First Christmas....Inlaw gifts??

[merbear1215]

I am struggling with what to get my inlaws for Christmas. However, I also want to explain the situation a little and give some background.

DH and I got married two months ago. We have been together for four years. In that time, I have had many birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. I have never received even so much as a card from anyone in his family for these events. My birthday is tomorrow actually and his mom emailed earlier this month and said "I remember your birthday is sometime in December. Happy Birthday!" I guess that is better than the years in the past when it went totally unacknowledged, but I have to admit, I thought "really?? You couldn't have asked your son when it was?"

I should also mention I did do gifts for his family the first year we were together and got nothing in return and my family, without fail, buys for him on all occasions and takes him out for his bday, etc. Also, none of his siblings (all fully grown adults) brought us presents at our wedding. Finally, I am Jewish so this isn't even a holiday I really celebrate/buy gifts for.

DH never really has done gifts before. He gets them from maybe his older sister and from his parents. Never from the brothers and as far as I can remember, has never bought for the brothers. This year he want to do gifts....I think it is mainly because it is ME who does it. Me who does the deciding, me who does the shopping, me who does the wrapping.

To be honest, this has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I am stressed because I have no idea what to get for people that I really don't know at all. Secondly, I resent my husband a little. Can I say to him "hey, you come up with the presents. I will be happy to pay for them together and happy to wrap them, but that's it." I know this means that there will be no presents for his family. That is just the way he is. But then I worry that a family already pretty cold to me, will really not like me.

I know it is better to give than to receive, but I don't care that they don't get me anything. I just don't then want the burden of having to give to them. Any thoughts on this??

 

[sctsbride09]

Honestly, since they were not in the habit of doing family gifts, I dont see why you should have to buy gifts for everyone, especially in these economic times. If DH REALLY wants to start the family gift exchange, let HIM pick the gifts. If he "forgets", oh well. But if you 2 do go through with it, remember that just because you do for them, doesnt mean they will reciprocate, especially given the history.
From your post, it kind of sounds like your feelings are hurt from the lack of recognition from your in laws. ( I say that as a person who has been through similar things ie. SIL and FBIL neither congratulated us or gave us a gift/card when we got married, FIL the same, and many,many other snubs) I just wanted to say (if that is the case and Im not misreading the situation) that Im very sorry. I know how hard it is to try and fit in with the family and get nothing in return. Just know that its not you, its them. They would be this way with anyone, it just happens to be you their son picked. Best of luck to you.

ETA- would it be too cheeky to give the in laws chocolates that look earily like coal? heehee.

 

[w.a.n.d]

I'd rather give than receive (I'm weird about opening presents in front of people bc I have absolutely no poker face), but I see your point about it not being about the gifts. It's nice to get some acknowledgment that you, as their son's wife, matter to them every now and then. Have you ever thought about donating to a charity on their behalf and then just giving them a card that says something to the effect of "Just wanted to let you know that you're being thought about during the holidays, donated to a charity, etc., etc."? At least that way you can feel good about spending money on them if exchanging gifts is not that important to them, and it tells them- HEY! At least I'm thinking about you guys! Just a thought.

 

[lulu66]

sorry, you're going through this. honestly, i'd be a little miffed too if my DH put this on me. we did our shopping together this year and bought for both sets of parent, all siblings, and our one nephew. we mostly picked out for our respective sides. i did help a bit w/his sisters & he was really struggling w/what to get for his mom but we went with a few smaller gifts for each so at least they'll like some of it. if i were you, i would not be willing to set the precedent of taking on christmas shopping all by yourself. it would be a "chat" in our household. if it's his idea to get them presents, great, but he needs to put in some input & effort, ya know?

