First post - he wants to choose a ring??

[Shellcm]

Hi all

I have been with my partner for 4 years. We are 33 (me) and 32 (him). We live together and have a 17 month old daughter. She was planned but nobody really knows that and I hate the assumption that she was a mistake, so I am getting really impatient that all my friends are having these storybook engagements and then weddings and then children and here I am at 33 with a child and a freaking boyfriend He asked me back when I was pregnant if I wanted to be married before having a child but I didn't want a shotgun wedding so I said no, but I would want to be shortly after. Well I am getting sick of waiting so I have been doing my own research for rings and have a very firm idea of what I want now. I want a brian gavin tiffany setting, in 14k rose gold with a platinum head. I just found out last night he has a family stone to use which I am happy with but I would want a recut if it needs it I also hate prongs that look like fins and that cuts out most of the settings out there, and I much prefer a solitaire with a thin band (he was talking about 'the main stone', I only want one!) Last night I mentioned that I know what I like and he said "You don't get a choice" Um, what??? I do not trust anyone else to choose something for me that I will wear everyday! I tried to say 'but' and he just would repeat 'you don't get a choice'. I have been choosing this ring for months now and I love it!! Plus we are in australia and if he just pops down to the local jeweller he will get royally ripped off! How do you make them see that it is OK for the girl to have a say?? He thinks the man proposes therefore the man chooses it and I should just be happy with whatever he picks! Yes I am keen to be engaged, I know I am stubborn and very picky, but I've tried a couple of rings on and some look shocking on my finger so I know I won't be happy with anything despite the fact that it would mean we were engaged! I wear no other jewellery for him to base a decision on. I know I sound like a crazy demanding person but I am not, I just have grown to love the ring I have in my head and want to have it on my finger, not some overpriced jewellery store ring that doesn't suit me or my hands.

 

[16ocean]

Sigh . . . I so hear what you are saying Shellcm . . . ugh this is tough. At the moment the only thing I can think of is you know when the time is right . . . bring up the subject again, it's not as if you want him to increase his budget just get a lovely ring w/ out an hugely overinflated price.

Ugh. I am going to put a post in the diamond hangout . . . perhaps some of the wise members can help guide.

 

[decisively_unsure]

Let him choose a ring, but suggest you go for a timeless, minimal solitaire round setting. The margins for error are far lower here ha ha. I chose my girlfriend's and she was thrilled with it. If you're not happy with what he chooses make sure there is a returns policy and refuse to wear it.

If he is buying it and has a family stone then he should have a say too. Marriage is a union and all that.

 

[telephone89]

Okay first of all, a ring is just a ring. What you should be focusing on is the MARRIAGE. Are you not excited to marry the father of your child? Or do you just want a ring. You can buy your own ring if that's really the case, and I hope its not.

That being said...

Do you not trust that he knows you? Or would ask what you like? You say that you wouldn't trust anyone else to do this, but you've been together for a while, and have a child together. Do you actually think he'd pick out something hideous?

Alot of people dont like shopping online for these big ticket items. It is comforting to some to go into the store, see it, hold it, feel it, and end up paying more. This is very common. And I think you should leave that choice up to him.

If I were you, I would a) chill out a bit, and b) send him an email with some links of things you like. I dont think you should be tied to one exact setting from one exact retailer, but show him the style of what you like. Simple, classic, timeless. He will probably get the point, and will not buy you a giant triple halo with side stones. I would also send him some information about buying online, maybe some pricescope testimonials. If you have price comparisons (and he is price concious) he might respond well to knowing that you can get this setting for X amount in plat, or spend 20% more, and only get 14k white gold.

 

[D2B]

Tough one.
I would send him some pictures of style you definitely can't stand.. The no go zone and some suggestions of styles you like. He needs to have some ownership as well. It would be great to do this together, but if his heart is set on doing it by himself, then some suggestions from you of what you like etc would be something I would hope he takes into account. If he doesn't, then I would ask, is he like this in all other areas or just this one, because to me these things are a partnership, the ring is one of many things as a couple you need to work out how both of you can be happy.


Can you share with us what you have your heart set on? We love seeing jewellery ....

One other thing to consider as long as it is sort of in the range of what you like, sometimes the gifts that take a while to grow on you , end up being the ones you treasure the most, as they are not the obvious choice, if that makes any sense.
Good luck

 

[PintoBean]

If it's his way or the highway, he risks dropping a chunk of change on a diamond ring that won't see the light of day, forever buried in a jewelry box or safe...

Would he not want any input if you were buying him, say, a car?

 

[HollyS]

There are bigger issues here. Do you not see them?

I'm not going to analyze the situation for everyone to read. I'm not going to judge or give my opinion. But, think carefully about your future, your choices, what you truly want out of life, who this person is . . . and who you are.

