Feeling conflicted...

[Echidna]

Hi lovely ladies,

I''m not a newlywed yet but I''d like some perspective from those that have gone before me, so I hope you don''t mind if I ask for some support

Is there anyone here that purchased a house with their DH prior to marriage, with the understanding that they would get married at some point relatively soon (1-2 yrs) after? My SO and I have been together nearly two years, living together for a year, and bought a house together 3-4 months ago (after 6 months of searching). I''m experiencing these oddly conflicted feelings because I''m really excited about making a home with him (much like a traditional newlywed, I guess?) but I''m constantly worried because I''m still a LIW. These feelings came up over the weekend, and during discussions SO asked me to trust him. He deserves that trust; he always follows through on his promises and never promises what he doesn''t intend to deliver. I''m just very afraid I''ll end up a cautionary tale and I''m not dealing with the limbo period particularly well...

Anyone with similar experiences who wants to tell me it''ll be okay?

Suggestions about how to deal with the interim period? I think I just need some reassurance, but I don''t want to harp on it to SO!


PS. I''m Australian, so for all legal intents and purposes I have the rights of a wife. We have legal documentation in place too. This is a purely emotional issue for me!

 

[noelwr]

we bought our house together 5 years before we got married. we also signed a cohabitation agreement, which in Holland is almost the same as being married, the only difference is that if one of you dies, you are not entitled to each other's posessions that were not purchased for use by both of you inside the home (like car, bank account, fine art). so if you were to have a cohabitation agreement plus a will, it would be exactly the same as being married.

anyway, when we bought the place together, we didn't have an understanding that we would eventually get married. but obviously we did have the understanding that we planned a future together.

if your SO says to trust him, then you should do just that. I wouldn't discuss it with him further as he might then feel pushed to ask you much sooner than he planned and would you ever want him to tell you in the future: "I asked you only because that's what I thought you wanted me to do"? if he says trust him, that means he definitely has something planned. it might not be this year or next, but he definitely has it planned and just because you're ready doesn't mean he is.

my belief is that if you can't wait any longer, then you should ask him. I proposed to my now husband. it wasn't because I thought he'd never do it; I just always knew from the beginning that I wanted to break tradition and be the one to ask him. he feels all the more special for it, and he should. but I know this isn't for everyone, so for now I say just be patient.

 

[treefrog]

I''m not a lovely lady but how about a guy''s opinion?

I suspect that in your mind, you felt the house would get you one step closer to that ring. In reality though, you probably lost a step. Probably not a big step though. With the new finances, moving in, getting the house established, and all the stress related with that I suspect his "trust me" is genuine. In his mind, he probably has a plan and he wants to do it right. He''s just overwhelmed right now. Something tells me his words are genuine. Let the dust settle a little more, don''t pressure him, and have a little faith in him. I know it''s tough but hang in there.

Treefrog

 

[elrohwen]

Well, I don''t think I would do it, but only because of the legal implications here in the states. I wouldn''t be comfortable getting some other agreement drawn up by a lawyer so I would just wait until we were married. However, in your case, the legal stuff is already taken care of, so I think it''s great that you guys were able to buy a place together!

Is the problem that you feel you''re playing house, without having the commitment yet? I can certainly see why that would bother you. I guess you really just need to trust your SO or keep talking to him about it. Let him know that you''re uncomfortable and let him know your fears. He loves you so he should be happy to talk about it with you and calm your fears.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Yep, we were not living together, but I needed his income to pass the coop board (I could swing the mortgage, but the board not so much). So, legally we bought it together, but I put all the money down his name was on everything. We also had a signed doc that he had no right to the property if we broke up. We did break up less than a month after closing, and remained broken up for the next 4-5 months. It had a happy ending for us, and we both were ok with the arrangement and legally had protected ourselves, but I wouldn''t recommend it unless you are certain the other person won''t try to screw you over, even if things go south...which is almost impossiblet o do b/''c people can react in suprising ways...

