FI messed up big time

[hereforsupport]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but it does affect the wedding, and you're all so awesome, so I'll put it here!

I'm a regular poster, but I've posted so much information about myself over the years that I want to stay anonymous here, color me paranoid [].

FI drove home drunk on Sunday night. A 25 minute drive. He'd been in the pub for the day, then out for dinner. He had maybe 7 drinks then stopped about 1.5 - 2 hours before he drove home.

He's living in a new country, and I'm still at home for a few more months, so I wasn't there, we're long distance at the moment.

I have never been so furious with him in my life. I don't need to reiterate the dangers here, for himself and others. I've repeated them so many times over the last 48 hours. This is sooo unlike him, he always hated drink driving. He didn't get caught but that's not the point. I screamed at him, I put a halt to all wedding proceedings. I said everything is on hold and I'm walking if he doesn't do everything in his power to prove to me that this is was a one time mistake. I nearly did just walk, I still don't know if I'll fully get over it. But my softer side tells me everyone is entitled to one mistake (aside from cheating, violence etc). It's how it's dealt with that counts. He is devastated, shocked at himself, extremely upset. He told his parents and family and they are extremely upset with him too.

This is his first (and hopefully only) big f^¢k up. Some may think I'm overreacting, but this is very important to me (as he well knows) and I'm not going to lie and say I'll get over it. I told him it will take a long time and lots of work on his part, and if he thought that was too much he was welcome to leave. He's promising to do anything, whatever it takes to get my trust back. I said, no more drinking for at least a few months. Then a three drink limit for a time after that. And I want him to do something like visit a rehab centre or something to drive home the devastating effects of drink driving. He's willing to do anything, which is a good sign.

My friends have been brilliant, great advice and lots of support from everyone.

I am just SO FURIOUS.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Sweetie I''m so sorry. #*$&#&%^&*^@*&# MeN!

I don''t blame you for being horrified and furious, I would have probably done the same thing and reacted the same way. It sounds like you and FI have discussed the situation and have developed a game plan for addressing the problem. All you can do now is try to move past this and give your FI the space and trust to be able to do the same.

 

[Lilac]

Wow, I''m so sorry this happened

- I''d be pretty angry too. Drunk driving is definitely not something to take lightly... However, from what you said he seems to really regret it. And he seems to be willing to do what it takes to prove to you that it won''t happen again. You talked about it with him, he knows what you expect of him to be able to trust him again, so I think the only thing you can do now is wait and see how he handles it. As long as he seems serious about doing what you need to be able to trust that this won''t happen again, I think the only thing you can do is try and calm down and see how he deals with it in the next few weeks/months.

 

[Mediterranean]

(((HUG)))

O, my GOD...I can''t imagine how scared you must have been! I''m glad no one was hurt or arrested, and there wasn''t even any damage to any property!

The only part left is to repair the damage that''s been done to your belief of how a husband should behave. The ball is in his court, and he has a lot of work to do, given the dangerous, foolish choice he made.

For me (and this is only me, personally) substance abuse and addiction are deal breakers. I consider this to be substance abuse because it has officially interfered with his safety, the safety of others, the health of his relationship with you, and his significant other''s psychological well-being. I understand that its "just the one time, and nothing happened." It doesn''t make this acceptable (only my opinion. Take with a grain of salt) just because he was lucky enough not to kill or disable himself, kill or disable others, damage property and get himself sued, or destroy the car causing a financial setback from hell.

He was lucky. What if he wasn''t? What if you were reading in the newspaper this morning about how your fiance plowed into a car with a family inside it after SEVEN drinks, killing them all? IMHO, he''s the same drunk who took everyone''s lives into his own hands without regard.

I couldn''t live my life with someone who has that kind of poor judgment. It only takes ONE time to destroy everything, and every moment between this moment, and the moment I die represents a chance for the substance abuser to screw up and take my life down the drain along with his.

Substance abuse (no matter how isolated the incident, or how infrequent or out of character the behavior) is a deal-breaker for me.

If it were me, I would leave. I know so many women who married men who only did really terrible things "one little time," or who only made "one bad choice once, and nothing happened" Their marriages are all SO pathetic and unhappy. I pity them. Those observations, plus what I have seen of substance abusers in my lifetime are what I''m basing my opinion on, but t is ONLY an opinion. I do not know your FI as a human being, I haven''t put in the kind of time you have with this man, so I can''t say anything except that I am SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that no one got hurt, and nothing got damaged!!!!

