Family Relationships: MIL, DIL, FIL, etc.

[iLander]

I noticed from my recent DIL thread that there are a lot of people hurting out there with family relationship issues. I think a new thread might be a good idea, so everyone can explore the difficult dynamic that is inherent in families and in-laws. I found it fascinating to see things from other people's perspectives. I learned a lot.

Please no meaness. We are all valid people with valid feelings.

Feel free to copy and paste your posts from the other thread to this one, so the discussions can begin.

 

[dragonfly411]

iLander - I think this is a great idea, and I hope others can use it! Do you mind if we post more distant relations? My aunt married into a family, and I find my new uncle's kids VERY hard to get along with. The son ended up breaking one of our ATV's to the point of no return, and never apologized, and still expects us to take him fishing every. single. time. we are around him. He is a know it all, and you cannot tell him anything, he refuses to listen to a different thought or opinion, and thus refuses to learn. The daughter, though very sweet sometimes, is obnoxiously self centered, and will pitch fits and refrain from talking to her dad or our side of the family for weeks on in because she feels deprived. The girl has new everything, name brand everything, is going to a private college, and doesn't have to work. I have to work full time, pay my way through college, buy my own clothes (almost always on 60-75% mark down so I can afford them) and my own vehicle (none of my vehicles have ever been brand new either, all used). I have to spend holidays with them, and sometimes random weekends, and I have often been very close to saying something.... especially to the daughter, who consistently guilt trips her father for things like traveling with my aunt, or enjoying his new car or boat. He earned it, and so has my aunt!

Rant over.

 

[Steel]

I have no contact with any of my family. I reunited with my father only a year or two before he died. Last year sometime I had arranged to see my Dad and my mother happened to be with him when I went to collect him, he said to her oh *my name* is here and she looked at me and said I don't want to see her. That was the first time she had seen me since I left home as a teenager. So clearly there is no love lost there. Regrettably my out laws hate me too but DH tells me they always favoured his brothers over him so he says their behaviour is nothing new. That said, I feel like the common denominator.

Isn't it true that you seek out what you know. I understand that perhaps am comfortable in a broken family dynamic. Perhaps that is one of the factors that helped me to choose my DH; knowing that his family was nuts too. Make of that what you will in researching family dynamics. But whatever it means - it is lonely.

Edit for spelling.

 

[soocool]

In my family everyone gets along with one exception, DH's family. As I stated before my MIL hates me because I am not the right nationality. Stupid yes! But that is her and his side of the family. Funny, but he does not miss his family and I think that is because my parents treated him more like a son that his own parents.

Now my sister's MIL is an absolute angel. When my nephews were born she would go over to my sister's and clean and do the shopping for her. If my sister needed a break my mom or her MIL would help out and never asked for anything in return. They never meddled or said you should do it this way or that way. They always said that the kids' mom and dad knew best. I knew there were many times when my mom wanted to say things to me, but she bit her lip. She said I had to figure things out on my own.

Holidays were hard because you wanted to spend them with everyone, but as our family grew we knew that wasn't feasible so we began trading holidays. With my nephew getting married it became even more difficult, but we forge on and know that new traditions need to be formed. Even if we can't spend the hoildays all together we do manage a phone call at the very least.

As to my parents, I absolutely adore them (my mom died several years ago) even though I know I drove them crazy. Yes, I got punished, but my parents always explained why they were punishing me. However, my punishments were never taking something away from me or grounding me. I had to serve the community in some way, whether it was raking my elderly neighbors leaves or cleaning cages at the local SPCA.

Now I tell DD much of what parents told me, primarily that I had to figure out my own future. If something doesn't work out, try something else, but never give up. I am blessed to have a fantastic husband who will always stand by me and grateful to still have my dad.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I don't talk to any of my family, either. They drive me nuts. Oh, and to add a bit of controvery to the PS world (as this post may!), I am the only non-Christian, so THAT has added to the tension. I hadn't heard from my uncle in 11 months and finally Monday he sent me a text and it was some religious quote and then he sent me another one. They cannot just accept I am of a different faith and I don't want to put up with their pushiness, so I duck and cover when the quote-filled Xmas cards come.

After my grandfather died last Dec., I discovered that they all hate each other and go months w/out talking so it's not like it's all me and my heathenism. It's all a huge failed dynamics. Many will be burned at the cross.

On my husband's side, we talk all the time, but again more failed dynamics and there are a couple of his family members who I do not, at all, get along with and they hate me too. There are some who I like, but I do not know if they actually like me because there is so much gossip. I decided to start playing "telephone." Say a random comment here and there and see what happens.

At least my cat rocks. Oh, and my fish. No matter what I say to them, they still swim up to me and swish their fins in a loving way. Or, maybe they are just wanting food.

 

[TravelingGal]

My opinion is that most problematic relationships (i.e. drama) between MIL and DIL is propelled by the MIL.

Doesn't mean that there aren't selfish, obtuse, oblivious, or even crazy DILs out there. There are. But if they had it their way, they'd be fine living with their DH's and never dealing with MIL again. And since I believe in the end, the husband SHOULD put his wife first and cut his family off if need be, if things are continuing to be angsty, it's the ILs.