[funny side story: while we were out shopping, i suggested he call his mom to see if there was something she really wanted for christmas. she replied all she really wants is a new camera that's $400 (out of our budget) & that she wouldn't be getting us anything for christmas because they spent so much on the wedding. i was floored because they all they paid for at the wedding was DH's immediate families transportation costs (mother, father, brother, sister, nephew) & for our pizza rehearsal dinner. not to sound bratty (i am grateful for the IL's contribution--it wasn't necessary & saved us from having to pay to fly out his siblings & host the rehearsal dinner) but my parents paid for my siblings transportation costs & the whole damn wedding and haven't complained or thrown it in our face once. and my mom sent us a package full of christmas gifts b/c she knew that since we are all the way on the other side of the country this year our tree would be a little sparse of gifts & wanted us to feel special & loved. and really, like you, it's not about the GIFTS but here we are calling her to ask what she might like & the response we get is "you're not getting anything from us." i was shocked & a bit hurt that she couldn't even be bothered to pick out & send a dvd to the both of us?! well, we did end up getting a package from them w/two gifts in it but the handwriting was FIL.]

 

[that_someone_special]

1) I could've written your post too. I've been married 2 months, together 4 years. I also never have recieved a gift (other than some trading cards for thanksgiving one year.. ) and this year DH actually is freaking out because we are not giving them gifts this year.

2) So... because of that.... We did photobooks for everyone ($50 a piece) and I'm going to give both of our parents a family shot from the wedding and a picture of just us from the wedding in a frame. It's not the best gift ever, but it's wedding related. It's not a huge gift but you could always tell them "due to the wedding, we are doing smaller personalized gifts this year" (which I'm doing too..)

And really, don't stress-- relax. Gift giving is supposed to be fun, not stressful.

 

[trillionaire]

Our parents (both sets) are getting an enlarged print of one of our wedding photos. Canvas on demand has had exceptional deals on groupon, and we were able to get $125 prints for $45!

Other nice gifts can be simple... a cheesecake sampler, edible arrangements, Omaha steaks...

 

[merbear1215]

A little Update:

My birthday was Wednesday. My sister in law had a dozen SPRINKLES cupcakes delivered to my work. I nearly fell out of my chair! I was so pleased and surprised!

I still have no idea what to get them for Christmas, but I have renewed desire to find something! It's much easier to want to go through the stress and work of gift buying when you actually want to do it

Thanks for all your input ladies.....thought a little bit of a bummer how many of us are in the same boat!

 

[UnderBlue]

Just to throw in my two-cents:
Gifts should be given becasue you want to give them, not becasue someone else has given you a gift and you are obliged to reciprocate. I know it can be disheartening. (Out of my 3 brothers and my 4 best friends at our wedding, we got a card from one of them). Maybe they had some kind of mental or subconscious block about you not being family until y'all were married.

We've always gotten gifts for his family and parents at Christmas. This year we gave them small photobooks from the wedding (amazing deal on Shutterfly, who I highly recommend, 3 books (2 8x8, one leather 12x12) for $60, including shipping !) along with the regular gifts we'd give them (books, etc.).

 

[Jennifer W]

Honestly, regardless of the type of relationship I had with them, it wouldn't cross my mind to be organising Christmas gifts for my husband's family. That's his job and any slacking there would be exclusively his problem.

The cupcakes were a lovely gesture, I'd respond in kind for her birthday. I hope they were yummy!

 

[StonieGrl]

This has stood me in good stead through 2 marriages, an engagement and all my boyfriends: They handle the giftgiving for their families, I handle the giftgiving for mine. Everyone is happy in this scenario.

That way everyone's family of origin traditions or lack thereof aren't tinkered with by some 'newbie,' LOL, and you don't get your feelings hurt, generally, or look strange.

Scenarios that have happened to me:
1. I buy lavish gifts, he/his family are frugal (diplomatic way of saying cheap) so I look like I'm trying to make them look even cheaper than they are.
2. I buy gifts, he/his family don't 'do' gifts at all, so I look like I'm trying to buy my way in or am somehow 'childish.'
3. He/his family buy MORE lavish gifts than I do and I then look cheap.
4. They observe gift-giving events/possibilities that I don't even know about! Then when I'm empty handed, I'm not getting with the program.
5. They do things like draw names or only give gifts to the kids and I then look like I threw a pooper in the party punch bowl when I show up with gifts for all.