Feeling a little selfish...

[sumbride]

Three of my closest friends (and bridesmaids!) just did the MS Challenge Walk. They''ve been training all year and they raised a ton of money and they walked most of the walk, but couldn''t quite finish all 50 miles. Now they are blistered and bruised and one of them had her foot x-rayed yesterday for potential fracture... and yet, they signed up to do it again next year, the weekend before my wedding! While I''m SO proud of them for what they accomplished, I''m a little peeved that they had already committed to my wedding and then signed up to do this to themselves again just a few days before. There is another local walk that is a few weeks earlier, but they "got caught up in the moment" (their terms) and signed up for the same one.

Now I''m worried because they''re telling me they can''t move, they can''t put shoes on, they''re blistered, etc... and I''m thinking "how is it going to be different next year?" If they are in the same condition at the same time next year, then how are they going to get to the wedding in Texas, wear the strappy shoes they want to pick out, walk, stand and dance and be remotely happy? I just don''t see it happening, not to mention all the time off from work... They''ve each taken about a week off for the walk, which is fine, of course, but they''ll probably also need about that much time to get to and from the wedding, plus they mentioned a road-trip afterwards... I''m just seeing all sorts of complications. I''m annoyed, but then annoyed at myself since the walk is for charity and an amazing accomplishment, etc... etc... I just don''t understand why they couldn''t have signed up for the other one and given themselves more time to heal. They joked about signing me up to crew but I said "I''ll be in Texas already... don''t call and whine about your feet!"

Feeling a little petty, a little selfish, but still annoyed. These are close friends so I''d never be mad at them over this... but these are the same girls that wanted to take me to Iceland for the Bachelorette... they get in over their heads often.

 

[firebirdgold]

Somehow I''m getting the feeling that your bridesmaids are a bit immature.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 10/3/2006 10:51:54 AM
Author: IndieJones
Somehow I''m getting the feeling that your bridesmaids are a bit immature.

Not really, these ladies are in their late 30s, quite professional, and usually pretty with it, but I think there was a bit of "group-think" going on and they didn''t think it through.... but they can be a little silly too. One of them booked us all into ''eye-brow-plucking" appointments for this evening. Would I have voluntarily signed up for that??? NO!

 

[monarch64]

Um, there has to be an alternative here to them doing the whole 50 miles again next year, even though they signed up already. Can they maybe compromise with you and do crew/raising less money? i know that''s how it works in other walks...that way they can choose to walk few miles and still raise money. I think you have a valid concern here, and people do tend to get caught up in the moment during these things, so I understand both sides. BUT, they kind of already committed to being your BM''s before they signed up for the MS walk again, right? I don''t think you''re being the selfish one here.

 

[sumbride]

I''m hoping they can switch their registrations to the other walk. They signed up for the DC walk, but the Baltimore-Annapolis walk is 2 or 3 weeks earlier and is still close by. They assured me all would be fine, that they would be in better shape for the walk next year and wouldn''t be as prone to injury, but I just can''t see that as a guarantee. Walking 50 miles in 3 days is brutal on the body and I just don''t know what has gotten into them over this...

thanks, Monarch, for reassuring me. It''s not that I don''t want them to do it, I just don''t want them to do it a week before my wedding! Maybe I can talk some sense into them somehow.

 

[decodelighted]

HA! I''m laughing at myself ... ''cause I''d be mighty peeved too! Aigh. For all my "tough love" on Elle''s situation, man this steams me. I guess you can''t really expect people to put their lives on hold for your wedding BUT ... c''mon! They''d committed to that FIRST.

IMO -- You can''t really ask them to get out of it. Let ''em tromp around in strappy shoes with broken toes all they want to. BUT, you might want to ask a couple other girlfriends to help you in the way that these ladies WOULD have if they were at their full capacity. "Stand-In"s ... and give them token gifts of appreciation as honorary bridesmaids.

I have a hunch that these gals have MIXED feelings about you gettin'' hitched. They want their own "project" to focus on & train for etc ... feeling of accomplishment UNRELATED to you & your wedding. It''ll DISTRACT them from the emotional situation of "losing you" a little ... and how that makes them feel about their place in the world/their relationships etc.. I have BEEN THERE. Been the "bad bridesmaid" - a couple of times.