Most normal FDIL's will approach a family wanting acceptance. Not a whole lot of standards or expectations...they just hope they get along with their ILs. MILs however, may have all sorts of expectations, wants, standards (whether they admit this or not...I mean, in a perfect world, it's not that you just want your "son to be happy." It's that you want your son to be happy with a woman of whom you approve.) Mothers in general are protective, territorial, and like to rule their roost. Another female in the mix, and watch feathers fly.

So DILs come in wanting to get along. MILs come in assessing if this person is WORTHY of being allowed into the family. The inner circle. Her home and nest. One slip up by DIL in the initial introduction meeting can raise an eyebrow and judgements can be clouded from there. And if that vibe is given off by FMIL, then FDIL's hackles are raised...too many crazy MIL stories out there and she's scared to be one herself. Flashes of MIL overstepping her bounds and feeding DIL's child candy behind DIL's back go through DIL's head. Now everyone's on guard and DIL isn't that into MIL, who obviously doesn't like her. MIL is now upset that DIL is stealing her son and MIL won't let go.

There are issues with SIL/FIL or SIL/MIL, but it seems to be less in my observation than DIL/MIL. I also do think DILs, or just people of "younger" generation overall, could hone up their "polite skills" and learn to be more respectful of elders, period. Only the craziest of MILs wouldn't like a woman who is respectful, a good listener, and helpful to her MIL. There are always some MILs who are going to take that inch and make it a mile, but I do think a DIL owes it to her husband to grin and bear as much as she can.

As for me personally...I am lucky. I have a MIL who truly just loves to love. My FIL is hard to get to know at first but very loyal. My FIL is the father I never had (I loved mine in the end, but he was abusive). My MIL and I go out of our way to put the comfort of each other first, and that snowballs where I think we both now feel pretty darn loved and it comes even more naturally.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

One slip up by DIL in the initial introduction meeting can raise and eyebrow and judgements can be clouded from there.

Um, yeah. One small mess-up and the rest of the years will be hell. With one wrong thing said, the MIL will find any and EVERY reason to justify hating that DIL. Some MILs can never be pleased b/c they are not happy with themselves and the mistakes THEY made with their own lives.

So far, the girlfriends my sons have introduced have been pleasant. But, then again, they're only in elementary school.

 

[Aoife]

My opinion is that most problematic relationships (i.e. drama) between MIL and DIL is propelled by the MIL.

Doesn't mean that there aren't selfish, obtuse, oblivious, or even crazy DILs out there. They are. But if they had it their way, they'd be fine living with their DH's and never dealing with MIL again. And since I believe in the end, the husband SHOULD put his wife first and cut his family off if need be, if things are continuing to be angsty, it's the ILs.

Most normal FDIL's will approach a family wanting acceptance. Not a whole lot of standards or expectations...they just hope they get along with their ILs. MILs however, may have all sorts of expectations, wants, standards (whether they admit this or not...I mean, in a perfect world, it's not that you just want your "son to be happy." It's that you want your son to be happy with a woman of whom you approve.) Mothers in general are protective, territorial, and like to rule their roost. Another female in the mix, and watch feathers fly.

So DILs come in wanting to get along. MILs come in assessing if this person is WORTHY of being allowed into the family. The inner circle. Her home and nest. One slip up by DIL in the initial introduction meeting can raise and eyebrow and judgements can be clouded from there. And if that vibe is given off by FMIL, then FDIL's hackles are raised...too many crazy MIL stories out there and she's scared to be one herself. Flashes of MIL overstepping her bounds and feeding DIL's child candy behind DIL's back go through DIL's head. Now everyone's on guard and DIL isn't that into MIL, who obviously doesn't like her. MIL is now upset that DIL is stealing her son and MIL won't let go.

There are issues with SIL/FIL or SIL/MIL, but it seems to be less in my observation than DIL/MIL. I also do think DILs, or just people of "younger" generation overall, could hone up their "polite skills" and learn to be more respectful of elders, period. Only the craziest of MILs wouldn't like a woman who is respectful, a good listener, and helpful to her MIL. There are always some MILs who are going to take that inch and make it a mile, but I do think a DIL owes it to her husband to grin and bear as much as she can.

As for me personally...I am lucky. I have a MIL who truly just loves to love. My FIL is hard to get to know at first but very loyal. My FIL is the father I never had (I loved mine in the end, but he was abusive). My MIL and I go out of our way to put the comfort of each other first, and that snowballs where I think we both now feel pretty darn loved and it comes even more naturally.

This is really interesting to me because in my birth family there were 4 sisters, and my DH and I had two daughters, so we didn't have to deal with the whole MIL-DIL dynamic, except when I married into my husband's family. My MIL died a couple of years ago, and I can't say she and I ever had any territorial conflicts at all. I think she loved me, in a "Wow, you're kind of weird but my son picked you so I guess I love you" way, and I think she respected me. I don't think she understood me at all, since I tend to be fairly open about my feelings, and the joke in my family is that we've never met a problem we couldn't all talk to death. The way my DH's family deal with emotional issues is to pretend they don't exist--which could account for why alcohol plays such a significant role in their family gatherings. Anyway, I feel as though we're lucky, because we all live in separate states, and for the most part we all manage to get along. Mostly. As long as my husband's sister's husband is on his best behavior. Which he mostly isn't. But aside from that.....

