Father/Stepfather Daughter Dance?

[jaylex]

Hi Girls!
newbie to BWW here..

Thinking about my father/daughter dance has really got me confused (i guess would be the right word).

My parents are divorced and my mother is remarried.
My stepfather is a narcissist and in the past was abusive to me, my brother, and my mother (mostly verbal and emotional).

but he *seems* to have his moments where he's better.... and I actually feel that he really does care about me deep down. He and my mother will be paying for a pretty good chunk of our wedding (about 1/3?) and this is leaving me confused about the Father/Daughter Dance and the whole "being escorted down the aisle" thing.

My stepsister had both her dad and step dad walk her down the aisle but I'm not so sure I want that.
She avoided the dance problem all together by forgoing the "father/daughter" dance but I really don't want to do that either.

It's hard because when my stepfather and I are in a really bad argument, I want nothing more than to not include him in any "parent" role of the wedding... but when we're ok I feel guilty for having to exclude him.

I can't wait to have a father/daughter dance with my dad... but I'm not sure i'd feel comfortable dancing with my stepfather. I don't want him to feel alienated but I just don't know if I could stand being that close to him for 3 and a half minutes (which would honestly feel like an eternity). I do "love" my stepdad but just giving him a simple hug is hard for me to do given our past.

As far as walking me down the aisle, I'd rather have just my dad do that too... but once again, I don't want to hurt my stepfather.

I don't want him to have as *special* of a role as my dad, but I don't want to exclude him completely..
the only thing i can think of is to give my dad, FI's dad, Fi's stepdad, and my stepdad all the opportunity to make a speech at the reception.

I was also throwing around the idea of giving them personal "gifts" at the reception, like picture frames with us in them as a thank you or something.. I know that my stepdad would appreciate something like that.

I was considering the idea of having a "parent and bridal couple" dance.. My mom and stepdad, FI's mom and stepdad, FI's Dad and stepmom, My Dad and grandma (dad isn't remarried) and FI and I having one song to ourselves... would that be offensive to the guests to ask them to not dance to a song somewhere in the middle of the reception? (I wouldn't want to do it right after our first dance and the bridal party dance... too boring for the guests to be out of three songs lol)

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? How did you handle it? Even if you haven't been in the same situation, can you offer any advice?

Divorce SUCKS!

Sorry that was so long lol

 

[Lilac]

Ahh, yes. Divorce does suck. I had some similar issues with my stepfather (I really didn''t want to walk down the aisle with him and I didn''t particularly want to be too close to him at any point during the wedding), and I had a stepmother who I wanted to "honor" in some way because I do have a close relationship with her. What we ended up doing was pretty complicated and probably not something you would want to do because of that, but I''ll share it anyway in case there is anything you could take from it.

At Jewish weddings, often the mother and father walk the bride down the aisle. I really REALLY wanted both my parents to walk me down together, but I didn''t want to exclude my stepmother and stepfather from walking down. So my mom and stepfather walked down, and then my dad and stepmom walked down, and then as the rest of the bridal party and my siblings walked down my mom and dad went through a side door of the room and came back around to walk me down together. This way everyone was honored by walking down the aisle, and I still got to have only my mom and dad walk me down. It made the ceremony longer and looked a little funny that my mom and dad each walked down twice, but it was important to me so I didn''t care if other people found it to be weird.

We didn''t do a father-daughter dance, but in your case I think if your dad is who you want to dance with then you should dance with him.

At the end of Jewish weddings there are also 7 blessings recited and each one is recited by a different man. It''s considered an "honor" to be picked to say one of these, so we also chose my stepfather to recite one of those blessings at the end of the wedding.

I think your idea of giving out picture frames or another gift to each of them is really sweet and would be a nice way to honor your stepdad if you can''t find another way to do it. And if you think he would appreciate that then I think it''s really a great idea.

Good luck! I know how hard and messy it can be trying to figure these things out......

 

[tropiqalkiwi]

Divorce really does make things complicated doesn''t it?

I was in a similar situation as far as parents go, with my mother remarried and my father being single, so I''ll share what I did.

For me there was no question - I wanted my Dad to walk me down the aisle and have the father daughter dance with me. However, this was also not a problem for my stepfather, he is a very nice and understanding man and knows I am close to my father. We had my mother and stepfather walk down the aisle just before our bridal party which they were very happy with. They also gave a toast at the reception and we thanked them (and all our family) in a speech my husband and I gave before we cut the cake.

Is there a reason you feel pressured to have your stepdad walk you down the aisle? I would just do what YOU want to do - which seems to be having your birth father do those "father" tasks. These are very special moments (if you look at my wedding pictures you can see how emotional I got!) and your relationship with your stepdad sounds like it might ruin those moments for you. If you have a hard time hugging him I would just leave him out of these things so you can walk and dance with someone you are comfortable with (sounds like this would be your dad).

I think it is a great idea to let your stepdad give a toast, or maybe even offer that he and your mom do it together. I have seen people give their parents something once they get to the end of the aisle, like a flower. You could also let your parents give a blessing to you and your husband either individually or as a group. Or there is the option of letting him do a reading during the ceremony if that fits with his personality and your comfort. You can also do what we did and publicly thank him and your mother for contributing towards your wedding.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/17/2009 12:35:11 AM
Author:jaylex
Hi Girls!
newbie to BWW here..

Thinking about my father/daughter dance has really got me confused (i guess would be the right word).

