Families

[pjean]

I''ve started thinking a lot today about my relationship with bf''s family and his relationship with mine. It''s made me curious: are you closer to his family, or is he closer to yours?

 

[Independent Gal]

We mostly know each others'' families by reputation.

Everyone''s scattered all over the world, so there hasn''t been much chance for interaction.

 

[bee*]

We''re kind of equal in terms of how we get along with each other''s families. We live about ten minutes from each other and have been dating since we were in school and we''re always at each other''s houses. His parents take me out for dinner all the time and my parents do the same with him so I wouldn''t say either of us got along better than the other.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

PJean, you said that your family doesn''t get along well with him, is there any particular reason why? Was there a falling out, is there a cultural clash, are they both stubborn?

Families are interesting little entities and they all operate differently, so sometimes there will be some serious adjusting.

Do you get along with his family well?

 

[Rhea]

Neither. We live closer to his family and see them more time per year but each time is pretty short. We live in another country to my parents and only see them once a year but when we do we spend a couple of weeks living with them. He sees his parents every day, but as a couple, we''re equally distant to both families.

 

[sunnyd]

We''re equally close I guess. Our moms have worked together for over 10 years, so they knew each other very well before we even started dating! BF and the dads go golfing every week, me and the moms and sisters go shopping every once in awhile. And even weirder, we all have dinners together every couple of weeks.

I love it.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 2/4/2008 6:22:19 PM
Author: sunnyd
We''re equally close I guess. Our moms have worked together for over 10 years, so they knew each other very well before we even started dating! BF and the dads go golfing every week, me and the moms and sisters go shopping every once in awhile. And even weirder, we all have dinners together every couple of weeks.

I love it.

Oh, that sounds very nice! I would love to have a family that close. I often wonder if our families would get along well if they lived less than 5,000 miles apart. How lucky you are!

 

[EricaR]

I would say that I am closer to his family than he is to mine. His family is local and we spend a lot of time with him whereas my family is 400 miles from here and we only see them a few times a year.

 

[misscuppycake]

I''m closer to his family because they''re VERY sweet to me, and my parents HATE him. So the choice is obvious.

 

[diamondfan]

I am closer to my mother and my step sis. He loves his mom and sister, but his mom gets on his nerves and his sister is super busy and harried. It is hard to connect with her. I do not speak to my biological sister. I like his sister a lot though we have some differences. His mom is a huge PITA. He tolerates my family but is not really into spending time with them. My step sis is close by, my mom and his mom and sister are in California so we do not see them much. (except when we bring his mom on trips with us!!!!!)

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/4/2008 6:30:49 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 2/4/2008 6:22:19 PM
Author: sunnyd
We''re equally close I guess. Our moms have worked together for over 10 years, so they knew each other very well before we even started dating! BF and the dads go golfing every week, me and the moms and sisters go shopping every once in awhile. And even weirder, we all have dinners together every couple of weeks.

I love it.

Oh, that sounds very nice! I would love to have a family that close. I often wonder if our families would get along well if they lived less than 5,000 miles apart. How lucky you are!

We are lucky, thanks.

I guess that kind of mileage makes it difficult to have family dinners.

 

[KimberlyH]

We live 250 miles from my parents, 500 miles from my sister and her family. I see my parents every few months, my sister usually meets me at their house with son, because mom and dad live in the middle of the two of us. DH joins me sometimes, others he stays home. He always comes for major holidays. Every once in a while my parents come to our house to visit, but that''s rareHe and my mom email each other every week or so and discuss things going on in the world, or silly forwards (always sent by my mom) that DH responds to. DH and my sister get along very well, but my sister is not so great about keeping in touch, so they only talk/see each other at my parents.

My husband''s parents are both deceased, he has no contact with his (step and half) siblings. Before my MIL died she was quite sick and DH cared for her, so we had dinner with her 5 nights a week, spent some time at her house every weekend, etc. She had late stage Alzheimer''s though, so she was difficult to form a relationship with. I have never met another member of his family. If his parents were alive we would spend more time with them because we live in the same city as they did, but I don''t know if we would have ever been close. I do miss his mom every day and wish I had gotten to know her when she wasn''t sick. I have a feeling I would have admired her greatly.

I wish my parents, sister and her family lived closer, we''d definitely spend more time with them.

 

[surfgirl]

We''re definitely closer to my family. They''ve welcomed him in with open arms and really love him..sometimes I think more than they love me! We have a nominal relationship with his family...they''re just not a close family at all. After 6 months of marriage, his sister has yet to wish us well or send a card, let alone call us and say Congrats! so...My family, OTOH, always makes special food for him since he''s a vegetarian, and they really like him a lot. I always thought my family was weird and I wanted to marry someone who''s family I liked better but in the end, it seems I''m the one with the "normal" family...Funny how that worked out...!

 

[gwendolyn]

I''m closer to his family (spent Christmas with them this year), because I''ve been here in the UK where almost all his family is (except for some cousins in France). Before I started school though, we were about equal.

