etiquette question on destination wedding HELP!

[nicstn]

O.K here the question. My best friend is having her wedding in Aruba. She ask me to be in her bridal party. Now here comes the tricky part. She is not paying anything toward her bridal party expenses to Aruba which i did not know at first. We pay for everthing ourselves air,hotel,food and so on plus my finace would come so it would be two airfares. I''m really nervous because I have a feeling this could get very expensive on my part paying all the regular wedding stuff such as dress,bridal shower,and wedding gift on top of airfare and hotel expensives. I''m also getting married 4 months after her she got engaged first then me. I''m not even sure how I can even swing the vacations days since my honeymoon will be in the same year as her wedding and i only get 2 weeks vacation. I''m thinking i will have to take personal days beacause i need all my vacation days for my honeymoon. She is having two weddings one in Aruba and a small one here when they get back. I kinda feel that if she wants to get married in Aruba and have her bridal party there shouldn''t she pay for something such as our dresses or hotel or airfare at least one of those things? Am i wrong? I went online and checked etiquette on this subject. It does say if she wants her wedding party to go to a destination wedding that she should pay the airfare or hotel stay for her bridal party. Is this correct what to you guys think on this subject? I''m so torn I want to be there but now that I''m getting married i don''t see how I can afford to do it. Any advise would be greatly appriecated. thanks

 

[Matata]

Yikes. It seems impolite to expect a bridal party to participate in a destination wedding without offering some financial assistance. But I don't know the bride and can't speculate on her reasons. Have you spoken to her about the hardship your participation poses? Even if she can't afford to help the entire party, it seems odd that she wouldn't offer you, as her best friend, some help with the cost.

 

[nicstn]

Well basically she always wanted i a island wedding. i knew that i also would of been able to afford it if it wasn't for my upcoming wedding. i had already told her yes but now w/ my upcoming wedding and seeing how expensive things are i'm not sure i can afford to spend that kind money and i hoped that she was going to pay for something but seems she is not. i'm thinking just the airfare and hotel stay will cost me at least 2000 for me and my finace thats not adding in all the other BS. she hasn't started the planning of this 2005 june aruba wedding yet so everything is up in the air still. i'm kinda waiting to see what happens since they just bought a house and i can't see how they are going to be able to afford both. i just don't want to look like the bad friend since everyone else seems o.k. w/ it but me and one other person. i just think maybe she should be paying something towards the bridal party since that is asking alot. also how do u give a wedding gift on top of that. im just so torn how do i go at telling her to pay for some of the expenses toward this trip.

 

[Hest88]

You can't ask her to pay. However, you can back out politely by just telling her that with your wedding coming up you've crunched the numbers and there's no way you can be a bridesmaid. And if you do it sooner rather than later she should understand.

 

[NewShiny]

If she really is your best friend, you can easily have a heart to heart talk with her about all of the expenses. Hopefully, she will volunteer to help you out some. If not, you need to decide what you are comfortable in affording. If this means that you can't attend the Aruba wedding, so be it. Again, a best friend will completely understand.

Some more ideas:
I don't know the circumstances of your relations with your fiancee, but if BF and I were in this situation, he would want me to go alone so I can be there for her and also to save money. Since it wouldn't really be a vacation anyway (you don't have enough vacation time to make it a "real" vacation), and I'm sure there will be others there that you know, maybe you can find other friends to split the cost of the hotel room.

If you are going, perhaps you can ask her to help you out by seeking a vacation rental w/ kitchen near the wedding venue so you don't have to stay in a pricey hotel and eat out for every meal. You could also ask her to look for inexpensive dresses and acessories. This weekend, the bride of an upcoming wedding that I will be in later this year found beautiful designer dresses for her wedding party on clearance for $60! They were originally $220!

I am invited to 5 weddings this year within four months, and am playing a big role in two of them. Also, I am (hopefully) about to start planning my own wedding. So believe me, your post really hit home! I am already budgeting what I can spend on each event and am not buying a new dress for every event.

