Feeling neglected - dealing with busy schedules?

[absolut_blonde]

I don't know if I am posting about this for sympathy, or advice, or what. I guess I just wanted to vent. This has been weighing on my mind for awhile and I feel really alone in this.

I feel so disconnected from SO lately. He has been working absolutely insane hours- often 14 hour days, sometimes more- partly to finish our house, which is a huge project (and poses a time crunch because the trades are all lined up and everything is interdependent - as a contractor, he's doing some of it himself) and partly because he's finishing up a course. So this is largely out of his control. Ultimately, the things he are doing right now will serve to give us a much better, more financially secure future. I know he is doing all of this with the best of intentions but sometimes I think he fails to remember that the relationship we have in the present also requires maintenence. And I guess that's probably understandable, given how busy he is.

It has really taken a toll on our relationship. I still love him and I am still IN love with him... but I feel as though we've become very distant. Even the more intimate aspects of our relationship have suffered due to a lack of time and energy, and that's something I have always felt was very important. Some days I just feel like we coexist, we're so disconnected.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am being understanding enough. He is under an enormous amount of stress and is unbelievably sleep deprived, so I do feel badly for him. It's hard for me to gauge whether or not I am being reasonable.

Everything is close to being wrapped up, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't help but feel like it will take a lot of time and energy to get things back to how they used to be - that happy, close, connected feeling. Has anyone gotten through something similar?

 

[mimzy]

i''m not secure in this enough to say that it''s normal, but i''ve experienced that in my relationship in the past. i think the term ''coexist'' is particularly fitting. for me it usually seemed to be a combination of stress, having different current focuses, and a lack of communication that was the culprit. but sometimes it was totally irrational. i think everyone''s wavelengths can get a little spastic at times, and that sometimes it just takes a little bit of time to sync up again. how long have you felt this way?

just do what you can to feel connected to him - talking on the phone more, putting aside certain times during the day/week to spend solely with each other, etc. and i don''t think that you are being unreasonable at all (unless you are completely lashing out at him and aren''t telling us

) - your feelings are valid and it''s not crazy to think that it''s cause for concern. my cousin/BM is going through pretty much the exact same thing right now with her FF. she was really concerned at first, but eventually she realized that it was a phase and that while it is an exceptionally sucky phase, that it''s not about her and that it doesn''t change their love for each other - it''s just something that they have to get through.

i hope your SO finds a better balance between work and life outside work. hopefully this is just a transient phase that soon you''ll hardly remember feeling the way you do

 

[EricaR]

I know exactly how you feel, and I think it happens with every relationship. I work full time and volunteer as a trail guide/hiking leader on the weekend. My FI also works full time and has things he does on the weekend. Sometimes it feels like the only time we spend together is when we are sleeping side by side and that doesn''t do much to make us feel connected!

There are a few things that we''ve done to keep it from being an issue. If either of us starts to feel that disconnect we immediately mention it. Sometimes he''s getting home from work as I''m going to bed, so I always ask for a "tuck-in" where he comes in and we snuggle for a few minutes as I''m climbing into bed. If he''s at his computer I''ll go in and rub his shoulders as he works. Just those little things can make a huge difference.

 

[purelily]

Hi Absolut_blonde,
I''m sorry that you don''t get to see your SO much -- it can be really difficult. Have you thought about talking to him about it?
I''m sort of in the same situation... My SO works really long hours too... He goes to work at 9 then comes home at 7 and continues to work until 2 am. He even works weekends!

So, I decided to sit him down and we talked about it. Now, when he gets home I fix dinner and he takes about an hour off to "chill" and talk to me (no work at the dinner table!) and then he gets back to work. Its not the best situation, but I know its important that he works so I try to make the best of it by having him take food breaks where we can talk.

Would this be a feasible idea?? Good luck!

 

[bee*]

I''m kind of in your bf''s place at the moment in that I''ve been studying from early in the morning until late at night and haven''t seen D much over the past month (even though we live together). I''ve been doing my best to try and make an effort to sit downstairs and have dinner with him etc and find out what he''s being doing but it''s tough as I just have so much to learn at the moment. He''s given me his full support though and endless cups of tea and coffee have been brought upstairs to the study! My exams finish on Thursday so I''m going to spoil him this weekend. If your bf''s thing is going on for longer, perhaps you could organise a date night or something with him so that you guys can chat and have fun.

 

[gwendolyn]

J and I have been working opposite schedules and I've had similar feelings of distance because of it. Most days I leave for work before he's up, and he gets home from work after I've gone to bed. To help us keep in contact a bit better about everyday stuff (both important--i.e. bills paid--and not--i.e. talked to my dad today, he says hi), we've been leaving each other notes. It's not much, but it doesn't take more than a minute or two and leaves us (well, me at least) feeling more at ease knowing that we still have some idea what's going on with the other. Maybe that could help get you through until this is over?