I am so, so sorry for you.

 

[VRBeauty]

I''m glad you''re furious! I assume your FI told you about the incident, which is a good sign. I hope the game plan works... and that you both remain on your guard on this issue.

Good luck to you both.

 

[meresal]

Everyone has thier own pushing points, and this is obviously yours. Did he know that this was something that really bothered you before hand? or Did you just not ever have to worry about it before?

I have to say, that this is not a breaking point for me, and I would not have reacted at all like you have. However, FI and I are regular drinkers (not drinkers and drivers though... well not to the point of 7 beers. We'll have 1 or 2 watching a game at a bar and then head home), so punishing him by saying no alcohol for a few months would not only influence my evening plans negatively, but I'm pretty sure he would laugh in my face. He pushed pretty close to my point one time when out with his buddies at a game, when I went out of town... but I got my point across and he has never even come close to that again.

So, I'm trying really hard to relate. It sounds like you have definitely gotten your point across. I'm sorry that he upset you so badly, and I hope that you can all can move past it. Have you decided how long you will put off wedding related planning? Is there a point where you will cancel all together?

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 5/6/2009 11:48:26 AM
Author: meresal
Everyone has thier own pushing points, and this is obviously yours. Did he know that this was something that really bothered you before hand? or Did you just not ever have to worry about it before?

I have to say, that this is not a breaking point for me, and I would not have reacted at all like you have. However, FI and I are regular drinkers (not drinkers and drivers though... well not to the point of 7 beers. We''ll have 1 or 2 watching a game at a bar and then head home), so punishing him by saying no alcohol for a few months would not only influence my evening plans negatively, but I''m pretty sure he would laugh in my face. He pushed pretty close to my point one time when out with his buddies at a game, when I went out of town... but I got my point across and he has never even come close to that again.

So, I''m trying really hard to relate. It sounds like you have definitely gotten your point across. I''m sorry that he upset you so badly, and I hope that you can all can move past it. Have you decided how long you will put off wedding related planning? Is there a point where you will cancel all together?

I agree with above. Even though his decision was extremely irresponsible and immature, it certainly wouldn''t be a deal breaker for me. If it happened often, yes. Once, no. To me there are much worse, cheating, physical abuse so on that would make me break an upcoming marriage.

I am not a regular drinker. I may have a glass of wine or a martini once a month IF that. However to me, this is more a breach of trust that the fact that he drove with having too many drinks. Didn''t you say he waiting an hour before driving? It means that he was trying to make sure he was OK to make the drive home.

I am really glad no one was hurt, because they could have been

, and maybe I''m wrong by saying so, but I think calling off the wedding and making him go into rehab is way pushing the line for this punishment.

I may be wrong, obviously you think differently on this than I do. However even with other offences I''m not a one time breaks the deal kinda girl. Everyone makes mistakes.... you''ll make them too in the relationship. The fact that he told you, feels guility, and is willing to do anything shows more to you than the fact that he made the mistake this one time.

Just my two cents tho!

 

[Porridge]

Jeez, that''s tough. I don''t know what I would do in that situation. Probably similar to what you did, I suppose. Frighten the hell out of him so he never does it again. He seems to be dealing with it well, in that he told you and he told his family and he feels appropriately awful. Long distance doesn''t help either...phew, I hope it works out ok hereforsupport.

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m not understanding why one mistake he made would be a halt to all wedding proceedings. Why not talk to him about being upset, come to an agreement that this shouldn''t happen again, and then continue on with the wedding plans?

Honestly, if what you say is true that this is his first "f^ck up" then I''m not understanding why you are reacting this way. In relationships you come across hard times, people make mistakes, and you work through them. I get the impression that cancelling the wedding doesn''t really have anything to do with this one f^ck up but really something that you''ve been wanting and waiting to do. That''s just my thought though.

And I''m not condoning drunk driving. I don''t drink at all so I don''t see the appeal of being drunk.

 

[katamari]

If you must punish him, it needs to be target towards what you are mad about. Are you mad that he is drinking at all? Or are you mad that he drove after drinking? Or are you mad that he went against his character? If you only care that he drove, to me it seems excessive to require he give up drinking or do anything else beyond get rides anytime he drives after he has been drinking. I also think that the time limits and drink limits seem excessive, too. What do you see as your goal with the "punishment"?

