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Fiance''s sister in wedding party? Family problems...

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mainemomof2

Rough_Rock
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Apr 9, 2007
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56
Hello,
My fiancé has a 16 year old sister. Whenever we discuss the wedding with his family, she always asks about her place in the wedding party. She was the last bridesmaid in the line in her cousins wedding. She voices that she doesn''t want to be last in line again. I had originally planned on her being a bridesmaid. Well...I have re-thought this issue. Jacob said to me that I can forget about having her in the wedding…but I don’t want to cause a family upheaval.

My reason..
She doesn''t LIKE ME! Jacob (FI) and I took her out to dinner the other night, to be nice, and because she is his younger sister. The entire time she pointed out cute girls to him. She told him about her friend Jessica who is single, athletic, in shape, has DD breasts, and would go on a date with him.
We went to the bookstore and she said ''you should buy a magazine about how to clean your house'' You get the idea....

Jacob went to dinner at his parents for his Mothers birthday last night and he said to his sister... "Why do you want to be in the wedding so much if you dislike Danielle?'' She walked off.


Well the issue is.. How ''wrong'' would it be to exclude his sister? The other issue is.. She will be my sister-in-law forever. While I understand that she is young and petty and will probably get over her issues....should I try to confront her? I was thinking about asking her to go out for ice cream or something and try to find out what the problem is. Honestly, we have never had a fall out, or an argument of any kind. I don''t think she KNOWS why she doesn''t like me...she is just convinced that she doesn''t. Or, is it not worth the effort since she is the one with the problem? I have gone out of my way to make her feel welcome in our house, etc. Jacob thinks she is jealous that she lost ''her big brother'', but she didn''t. It may be because I have children, who he has taken on as his own. (I know his parents aren''t thrilled with him marrying a "divorced-Mom"


Ahhh. How do I handle all of this?


Danielle
 

robbie3982

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
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3,960
I think you should try taking her out for ice cream, just the two of you. While she is the one with the problem, she''s only 16. You''re the adult and I think it''s your responsibility to exhaust every option of fixing things. You say that his parents aren''t thrilled with him marrying someone with children, maybe their feelings are rubbing off on her. 16 year olds can be very impressionable even if they think they''re not.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
Hey there, I''m sorry to hear that you are having problems with your future sister in law. I agree with Robbie that you should take her to get ice cream or something with just the two of you. My sister-in-law is going to be 15 in a couple weeks (wow!) and I think the reason we get along so well is that I don''t treat her like she''s 15, or like she''s my sister-in-law. I don''t know how old you are, but I am only 6 years older than my SIL so we are actually quite friendly with each other. When DH and I go back to our hometown, I usually take her out to lunch or go shopping with her just the two of us. That has really helped us to get along I think. If you just have a good talk with her about why she dislikes you, she may find that she has no reason at all to dislike you and she will change her tune. Good luck!

*M*
 

Fancy605

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 3, 2006
Messages
1,446
Date: 4/15/2007 10:08:46 AM
Author:mainemomof2
Hello,

My fiancé has a 16 year old sister. Whenever we discuss the wedding with his family, she always asks about her place in the wedding party. She was the last bridesmaid in the line in her cousins wedding. She voices that she doesn''t want to be last in line again.


Ahhh. How do I handle all of this?



Danielle

I know she''s only 16--but this sort of registers on the brat scale to me. Who cares where you are in line?

And if she isn''t fond of you and her brother''s relationship, then why would she want a part in the wedding anyway?

Of course, these types of rational thoughts rarely register with 16 year olds who have already formed an opinion on something.

I agree with the others. She may like some one-on-one attention from you. Right now when you go out with her and your brother, she probably feels like she is competing with you for his attention. She might also be worried that you don''t like her (silly as it may sound, a lot of times when girls suspect a person doesn''t like them, they strike out at that person regaurdless of whether it is true or not. It''s a defense mechanism) If you went out together, just the two of you, she''d be in a new situation where she finds she has YOUR attention all to herself, and I am willing to bet she''ll enjoy it and start wanting to be your friend rather than a pain in your side. Generally 16 year olds crave possitive attention, and as soon as they find out they can get that from you... well they start seeing you in a different light.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,038
Is she the tallest or shortest? You could lie and say you want to go in order of height (so she is at the end). I really think you should keep her as a BM no matter what. Like you said, she will be your SIL FOREVER. Hopefully she will mature. Or if it doesn''t matter to you make her second to last (not sure who or how many BM you are having). She does sound rude! She doesn''t seem to be taking your relationship seriously.
 

mainemomof2

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
56
Well...I am 24, so I am only 8 years older then she is. I am thinking about how to word an e-mail to her (since that is how she communicates with everyone) that suggests that we go out and talk.

My FI basically says that if she wants to be a jerk and not accept me, then to heck with her, she can be in her own wedding. He isn''t one who puts up with peoples bad attitudes.

However, I can imagine the bad views that his parents have of him getting married to me getting even worse if we chose not to include her.
Thank you for all of the suggestions. I know she is young and I want to be her friend and sister in law, not her enemy. When she first ''met'' my kids she loved them, and eventually my daughter calls her Aunt Meg now... They want to be around her, and she is basically a miserable person to be around.
Danielle
 

Skippy123

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Joined
Nov 24, 2006
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24,299
Date: 4/15/2007 12:18:02 PM
Author: Fancy605

Date: 4/15/2007 10:08:46 AM
Author:mainemomof2

Hello,

My fiancé has a 16 year old sister. Whenever we discuss the wedding with his family, she always asks about her place in the wedding party. She was the last bridesmaid in the line in her cousins wedding. She voices that she doesn''t want to be last in line again.



Ahhh. How do I handle all of this?




Danielle

I know she''s only 16--but this sort of registers on the brat scale to me. Who cares where you are in line?

