as much time together as possible. We are about 45 min/1 hr away from each other and spend at least every other weekend together. Sometimes, we spend a week or two weeks together, but these are rare, since we are both very busy.

Sometimes, it is difficult being apart, but we talk to each other every night and tell each other about our days. We make it a rule to talk to each other before going to bed and we often talk for around an hour. This makes us feel as if we are with the other person emotionally, although we may not be together physically. I think this has really helped to maintain and strengthen our relationship and I would definitely recommend daily conversation for all of those who are in long distance relationships or who are unable to see their SO on a daily basis.

I should add that this would depend on the person, especially the guy, and also the stage of the relationship. My SO''s best friend does not like to hold long conversations with women that he is dating and I know that this is the reason why he is frustrated with women who often call him. Also, early in our relationship, my SO and I did not talk on the phone every day; instead, we used IM. It didn''t evolve into long daily phone conversations until our relationship moved to the serious phase.
 
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