How long had he been at the pub? Without a BAC test, it would be impossible to know, but I remember learning (in a class I had to attend for speeding tickets while a minor about wreckless driving) that a 150 lb. person could have one drink her hour and remain under the legal limit. If he is larger (most men are) and was at the pub all day, it may have not been illegal (if the legality is an issue for you).

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 5/6/2009 2:07:59 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m not understanding why one mistake he made would be a halt to all wedding proceedings. Why not talk to him about being upset, come to an agreement that this shouldn''t happen again, and then continue on with the wedding plans?

Honestly, if what you say is true that this is his first ''f^ck up'' then I''m not understanding why you are reacting this way. In relationships you come across hard times, people make mistakes, and you work through them. I get the impression that cancelling the wedding doesn''t really have anything to do with this one f^ck up but really something that you''ve been wanting and waiting to do. That''s just my thought though.

And I''m not condoning drunk driving. I don''t drink at all so I don''t see the appeal of being drunk.

Ditto. The guy did fess up and tell you himself, right? Otherwise there would have been no way for you to know it even happened? That seems to show an understanding that what he did was wrong and a willingness to change his behavior.

This does seem to be a bit of an overreaction to me. Could there be more to the story? Have you had a run in with a drunk driver before? Family with alcohol problems? If so, I think it''s important to seperate your FI from these previous experiences.

 

[Kelli]

Sorry this happened. Luckily no one was hurt. While I certainly don''t condone drunk driving, I don''t see how giving him rules to follow makes the situation better. He is an adult, and although adults don''t always make the best choices, they really have to make them for themselves. I know you''re upset and worried about his safety, but IMHO you can''t "cut someone off" without having some resentment later. That''s a little too controlling for my tastes. He knows he you feel about it and seems to really feel sorry for it. I would personally rather him fix the situation himself, not because I told him I''m calling off the wedding if he did it again.

 

[hereforsupport]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone.

HudsonHawk, Lilac and vrbeauty- what you said is exactly what I'm thinking, thank you.

Mediterranean - I appreciate your input, it's good to hear that I didn't overreact. I agree to an extent, if this happened again, ie there were signs of bad habits, I would be out like a shot. I just feel that leaving over one mistake is too much. People are allowed mistakes every now and then. I'm sure I'll mess up sometime in the future, and I'd want the chance to make it right. I think for me, there are definitely situations as I said where once is too much and it's gotta end. But this isn't one of them. For me.

meresal - thanks, that comparison helps. It's something he knows I hate. I work with a brain injured people. So many are from stupid driving accidents. I thought he was on the same page about this, I'm shocked it happened. He just never does this, he's a nerd of a driver and usually very sensible. I don't know what happened.

Porridge - thanks, I hope so too.

rhbgirl - I think you're right about it being the breach of trust. Just to clarify, I don't want him to go into rehab, I meant to visit a centre where crash victims were being rehabilitated. For half an hour or something. My work would make this an easy task. I'm not making him do it, I meant it as an example of what could be done to show me he was sorry. It was actually my friends idea.

Fiery - you know I wondered too why I was so upset and ready to run. But I couldn't, thoughts of life without FI made me literally sick, if it would be over because of one mistake that he's trying to fix. Thanks for the perspective.

Katamari - I'm worried about his lack of judgement when drinking. I know everyone has impaired judgement when drinking, but not all get into a car. I guess I want him to hold back from it to regain his perspective. But you're right, it probably is too excessive - part of the initial shock I guess. Maybe a better idea would be agreeing on a drink limit, or agreeing to communicate alternative transportation arrangements? Thanks for that info, didn't know that! It's all a bit black and white in my head.

Lucyandroger - you're right, it does mean a huge amount to me that he told me. His honesty is such a big part of why I love him. And I am overly sensitive to this because I work with crash victims. It's just that he knew this, and I thought we were on the same page.

I haven't cancelled the wedding. It's quite a way away anyway. I just don't feel comfortable planning a wedding until I'm past this. That's what I meant by putting a halt to proceedings.