My parents are divorced and my mother is remarried.
My stepfather is a narcissist and in the past was abusive to me, my brother, and my mother (mostly verbal and emotional).

but he *seems* to have his moments where he''s better.... and I actually feel that he really does care about me deep down. He and my mother will be paying for a pretty good chunk of our wedding (about 1/3?) and this is leaving me confused about the Father/Daughter Dance and the whole ''being escorted down the aisle'' thing.

My stepsister had both her dad and step dad walk her down the aisle but I''m not so sure I want that.
She avoided the dance problem all together by forgoing the ''father/daughter'' dance but I really don''t want to do that either.

It''s hard because when my stepfather and I are in a really bad argument, I want nothing more than to not include him in any ''parent'' role of the wedding... but when we''re ok I feel guilty for having to exclude him.

I can''t wait to have a father/daughter dance with my dad... but I''m not sure i''d feel comfortable dancing with my stepfather. I don''t want him to feel alienated but I just don''t know if I could stand being that close to him for 3 and a half minutes (which would honestly feel like an eternity). I do ''love'' my stepdad but just giving him a simple hug is hard for me to do given our past.

As far as walking me down the aisle, I''d rather have just my dad do that too... but once again, I don''t want to hurt my stepfather.

I don''t want him to have as *special* of a role as my dad, but I don''t want to exclude him completely..
the only thing i can think of is to give my dad, FI''s dad, Fi''s stepdad, and my stepdad all the opportunity to make a speech at the reception.

I was also throwing around the idea of giving them personal ''gifts'' at the reception, like picture frames with us in them as a thank you or something.. I know that my stepdad would appreciate something like that.

I was considering the idea of having a ''parent and bridal couple'' dance.. My mom and stepdad, FI''s mom and stepdad, FI''s Dad and stepmom, My Dad and grandma (dad isn''t remarried) and FI and I having one song to ourselves... would that be offensive to the guests to ask them to not dance to a song somewhere in the middle of the reception? (I wouldn''t want to do it right after our first dance and the bridal party dance... too boring for the guests to be out of three songs lol)

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? How did you handle it? Even if you haven''t been in the same situation, can you offer any advice?

Divorce SUCKS!

Sorry that was so long lol

I think you''re making way too much of this for your own sanity. Ask your dad to walk you down the isle and invite your step dad to make a speech at the reception if he wants to.

As for the ''parent and bridal couple dance'' - no comment except to say that if you really want it then I''d have it after the first dance

 

[House Cat]

Jaylex,

I think this would be far more complicated if your dad weren''t in the picture, but he is. If I were you, I would give my dad the honor of "Father of the Bride" and give a small token to stepdad. You have some good ideas such as giving him an opportunity to make a speech and giving a picture frame. That''s plenty.

 

[mayachel]

If you and your father have a good relationship and he has been in your life throughout, I would give him the only title of "father of the bride". While your stepfather has been involved in your life, it doesn''t sound like he has been a long time father figure in your life? I see nothing wrong with honoring his role by asking him to make a speech, presumably side by side with your mother? And giving him a gift at the rehearsal dinner.

Save the father/daughter dance and walk down the aisle for your dad.

 

[jaylex]

Lilac: Thanks for your input! I feel rather relieved that I can probably have my mom and stepdad walk down together, and have my dad walk down with me without having to worry about a stepmom lol. The entire side of my dad's family is Jewish but they aren't super religious and FI and I are Christians so I'm not really aware of how Jewish weddings go, but it's fascinating for me when I find out! So thanks for that too!

tropiqalkiwi: I do feel pressured for some reason. I think it's just because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings... but i really do feel like that's the only reason I'm racking my brain with this... And i just checked out your wedding pics and you were such a stunning bride! I love the pic of you and your hubby smooching on the balcony! Seeing your pics is like a glimpse into the future cuz I'm already anticipating tons of crying! But I think you're right. I don't want my problems with my stepfather to hang over my wedding day. I think a toast is a great idea.. Thanks!

Londongirl: You're probably right lol. But I feel like If I tackel these problems early and with a clear head, it will make the actual wedding "planning" go a lot smoother. and maybe no parent dance

House Cat: I think I just need to get my parents back together lol. JP, but I can pretty much garuntee that if they had met and gotten married now instead of 20 something years ago, they would have been perfect for each other.

mayachel: True! My father and I are very close. He's a goof ball that will never "grow up" but he's my goof ball and he loves my brother and I more than anything. My mom and stepdad have been married for about ten years (half my life!) but I cringe when I think about calling my stepdad "dad". He's not really a father figure.. more like the guy that's married to my mom that I try my hardest to get along with.


I think that a speech/toast and a gift is the way to go. Thanks so much for all of your responses, ladies!

 

[swingirl]

The father/daughter dance is exactly that. If you are close to your father why would there be any question? You only have one father. Making your stepfather equal to your father would be an insult.

Don''t feel pressured. There is no reason why a stepfather should feel more that what he is. Especially when you don''t get along 100% of the time.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 9/17/2009 11:41:45 PM
Author: swingirl
The father/daughter dance is exactly that. If you are close to your father why would there be any question? You only have one father. Making your stepfather equal to your father would be an insult.

Don''t feel pressured. There is no reason why a stepfather should feel more that what he is. Especially when you don''t get along 100% of the time.

Thank you! I mentioned this to my mother today and she pretty much said the same thing.. lol.