 

[Aoife]

So far, the girlfriends my sons have introduced have been pleasant. But, then again, they're only in elementary school.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Where do I start? My MIL passed away right before we got married, so I never had issues with her.

I have 3 SIL's that are all jealous or hate me with varying degrees. These are my husband's 3 sisters. The main reason is that my FIL (who passed away earlier this year) loved to show me off. He had lots of pictures of dh and myself all over the house, and very few of his daughters. I think my FIL loved me as a daughter (if not more than his daughters) because they disappointed him in various ways (dropping out of school, became pot addicts, got pregnant out of wedlock etc). I treated my FIL with respect, love and kindness, beyond more than his biological daughters. My husband was the first in his family to graduate from University, and became a successful chemical engineer, and you could say that when he rose up above the rest of this family, and bettered himself. I grew up in a family with higher socio-economic level, most my my family is well-educated, and successful, and to top it off, I was rasied to be well-mannered, and a "goody-two-shoes" this did not sit well with my SIL. The 2 older SIL treated me with blatant contempt, and would take down and hide my pictures from my FIL's house. I used to cry because of their cruelty. My youngest SIL is not as openly hostile, but she always covets the things that my husband buys for me, and coerces her husband to get her stuff to better mine, and compares herself to me....I could go on and on about a ton of different stories, but at one point one of the older SIL stopped speaking to me for about a year because she thought her husband attracted to me, and she would mutter hateful things under her breath at family gatherings, just loud enough so that I could hear her. Her self- esteem at the time was low, so she took it out on me. Then she went through a full transformation (diet, excercise), lost a ton of weight and once she got her self-esteem back, she suddenly stopped hating me. Anyhoo, throughout all this my husband was always stood by my side, and even told me to ignore his sisters' childish behaviors, and told me to just be civil. Now that FIL passed, things are less tense (because there's no one to compare us) so I'm courtesous and civil at family gatherings. I can't way I'll ever call my ILs my "family". There's no love there (except for the nieces and nephews). I have to suck it up for the Holidays because I want my kids to grow up with cousins.

 

[fieryred33143]

Tgal is wise

As for my saga:

My main issue with my MIL is that she has no sense of boundaries.

I've been with FI (who I just signed an affidavit at work to make him my domestic partner so he's taking me out to dinner, lol!!! So silly that man) for 9 years. When we first started dating, I got along instantly with his mother. I loved her. She was my mom away from mom (who lives 4 hours away). I would stop by after work to chat with her at least twice a week, we'd go out to dinner together, go shopping, etc. I seriously loved this woman and I felt very lucky to have her in my life.

When I got pregnant, I was more excited to tell her than I was to tell my own mother. My mom is very traditional so I didn't know how she would take the news. His mom and dad had their first son before marriage so I felt like she could see past the judgment and go straight to excitement, which she did. I invited her to all of my appointments. This isn't something a DIL would normally do but I did because as I mentioned, she was my mom away from mom, and I also knew that since she didn't have a daughter of her own she wouldn't really ever get to experience something like this and I really wanted to share with her.

I'm not going to get into the whole drama of when it all turned around. But basically at the end of my pregnancy, she overstepped a huge line and treated me like crap over it. From there I have been told that I was a terrible mother for breastfeeding when it was clear my daughter needed more. Told I was horrible for switching to formula when bfing was better. I've been accused (indirectly) of abuse, neglect, (directly) putting my work before my daughter, and just an all around terrible mother. She reminds me any chance she gets that my daughter will always prefer her over me and that my daughter doesn't love my family. She makes my mom feel terrible when she visits for being an "absentee" grandmother. She puts on a HUGE show whenever I do something she doesn't agree with with full on crying, calling my family, and even calling DD's pediatrician. The latest is that she thinks I am letting DD watch scary movies or am yelling at her because DD is going through a shy/scared phase right now.

In short-she sucks. I don't know where my sweet, always want to be around her MIL went but this new person is causing me a lot of stress. I know that a big part of it is that I have to a) learn to let go of the past and b) find a way to let her comments slide off of me. But some of the things she says, whether directly or indirectly, are really hurtful

 

[TravelingGal]

jaysons mom, that's really interesting. Sorry to hear about your SIL issues, but it definitely seems like they were jealous. Being asian too (IIRC, you are), I think part of why it was important to do well for ourselves is that it definitely made for easier acceptance with future ILs (assuming they are asian).

A friend of mine (the one with triplets) is the BEST DIL ever. Her MIL does like her, and how could she not? My friend drives her to appointments, stops by and brings her lunch, calls her EVERY day, etc. But her MIL still wishes that my friend was someone she could "boast" about. She has 3 sons and all her DILs are not college grads and are doing the (very difficult) job of being SAHMs. MIL just wanted a lawyer in the family to brag about, my friend thinks.

Fiery, that is so sad that such a great relationship turned sour! Hopefully it can be reversed, because that is a shame.