Conflicted/petulant/disorganized/self-obsessed ... all because of ME, NOTHING to do with how much I loved the Bride in Question.

GOOD LUCK! Get other help! **HUGS**

 

[robbie3982]

Sum, I''m not familiar with this walk. Do they get donations based on how far they go? Could you maybe have them promise to not go more than x miles, have them tell people this as their pledging and then they could just pledge a bit more? Also, I''d make it really clear that in better shape or not, they CAN NOT push themselves to the limit where they''re breaking bones. I have a feeling that they''ll feel a lot better by this weekend unless they''ve done serious damage.

I ran in the race for the cure this summer with no training. It was not a good idea. I couldn''t walk afterwards for a couple days, but by the next weekend I was feeling much better.

 

[sumbride]

Deco - I think you may be right... as happy as they are for me, it''s probably a little hard on them to watch me get married. I''m the youngest of the group and they''ve watched this relationship from first blush to engagement, they adore my FI, but still.... One of them just broke off an engagement earlier this year, so I can definitely see why she would be upset, the other two are very single and one of them complains about it constantly... it''s probably a little bitter-sweet. I get that. And I do understand how having some huge project like this is helpful. But oh, how I wished they would have thought things through! I do have 3 other bridesmaids and a large family, so I''ll probably be ok as far as having help, but if they don''t have fun dancing it won''t be my fault!

Robbie - The MS Challenge walk is a 3 day walk, kind of like the Breast Cancer walk. You walk 20 miles one day, 20 miles the next, and then a final 10 on the third day, sleeping on cots in gyms and auditoriums along the way. It''s an endurance contest and a serious challenge. You have to raise $1500 a person just to participate. They started their training too late this year and two of them had some muscular injuries in relation to that... they say they''ll be fine next year since they can just keep training now, but still... in great shape or no, their feet are still going to be miserable. Maybe once the endorphins have worn off they''ll rethink it?

 

[Mara]

sum...tough call!! so in your last post you mentioned you have 3 other bm's and family who can help you out the days before the wedding, so would it really matter if these gals would not be around much? is it just that you want them to have fun dancing or do you really need their help at the wedding? if it's just that you don't want them to be in pain at the wedding or whatever but don't actually require their assistance etc then i don't think it's a huge deal. so they have to wear heels...for what? 4 hours? how many days after the walk? from people i know who have done something similar, within 3-4 days afterwards they are feeling pretty much fine. part of it is how much training you did beforehand of course.

i would just talk to them and say hey i noticed that the walk is 4 days before the wedding, so are you guys going to be okay with taking more time off work to travel and get ready for the wedding after the grueling walk? i just want to be sure we are all still on board here. and talk it out with them. i don't think that's 'selfish' as much as it is smart. BUT if they reassure you that they will be fine and you don't REQUIRE them to be at your beck and call for a few days before the wedding, then let them do their own thing. sure they agreed to do your wedding but this seems important to them too.

anyway, i wouldn't be peeved at this happening before my wedding, i'd be like que sera sera, you guys do whatever you want and i will line up alternative assistance just in case you all are in TRACTION. you have a year to plan for this if they do intend to do the walk next year...so i would talk to them about it, find out what their actual expectations are (and i don't mean talking to them as in while you guys are all out drinking or something....like actually set aside some time at a lunch or whatever to talk to them about it and sit them all down) and then go from there. in the end sure they did sign up for your wedding first but if they feel like they can hack both scenarios, then it's not up to you to say nay.

just a few thoughts!!!

 

[sumbride]

Mara - I just want them to be able to enjoy themselves and have fun and not be uncomfortable. But since they''re picking out their own shoes, I''ll let them worry about it. I was already planning to hire extra servers for the "traditional" roles of serving cake and punch... I don''t want to make them "work" on my wedding day, but I also don''t want them to be unhappy. In the end, it is their decision, so if they decide to do both, they''ll have to live with the consequences. I''ll just try not to be too loud when I whisper "I told you so!"

I already told them they need to be in Texas on Thursday before the Saturday ceremony because it''s such a long trip (4 hour flight, 3 hour drive) and they''re ok with that... I guess i''ll just let the chips, and bandaids, fall where they may.