 

[dcgator]

Date: 1/12/2010 9:26:44 AM
Author: treefrog
I''m not a lovely lady but how about a guy''s opinion?

I suspect that in your mind, you felt the house would get you one step closer to that ring. In reality though, you probably lost a step. Probably not a big step though. With the new finances, moving in, getting the house established, and all the stress related with that I suspect his ''trust me'' is genuine. In his mind, he probably has a plan and he wants to do it right. He''s just overwhelmed right now. Something tells me his words are genuine. Let the dust settle a little more, don''t pressure him, and have a little faith in him. I know it''s tough but hang in there.

Treefrog

Echidna

While I am a girl, I do agree with Treefrog. My then BF moved in with me in Jan 08 because of a less than savory roommate situation. We did have the talk that he "wouldn''t be getting the milk without having to eventually buy the cow" but with that understanding, we did move in. We ended up purchasing a condo in April ''08 since we were sick of wasting money on rent. As Treefrog noted, that was kind of a step backwards, though not emotionally, just financially. Since he spent a good deal of savings on a downpayment, he depleted the potential ring money. However, the longer we were living together, the more impatient I got.

So yes, this creates a bit of an issue. While as women with no ring, we got more anxious, as men with no ring money, they want/need more time. It''s a seriously vicious cycle. In Sept ''08, I did have a minor break down to him one day and cried about feeling like we were never going to get married and I felt like I should leave the relationship. Meanwhile, he was actually ordering the ring that week, and because I was crying and feeling miserable he just blurted that out. So I felt silly and he ruined his surprise.

Not to worry though, he managed to throw me off his scent and still surprised me with a proposal a month later. So, moral of ths story, do trust him. I am sure he is working on it. I know that I shouldn''t talk, since I lost it before, but do try to wait. It will make the surprise all that sweeter

Good luck and hang in there!

 

[meresal]

What is it that you are worried about?

Waiting longer to be married? Losing a place to live? I''m not sure I understand completely...

 

[sctsbride09]

Dh and I lived together almost the whole time we dated, but we were renting, still are actually. Personally, we did not want to buy a house without being married first, but everyones situation is different. Maybe if we lived somewhere that both parties are protected (as you are) it would have been different. However, as a person who likes to do things *in order* I can perfectly understand your frustration. I would say that since you have only been in your house for a few months, give him some time maybe to let the dust settle and such. The man may have something really cool up his sleeve.

For now, just enjoy having a new place, decorating and all that fun stuff. ETA- I see you are having your 2nd ann. maybe he has a plan for then?!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I had HUGE "why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free" issues. DH and I practically moved in together within 4 months of dating, but I kept my apartment for another 8 months at least because I was deathly afraid of being left out in the cold in the case of a break up.

Giving up my apartment was the hardest thing to do even though we had discussed getting married and doing it quickly. It was so stressful for me to have to wait and I hated that I "felt" married, but I wasn''t. We got engaged 5 months after I moved in and now we are married, but I know in my heart that we would have broken up if things hadn''t progressed as quickly.

Good Luck with everything.

 

[Bliss]

Hi there. It sounds to me like you're just having some very natural fears. I don't know your SO from your single post, but I can infer that you trust him and that you feel he is an honorable man of his word. Everyone has mini-freak out moments from time to time. And of course, I would feel that way if I bought a house with my SO and we weren't engaged. But it sounds like you two have a solid relationship and that he is good man who is dedicated to you for life.

I remember when we were dating, I said something flippantly about how it wasn't like we were married. (I was nowhere near ready then.) But DH said, "In my heart you were my wife from the moment we met." To some men it's so obvious that you're going to be together forever, so absolute that they proceed in the way that's most natural to them. They're usually happy to get engaged, though. So if you're not feeling any resistance and he's reassuring you - I would try to be patient.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has already bought the ring or is looking for the perfect diamond. Give him some time or discuss a general time frame, like 3-6 months if you're both ready.