Good luck, and let us know how the conversation went!

 

[Nicrez]

Wow, what an interesting post! I am hoping to have a destination wedding myself, and never knew this was the ettiquette! WOW!




My Maid of Honor is actually getting married near the time of MY wedding too, so I offered to pay for her dress and all. I would offer more, but she and her fiance actually RAISED money for their wedding, and will end up MAKING money on their wedding, as they are all about cash gifts. We on the other hand will be dropping all our own money for the wedding and not getting gifts, in lieu of attendance.




So, your question is a good one, and I think you SHOULD talk to her about expenses. Honestly, she should be considerate when choosing dresses, and accessories if any. Also, if you CAN travel alone or even if you can save money on renting a place with a few people all together. Maybe she can set you up with a few others looking for a cheaper alternative. We are currently looking into villas that accomodate 6+ and then filling them with our younger friends who don't mind sleeping on the couch or an inflatable bed or something.




Either way, I iwsh you the best of luck with this, and do let us know how it turns out. It's always helpful to get different views on such things! GOOD LUCK!!!

 

[nicstn]

Update- As of right now my b/f and her finace are in a arugement about this aruba wedding. he wants to have it here because of the fact that they just bought a house and if they have a island wedding they will not make any money on it only spend more. he feels since people will be spending $1000 or more per person that expecting any sort of gift from guests is crazy. my b/f thinks different she feels that people will see it as a vacation they would of gone on anyway and that people will still give $ gifts. her finace also feels that when they come back from the island wedding they will have too have a small reception again here for the people in there famlies that can't afford to go. and to do both it would become a big expense since we all live in N.Y.C. area even a little party here costs $10,000 and a full wedding of 200 people $40,000-$50,000. so as of now i'm staying out of it because she is very upset about how he feels even though deep inside i think she knows he is right. the island wedding she is looking at isn't cheap either i did a mock up for her of the cost and it ending up coming out to cost $20,000. so since her finace feels the same as me, that thinking getting any $ out of having this island wedding is crazy! they just empty thier bank accounts to buy a house maybe she should rethink the things they really need. having a wedding here they would make money from it definately. much needed money for the home and remodeling. maybe she will come around. she is young 24 and a little out of touch about money because she lived home her whole life maybe when the mortage hits every month she will understand better.

 

[NyssaLynne]

WOW! A $20,000 tropical wedding. What is she planning? Ours was quite inexpensive in Jamaica. I don''t know where someone found info that etiquette says the bridal couple must pay for the bridal parties expenses. My research showed that guests are expected to provide their own hotel & transportation no matter where the wedding is located. If she can afford to pay and has the desire, I am sure the bridal party would be appreciative...but it is not to be expected.

I can understand you not having the resources to travel to her Aruba wedding when you are planning your own wedding shortly after. I would say that if she can''t help you out, then you should politely decline and withdraw from the wedding party. She should understand since you obviously have been wedding planning together and understand each other''s wedding budget.

Good luck!

 

[qtiekiki]

Wow, I never actually heard the words "making money" with wedding. I was more anticipating that we will get some money but definitely not more than what we spend on the wedding. I hope we can just break even with what we spend and what we get as gift, let alone make money.

Back to the topic, it''s not a question of etiquette but a question of consideration. Knowing that you will be having your own wedding a few months after her, she should openly talk to you about the expenses that come with the bridemaid''s role and offer her understanding/consideration to either assist in your expenses or to give you an opportunity to decide not to be in the bridal party and not get offended. I am not expecting my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses or their hairs and makeups. I just think that it is a lot of money for someone to spend, and since I asked them to be in my wedding and they will be helping me out some much, I feel like I should pay for some things.

