Facebook is a weird thing. What would you do?

[gwendolyn]

Generally, I love it. It lets me reconnect with friends I haven''t talked to in years, allows me to feel closer to the friends and family I have remained close with but who are far away physically, and is generally a fun way to procrastinate while at work. But, it also has introduced a couple of odd situations that wouldn''t really exist otherwise.

My ex, who cheated on me, friend requested me. He cheated on me with a girl who had been a friend of mine when we were in high school and one of the first students I ever taught. They are now married. She friend requested me and after a couple days of mulling it over, I accepted because I am not sure if she ever knew the ex and I were together at the time, when he was seeing us both at the same time (she lived about 400 miles away). Plus, it was his responsibility, not hers, and she and I (at one time) had been so close that we used to write each other letters my first year at uni, while she was still in high school. (Yes, as in paper letters, through the post--this was back in the stone age.) We also have tons of mutual friends, and with no solid reason to deny her, I felt funny about it, so I accepted.

So, now that the ex has friend requested me, I''m feeling two ways about it. On the one hand, I can deny him because, let''s face it, I don''t consider him a friend. But on the other, it was almost six years ago that all this happened and I''d like to believe I could put it completely past me, even though I still have some insecurities and trust issues because of what he did to me. Plus, there''d be the benefit of me looking fab, being happy and getting to see that I did go overseas to school (Cam no less, haha, sucker!) and made my dreams come true (he''d once told me that I didn''t need to go that far away to find my dreams, that maybe they were right in front of me--meaning himself--um, no

).

So, how would you handle this situation? I''m undecided.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

a person i didn''t really consider a friend requested to be my friend the other day and i just pushed ignore
that way they don''t get the rejected response, they just think you haven''t had time to check accept
man i really am a jerk sometimes lol
i have to admit though, me and the facebook ignore button are really good friends

 

[Jelly]

Oh honey...no need to add him as a friend. I would delete her too honestly.

He''s in your past and needs to remain in your past...end of story! He doesn''t deserve to be forgiven or doesn''t deserve to be a part of your life. He messed up and is somehow looking for forgiveness or approval from you.

Just my two cents.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 12/1/2008 2:50:26 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
a person i didn''t really consider a friend requested to be my friend the other day and i just pushed ignore

that way they don''t get the rejected response, they just think you haven''t had time to check accept

man i really am a jerk sometimes lol

i have to admit though, me and the facebook ignore button are really good friends

I don''t think FB sends out "request rejected" notifications, unless it''s a very new thing (but for the last 4 years or so, it hasn''t been the case).

Sorry to hear about the awkward situation Gwen. I would just leave the invitation hanging (not accept, not ignore) for awhile, and decide sloooooowly - leave him hanging in limbo

My BF does it all the time - he just never checks FB so he has friend requests piling up, but usually doesn''t do anything about them for a month or so, lol

 

[trillionaire]

You should think about friending him in two ways: One, you are giving him access into your life. He will see what you are up to, and he will be able to comment. Two, you are going to have elements of his life imposed on you. Like his status updates, new photos and notes/posted items. You could always accept him (or her) with a limited profile, but you are still going to be fed info from their lives. If you don''t want that, then ignore the request. If you feel uncomfortable, there is probably a reason. Not friending him doesn''t mean that you haven''t move on or that you are not in a better place, it might just mean that he has lost his rights to be trusted with your personal intimacies.

A friend of mine once suggested that I give my ex the benefit of the doubt. I told her that he had no benefits and he had accrued mad doubt. And that was that.

 

[FrekeChild]

I wouldn''t accept it.

I have 2 myspace profiles. One is private (incredibly so--just about near impossible to find as well) and the friends on there are people I want to know about, and think (hope) that they want to know about me and whats going on in my life. The other is public, and I have whoever requests to be my friend on there--ex friends, ex BFs, ex best friends, people from high school--and I don''t delete anyone from it really. And I''m happy with that. Facebook is a little bit different, and a bit of a combination of the two, although not many ex BFs, and a lot of high school people.