Like I wrote earlier, though... I can't tell very much from just one post. But I always say to listen to your instincts.

Congrats on the new home!

 

[TooPatient]

Hi Echidna.

No real advice to add. The women above (and Treefrog) have covered it pretty well.

Have you been into Ladies in Waiting? You should take a look and consider joining in. No one over there bites. Well... not too hard.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Oh Bliss,

your DH sounds like a gem. mine said something similar but not so poetic...I was staying with him one summer b/c my housing had fallen through and we were on a walk and he said something like "well since your my wife" I was like "hold the phone, we''re not married, remember" and he got all embarressed and admitted he thought of me that way

Sometimes guys are a little dense. It took 5 more years before we actually got married

 

[Shoopy]

Echidna,

I''m not a newlywed either but here is my perspective. It totally depends on the couple. Two examples:

My FI and I were together for 4 years before moving in together and had been living together for 2 years before he proposed. From the moment we discussed marriage, it took him 8 months to propose (most of that time was spent ring saving and searching). We''ll be getting married this year if everything goes well. But from the very beginning we have talked about sharing a life together. There was never really any stress of being unsure that we were "it" for each other except for some of my crazy LIWitis days and the issues we have faced since we are new parents that we are working through.

The other example I have is not as pleasant. My coworker and her ex-bf were together for 3 years prior to moving in. From the beginning, everyone noticed that she put in a lot of love and effort while he did nothing. She is from Puerto Rico and just learned English maybe 5 years ago when she moved to Miami. She made the effort to get to know his culture but he wouldn''t make the effort to understand hers. And whenever the conversation of getting married came up, it was usually between her and an overly-excited MIL. He told her it was due to money since they had just moved in together and then was given a hefty bonus ($20k) and used that money to purchase the new 2010 camaro

. She has left him and moved out of the home they shared. She finally stopped lying to herself and realized that this man was not interested in getting married any time soon.

My point is that you have to look at the overall history of the relationship and really be honest with yourself about where it is going. That''s sometimes hard to do.

Have you talked to him about what he is waiting for? A home purchase is a big one and it could be that he is intimidated about making another big purchase such as an e-ring.

 

[Echidna]

Thank you so much noelwr, treefrog, elrohwen, bella_mezzo, dcgator, meresal, sctsbride09, wannaBMrsH, Bliss, TooPatient, and fiery for your very kind words. Sorry treefrog for leaving out the GIW perspective!

There are so many truths in your posts that I''ll try to address them all! You''ve all pretty much hit the nail on the head: it''s great that we were in the position to buy a house and it was an excellent financial decision regardless of the relationship outcome BUT I feel like I''ve lost a step doing it because it has inevitably delayed the engagement for financial reasons (very true, Treefrog). I feel conflicted playing house (which I LOVE doing) without the underlying commitment to getting married (very true, elrohwen). In that sense, I''m worried I''ve stuffed things up because I''ve done things *in the wrong order* (so true, sctsbride09, that is me all over). Does that explain a little better, meresal? I probably can''t even articulate it to myself!

Thank you for all the stories from your experiences (especially yours, fiery- good perspective). I really needed to see that it happens all the time, even if it''s not exactly on my Type-A personality timeline, and 10 years down the road it won''t make any difference (or better yet, we''ll be in a more solid financial position because it happened this way)! I going to give myself a good shake, try to calm down, trust my SO (because in his mind he''s already committed, so thank you Bliss!). And deep breath out....

 

[treefrog]

Date: 1/12/2010 7:20:47 PM
Author: Echidna
Thank you so much noelwr, treefrog, elrohwen, bella_mezzo, dcgator, meresal, sctsbride09, wannaBMrsH, Bliss, TooPatient, and fiery for your very kind words. Sorry treefrog for leaving out the GIW perspective!

