Family Dilemma

[whenharrymetsally]

I have a question for all of you out that have gotten married, plan to be married, in the process of getting married etc.

My parents have recently separated after 35 years of marriage. (well, 1 year ago) to be exact. My mother and my father unfortuantely do not get along at all. I haven''t spoken to my father in approximately 6 months and my mother has said that if I invite my father to my wedding, she WILL NOT attend. I do have mixed feelings about inviting my father (when i do get married) as he has done many things to disappoint me as a daughter and I really don''t know whether or not I even want him there. I have always had a closer relationship with my mother and even though I do think she is being slightly unreasonable by saying she won''t come if he''s invited, I do understand her pain and the fact that she does not want to see him. My little brother says that it would be wrong if don''t invite my father, but if I do, i will be hurting my mother. Ugh...I really think we should just elope but my SO thinks that would be ''disrepectful'' to the family and insists that we will be having a banquet...

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening!

 

[FireGoddess]

I feel for your mom, I really do. And you may end up not wanting to invite your father anyway. But her giving you an ultimatum because she doesn''t want to see him is not the appropriate thing to do. The wedding is about you, not about her, nor about your father. She may not want to see him but the fact of the matter is that she should be willing to deal and be civil for your sake. The adult thing for her to do is realize she can''t demand that you not invite him - she needs to be grown up enough to deal with his presence, if just for one day. Hopefully she can be reasoned with?

 

[TravelingGal]

I think first you have to decide whether or not you would really want him there (and if he would come). If you decide yes you do want him there, then I agree with FG''s comments above.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 3/26/2007 7:48:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I think first you have to decide whether or not you would really want him there (and if he would come). If you decide yes you do want him there, then I agree with FG''s comments above.

Ditto (and Thritto!)

 

[BunniBling]

Quadritto! (sort-of)

Listen, even though you may not feel that close to your Dad right now, and even though it sounds like your Mom is mad as hell with him, your wedding is a big, family event. I''m afraid if you make the decision to leave your father out of the whole thing, you''ll regret it later. Imperfect as he is, he''s still your Dad.

Just my .02...

Hope everything works out for you!

-J

 

[partyjewels]

I have a similar situation, though I''m not engaged yet I have been thinking about it.

I don''t really have anything to say that you wouldn''t already know, I typed out a response and figured, whats the difference, it all comes down to what you want to do. I do agree with the others too though.

I''m really sorry that you''re mom is acting that way

Maybe have a talk with her and let it sink in for a while and perhaps she''ll realize how unreasonable she''s being? Who knows. Family can be a pain sometimes eh?

 

[whenharrymetsally]

*sigh*....i have...i have talked to her. um...there is a bitter court battle going on at the moment..and she absolutely won''t budge on this. Its fustrating but as much as i love my mother to death, she is as stubborn as an ox..she loves to pull the guilt thing on me.....I''ve only had 2 phone calls from my father. one at christmas and one on my birthday. I''m 34 years old and as much as i tell myself i do''nt need my father...he still is my dad...as much as he has disappointed me...he still is family...ugh... this is sooo fustrating. I seriously don''t know what would happen if both of them are in the same room.

 

[ladykemma]

well if you want your father there, tell your mother she can and will behave herself and control herself for one day.

 

[MustangFan]

I agree with Firegodess

The wedding is about you, not her. Seat them verrry far apart, so they are not tempted to talk. If they dealt with each other for 35 years, what''s a couple of hours going to do really??! Tell it to her that way and see what she says.

Although I have no first hand experience with divorced parents, my parents practically hate each other and my grandparents were divorced and I was looking through pictures recently and they were sitting opposite at a graduation party and I suppose they were civil, a little awkward lookin, but ciivil. You do what you gottah do and as soon as you have children consider you ties never severed

 

[NYCsparkle]

he is your father and your mom shouldn''t make you feel guilty about this. a wedding is a family event and your father( regardless of the present situation) is and will always be your father. you and your dad may be close in years to come and you will regret not having him there. your mom is acting selfish and childish. she should respect that he''s your dad no matter what and that this day is about your happiness, not hers. if she chooses not to come then its her loss and her regret that she''ll have to live with forever. do what makes you happy and don''t let anyone try to guilt you into something different that you will regret later on, because life is too short.