My privacy is paramount. If I don''t want someone to know something, I won''t post it where they can find it. Or I won''t post it at all. So my question is, do you want him to know about you? And do you want to know about him?

And just because I''m curious, does his wife know that he was dating you both at the same time?

 

[MissDimity]

I would have echoed what trillionaire has said. It depends if you would still like to be updated to details of their lives and vice versa.
I am a very liberal facebooker. I don''t deny friend requests unless I have never met them in real life. I am still friends with ex''s that I have left on friendly terms, however I am always curious of whoever they have formed relationships with post ours.

Recently my bf''s ex (he had gone out with her 4 yrs and she illegally managed to immigrate countries in doing so) although not friends with him anymore, invited all his friends to be her friends on Facebook ( even though they all dislike her), half of them denied the request however, through posts made by his friends on our sites she was granted little insights into our relationship. She one day out of the blue emailed meon Facebook to say that she knew through our "mutual friends" that my bf had been cheating on me, even though that is a huge lie because I am with my bf 24/ 7 and all his friends hate her and don''t have contact with her. Who knows why she did so, only that spitefully she might have thought her comment may have jeopardised our relationship.

So my moral is: be careful who you are friends with on Facebook and what personal details you give out.

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/1/2008 3:08:19 AM
Author: trillionaire
You should think about friending him in two ways: One, you are giving him access into your life. He will see what you are up to, and he will be able to comment. Two, you are going to have elements of his life imposed on you. Like his status updates, new photos and notes/posted items. You could always accept him (or her) with a limited profile, but you are still going to be fed info from their lives. If you don''t want that, then ignore the request. If you feel uncomfortable, there is probably a reason. Not friending him doesn''t mean that you haven''t move on or that you are not in a better place, it might just mean that he has lost his rights to be trusted with your personal intimacies.


A friend of mine once suggested that I give my ex the benefit of the doubt. I told her that he had no benefits and he had accrued mad doubt. And that was that.

ditto trillionaire. If you feel comfortable with him knowing details about you and you probably hearing details about him then I''d add him. If you don''t feel comfortable with this, then I wouldn''t. Personally I probably wouldn''t add him.

 

[laughwithme]

Personally, considering how well you''ve moved on with your life, I think you might be overanalyzing this. If you''re interested in seeing his profile and may want to communicate, accept his request. If you have no desire to talk to him, reject him. Forget about him seeing you look good, how long it''s been, whatever.

 

[HollyS]

I''m from the generation that wonders why people want to keep everyone who ever knew them informed as to their whereabouts and their life now. Why, for heaven''s sake, is it so important to ''stay in touch'' with every Tom, Dick, and Harriet??

After what he did, I definitely would have put him completely into the far corner of my past, and would never have pulled him back out to mull him over. Face facts, he was an ass. Whatever he is now, he was an ass to you, and that''s exactly how you should remember him. He doesn''t deserve a better remembrance from you.

Life presents itself in stages, and each of those stages has its play and its players. When the curtain comes down on that stage, we need to move to the next stage. Very few people get to make the journey of life with you from beginning to end, and that''s the way life is meant to be lived. Without the impetus to move forward, we might just sit still and stagnate. Keep moving forward. And relegate him to the history he himself made in your past.

 

[AdiS]

I agree with trillionaire. Why would you want to let that person in your life again, even indirectly? Personally, I wouldn''t have accepted her request either. It''s pretty much the same-him or her. I wouldn''t want any of my ex boyfriends, their wives, girlfriends or aunts/uncles/cousins,etc for that matter, to be allowed a sneak peek of my life. Whether I chose to move on without them or they did, it''s over when it''s over. How am I, who am I with, my job, my thoughts are none of their business anymore.

 

[JSM]

As a rule, if someone friend requests me and I have to hesitate, then I probably don''t want to be their friend.