Thank you for all the stories from your experiences (especially yours, fiery- good perspective). I really needed to see that it happens all the time, even if it''s not exactly on my Type-A personality timeline, and 10 years down the road it won''t make any difference (or better yet, we''ll be in a more solid financial position because it happened this way)! I going to give myself a good shake, try to calm down, trust my SO (because in his mind he''s already committed, so thank you Bliss!). And deep breath out....

Hey... no apologies needed. Just trying to help because I felt like I could. Seriously, hang in there. It sounds like you have a good guy there. It really does. He could have responded in any number of ways but his response seems absolutely genuine to me. Continue being the woman he loves and trust that he knows how you feel.

Treefrog

 

[honey22]

I believe that if you really love this man and trust him enough to buy a house with him, he is worth the wait. Buying a house together IS making a commitment to each other IMO, if he didn''t want to be with you, he wouldn''t be buying a house with you. We bought our house 5 years before we were married. When we first moved in, I got really antsy with the whole LIW thing and it was certainly on my mind more. But I am really glad I didn''t pressure him or make him propose any sooner, he will do it in his own time.

 

[noelwr]

regarding playing house, maybe it will help with the patience if you look at it this way:

you could either be in the situation you are now:

bought a house together, live with the man you love, pretty much living as man and wife just without the little piece of paper that says so. he says to trust him (which means he does have a plan and will ask you to marry him when the time is right)

OR

you could be living alone in a house that you alone own, without your SO


which do you prefer?

 

[honey22]

Date: 1/13/2010 5:17:50 AM
Author: noelwr
regarding playing house, maybe it will help with the patience if you look at it this way:


you could either be in the situation you are now:


bought a house together, live with the man you love, pretty much living as man and wife just without the little piece of paper that says so. he says to trust him (which means he does have a plan and will ask you to marry him when the time is right)


OR


you could be living alone in a house that you alone own, without your SO



which do you prefer?

very well said noelwr! This is exactly how I see the situation.

On another note, have you sat down with your BF and explained how you are feeling? Scrap that, I just reread your original post again. Maybe he is planning a proposal now that you are in your home together? Who knows. I still wouldn''t push, you may just ruin a very special suprise.

 

[sctsbride09]

Echidna-I think the important thing to remember as a type A personality (me too!

), is that there is *no* correct order. What might be right for 1 person, may not be for another. Sometimes you have to go against your grain, kwim? Notice I said Dh and I lived together almost the whole time pre marriage? Wouldnt work for some people, lol. But the important thing is we did things on *our* time frame. Just try and remember that. It truly does sound like your bf has only the best intentions. I wish you luck and dont forget to post your proposal later.

 

[LilyKat]

The key point is that you trust him. He has promised you something and you have no reason to doubt he will deliver on that promise. Take a deep breath and relax

That said, I'm a firm believer that getting engaged should be a fully joint decision, that you come to together as two mature adults, rather than a will-he won't-he waiting game. I wouldn't get upset with him, but I would explain to him nicely that getting engaged sooner rather than later is important to you, and why. Be explicit about what you want. If he cares about you (which it sounds like he does), he will take your feelings into consideration regarding the timing.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 1/12/2010 4:59:27 AM
Author:Echidna
Hi lovely ladies,

I''m not a newlywed yet but I''d like some perspective from those that have gone before me, so I hope you don''t mind if I ask for some support

Is there anyone here that purchased a house with their DH prior to marriage, with the understanding that they would get married at some point relatively soon (1-2 yrs) after? My SO and I have been together nearly two years, living together for a year, and bought a house together 3-4 months ago (after 6 months of searching). I''m experiencing these oddly conflicted feelings because I''m really excited about making a home with him (much like a traditional newlywed, I guess?) but I''m constantly worried because I''m still a LIW. These feelings came up over the weekend, and during discussions SO asked me to trust him. He deserves that trust; he always follows through on his promises and never promises what he doesn''t intend to deliver. I''m just very afraid I''ll end up a cautionary tale and I''m not dealing with the limbo period particularly well...