And the next time they ask me what toenail polish color I want them to wear (!) I''ll say "blue so it will match the bruises AND the dresses!"

 

[Morticia]

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

I would say (tactfully) that you are concerned b/c of this year's injuries and next year's walk is only days before the wedding. You can say you admire their efforts towards the cause but you still have concerns. There is nothing wrong with that.

It's a tough walk. My friend did it and it's not as easy as some would think, just because it is a walk. Did your friends train properly for it this year? To be honest, it doesn't really sound like they did (blisters, possible stress fracture.) If they didn't, hopefully they learned from it, will train better for it next year and not have to deal with these problems.

Good luck!

 

[Mara]

sumbride..sounds like you are handling it quite well really! i''d just keep it in the back of your mind in case you have to have plan B !! hehe.

 

[sumbride]

I think I''m resigning myself to it because there''s not really anything I can do, but if they told me tomorrow that they decided to switch walks I would be thrilled! We''re meeting up tonight for that eyebrow plucking thing and one of them asked how far the salon was from the metro because if it was too far to walk she was going to have to skip it! We told her it was 3 blocks and I think she decided that was ok, but I''m just thinking "SEE!!!! SEE!!!"

And no, they didn''t train adequately or correctly... whether they will do so for next year remains to be seen. And the injuries may just pop up anyway, trained or not, because of the physical strain required.

 

[FireGoddess]

Deco, your response tickles me because you admittedly were all ''tough love'' on Elle''s thread and I sympathized with her...and in this thread....sorry but I don''t think Sumbride should be so upset about this!

They will have a week to heal. I once ran an entire marathon and even though I couldn''t walk for 2 days, I was fine after that. And I ain''t no runner, trust me. A week is plenty of time for them to recover. They know what they''re getting themselves into, having already been through it. You need to trust that they will learn from this year''s experience and know what they are signing up for next year. They have already committed to your wedding, and they know what is expected of them. They don''t need dictating about what they can and can''t do before the wedding!

 

[sumbride]

FG- I''ll take your word for it! I guess I''ll check with them in a couple of days and see if they are feeling better. The girl who thought she had a fracture found out it''s "just" tendonitis and was told to stay off of it for a while. It''s better than a broken bone but it could also come back. Hopefully they''ll really be able to train right this year and the 5 days will be enough time to recover!

 

[larussel03]

I'd watch and see how they recover over the course of this week, then maybe drop the hint if they dont recove by the weekend by saying "gosh, girls, I hope you heal faster next year b/c you're gonna be in some pain in heels for my wedding" hahaha ha ha......ha

Maybe they'll think twice!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/3/2006 4:43:18 PM
Author: sumbride
FG- I''ll take your word for it! I guess I''ll check with them in a couple of days and see if they are feeling better. The girl who thought she had a fracture found out it''s ''just'' tendonitis and was told to stay off of it for a while. It''s better than a broken bone but it could also come back. Hopefully they''ll really be able to train right this year and the 5 days will be enough time to recover!

Don''t worry girl - I did have stress fracture after the marathon, and though I couldn''t run for 6-8 weeks, I could walk just fine.

 

[jesterjigger]

I understand your frustration, but like some of the others...don''t really see what you can do about it without coming off as a bridezilla. Would you have time to train with them? I don''t know if you''re worried about getting in shape prior to the wedding, but if you are, you could kill two birds with one stone. Train with them to help ensure they have a stringent enough training plan to make it through the 50 miles without being so sore/injured afterwards, and you would also burn tons of calories and get yourself into better shape too. Plus it''d give you a chance to bond with everyone and relieve stress. Just a thought...otherwise, I hope they do get the date changed for your sake!

 

[sumbride]

I went out to dinner with two of the girls tonight. The third one couldn''t make it because it WAS too far of a walk! HA! They told me not to worry, that all would be fine... so ok, it''s their grave to dig if they get hurt. I can''t do anything about that. I accept it.