 

[Maisie]

I have been married 3 times (I am embracing my inner Liz Taylor) and only my most recent MIL liked me. So I guess I am the common denominator too. I try really hard to be respectful and considerate and supportive. My biggest downfall is my determination not to be told what to do. I am big enough and ugly enough to decide what is best for me and my family. I don't need to be told. I can take advice but won't do something just because an in-law says I have to.

In an ideal world I would love to spend quality time with my extended family. In real life it doesn't always work out.

My son is about to propose to his gf. She is adorable. I almost made a big boob though. She was considering become a buddhist. I was appalled because I am a christian and brought my son up in my faith. I gave my opinion which wasn't invited and I really hurt her feelings. I have learned from that and won't interfere again.

Its sometimes hard to let go of ones children.

 

[Autumnovember]

Wow. Where do I begin?

Everything with my own family seems to be fine. Yes, we have our quarrels and problems every now and then but we get past it and move on

The problem lies with Fiances family. He grew up with an overly controlling mom that needed to have control over every SINGLE aspect in Fiances life. It has damaged him in more ways than I think he is willing to admit. Not only that, but I can see the damage of her behavior has had a huge impact on every person in his family including all 7 of his siblings. Now that they are all adults, she is trying to hold on even tighter. She does not think any female is good enough for any of her sons (including me) and she is NOT afraid to voice that. She has called me a whore multiple times, she has told me my parents have no morals for allowing me to live with Fiance before marriage, she has told us we can never have children due to the fact that I'm half Jewish, and she refuses to accept that we have a big age difference. His dad on the other hand, has no backbone at all and previously told one of his brothers a few years ago that he would have divorced her long ago had it not been for the kids. We all (SO and his siblings) speculate that his crazy health problems that he has had the last 5 years are related in someway to all the stress she causes him. She is ALWAYS on nonspeaking terms with at least ONE of his siblings. His sister, who was adopted, is his mothers puppet. She is the one who is damaged most because she is the one that truly does not have a mind of her own. She stays home, does not work, does not have a license, does not have friends, and watched MTV all day long. When the mom and dad go on vacations she is the one who has to stay home to watch the dogs. She really does not know any better. None of us know what is going to happen when the parents pass because she truly cannot function in normal society. Sadly, because of his mothers psychotic behavior Fiance and her have not been speaking at all since August. She was not invited to our engagement party, and she also has no idea that her oldest son is expecting a child with his wife (who she also hates) because they also do not talk.

Very sad.

 

[NovemberBride]

I have a great relationship with my MIL. I think one of the reasons why we have such a great relationship, when others may not, is because we don't have too high of expectations of one another and we do not overstep our bounds. I love my MIL and am very respectful of her as the woman who raised my DH to be the amazing husband and father he is today. She in turn respects that he has his own family now and that her opinions on how we live our life are unnecessary unless they are solicited. She has never once made a comment about how I keep my home, raise my DD, etc. Even though I love her, I would be very offended if she did make those sorts of comments as it is none of her business. Let me be clear, by saying she respects her boundaries I am not saying we are not close. To the contrary, we are very close with both of our families, we visit often, vacation together, etc. If I had a MIL that didn't respect her boundaries we'd probably see her a lot less!

ETA - I am shocked at some of the things you all have had your MILs or FMILs say to you. I am truly sorry you are in such an awful situation and I hope your DHs and FIs stick up for you. Not that I can imagine her ever doing it because it would be so far out of character, but if my MIL acted the way yours are acting I can guarantee we'd have no contact with her for the simple fact that I would never allow DD to witness such behavior. I hope you don't have children or if you do that they never have to see their mother's treated with so little respect.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My resentments in any relationship usually stems by my expectations and disappointment that someone else is not acting the way *I* THINK they should or how *I* WOULD. I used to believe that I knew what was right in all circumstances for all people. As I continue to grow in my self-awareness I have learned this is NOT an uncommon thought. People like to be right. They like to feel justified. Many people even like the play the *gasp* victim role. I don't like it there so I don't go there often, but some people are quite comfortable pointing fingers at everyone without EVER looking at what THEY contribute. So now when I find any resentment creeping up I stop, I pause, I wait until I can figure out WHY I am upset. What part did I play? How did I react? Why is the other party acting this way? I also remember that 99% of the time someone's bad behavior represents THEIR issues, not a reaction to mine. It is none of my business how other people act. It is also none of my business what other people think of me. Not everyone is going to like me 100% of the time and that is okay. Relationships are hard work and messy at times. Family ones are complicated because often those aren't chosen but I have learned to let go of my expectations, my resentments, and my guilt involving certain family members. I don't get it perfect everyday but it is amazing how when I started changing, they did too.

 

[jaysonsmom]

jaysons mom, that's really interesting. Sorry to hear about your SIL issues, but it definitely seems like they were jealous. Being asian too (IIRC, you are), I think part of why it was important to do well for ourselves is that it definitely made for easier acceptance with future ILs (assuming they are asian).

Yes, all Asian. My husband's side is Korean, and my IL's moved here with children to give them the American dream, a better life yada yada yada, but instead both MIL and FIL had to work double shifts at low-wage jobs just to make ends meet, so they weren't involved in their childrens' lives, and thus they blamed their childrens' failures on themselves. My husband was on the varsity football team in high school, and his parents never went to a single game. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, but my husband and I kinda fulfilled the life that they wanted for their own kids...so I can say they easily accepted me even though I wasn't Korean.