 

[absolut_blonde]

Thanks guys. I just needed some sympathy and understanding. It helps to not feel so alone. Plus, I am uber-stressed out too (decided to go back on ADs- Lexapro this time- after much resistance) so I wanted to vent on here rather than freak out at SO.

I think things will get better for the holidays -- we have a ton of plans, so I will see him more. Hopefully we will be able to reconnect a bit and lessen some of the tension.

 

[decodelighted]

I can sympathize. Its a hard thing to go through for sure. We have a bit of that kind of thing happening right now & I have a lot of guilt about it ... he''s working longer/harder partly because my freelancing has been so slow in this economy. Which only leaves me MORE time to stress about stuff & feel lonely & him LESS time to "chill" without me. (We both require a lot of "me" time).

The *reason* for the disconnect can help you keep things straight upstairs. He''s working on the house & the future for both of you. That''s a plus.

Maybe you could work out some of your frustrations & energy by doing nice things for him. Keeping up one side of the relationship (nurturing, affection etc) can help bridge the gap in the meantime. Even if he''s very busy he''ll surely appreciate *special* treats/meals/thoughtfulness/notes etc. He needs fuel too to get through the hustle. Just an idea. (I''m trying that now & it does help me!)

 

[Dreamgirl]

Are you kidding me? That was SO me and S last year. He was intensly under high pressure for finishing college. He was taking accelerated courses and had no time for us...literally AT ALL. It was very rough on us. I couldn''t stand the fact that he was always too busy even to just talk really. We probably went out to get groceries on a Sunday and eat out (someplace quick) but never had any fun time together. It was like that for 2 years. At first, I kept nagging him about it. He just didn''t have much time for me. He kept telling me he was doing this for us and the sooner he finished, the sooner we can have our time again. I did see him everyday but that was literally it. I saw him. It was incredibly frustrating. He was also so in tune with what he was studying that he didn''t really have time to think about anything else.

My advice to you is that the two of you will get through this. If there is love, you will survive! I know it''s hard to believe. Sometimes I thought he would never finish, we were growing apart and it was breaking me. He finally graduated this past May and has had plenty of time for us! We are so much in love and so happy. We worked through it. I just had to support him while he was working hard to advance himself in life. He never stopped loving me by the way, he just really didn''t have much personal time at all which put a damper on our relationship. We weren''t fighting either. There just wasn''t time for ''us''

*HUGS* and love being sent your way!!! You will get through this......just hold tight!

 

[Bia]

Sweetie, I think most relationships go through this at some point. I certainly did with my BF a few years ago. I was having a rough time being busy with work and life...that combined with my grandmother's death made me sort of closed off. We were together, but not. I was busy, he was busy. When we saw eachother it was fine for the first few minutes, because we were trying so hard to be "normal and good," but then it would just be weird, exactly how you said: coexisting. Once things got back to normal, meaning the pressure and stress had ceased, I was able to be myself and he was able to get through to me. The problem just went away.

Although, even still, to be honest, I feel that way now once in awhile--when you're in school that can happen very easily (esp the last few weeks with presentations up the wazoo and finals). He and I are very into eachother but we get routine easily. Sometimes I find myself wondering how he can be at the computer playing chess and me on my laptop doing homework for three days in a row...with nothing fun thrown into the mix! We have to make the effort, thats all. I think I mentioned here that a few weekends ago, we, very spontaneously, decided to stay home, put on a fire and did pizza and movies all weekend. It was a way for us to reconnect after having been so busy with other things.

Try doing something similar. Make time to do something fun and romantic. Even if at first he doesn't want to...make it easy for him to say yes, but hard for him to say no. Tell him how much you love him and how much you appreciate him, and all that he does for you. Acknowledge the strides he is making...so he can be reminded that it is all going to be worth it in the end. And be sure to tell him that you miss him lately, and you understand that he's under stress but that you want you both to make an effort to spend more quality time together.

Good luck honey...let us know how it goes.

 

[musey]

We''ve gone through phases of this as well, to some degree. I think it''s totally normal.

If it were us and our relationship, I''d talk to him honestly about how I''m/we''re feeling and what we can do to help/fix the situation. Some people may go on the defense, though ("it''s not my fault, I''m doing my best").

It helps to make your time together very low-key and intimate. Don''t try to squeeze in a trip to the theatre or dinner out--just do the simplest thing you can, if it''s ordering in and watching a movie, do it. We really reconnect playing video games together, I know it sounds dumb, but we get so silly and playful and just make each other laugh. It''s great. Something like that may really help you.

 

[*Danielle*]

I feel your pain. Me and SO both work full time and go to school full time. I work 7 am to 4 and most of his shifts are 12 or 3 to 10 or later. I stay up late to see him and cuddle for a bit before crashing. Today we worked the same hours but his final project and test are tonight.

The best thing you can do is cherish the time you do get. Maybe get into a routine like taking a few minutes to just relax together everyday (or as often as possible) so you both get some couple time. Just know that it will get better!