Samantha Red
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2007
- Messages
- 441
I have seen this so many times but it always makes me laugh out loud, please excuse the tiny bit of bad language
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat''s mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process...
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl
and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat''s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse''s forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor''s shed. Get
another pill. Open another beer. Place
cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee
shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap..
13.Tie the little bastard''s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table..
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat''s mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process...
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl
and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat''s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse''s forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor''s shed. Get
another pill. Open another beer. Place
cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch
bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee
shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap..
13.Tie the little bastard''s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table..
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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