 

[fieryred33143]

NB-FI has gotten a lot better at sticking up for me because I've gotten a lot better at sticking up for myself. We've learned that it's better if he speaks with her rather than me because according to her, I'm just too emotional so she brushes it off. When he speaks, she listens so he defends me.

However, I also know how much he hurts when he has to. He adores his mother. I don't like to see him hurting over this so I pick my battles. When she tells me that I'm being unfair by trying to take away the bottle when she's "still a baby", I let it go and don't mention it to him. When she indirectly claims that I must be hurting S because she's so jumpy, that's when we have the discussion.

As for DD, she's too young to understand what she is witnessing right now so to be honest, I haven't thought about how I will address it in the future. Most of what MIL does/says is behind my back and gets back to me in weird ways. For ex., with the "jumpy" conversation she had first asked me the question as to why S is being that way. I gave her my thoughts and then went home. Two days later she informed me that she held a conference ( ) with her friends and they all decided that I must be allowing her to watch scary movies, there must be an evil spirit in her room, it's because I haven't baptized her yet and am neglecting her in that aspect, and that it's my fault for forcing her to sleep in her room alone and so early.

A lot of people wonder why I even let my daughter be around them considering how disrespectfully I am treated. The truth is that I try to put myself in my daughter’s future shoes. How would she feel knowing she doesn’t have a relationship with her grandparents because her mother couldn’t get along with them? Aside from that, she is treated like a queen there. I can drop her off and have all the comfort in the world knowing that she's ok with them. And she loves them. Her face lights up just hearing her grandparents voices. I don't want to and can't take that away from her.

 

[galeteia]

Great idea, ILander!

This has been a fascinating thread.

Cehra, thank you for sharing your candid stories about irrational things you did when you were newly married to 'stake your claim' to your husband.

I agree, this has been fascinating. I myself have had a few different opinions on this subject.

As I read your post it gave me a ton of perspective that I've never seen before. Typically people who are like you don't reach out like you just did to inform others of how and *why* they feel that way. It was very insightful, thank you so much!

I tend to have two modes... one if you don't meet basic filter requirements is that I don't even notice you exist or I quickly forget you and I move on. But if I like you, or find you interesting I can be pretty full throttle. I don't have a lot of trust issues so it doesn't really occur to me. But I know I have put a lot of people off in my life. Some disappear from view and I kind of internally shrug and move on... others make me sad... but sometimes people stick around at a distance and much much later have said to me that they didn't really believe I was who I claimed to be, that my interest was sincere. They remarked (this has happened almost verbatim more than once) that I was hard to get to know because I really am exactly who I claim to be and that's really rare. But it never occurred to me it was a trust issue, perhaps like you express your POV. I just figured they thought I was a liar and they thought it was about ME when it really was about THEM. This may actually be very helpful in the future. So interesting. Sorry I'm rambling, maybe I'm not making sense, hopefully not being offensive! I would love to hear more about your perspective!

It's very possible it is a trust issue, with them being suspicious of your 'true' motives. You don't have any hidden agenda, but that is not something that they'd believe until they got to know you and realized that what you see is what you are.

Ironically, I am a VERY affectionate person by nature. I am a hugger, a snuggler, a pat-your-upper-back-while-I-pass-by, overall cuddly person, but ONLY if you have earned my trust first. If I don't know you, you'd better not take liberties with my personal space. It took at least 2 years before I could hug my MIL without being extremely uncomfortable, and now I think she's a little disconcerted with how affectionate I am. (Note: I do not SNUGGLE my MIL of course, we're taking hugs and pats on the shoulder) I enjoy doing the sorts of things with her that iLander mentioned, but that's after YEARS of knowing one another.

We also had a rocky start, witnessed by PS. I am essentially the polar opposite of who they had assumed my SO would have for his wife. Dealing with not meeting those expectations was hard on both them and me. I am fortunate that in the end, what was most important to my MIL was how I treated/loved her son, and in the 4+ years we have been together, I have proven myself an ideal DIL in that regard, and she has come to a place where that's all that really matters to her.

 

[TravelingGal]

jaysons mom, that's really interesting. Sorry to hear about your SIL issues, but it definitely seems like they were jealous. Being asian too (IIRC, you are), I think part of why it was important to do well for ourselves is that it definitely made for easier acceptance with future ILs (assuming they are asian).

Yes, all Asian. My husband's side is Korean, and my IL's moved here with children to give them the American dream, a better life yada yada yada, but instead both MIL and FIL had to work double shifts at low-wage jobs just to make ends meet, so they weren't involved in their childrens' lives, and thus they blamed their childrens' failures on themselves. My husband was on the varsity football team in high school, and his parents never went to a single game. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, but my husband and I kinda fulfilled the life that they wanted for their own kids...so I can say they easily accepted me even though I wasn't Korean.

It's sad that the sacrifices that many Korean parents made aren't realized until the 3rd generation. And the 3rd generation will never appreciate fully what it took to get them there.

My mom wanted me to only marry Korean, until I took so long to get married that she saw what some other Korean women were going through with their Korean MILs. Then she told me to go marry a "white guy."