I am calming down a lot, thanks very much everyone for helping. It probably seemed worse because it came from so far out of left field, it was so out of character, I was in total shock.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Ok, when I first started reading through the posts I didn''t respond because quite frankly I didn''t agree - and I didn''t want to be the debbie downer. But after reading some more posts, I have a few allies and so I will post my opinion.

I completely think you are overreacting, and if you would potentially call off a marriage over this than I would seriously consider the strength of your relationship in the first place. What happens if an actual crisis were to occur while you were married, would you just file for divorce?

I am sorry, because I am usually quite a sympathetic person. I can see how this would anger you, but I believe your actions are way too extreme on this one. It is one mistake, he was honest and he feels bad. You are not his mother, you can''t simply tell him that''s it -no more drinking. He is an adult, and he didn''t make a very adult like choice, but I amby the sounds of it he won''t do it again.

You have shown that it upset you, but leave it at that and let it go. There must be some other underlying issues for you to react this way, as most people would scold their partner, communicate the potential risks, and let them know that you won''t tolerate it in the future. I don''t think this is a trust issue at all - and going to a rehab centre - it is all soooo extreme. If it is out of character, than I think you have done enough. If this were a reoccuring issue than I could see your point - but at this stage I don''t.

I am sorry if I have come across abrubt in your time of need - I don''t know who you actually are so I don''t have any background about you, but I will send you my hugs and support regardless of our differing opinions. I don''t like any of my PS friends to feel upset! I really hope for you and your FI you can get through this A-OK

 

[NovemberBride]

I am on the opposite side of those who don''t think it is that big of a deal. I would never, ever date or be married to someone who chooses to drive drunk. It is reckless and shows a total disregard for your own life and for others. I have no idea how this would not be a deal-breaker for everyone.

That said, I am married to a man who got a DUI before we met. I am not naive and I am certain that he did not get caught the first time he did it. Luckily for him, he learned from his mistake and now would never consider drinking and driving. If we both choose to drink (well, prior to my being pregnant) we take a cab. I knew about his DUI from the beginning, he was very upfront about it and how he had learned from his mistake and would never do it again. If I had seen or heard of him driving drunk even once while we were together, that would have been it for me. So I can see how upset you are. If this really is the first time and you have plenty of time until the wedding, I suggest that you give him the chance to prove it was a one time occurrence and that it will never happen again. If it does, I would walk.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:00:48 PM
Author: hereforsupport

Fiery - you know I wondered too why I was so upset and ready to run. But I couldn''t, thoughts of life without FI made me literally sick, if it would be over because of one mistake that he''s trying to fix. Thanks for the perspective.

I completely understand that feeling. FI and I went through the same exact thing. Actually we went through two similar situations: one was driving home drunk and the other was shutting off his cell phone. In the very beginning of our relationship, maybe a few months into it he would let his phone die all the time. I told him that he needed to stop doing that. Not so much because it bothered me but he could be hurt or I could be hurt and we had no way of communicating with each other. So he always made sure to charge it. Then about a year or so into our relationship, he got really wasted and drove home. I was so worried that I drove an hour away from my home just to make sure he got home ok. We discussed it the next day. I told him its not that I was upset at his drinking. He’s an adult capable of making his own choices with re: to drinking. However, the driving drunk is unacceptable and frankly its really, really selfish. He never did it again. Now when he goes out without me, he stops at two-three drinks. When we’re together its different because as I said I don’t drink so I’m always the DD.
It’ll all work itself out. Remember that you love him and said yes for a reason. He has apologized about it and he will learn his lesson. Your job is to trust that it won’t happen again. It’s ok to be worried that it’ll happen again but you have to move forward with the relationship trusting that the man you love will take your feelings into consideration and wont’ do it again.

 

[hereforsupport]

No you're right Dreaming, I did overreact at the beginning. As I said, I think it was just because it was so unlike him. For a while, it was like he was a stranger ya know? I couldn't put my FI and someone who would drive drunk together. Also long distance is really making things difficult. The time difference is enormous. I only got to talk to him at work. He didn't seem at the time to be in the least bit upset or remorseful. It took me a while to realize that that was just because he was at work! But the combination of that and the shock did cause me to overreact. It would have been a lot different I think if we could have just talked face to face. We've talked since and I understand he's upset and I've calmed a lot now.