 

[anchor31]

I''m very close to my family, and FI has grown close to them as well. He was friends with my older brother before we met and he gets along great with my dad too as they both work in similar fields. My mother likes him too.

His family on the other hand... FI has what I''ve come to call a love/hate relationship with them. They''re his parents, and he loves them, he wants to be loved and appreciated by them... But they break his heart every other month. They''re selfish, rude and greedy and it''s very difficult. They have a horribly disfunctional marriage and it often looks to me like his mother has attached herself to him to compensate (she gave him a ring for his birthday after we were engaged, for crying out loud)... and it causes problems. She definitely has the "I''m stealing her son away from her" thing going on. When he announced our engagement to them, instead of getting congratulations, he got yelling at. They''ve been yelling at him about wedding stuff more or less every other month since. They''re not contributing to the wedding in any way, just making things harder on us. So, while FI is moderately attached to his family, I''m not at all.

 

[diamondfan]

Surf, I think normal is relative! How nice that your family has embraced him and been so lovely. There are always horror stories out there. I know a girl, not engaged, but lives with her boyfriend. His mom has a key to their place and he pays her to clean for them. She is ALWAYS walking in at the worst times. This girl is freaked because his whole family has no boundaries and he cannot seem to set them. I say, tell them KNOCK. Do not use your key without knocking first. Come to clean when we are both at work. Do NOT go through my stuff. (the sister came once with her kids and let her kids play dress up in this girl''s closet, and took photos on her cell phone and emailed them to the girl and the boyfriend, her brother. Could not understand why the girlfriend freaked out!) I personally think she should not clean for them, it is too weird, but she needs the money and will not take charity. I had suggested that they just help his parents but she will not accept the money. On one hand that is nice, but she makes remarks about their home and her purchases etc, so having her there is odd. Also, this girl is a vegetarian and his mom refuses to accept it! When they have their weekly Sunday dinner with his family, she makes pork and lamb and insists she would not be a vegetarian if she tried HER cooking! Families are just plain odd...you hope to marry into a nice normal one but you just never know.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/4/2008 5:48:33 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
PJean, you said that your family doesn''t get along well with him, is there any particular reason why? Was there a falling out, is there a cultural clash, are they both stubborn?

Do you get along with his family well?

Yeah, families are complicated all right! My family can be... difficult. I love both my parents and work very hard at keeping a good relationship with them both. That''s made easier in some ways and more difficult in others by the 11 hour drive between us. (At least they never drop in!) My bf just sees that they sometimes make me unhappy and thinks it isn''t worth the effort. He does tend to get the brunt of it when they make me freak out, so I can see where he''s coming from, but it''s taken several years of work to get him to understand that it''s important to me that we have the relationship that we do.

My mother disliked him for a long time because he wasn''t my ex, who she loved. Add to that the physical distance between us and the few, short visits he''s made with me, and the very little they have in common other than me. Result: they just don''t know each other at all.

He''s very lucky, I think. He has a very close extended family on his mother''s side, and while his father died when he was quite young, he''s still close to his father''s large family. I adore them and they adore me. We broke up at one point and he joked that while his mother would choose him over me, it was closer than he''d like.

So on the plus side, I totally lucked out with my FMIL. On the minus side, I doubt I''ll ever get my parents and my bf to be more than distantly polite. I suspect there are lots of people who would gladly change places with me! I think I need to start counting my blessings.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/4/2008 7:03:22 PM
Author: misscuppycake
I''m closer to his family because they''re VERY sweet to me, and my parents HATE him. So the choice is obvious.

Urgh. I have a pale version of that. How do you deal with your parents?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I''d say he''s probably closer to mine, but just because mine is closer location-wise. Also, I still live at home technically (summers, holidays, etc.) since I am student, he doesn''t.

 

[pinkstars]

I think about this sometimes. We''re pretty close to his family since none of my family lives up here. But when my mom was up here, we spent about the same amount of time with his parents and my mom. But I''m not sure, I would say that I definitely love his family a lot more than what he probably loves mine...I guess I could say I love his family and he likes mine, except my mom he loves her!
So for now we''re closer to his family since we live so close to them, but I feel like that''s going to change when we move away and won''t be near either of our families.

 

[chocolatefudge]

I''d say we are equally close, I feel really lucky in this respect. His mum and dad have always treated me sooooo nicely and my mum and dad love him!! Also our parents get on really well too and regularly go for weekends away together! I would hate it if everyone didn''t get along.

 

[Erin]

I met his Dad in his last four months with cancer, unable to speak, and was there holding his hand as his Dad passed on. His Mom died two years ago, also from cancer.

He has spent a little bit of time with my parents but I think there''s still a strange emotional connection with that - meeting someone''s young healthy active parents knowing yours are gone. Over time I believe he''ll be able to be around them with more ease.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/5/2008 8:50:48 AM
Author: Starset Princess

He has spent a little bit of time with my parents but I think there''s still a strange emotional connection with that - meeting someone''s young healthy active parents knowing yours are gone. Over time I believe he''ll be able to be around them with more ease.