Anyone with similar experiences who wants to tell me it''ll be okay?

Suggestions about how to deal with the interim period? I think I just need some reassurance, but I don''t want to harp on it to SO!


PS. I''m Australian, so for all legal intents and purposes I have the rights of a wife. We have legal documentation in place too. This is a purely emotional issue for me!

It WILL BE OK! Hang in there.
FI and I bought a house together and it took us 6 eyars to get engaged. But I never thought buying a house would make that happen....but I do admit it made me hope, more, that it would, especially the fist 6 months or so.

 

[zoebartlett]

It's funny, I never thought I'd want to buy property with anyone prior to becoming engaged or married, but I did. I guess I thought it would be too risky, but we ended up buying a condo and the risk level was not that high. We actually met with a lawyer-friend of my parents who drew up a basic agreement between my boyfriend (now husband) and I (just in case), so that if anything had happened, we'd settle things fairly. Luckily, nothing happened, we did get married, and we still own the condo.

My husband (then boyfriend) and I bought our condo a little after 2 years of dating. We weren't engaged yet but we knew we would be. That happened 5 months after we moved into our condo.

I'd say that if you and your boyfriend own property together, things will continue to grow between you two. I don't believe a guy would buy a house with someone if he didn't think it would be a forever kind of situation.

 

[charbie]

Date: 1/12/2010 11:33:55 AM
Author: wannaBMrsH
I had HUGE ''why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free'' issues. DH and I practically moved in together within 4 months of dating, but I kept my apartment for another 8 months at least because I was deathly afraid of being left out in the cold in the case of a break up.

Giving up my apartment was the hardest thing to do even though we had discussed getting married and doing it quickly. It was so stressful for me to have to wait and I hated that I ''felt'' married, but I wasn''t. We got engaged 5 months after I moved in and now we are married, but I know in my heart that we would have broken up if things hadn''t progressed as quickly.

Good Luck with everything.

same here! i moved in after 6 months bc my lease was up on my apartment and needed a place to say while still apt. searching. people told me i was nuts for moving in then moving out, but for me i needed that space to "run to" in case anything happened.
we got engaged 8 months later. one of his "proposal requests" was to get rid of the apartment.

i also agree that he is just wanting to do it right. let him do his thing- i have a feeling you''ll be a BIW and not a LIW soon

 

[Echidna]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. If only I''d waited a week to post this thread...

*sheepishly points to her own LIW engagement thread*

 

[treefrog]

Date: 1/21/2010 9:15:30 AM
Author: Echidna
Thank you all for your kind words and support. If only I''d waited a week to post this thread...

*sheepishly points to her own LIW engagement thread*

What? Really! That is fantastic, congratulations!

Must find your update...

Treefrog

 

[sctsbride09]

YAY!!

 

[Bliss]

Soooo happy for you! Something about your post...just rang of sincerity about how good of a man your FI is. I just felt in my gut that he was good on his word based on how you described him. Your post just rang of someone who was loved very much but felt nervous only in the moment.

Congrats!

 

[honey22]

See!!! We told you the man was worth waiting for!!!

Congrats on your engagement!!!!

 

[Echidna]

Date: 1/21/2010 3:31:12 PM
Author: honey22

See!!! We told you the man was worth waiting for!!!

Yes, you all did

The ladies and gentlemen of PS are correct again! It was just a Bliss says- freaked out in the moment. Thanks for talking it out with me long enough to enjoy my last un-enfianced week

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/21/2010 9:30:25 AM
Author: treefrog

Date: 1/21/2010 9:15:30 AM

Author: Echidna

Thank you all for your kind words and support. If only I''d waited a week to post this thread...


*sheepishly points to her own LIW engagement thread*

What? Really! That is fantastic, congratulations!

Must find your update...


Treefrog

I missed it too. Congratulations!