 

[dragonfly411]

My resentments in any relationship usually stems by my expectations and disappointment that someone else is not acting the way *I* THINK they should or how *I* WOULD. I used to believe that I knew what was right in all circumstances for all people. As I continue to grow in my self-awareness I have learned this is NOT an uncommon thought. People like to be right. They like to feel justified. Many people even like the play the *gasp* victim role. I don't like it there so I don't go there often, but some people are quite comfortable pointing fingers at everyone without EVER looking at what THEY contribute. So now when I find any resentment creeping up I stop, I pause, I wait until I can figure out WHY I am upset. What part did I play? How did I react? Why is the other party acting this way? I also remember that 99% of the time someone's bad behavior represents THEIR issues, not a reaction to mine. It is none of my business how other people act. It is also none of my business what other people think of me. Not everyone is going to like me 100% of the time and that is okay. Relationships are hard work and messy at times. Family ones are complicated because often those aren't chosen but I have learned to let go of my expectations, my resentments, and my guilt involving certain family members. I don't get it perfect everyday but it is amazing how when I started changing, they did too.

You really must share how you have become so centered and relaxed and .....

 

[Cehrabehra]

I have no contact with any of my family. I reunited with my father only a year or two before he died. Last year sometime I had arranged to see my Dad and my mother happened to be with him when I went to collect him, he said to her oh *my name* is here and she looked at me and said I don't want to see her. That was the first time she had seen me since I left home as a teenager. So clearly there is no love lost there. Regrettably my out laws hate me too but DH tells me they always favoured his brothers over him so he says their behaviour is nothing new. That said, I feel like the common denominator.

Isn't it true that you seek out what you know. I understand that perhaps am comfortable in a broken family dynamic. Perhaps that is one of the factors that helped me to choose my DH; knowing that his family was nuts too. Make of that what you will in researching family dynamics. But whatever it means - it is lonely.

Edit for spelling.

(((((steal))))) That's all... I'm sorry

 

[Octavia]

I've never met my MIL, and she speaks very little English, so the two times I've spoken to her, it was just saying hello and then calling DH to the phone (as an aside, I think she's only called about 5 times in the the 5+ years DH and I have been together). We've tried to get together with her when we visit DH's native country, but she always blows us off. Personally, I'd rather have an absent MIL than an awful one, but I just wish she cared about how much she hurts DH with her behavior. But she doesn't.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

dragonfly, I think studying clinical mental health has made me more aware (as it is suppose to). I am also working a spiritual program that is very eye opening. Emotional maturity is a daily goal but sometimes I do slip.

 

[starryeyed]

My SIL scheduled her shotgun wedding less than 1 week before my destination wedding. At 42 years old - you think she would have known better, or at least talked with me about it.

My MIL proceeded to cut our wedding cake while I was in the bathroom. She blamed my father, and when that didn't work, tried to blame my aunt. She never apologized to my face.

Nuff said.

 

[packrat]

Oh you guys-hugs to everyone! My mom had issues w/her MIL too, and I never really knew much about it until I got older. I had told JD some of the stories mom told me, and then when *his* mom started doing the same things..haha look out! I didn't meet my MIL until a few months before JD and I got married. She's antisocial, and JD has been the only one to do anything for her for years-his sister lives in Minnesota-I saw her once before the wedding, at the wedding, once when I was pg w/London, and once after London was born. When his mom was in the hospital and (on two different stays in the hospital) Dr called the family together and figured it would be a matter of time before she passed away-his sister said "Sorry, I don't have gas money to come down, tell her I'm thinking of her" Niiiice.

She used to call non stop every day, get JD all wound up about the guy she'd dated since he was a kid or about his father so then JD was pissy the rest of the day. She'd call him crying that her boyfriend said something mean to her, which was several times a week, and then JD would rant and rave and want to go beat the guy up, and his mom would be happy b/c someone cared so much for her. He wasn't thinking of his new bride at the time, he was worried and upset about his mom, and she liked that. She'd call crying b/c his father called her and was mean to her, so JD would rant and rave and blah blah. When I said "Why does she bother picking up the phone and talking to him? She has control over it right?" That was our first argument. After that I quit asking questions or making comments.

After having London tho..the bell was rung and it was on like Donkey Kong. She told me to quit breastfeeding b/c my milk was sour, that's why London spit up, I was poisoning her. She told JD in front of me that London didn't look healthy and had a belly like the starving kids in Africa (a variant of what my Gramma said to my Mom, and JD knew it, so boy he was "kthanxbai" as he practically ran her to the door. She started calling the Dr.'s office (where I later got a job) and telling them I wasn't taking proper care of the baby, should she take the baby, should she call the authorities. Nurse asks what specifically she thinks is the matter--her issues were that I was breastfeeding and the baby was spitting up, and also we didn't keep it quiet enough in the house, etc. Oh, and that I refused to put cereal in a bottle to make her sttn when she was 4 days old.