 

[Deputy74]

I had actually planned on having my wedding in St. Lucias, BUT common sense prevailed. I want my friends and family to be at my wedding but I know that they cannot afford to bring their families to a resorton a island. The wedding itself would be free to us because it would come included in the resort stay package BUT all my guests would be forking over a small fortune just to see me get married. I wouldnt have a wedding party because my bridesmaids simply couldnt afford it like you. So...after weighing my options...either a destination wedding with just my fiance and me OR a wedding in town and then going on our honeymoon in St. Lucias, I opted to to do the second one. A wedding is something people should want to go to celebrate with you and not have to worry about working extra jobs to afford it. I just felt bad because alot of people wanted to see me get married but they already told me they cant afford to go to St. Lucias when I brought the topic up. Weddings shouldnt inconvenience the people you love and care for. If she wants...she can have her wedding in Aruba with just her and her fiance, the cost is like $500 for the ceremony just to say you were married in Aruba. And then she can come back to NYC and get married infront of all her friends. Basically it would be like having the honeymoon first and then the wedding.

Besides, tell your friend that with many destination weddings, they have to stay a minimum of 3 days before they can get married. And really...who wants their parenst on their honeymoon since that is what many destination weddings turn into? That was the clincher for me. Did I really want my mom at the same resort I was at if she decided to stay longer? NOPE.

 

[NyssaLynne]

While it is true that many resorts require you to stay for 3 days before the wedding package is complimentary, and some destinations require a couple to be on the island for at least 24 hours before the wedding (government residency requirement), that does not mean your guests have to arrive the same day as you. Nor do they have to stay at the same resort.

While I am against the major chain companies like Sandals and Superclubs, because of the increase in price due to the name and the blatant commercialization, these resorts have many locations near each other where guests could stay ay one resort and the couple at another. I know several people who have done exactly this same thing. They have stayed at the more ''upscale'' adults-only resort while their guests have stayed at the ''family'' resort that was almost across the street. Other places, like Couples Resorts in Jamaica, have several locations in different areas of the island. So a couple could get married at one location and then honeymoon at a different location, leaving the guests at the first resort location.

I guess what I am saying is don''t discount a destination wedding just because you think you have to stay at the same place as your guests. They could do a ''long weekend'', arriving on Friday for a Saturday wedding and departing on Monday. Or they could do a whole week ''vacation'' and the honeymooning couple could go to a different resort location to be alone. We visited 2 locations on our destination wedding. Married in Ocho Rios and honeymooned in Negril.

 

[twinkletoes]

i kind of went through the same thing with my best friend when she got married. she insisted her bachlorette party be in vegas cause LA wasn''t good enough. She said all 22 of her friends already told her they''d definately go. I told her their story would be different once it comes time to pony up the cash. She said it''d be a perfect girlie get away and if not for her bachelorette party, when would it ever happen. So we planned for Vegas and only 1 person who wasn''t in her bridal party came which came out to a total of 5 people.

Also, they got married far enough away that it was a pain in the butt for a lot of people, but not far enough away that people wanted to pay extra money to stay there over night/for the weekend. And trust me, NO ONE considered it a "weekend/vacation get away." And people DO resent having being inconvenienced in such a way. They''ll feel obligated to go, use up precious vacation time, won''t be able to bring their loved ones, pay more money than wanted for her wedding, etc etc. And etiquette does say that the bride & groom should pay for their attendants'' air/hotel if they choose to have a destination wedding. I think I just read that in a recent wedding magazine. My friend did pay for our $50 bridesmaid dresses & hair do''s, but not for hotel stay. Everyone but me and my boyfriend ended up driving the 3-4 hours back to LA. Most of them left super early as well. Only the bridal party stayed till everything was over.

Sorry to say, but your friend needs a little bit of a reality check.

 

[chantal990]

I am having a destination wedding in Hawaii and living in Melbourne Australia it is not as though it is just down the road but I will not expect anyone to fork out the cash to come. We haven''t decided yet on if we are having a bridal party but if we do we will cover the travel costs for them as far as airfare and accomodation go. I think that maybe you should have a talk to your friend and just explain the financial situation and if she is a good friend she will understand and yes there is the etiquette thing.