Exes who are still around...

[meresal]

Do you think that family/siblings should break ties with an old flame of yours if you are no longer together?

 

[elrohwen]

For the most part, yes. I'm an only child, so I guess I'm thinking more about parents than siblings here. For a sibling it would obviously depend a lot on context and how long they had been friends. Clearly if they had been childhood friends I'm not going to expect them to break ties because I broke up with my boyfriend. If they had become friends since I had been dating the boyfriend, it would seem weird to keep bringing the ex around. If the friendship was more casual and didn't effect me, and I didn't have to see my ex, I don't think it would bother me that much.

Parents are different though. I would expect my parents to back off from any guy that I was no longer with. I don't see any reason for parents to continue being friends with a much younger person that was previously in a relationship with their child. Even if it's the kid of family friends, they can be friends with the parents without inviting the ex over for coffee all the time.

 

[fieryred33143]

Depends.

I'm assuming we're talking about an ex of a few months or even years, not someone dated for a couple of weeks.

My general answer would be no. My brothers are adults and they can choose who to hang out with. Plus, if they're just hanging out with them on the weekend or to go to happy hour, well that doesn't have much to do with me.

However, I would still want to be respected. If there is a family function or a family holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas, I would be upset if they invited that ex over knowing that I would be there with my FI (and now child). I'd also expect them not to be telling them what is going on in my life. I feel that if the ex is asking questions about me outside of the normal "so how is your family doing?" then he has another motive.

If it made my partner upset or uncomfortable then I would have a chat with them and see what we could work out.

 

[meresal]

El- I def agree with you re: parents. lol. That would drive me crazy if my parents wanted to continue talking to an ex of mine. So weird!

Fiery- The realtionship was almost 3.5 years.

I agree with you that if it doesn't effect me, then I shouldn't care. It is my DH's ex... who is moving to the area that my SIL lives in and has expressed interest in hanging out with her. It just surprised me.

 

[Anonymous]

Eh, probably wouldn't bother me unless she was coming to functions that you were at as well. Then it'd get weird. If I had a good friendship with my ex husband's sibling (I don't, but in theory...) I would be pretty miffed if I had to give up that relationship just because it didn't work out between the ex and I.

 

[Clio]

In general (barring abuse or some other kind of really bad experience), I don't think I'd have a problem with it (or, at least, I hope I wouldn't have a problem). My aunt and uncle have been divorced for 15 years, but we still see my uncle and his second wife on occasion. When people are in a relationship for a while, it's natural that they would also develop relationships with the families. I wouldn't expect my family members to cut all ties just because I was no longer with the ex. (although, I would expect that the nature of those ties would naturally change)

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

I would probably have an issue with it, especially if their prior relationship was long-term, which this obviously was. It’s better to leave the past in the past…

 

[Haven]

It depends on the ex. I'd be less comfortable with her continued presence if she wasn't in a relationship of her own. If she's happily married or with someone, then it wouldn't bother me much, I suppose. That is, unless SHE bothered me in the way that some women just happen to do. I'm thinking of someone who might be flirty, have issues with boundaries, or awkward around me because of her past with my SO. It's something I can't articulate, but I've known some exes who just seem like trouble, and those are the type I wouldn't want around.

 

[gemgirl]

Do you think that family/siblings should break ties with an old flame of yours if you are no longer together?

I think it does make life easier for the person who might still be in pain. When my first husband left me for the second (and final) time after being caught having yet another affair, my brother-in-law, who had previously been a life long close friend of my ex's, told my ex he was sorry, but blood was thicker than friendship and he couldn't see or talk to him anymore. My brother-in-law did it out of respect for me and for the fact that I was hurting so badly.

Now fast forward twenty five plus years later, my sister and BIL became friends with my ex-husband and the new wife, and because my sister has been ticked off at me for years, she made sure she told my mother, so my mother would tell me, just to hurt my feelings. (I don't care anymore).

But my situation was an ex-husband and someone I had spent eleven years of my life with. I think it's different if the two people were just dating.