And deep down, the real problem, was that JD wasn't available 24/7 for her. He had a wife, and then a new baby and he was working constantly, and doing things w/our house. Once London came he started to really open his eyes to what I'd been talking about for 2 years. And then after Trapper came and she saw the kids twice a year at birthday time, it started hitting home how she is. I never withheld the kids from her-ever. I just made it clear that if she couldn't abide by my rules in my house with my kids, then there was nothing more to discuss. She chose to not see them b/c she didn't want to do things my way.

She started calling me at night when she knew he wasn't at home to tell me how awful I am and I'm going to kill JD b/c he works so hard for me so all I have to do is sit at home and watch tv and she hoped I was happy that her son was going to die early b/c I wasn't taking care of him properly. She told me once I was "lucky" JD "allowed" me to stay home b/c her husband, his father, would never have let her. I said well, it's not so much luck, I didn't win him in Vegas on the slots. He chose me, and I chose him. *You* chose *your* husband, so there's not really any luck involved, it's how good a choice you made. She didn't like that.

My bff and I used to get a bit..into it I guess b/c *her* MIL is wicked and she didn't want to make waves and upset her husband, and she felt that even tho MIL was doing/saying all these things I should just ignore it b/c after all, she is my husbands mother. I don't think that's a free ticket to bitchville tho, so no, I wasn't about to ignore it. That gives *her* the control over *my* marriage. And I'm not about to subject my kids to her negativity.

A few years ago JD did start telling me about his childhood and quite honestly, had he told me these things before, I don't know that I'd have been able to even look twice at the woman without getting ticked off. It's not a case of "he is the man she raised and I should be proud she raised such a fine man", it's more like "he is the man he is today *in spite of* how he was raised. Pretty sad that I should have to thank a POS father for showing JD how NOT to be a dad, so he just does the opposite of his father. And now he's seeing things more clearly about why his mom does the things she does-it's all for attention, negative is better than none at all.

She was sick for a couple years and was downright nasty to me, and to JD as well, and it got to the point that we didn't want anything to do w/her. We both bent over backwards trying to help her (and for the longest time it was *I* who was taking care of things and getting JD to do his part b/c he was so angry and fed up-I may have issues w/her but I'm not heartless), my parents went above and beyond trying to help as well-and then all I'd hear about it how horrible I was and how angelic JD was, until finally I'd had enough and this past Spring I let loose on her. I've had very minimal contact with her since then, and even tho she's nice as pie to me now, I'm civil and that's enough. I've had to live w/a pissy husband every time she called to push his buttons and I've had enough, so now when she wants to be friendly..I don't want any part of it.

It's also hard b/c my bff and I don't see eye to eye on MIL issues. She's quit telling me of her problems w/her MIL..I think b/c she's quit fighting about it and trying to get her husband to stick up for her, so she just deals w/it and in return MIL of course is happy b/c she's not standing up to her anymore and letting her have her way. She said she is upset that my husband would treat his mother that way (not go see her when she was in the nursing home, not call her every day, get mad and yell on the phone b/c she's calling again to pit us against each other, or just in general pushing buttons, so he doesn't want to talk to her. I try to explain that their relationship is different than hers w/her mom and mine w/my mom. We weren't raised like he was. She would say "I would *never* in a million years act that way towards my mom, and neither would you, so how can you condone it when he does it?" And I would try to explain again that we didn't walk in his shoes growing up. They had a horrible relationship growing up, and yet he is still trying to do things for her, help her etc, and she keeps shoving it in his face, she got people to practically accuse JD of stealing from her when he was taking care of her finances when she was in the nursing home, ready to turn him in for elder abuse or some crap, and when they'd talk to US about it, they'd say "Hmmm, she didn't tell us she didn't have any money saved up. She didn't tell us she had $12,000 in credit card debt, she didn't tell us this, she didn't tell us that" She was twisting everything and leaving critical points out so that her brothers were ready to swoop in and kick JD's ass, and the few friends she had were so furious with him for being so evil. After a 20 minute conversation with me, one of her friends told me she'd start lighting her prayer candles every night for us to have the strength to continue dealing with her.

I wanted SO badly to have a fun relationship w/my MIL, go out and do things together, hang out and talk. I dated a guy w/parents that I adored, but who knows what they would've been like as inlaws of course. They even gave JD and I wedding presents, which freaked JD out, but they're just genuinely nice people.

Sorry for the novel.

 

[anchor31]

My relationship with my ILs has its ups and down. We're in a "up" phase right now, thankfully. Part of it seems to be a socio-economic barrier of sorts. My parents went to college and so did me and my siblings. Education is highly valued. It's not the case in DH's family. I was also raised to be polite, not to swear and that sort of thing, so I seem to be perceived as a bit of a snob.

However, I believe that the main issue is that MIL and FIL are miserably unhappy. They are in a loveless, spiteful marriage and would rather be in that situation than alone. They compensate with food and buying things and they project their unhappiness onto everyone around them. Now, this has been going on for a very very long time. They had their three children within 3 years, so obviously when SIL (the youngest) came along MIL was overwhelmed and needed help, but when she asked, FIL replied that it was women's work, and refused to help with the children, or housework. SIL is 27 years old, and MIL still talks about this.