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 12/1/2008 8:39:33 AM
Author: jsm
As a rule, if someone friend requests me and I have to hesitate, then I probably don''t want to be their friend.

perfect!

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 12/1/2008 8:22:21 AM
Author: HollyS
I''m from the generation that wonders why people want to keep everyone who ever knew them informed as to their whereabouts and their life now. Why, for heaven''s sake, is it so important to ''stay in touch'' with every Tom, Dick, and Harriet??

After what he did, I definitely would have put him completely into the far corner of my past, and would never have pulled him back out to mull him over. Face facts, he was an ass. Whatever he is now, he was an ass to you, and that''s exactly how you should remember him. He doesn''t deserve a better remembrance from you.

Life presents itself in stages, and each of those stages has its play and its players. When the curtain comes down on that stage, we need to move to the next stage. Very few people get to make the journey of life with you from beginning to end, and that''s the way life is meant to be lived. Without the impetus to move forward, we might just sit still and stagnate. Keep moving forward. And relegate him to the history he himself made in your past.

I agree 100%.

Facebook is a strange thing, indeed. It allows people from the past to intrude on your present and yet because it''s on facebook, somehow it seems ok.

I would delete his request.

 

[Bia]

Yea, I'm not that comfortable with Facebook, but that's just because I am a very private person and don't like my personal business online (PS is completely different IMO). Anyone that important to me is in my life the regular old fashioned way. For those reasons Gwen, I'd recommend that you ignore the request. He's not a friend of yours to begin with, so why add him to your list of friends?

Ask yourself this: Do you really want to reconnect with him? Because if you don't, all that you'll accomplish by adding him to FB will be to give him access to you and all the great people and things in your life (like J)...and for what? He doesn't sound like he's worth it.

Just my honest opinion

 

[Miscka]

Ugh...I swear that Facebook is a curse when it comes to exes. Right now mine is stalking me through Facebook chat. It isn''t worth the drama to me to defriend him, but if I were you and had the chance to NEVER friend him in the first place I would take it. Good luck!!!

 

[ladypirate]

I wouldn''t friend him. He was an ass to you in the past and I wouldn''t give him the satisfaction.

Just click "reject" and if you get any crap for it, you can tell him that you only add people that you actually consider friends.

 

[prettylnpink419]

I personally would not accept the request. He hurt you and therefore doesn''t deserve to know anything about how great things are for you right now. Aas far as she goes, since friending you, have you heard from her or is she just a silent friend. If you aren''t communicating with her, I''d delete her too b/c it''s probably just so she can see what you are doing and who you are doing it with!

 

[BlueSki231]

Seems as though everyone is for not accepting the request.

I, on the other hand, am all for accepting it! To me, it''s harmless. I may be totally naive but I am facebook "friends" with an ex who cheated on me. It was 6 years ago in college and I''m so over it. It''s nice to see how well his life is going and to say hi once in a while and I don''t think he''s an awful human being for what he "did to me".. I''ve moved on and forgiven him because it was just a reflection of his immaturity during that time and had nothing to do with me. Compassion is key here.. everything always works out for the best. Which I''m sure you realize because you ended up with a wonderful man!

I doubt this guy''s out to spy on every aspect of your life by requesting to be friends (like some people have suggested). He married the girl.. I''m sure they have better things to do.

But in the end it''s up to you. like trillionaire said, if you are interested in updates on his life and don''t mind him knowing what you''re up to, then sure.. add him.. why not. But it sounds like you''re still hurt over the situation. I don''t want to sound harsh or direct but you say you''ve put it past you but would you even be asking this question or having this hesitation to add him as a friend if it really have put it completely past you?

I''m probably all sunshine and rainbows but I''m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt. i don''t like to hold grudges against people.. it doesn''t give them (or especially YOU) room to grow.
(when i say YOU i don''t mean YOU gwen.. I mean "you" as in anyone in general

)

 

[gwendolyn]

Hah, I was about to post, "Well, it seems unanimous!" and then as I logged in, Namaste posted.