 

[Shellcm]

We had another conversation a couple of days ago and he said I can give him direction and he will make the final call. I'm ok with that. That was really my question - how to have him listen to my preferences, as he wasn't seeming open to me giving him any ideas, but now I realise he was only teasing me when we had that conversation as he could tell I was getting flustered. We have that relationship. We tease each other (good naturedly however I was too fired up to tell that's what was going on at the time).. Anyway, I was not going to respond to this but after the last post I just want to clear up a few things. Yes I have a setting I adore. If I was buying today it would be it. However, I have seen many I like and am letting go and just hoping he makes a good choice once he has some ideas of what I like. I was in slight panic mode when I made that post. So thank you all for the advice to let go a bit, I did need to. As for the 'you should be looking forward to the marriage' (paraphrasing) comment and the bigger issues one, a - this is a jewellery forum, and b, we effectively are married. We have a daughter and minus the ring, paper and ceremony we are living the life. There is not a cosmic shift once you are married. I want to join the institution with him and for him to be my husband, but nothing else will change in our lives. We have already bought a house, have a little family and spending our lives together with plans to grow old together. I am a divorcee so I have some idea of how a relationship changes once you are married (hint - it doesn't.) This is a jewellery forum, hence I am addressing the jewellery aspect of engagement and marriage. It is that simple. I am actually quite offended and angry by the insinuation that I am focused on the wrong thing or the judgements of my relationship based on one post about the ring. We are happy, we have a beautiful daughter, we are looking forward to the rest of our lives. I did not post this to have my relationship or self critiqued. I wondered if any LIW had any tips on how to approach the ring topic. I was not aware I needed to begin my post by waxing lyrical lest be judged. I am a feminist and a modern woman, we don't have a gender roles based relationship, neither of us are particularly romantic, and it surprised me a tad that he was feeling a bit traditional about choosing it so I am sending some links and letting him do the next bit for his sake rather than mine. I see countless men post here and they are asked 'what does she like? Have you asked?' Clearly it is accepted for the woman to have input so I wondered how you approach this from a woman's side if your partner is preferring to surprise you. But it is now a nonissue as he has stated that he's happy to get ideas and I'm happy to let go of the one setting. I also want to add that he is not paying for it, we combined our incomes when we bought the house a few years ago (do people really have separate money after children??) and the ring will actually be coming from my tax return (and no, that is not a bad sign for my relationship, there is no such thing as a joint tax return in Australia). So it is our money, this isn't a typical scenario where a man saves his $ and goes and spends it on a ring, this ring is a household purchase. I hesitated to post this reply as I dislike confrontation but I feel people need to calm down and stop making baseless assumptions based on one conversation I referred to in my earlier post.

 

[HollyS]

I'll concede that I don't know you, and you are perhaps deliriously happy. To which I'll just say, "Congratulations on your impending engagement and marriage."

 

[decisively_unsure]

There were a lot of helpful comments in here too...

 

[16ocean]

We had another conversation a couple of days ago and he said I can give him direction and he will make the final call. I'm ok with that . . . But it is now a nonissue as he has stated that he's happy to get ideas and I'm happy to let go of the one setting.

Awesome!
I am glad the two of you worked it out.
Glad you came back to post . . . and look forward to hand shots when you get them.

Sending best wishes to you from the states.

I too am in a committed relationship not ready to become a LIW yet but my BF will be using a family ring as well

 

[telephone89]

Glad it all worked out, and I'm sorry you got so upset over my comment. Yes, it's a jewellery forum, but an engagement ring is just a formality, what it symbolizes is more important IMO. I think you will look back and appreciate the time and effort he took in picking this out for you. You can certainly buy the setting you love and set it with another stone. Many women on here have multiple rings, or upgrade/change their settings/stones throughout the years. Plus, this is your preference RIGHT NOW. As you grow older, wear it more, see more, new trends come out, etc you might like other styles. You might not.

I disagree with you though, I do believe something changes after you're married. I treat it as something very special, you can do as you please of course.

But anyways, it's great that he was just joking around. I would still email him what you like, then he can save it and refer back to it. I think its understandable that he wanted to be the one to pick it out. Society is still lagging a bit in that sense

 

[D_]

Glad to know you worked it out!
All the best and let us know how the rest of the story unfolds.

There are bigger issues here. Do you not see them?

I'm not going to analyze the situation for everyone to read. I'm not going to judge or give my opinion. But, think carefully about your future, your choices, what you truly want out of life, who this person is . . . and who you are.

"I'm not going to judge or give my opinion".
I find this comment hilarious. Then what do you suppose you call "there are bigger issues here. do you not see them?" and "think carefully..."?

Ah... why can't they make Samantha the lead of the SATC instead of Carrie. At least she says things as it is.