FIL is kind of socially inept (rude, vulgar, ect.), pretty much only interested in money and his "stuff" (cars, computers, gadgets) and very focused on keeping up with the Jones's. When DH bought a high-quality camera because landscape photography is a hobby of his, FIL bought the same camera, but still just does point-and-shoot portraits. When my father bought an SUV to replace his clunker so he can do DIY house renovations, FIL bought the same SUV to replace his almost-new minivan "just because he felt like it" (FIL saw my dad's SUV at my baby shower). He was also verbally, physically and finacially abusive to his children. He'd hit them, insult them, promise to help them pay for school and then not do it, he even stole DH's savings once when he was a teenager. He still says insulting things and doesn't reimburse for things he breaks, among other things, so he hasn't changed much. Bottom line, FIL is pretty much an all-around jerk.

MIL could be a very nice person, and is, at time. But she is just so wrapped up in her misery that it's easy for her to make everyone miserable. My engagement period with DH was a nightmare. DH was always MIL's "favourite", and it was no secret. As time went on and their marriage crumbled more and more, DH sort of because her "substitute husband". So, when I came along, a strong-willed, ambitious, opinionated, educated young woman, she immediately felt threatened. When DH decided that he wanted to marry me, it was the Apocalypse. She threw tantrums about every. single. thing. from the locations to the tuxedoes and of course, the guest list. It appears as though the wedding itself was a turning point for her. We tried to be as inclusive and possible and we just wanted it to be fun, and I think she saw that. I was pleasantly surprised was she came to us and said very sincerely we had done a very good job and she was happy for us. Things have been improving since. There was another low-point when we decided to buy a house, but she might have just been afraid that we would take on more than we can handle. Now that we have DS in our lives, things have improved further. She is still intrusive at times, but it's obvious that she tries, so it's easier for me to accept. DS has had some health issues and was hospitalized 3 times so far. The second time DS was in the hospital she really went above and beyond, and I do have to give her credit for that.

SIL is civil towards me, but I thinks the "snob label" from early on is still sticking, so we don't have much of a relationship. I certainly wasn't happy when we invited her and her DH to spend the weekend at our house (they live a couple of hours away) and she proceeded to invite the rest of the family for dinner without asking us first. BIL, on the other hand, spent quite a few evenings at our place in-between girlfriends (pre-house and pre-baby for DH and I), and I think the "snob label" might have come off. I think I could even go as far as saying that he likes me. He's Godfather to our son, loves him and spoils him rotten.

Lord knows I certainly vented a lot about them here. It's been a learning process for both sides I think, and in indsight I know I could handled some things better. But when you're in the middle of it, it's just so darn hurtful, it's much harder to be reasonable and accepting. MIL probably felt that way too, and that's usually not a very good mix. Something that made it difficult for me was also the fact that everyone in my family just gets along so well... So it was a bit of a shock for me everytime someone did something inappropriate or hurtful.

 

[anchor31]

My resentments in any relationship usually stems by my expectations and disappointment that someone else is not acting the way *I* THINK they should or how *I* WOULD. I used to believe that I knew what was right in all circumstances for all people.

Tacori, I must say that your quote about expectations being premeditated disappointments was a bit of a revelation to me. For my relationship with DH and especially my relationship with his family. I've been working on that, and I think it has helped. So thank you for that.

 

[Steel]

I have no contact with any of my family. I reunited with my father only a year or two before he died. Last year sometime I had arranged to see my Dad and my mother happened to be with him when I went to collect him, he said to her oh *my name* is here and she looked at me and said I don't want to see her. That was the first time she had seen me since I left home as a teenager. So clearly there is no love lost there. Regrettably my out laws hate me too but DH tells me they always favoured his brothers over him so he says their behaviour is nothing new. That said, I feel like the common denominator.

Isn't it true that you seek out what you know. I understand that perhaps am comfortable in a broken family dynamic. Perhaps that is one of the factors that helped me to choose my DH; knowing that his family was nuts too. Make of that what you will in researching family dynamics. But whatever it means - it is lonely.

Edit for spelling.

(((((steal))))) That's all... I'm sorry

Awh, thank you for saying that.

 

[iLander]

iLander - I think this is a great idea, and I hope others can use it! Do you mind if we post more distant relations? My aunt married into a family, and I find my new uncle's kids VERY hard to get along with. The son ended up breaking one of our ATV's to the point of no return, and never apologized, and still expects us to take him fishing every. single. time. we are around him. He is a know it all, and you cannot tell him anything, he refuses to listen to a different thought or opinion, and thus refuses to learn. The daughter, though very sweet sometimes, is obnoxiously self centered, and will pitch fits and refrain from talking to her dad or our side of the family for weeks on in because she feels deprived. The girl has new everything, name brand everything, is going to a private college, and doesn't have to work. I have to work full time, pay my way through college, buy my own clothes (almost always on 60-75% mark down so I can afford them) and my own vehicle (none of my vehicles have ever been brand new either, all used). I have to spend holidays with them, and sometimes random weekends, and I have often been very close to saying something.... especially to the daughter, who consistently guilt trips her father for things like traveling with my aunt, or enjoying his new car or boat. He earned it, and so has my aunt!

Rant over.

You're welcome to rant about whomever you like!

They sound like spoiled brats! I would avoid them as much as possible. You're a big person for putting up with them.