 

[partyjewels]

I''m so sorry she''s acting this way.. Have you flat out asked her if she would rather have to be in the same location as your dad for one day, a couple of hours, out of the year... or miss your wedding in order to avoid him for a couple of hours?

Anyone can understand it might be hard for her, especially if there''s a bitter court battle involved, but ask her to really think about it, anyone will tell her that she''ll regret missing her daughters wedding, and for what? To make herself more comfortable for a couple of hours. How selfish!

Do you have any family that can help you really get your point across? Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles? (From her family of course)

Or maybe you should just tell her that because of all this stress she is putting on you that you may just run off together and elope and then the entire family would have been left out all because she had to act so childish and think about herself instead of you and your FI''s happiness.

I don''t know if I could ever do that myself (I''m a bit of a push over) and I know it''s easier said than done, but maybe you have the guts that I don''t

I hope she comes around in time for things to ease up for you. It has to be such a nasty thing to have to deal with around this time thats supposed to be filled with joy and love. Sending some virtual hugs your way!

 

[bee*]

I agree with the others. Its your day and your mom shouldnt pressurise you not to have your dad there. After all he is still your father. They should be able to be civil for a few hours

 

[partyjewels]

Just thought of something after I asked my boyfriend what he would do if he was in a situation like that. He said he would ignore the person complaining, and that if they''re going to act that way, maybe it''s better off they aren''t there anyways to cause other problems during the day/night.

Which made me think about it.... and it''s none of my business of course, and I don''t need the answers to these questions of course, it''s really just for you to think about.

Are you going to be inviting family from your dads side? How is your mom going to react towards them? Is it just your dad she''s got the problem with or is she bitter towards the entire family now? Lets say you end up not inviting your dad so your mom will come, is she going to be bad mouthing him in front of other relatives (either hers or his)? Because that''s not something you need on your wedding day either!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

Hi Partyjewels:

I ''ve thought about that also. There will not be anybody present from my dad''s side of the family as they are all out of town and have never (i really mean never) been kind nor even civil towards my mother. They have always treated her like a servant whenever they were in town. She would have to cook, clean and cater to them 24/7! I guess i really shouldn''t be airing all this dirty laundry..but i get so fustrated. Not only would they treat my mother like a servant, they would talk about her in front of me telling me that its all her fault my father has to work so hard and he could have married better blah blah blah. (i''d like to state that my mother has worked 2 jobs most of her younger life to support the family while my father made mimium wage with one job!) My parents eloped at a very young age and spent most of their lives fighting both sides of their family who did not agree with their marriage. So the answer is no. None of my fathers side of the family will be present at all.

I really would just rather elope myself and forget all this crap!

 

[partyjewels]

oh no! I just don''t get how people can be like that, pretty sad huh?

In any case, I hope you can find some peace of mind with whatever you decide to do, or hey, work on your FI a little, see if he''ll budge on that elopement thing

. Thats what I would want to do too in your situation!! (Heck, thats what I want to do already sometimes and I''m not even engaged yet, hehe)

 

[patience13]

my parents were also married a long time before they divorced (25 years married, 30 years together). although it is painful for your mom...her pain is not yours to "make better". i would certainy take everyone''s feelings into consideration, but don''t let it determine the ultimate outcome of your beautiful day. have a beautiful wedding, have them seated at different tables, and ask a trusted family member who is friendly with both of them to help you out with the process. let your mom know that she is #1 on your list, but Dad is still on the list too. she''s your mom, once things settle down......she''ll understand that she had her wedding day without feuding parents and that you need, and deserve, your father at your wedding.

i''m sure she''d rather see you get married (with your father at the wedding) than NOT be there if you elope!!!!

good luck.....don''t stress....i''m sure they will all behave and the wedding will be great!!!!!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

thank you for everybody''s support. I will definitely keep trying to talk to her but my mother can be totally and absolutely unreasonable. i love her to death..but oh god....sometimes i would love to strangle her! heehe... *sigh*..there isn''t much i can do except keep trying and hopefully things will work itself out. I would still love to elope but as we are both the only son/daughter in our familes.....its almost unwritten law in our familes to have a big reception...unfortuantely most times the receiption is held for the family and not really for the bride and groom. Sometimes it would be so nice if we could just let go our sense of obligation and responsiblity. If i could do that, i''d tell everybody to "go to you know where" and run away to Costa Rica or somehwere warm and tropical to get married.


Thank you again for listening. I love this place. So much support from everyone!