NovemberBride - I see your point, but I think in this situation, there's a difference between driving drunk and thinking it's ok, and making one stupid mistake, being shocked and upset with yourself and vowing never to do it again.

Fiery thanks so much for that. I'm really glad to hear how another couple got through it. I wish we could talk face to face, I feel it would all have been sorted so much quicker and with much less fuss!

It's a weird one. People have different views on drink driving. People clearly have different boundaries and deal-breakers. Again, it's probably a bigger deal to me than most because of work. After thought, a once off offense is not a deal-breaker for me. Repeated, it would be.

 

[Bliss]

I understand your concern. I would feel this way as well. Seeing how alcoholism can destroy relationships, marriages and families - it is indeed a deadly serious concern. Also, putting himself in danger like that - could lead to him being drunk and driving with your child in the backseat one day if he does not get help.

DUI or DWI is a very very serious, costly career and life wrecking consequence. It is on your record and employers DO see that so it can really hurt your career. Also, if he killed or hurt someone, there would be that immense devasation not to mention the liability issue. Your family would be sued for millions of dollars depending on the circumstance and it would wreck many lives emotionally, financially and much much more.

It is VERY VERY SERIOUS. He could have killed someone. A family. My best friend died when I was in junior high because of a drunk driver. He was only driving a few miles to his house. He thought he could just drive that few miles and ended up killing my friend. He really killed 4 people that day. The parents were inconsolable and divorced. Her brother turned to drugs. He killed a whole family that day by his thoughtless act. I consider drunk driving attempted murder and wish it were a more serious crime to deter people from doing this. I do.

I am so glad no one was hurt - please get your FI some help for himself, yourself and others. Thank you for being so responsible and getting him the help he needs so that he doesn't harm anyone.

 

[Jen_91909]

I can understand your heightened sensitivity to this issue after reading about your profession. Not trying to imply it shouldn''t be a big issue- I too have little to no tolerance for those who choose to drive after drinking too much. Just saying I can see how working with brain damaged people from such accidents must make these feelings even more intense for you.
That being said, I''m not convinced laying specific punishments or rules on your FI is the best way to go. He was honest with you and seems to seriously regret the incidence - the disappointment he knows you have in him as well as the disappointment he must have in himself is probably more than enough for him to learn his lesson here.

 

[LadyBlue]

I understand you being upset, driving when you are drunk is very dangerous, and I''m sure that you working in a hospital make you more aware of the problems that brings to drive after drink alcohol.

I''m not totally agree about wanting to break out with your BF, FI or DH. I think humans can make mistakes, and we are here to support and help the people that we loved. If you really love him, I will think you will want to stay with him and show him why is better for him and the society not to drive and drink at the same time. Married brings biggest problems than that, and you have to be ready to work as a team to be a better person, couple and human every day.

 

[MonkeyPie]

What was he doing during that 1.5-2 hours that he stopped drinking? Just wallowing in his drunk, or drinking water and eating?

That makes a big difference as to his level of intoxication.

 

[hereforsupport]

Bliss - you hit the nail on the head. I''m upset at what he could have done to us, to his family, to another family. THANK GOD that didn''t happen this time, but it might have, and he just can''t put everyone in that situation again. I''m so sorry about your friend, I really am. I''ve lost two neighbours and my best friend''s brother. There is no excuse for doing it, and it must be stopped. I do feel very strongly about it.

 

[hereforsupport]

Jen - you''re right, after reading these posts I realize specific rules and punishments aren''t going to do anything but create resentment. I suppose I was just trying to regain control of the situation and try to make it right on my own. I talked briefly to him there (he''s at work) and said I''d trust him to make it up to me his own way. But I do need him to show me he''s sorry and he won''t do it again.

Gaby - you are right too, but I''ve said that I''m not thinking of breaking up with him and that I realize people make mistakes.

MonkeyPie - good question, I don''t actually know that. I do know he ate dinner about 2 hours before his last drink.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:00:48 PM
Author: hereforsupport
Thanks so much for the replies everyone.



rhbgirl - I think you''re right about it being the breach of trust. Just to clarify, I don''t want him to go into rehab, I meant to visit a centre where crash victims were being rehabilitated. For half an hour or something. My work would make this an easy task. I''m not making him do it, I meant it as an example of what could be done to show me he was sorry. It was actually my friends idea.