Wow, that''s a tough thing to deal with. It''s great that you could provide some support, but I can definitely see how your situation would NOT be easy. My bf''s father died long enough ago (also of cancer) that he doesn''t compare my father to his, so I think you''re right, that it will get easier with time.

 

[Sha]

He''s closer to my family, partially because my family lives close-by and is also close-knit. His family is scattered all over - his mother and youngest brother live in one country, his sister and other brother in a next. (He never met his father) I"ve never met any members of his family except his brother, who went to school with me when we were young.

NONE of his family members abroad came to our wedding last year.

It would''ve been a perfect time to meet everyone, but it seemed they couldn''t be bothered to make the effort, even when we offered to pay the ticket for his mother.

That really was hard for me to understand, coming from a close-knit family. How can you not come to your son''s wedding? To make matters worse -it''s been a good few months since our wedding, and NO ONE from his family has sent me an email, sent a card, or even called to find out how the wedding was, or to welcome me to the family. They haven''t even seen pictures!! How could you not know what your own daughter/sister-in-law looks like? How could you not care????

Anyway, just venting here. I''ve never talked about it before. My DH was disappointed but it doesn''t surprise him, since they''re not that close anyway. Me - it just kind of boggles my mind.

So anyway... YEAH... to get to the point. I''m not close to his family at all.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Sha that''s awful! How could anyone be so uncaring? Your poor husband must feel so abandoned by his family. Do you ever worry that if you have children they will be sad that their grandparents don''t care? Or do you think that may interest them?

 

[sred2]

He is def closer with my family but that''s because he and I currently live with my parents in Seattle whereas his family is all in New Jersey & PA.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/4/2008 8:41:30 PM
Author: diamondfan
Surf, I think normal is relative! How nice that your family has embraced him and been so lovely. There are always horror stories out there. I know a girl, not engaged, but lives with her boyfriend. His mom has a key to their place and he pays her to clean for them. She is ALWAYS walking in at the worst times. This girl is freaked because his whole family has no boundaries and he cannot seem to set them. I say, tell them KNOCK. Do not use your key without knocking first. Come to clean when we are both at work. Do NOT go through my stuff. (the sister came once with her kids and let her kids play dress up in this girl''s closet, and took photos on her cell phone and emailed them to the girl and the boyfriend, her brother. Could not understand why the girlfriend freaked out!) I personally think she should not clean for them, it is too weird, but she needs the money and will not take charity. I had suggested that they just help his parents but she will not accept the money. On one hand that is nice, but she makes remarks about their home and her purchases etc, so having her there is odd. Also, this girl is a vegetarian and his mom refuses to accept it! When they have their weekly Sunday dinner with his family, she makes pork and lamb and insists she would not be a vegetarian if she tried HER cooking! Families are just plain odd...you hope to marry into a nice normal one but you just never know.

Icky. My ex''s mom and sister used to be like that. They had zero boundaries, everything in our house was apparently okay for them to go through. Me, being an extremely territorial 20 year old, had a BIG problem with them going through the top drawer of the nightstand!!! Yeah. You don''t go through THAT drawer!!! Sister went into our bathroom and took my hairstuff, lotion, etc. Creepy.

 

[ladypirate]

We''re equally close, probably. My parents knew him before I did (kind of a weird story--they introduced us because he works with my dad and they got to be friends over a shared love of food and wine) and they adore him and couldn''t be more thrilled that we''re together. We currently live in the same city as them (actually, only about 1/4 of a mile away), so we usually see them a couple of times a week.

His family lives about a 7 hour drive away, but we''re very close to them as well. We see them a few times a year and they are wonderful. Actually, my family and his family get along brilliantly too--we got them all together for last Thanksgiving and it seemed like it was a contest of who could say the nicest thing about whom. I think both families are just thrilled that we''re together. His grandmother even offered him her mother''s ring to propose with (and has asked us a couple of times when we''re starting on the baby-making

).

 

[surfgirl]

ladypirate, I miss your pirate avatar!

 

[Sha]

Date: 2/5/2008 11:25:38 AM
Author: chocolatefudge
Sha that''s awful! How could anyone be so uncaring? Your poor husband must feel so abandoned by his family. Do you ever worry that if you have children they will be sad that their grandparents don''t care? Or do you think that may interest them?

Tell me about it! I''m glad I''m not the only one who thinks it''s awful. I never mentioned my feelings to DH because I don''t want him to feel bad, but it does hurt. My parents also feel a bit slighted - like nobody in his family wanted to get to know them. Ahhh...

felt especially bad for DH in the weeks leading up to the wedding though. He really expected AT LEAST his mother and sister to be there. When he called and they said they couldn''t.... it was just heartbreaking. I don''t know if he thought about it on the wedding day itself but I know it really bothered him in the weeks leading up to it. He probably felt abandoned, just like you said.

Funnily enough, I never thought about the children/grandparents issue... That''s another thing too. If his family can''t be bothered to come to our wedding, I don''t know if they would really go out of their way to meet their grandchildren/niece/nephew. I guess our children will have a whole SET of family members, grandparents included, who they might never know. It really sucks.

Be glad you''re one of the fortunate ones!