They asked me to start walking with them and I will be able to sometimes, but I live 45 miles away and it''s not like I can just run out the door and join them or walk 2 hours after work when my commute is another 2 hours. I don''t think they really got that though... they really don''t understand my commuting lifestyle even though it''s been a year now, but they do try. When they got into the thick of things with training they spent every weeked, all weekend, walking. I just can''t see myself being able to do that next year as I get ready for the wedding... while I can see occasional walks with them as stress-relieving, the logistics and time involved seem stressful in themselves. My weekends are the only time I get to clean the house, spend time with my FI, and recover from a very long week so I''m hesitant to commit to any more now, knowing I''ll have to deal with wedding details on the weekends too. I live 2 blocks away from a huge city park with fabulous walking trails, but they don''t come up here to visit that often and FI doesn''t want me walking in the park at night because of recent muggings. It''s dark when I get out of the office, very dark when I get home. so yeah, I have lots of excuses.

 

[kcoursolle]

Hmmm, sometimes people just don''t think before they act...at least that''s what I think is going on here. It''s great that they want to volunteer and raise money for a good cause, but I can understand why you are upset and nervous that their feet won''t be in great condition for your wedding.

I would try discussing this with them to try to arrive at a compromise. Perhaps they can only walk a portion of the walk?? I did a 12 mile walk and while my feet were a little sore, they were still in pretty good condition and could have definitely handled a wedding with grace the next day.

 

[monarch64]

Sum, I didn''t want to tell you I was biased before, but I did (you may recall from my posts on the workout thread, etc.) the Avon Walk this June...I took ONE day off work the day after the event. We did 39 miles in two days (that''s 26 first day, 13 the next), trained for 3 months total, and I was back at work and walking just fine (ok, save a couple blisters I hadn''t anticipated--I grew blisters UNDERNEATH my built-up callouses) the next day! And I had just turned 29 when I did this for the first time, so it''s not like I was a total spring chicken!

Anyway, glad to hear you had a semi-fruitful talk with two of your BM''s. It may take a couple more before they really, truly understand where you''re coming from. I''m not saying drill it into their heads that your wedding takes precedence over MS, or anything, but I would keep trying to drive the point home that you care about their energy levels/physical welfare for your wedding! They love you, they want to be your BM''s, I''m sure they will get it. Or at least they will try to take extra special care of themselves knowing they will be in a wedding the weekend following their very much appreciated good-doing! I am honestly the last person to try to take away from something that is for the greater good, but really, IMHO, I feel like these girls of yours need a wee little bit of a reality check from you in this case. Have any of them been married before and know what it''s like to plan a wedding and depend on people as BM''s? (Sorry, I only skimmed the posts that showed up after noon today). If so, they will undoubtedly understand your concerns. If not, I don''t know what advice to give, except hopefully they will come to their senses and realize that they can''t go injuring themselves for God''s sake the week before your wedding, lol!

This is a tough one, I have to say. I really hope your girls come through for you...I''m sure they will come to some sort of compromise with you in the end. And just think--you will have something very honorable to say about each one of your girls in your thank you notes, or your toasts, or whatever...they sound like wonderful people and good friends, no matter what!

 

[diamondfan]

I would never judge someone, because I might be in the shoes someday. I can understand that you are a bit peeved, but hopefully it will all work out. I can see that the impulsive aspect of their behavior can be frustrating, but there is not much more you can do, so just leave it for a while. Maybe they will change to another option and it will be fine. Deep breaths, and think positively.

 

[diamondfan]

By the way, FG and Deco, I love the honesty you two show in saying, "Hey, the other thing was not as bad, but this would bug me too" and "I felt more annoyed at the other scenario and would not sweat this one"...just shows we all have issues that get our worry feelers wobbling, and I admire both of your abilities to see the other side as it were!

Sum, I think, in view of how little they were prepped and how they are suffering now, it is not out of line to bring it up. "Hey, you guys will be in GREAT shape at my wedding, ha ha, maybe you should re think this!!" Try to have a light approach, not a tough one, and see if that opens up the conversation. Again, the did commit to you, and you have valid concerns based on what you are currently seeing. Also sounds like they get caught up and excited but are not really thinking things through in a logical fashion. That''s cool, sometimes it does not matter, but this is not the time!!!! Anyway, thinking good thoughts and hoping for a fair solution all around!

 

[MelissaSue]

A) Its their problem, not yours if they are hurting from doing the walk at your wedding.
B) Honestly.. chances are they will either forget or find reasons not to do the walk by next year.
C) You really probably should not complain because it is for a good cause. And its not like they''re going to back out of your wedding because they did an MS walk.