And if she isn''t fond of you and her brother''s relationship, then why would she want a part in the wedding anyway?

Of course, these types of rational thoughts rarely register with 16 year olds who have already formed an opinion on something.

I agree with the others. She may like some one-on-one attention from you. Right now when you go out with her and your brother, she probably feels like she is competing with you for his attention. She might also be worried that you don''t like her (silly as it may sound, a lot of times when girls suspect a person doesn''t like them, they strike out at that person regaurdless of whether it is true or not. It''s a defense mechanism) If you went out together, just the two of you, she''d be in a new situation where she finds she has YOUR attention all to herself, and I am willing to bet she''ll enjoy it and start wanting to be your friend rather than a pain in your side. Generally 16 year olds crave possitive attention, and as soon as they find out they can get that from you... well they start seeing you in a different light.
Ditto. Sorry she is being difficult but teenagers think world revolves around them, I know I thought that when I was that age. Hopefully she will come to her senses. What does your mom say?
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,038
I think there is a *HUGE* difference between 16 and 24. What does your FMIL say? Are you close enough to her to get her advice?
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
Danielle, this stinks.

Yes, she is young, but come on! She is not 6. She is being a brat. I would NOT have her in my wedding with that attitude. And yes, she will be your sister in law as long as you two are married, BUT, there is time to heal things...I would not torture myself now for a bratty teenager who is out to get me. No way. And frankly, if she matures, and you two get close, I am sure she would be able to look back and say, Gosh, Danielle, I was a jerk. I do not blame you for not wanting me in your wedding..." If not, chances are she will grow up to be more of a brat and you will likely not want to spend much time with her anyway. I do not mean to be harsh, but she is not a baby and is in control of her actions to a degree, though of course teenagers are not always composed or aware of their actions. Maybe you take her out alone, and in a nice but firm way tell her her behavior is NOT okay and there are a couple of options. Why is it you think she dislikes you? (I mean what is is about you, not how she shows it to you). I think she needs to be held accountable for her actions, even at 16. Let her open up if she will, if she won't, tell her that there will be consequences if she continues to be such a nightmare. It is hard to say if taking her out is going to be of any value, but it is worth trying. Just be prepared, she sounds like a nasty little thing, and she might like having you run in circles trying to get her to like you. Power and control. You have your fiance's support, so do not let her run roughshod on you. Also, I am sure her parents are not unaware about her behavior, even though they love her. Let your guy tell them she is being obnoxious and tell them he is protecting you from her crap.
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2006
Messages
1,526
Yeah, she''s being a brat. But as you noted in your post, when you guys are 30 and 38 or 40 and 48 or 70 and 78, this will all be water under the bridge. I would have her as a bridesmaid. It''s taking the high road, and you can''t allow yourself to stoop to her level. I wouldn''t make too much of an effort to get her to like you either, though. I think the obnoxiousness is a play for attention, or a bit of a power trip. Just ignore it and she''ll either come around or she''ll continue to be obnoxious, but you can''t really control what she does.
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198

Well.


Sixteen year olds aren''t the most rational creatures. And frequently run on emotion without pausing to consider their reactions. I would take her out and give her one more shot. If she''s snooty, I would have HER BROTHER take her AND HER PARENTS aside and tell her that he''s decided that she will not be in HIS wedding. It shouldn''t come from you. He needs to tell her AND HER PARENTS that her behavior is unacceptable (especially since HE''S the one who has witnessed the bulk of it) and that it will not be tolerated. He further needs to state that if her behavior continues she will not be invited to the wedding at all... and that it will be HER FAULT. Not his.

 

Maisie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
Messages
12,578
I think that you should leave it to your future husband to sort out. He obviously knows what she is like and probably knows how best to handle her. I know what teenage girls are like - my daughter is 14. Talk about a brat!!

The best way to deal with this is to be consistent and don''t back down once you make a decision. She needs to know that you are number one in her brothers life - once she accepts that you and he are a strong couple she will back off and play nicely!

Good luck!

Maisie
 

mainemomof2

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
56
What does your FMIL say? Are you close enough to her to get her advice?
She basically said that she is staying out of it....so that isn''t very helpful.
She once mentioned that a good friend of hers got married on a cruise and it was much less stressful. I am sure that was some sort of suggestion..

Danielle
 

mainemomof2

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
56

Why is it you think she dislikes you? I am honestly not sure. I sometimes think it might be that she feels that she is loosing her brother (jealous). It may be because her parents have bad feelings about my FI marrying someone who is a divorced Mom. I am really not sure, other then that.


Also, I am sure her parents are not unaware about her behavior, even though they love her. Let your guy tell them she is being obnoxious and tell them he is protecting you from her crap.
My FI told his Mother exactly what was said when we took her out. She was taken aback and was in shock. She said she would talk to Megan (the sister) about it. Then a few days later he asked his Mother why she would want to be in the wedding if she dislikes me so much. My FMIL''s response was "I am staying out of it."

I plan to ask her to talk to me, and see if I can figure out WHY she dislikes me and treats me disrespectfully. From there, FI has agreed to handle her behavior by telling her he isn’t going to tolerate his sister treating his fiancé and family badly, and if she makes the choice to continue, she will not be welcome as a part of our endeavors.



Update: We are going through a big storm, and everyone, besides us (for now) has lost power. FI called his parents to check on them, and his sister asked if she could sleep here tonight because she has no power and has to go figure skating tomorrow. He said ''We will see, I have to talk to Danielle about it'' He is gone over there to help pump out their basement and he plans to tell her that because she chooses not to treat me with respect, it would be best that she not stay here. I have a polygraph (for work) tomorrow and I don''t need her up my back all night. Why do her a favor if she wants to be a total jerk?
Danielle

 
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