I haven''t cancelled the wedding. It''s quite a way away anyway. I just don''t feel comfortable planning a wedding until I''m past this. That''s what I meant by putting a halt to proceedings.

I am calming down a lot, thanks very much everyone for helping. It probably seemed worse because it came from so far out of left field, it was so out of character, I was in total shock.

Ok, this makes more sense. But I dont think I would have reacted as strongly as you. He is an adult, he knows what he did was wrong. To make him go and see victims of his possible crime sounds more like a mother to me than a significant other. To me a fiance should be on *his* side too....... Not sure if you want to start your relationship that way. But I do feel for you, and I wish you didn''t have to deal with this at all.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[NovemberBride]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:33:50 PM
Author: hereforsupport
No you''re right Dreaming, I did overreact at the beginning. As I said, I think it was just because it was so unlike him. For a while, it was like he was a stranger ya know? I couldn''t put my FI and someone who would drive drunk together. Also long distance is really making things difficult. The time difference is enormous. I only got to talk to him at work. He didn''t seem at the time to be in the least bit upset or remorseful. It took me a while to realize that that was just because he was at work! But the combination of that and the shock did cause me to overreact. It would have been a lot different I think if we could have just talked face to face. We''ve talked since and I understand he''s upset and I''ve calmed a lot now.

NovemberBride - I see your point, but I think in this situation, there''s a difference between driving drunk and thinking it''s ok, and making one stupid mistake, being shocked and upset with yourself and vowing never to do it again.

Fiery thanks so much for that. I''m really glad to hear how another couple got through it. I wish we could talk face to face, I feel it would all have been sorted so much quicker and with much less fuss!

It''s a weird one. People have different views on drink driving. People clearly have different boundaries and deal-breakers. Again, it''s probably a bigger deal to me than most because of work. After thought, a once off offense is not a deal-breaker for me. Repeated, it would be.

Hereforsupport, I totally agree that there is a difference between thinking it''s ok and not thinking it''s ok and vowing never to do it again. My point was really that there''s a difference between "vowing never to do it again" and "never doing it again" and that you need to take the time to see if he really means what he says. The whole actions speak louder than words thing. I obviously believe that it''s possible to mean what you say, since I am married to a reformed drunk driver, but I also know there are plenty of people who drive drunk every weekend and when pressed by a loved one, might say they''ll never do it again but go right ahead and do it the next weekend. Only you know and time will tell which one your FI is. I wish you the best of luck and hope he does mean it!

 

[rockzilla]

I am in the camp that says drunk driving is totally unacceptable. Some people say the same thing about cheating "Oh, it only happened once, it was a mistake, he is sorry...etc." For certain people this is OK, they could live with it. For others, they''d be throwing the jerk out on his butt. Some of my friends would NEVER date someone who smoked. Others, would overlook it for the right person.

I am extremely fortune in that my fiance and I both don''t drink, so god willing we''ll never have to deal with this situation. BUT, the fact is, before you have ONE drink you need to know how you are getting home. The average person needs 1 hour to metabolize 1 drink. So, if you have 7 beers in 2 hours, you need another FIVE hours minimum before you are OK to drive. In addition, many drinks are actually more than 1 serving of alcohol - think a large glass of wine, giant beer, or one of those huge margaritas. You have to factor that in, and, like counting calories its nearly impossible to know how much you''ve actually drunk. Compounding the fact is that, once you start drinking, you become a REALLY bad judge of how impaired you actually are.

The idea here is not to say never drink, but if you are planning to have say, more than 1 drink over a 2 hour dinner, you should NOT be driving. Make plans for a taxi. Too expensive? I don''t care. Have a friend pick you up. Too embarassing? I don''t care. You have to make this decision BEFORE you start drinking, and you can''t count on your friends (probably also drinking) to make it for you. If you aren''t responsible enough to do this, you shouldn''t drink. Period.

I understand where you''re coming from - its not that he just "made a mistake" - he showed really really poor judgement and an inability to make proper choices on something that was serious and endangered someone''s life. He didn''t forget your birthday. He didn''t mail in his cell phone bill late and now there''s a late fee. He endangered his and others'' lives.

Should you dump him for it? I''d venture to say that may be a little extreme. But you HAVE to take it seriously, and talk about how you both a) prevent THIS problem in the future and b) make lifestyle choices that impact your health and safety.