Namaste, you''re right, I''m not completely over what happened. There''s a long detailed version of the story somewhere, but suffice it to say he didn''t have the excuse of youthful naiveté for what happened. He should''ve handled it better; he didn''t. It has hurt me very much, and although I am very happy now, his presence in any part of my life reminds me of what happened before. It''s like his name makes me feel an echo of the low feeling I had from when this all came out in the open at the nice birthday dinner I''d just bought for him.

I don''t think he wants to spy. I think he is either interested in becoming friends again (this will sound dumb, but we grew to be very good friends very quickly when we were dating, a kindred spirits kind of thing), or still feels guilty about what happened and want to alleviate some of that guilt. After he broke the news about the other chick to me, I just went numb and walked out of the restaurant. He called me repeatedly for a while after that, begging me to yell at him because (he said) he knew he deserved it.

In our field, there are many overlaps of friends and co-workers in the same general area, so even when he was out of my life before, he wasn''t totally out of my life because we have many mutual friends (same with his wife). So, it''s more like to what degree I''d like him in my life. This is a peace offering of sorts, I think.

But my gut feeling tells me to reject it; even though I would like to not care whether or not I see news about him, I do care because it brings me down and reminds me of one of the worst times in my life.

Like jsm says, I don''t usually have to hesitate when people friend request me--normally it''s more like, "Woohoo!! Haven''t heard from ___ in ages, yay!"

And laughwithme, when it comes to overanalyzing, I''d sweep the golds every time.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I would accept him under limited access to your profile (if your current BF is ok with it - of course) and then ignore him. Limited access lets you pick and choose what they see, e.g. no wall posts, no pics whatever you want. I would try not write to him or look at his pics or all the other great temptations facebooks offers. Then again - if it takes that much effort, i would just reject the offer all together. Who cares if it hurts his feelings? He didn't care about hurting yours when he cheated on you...

 

[gwendolyn]

ilovethiswebsite, you''re right to mention the worry of hurting feelings--the reason I accepted his wife''s request was because I didn''t want to hurt her feelings, and there is a large part of me that doesn''t want to hurt his either, even though he was a pretty big jerkface to me.

 

[tabu]

Hey Gwen! I think it''s ok and harmless that you reguested them as your friends on Facebook. You could always delete them later or ignore certain comments from them if they start getting annoying. But hopefully your ex has matured and just wants to see what people are up to from his past

 

[gwendolyn]

No, no, tabu, I didn''t request them! They both requested me. I don''t want you to think I was chasing down the dude who cheated on me. Just, no.

 

[tabu]

Oh, sorry Gwen!!!! Thats what I meant!!! you accepted their request!!!! Sorry for the confusion

 

[Bia]

Sweetiepie, if the only thing keeping you from deleting his request is that you don''t want to hurt his feelings, DON''T worry about it.

Ultimately, he might be offended but oh well, oh well. Here''s why: Maybe he''s a great guy now, but he''s wasn''t that guy for you, so you don''t have to pretend to want to be his friend. You said yourself, sometimes those negative feelings return. I always think its better to not surround yourself with people who don''t make you happy. So IMO, you shouldn''t.

If you feel mean by denying him, then add him w/ limited access so he can''t see everything. But, again, IMHO, you shouldn''t lose sleep. You''re too good for that.

 

[gwendolyn]

No prob, tabu.

Bia, yeah, I keep going back and forth about it. I am pretty sure I will decline his request, but something is keeping me from doing it right now. I think it''s guilt, which confuses me.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 12/1/2008 8:39:33 AM
Author: jsm
As a rule, if someone friend requests me and I have to hesitate, then I probably don''t want to be their friend.

Yup, same goes for me. I wouldn''t bother giving him the benefit of knowing what you''re up to even though he could probably just go look on his wife''s account to see your profile.

 

[gwendolyn]

I denied his friend request and deleted his wife from my friend''s list. Thanks for lending a patient ear (eye?), everyone.

 

[Bia]

Good riddance.