Home Elementary son''s social life

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

My 1st grader seems to be well liked and kids always say hi to him every day and I figured all was well for him socially. He has a best friend who he plays with at recess and he seems like an okay kid. . .

So last weekend, I get a call from the mother of his best friend saying she is having a b-day celebration for her son and would like my son and another kid from school to go. She sounded frantic and said she works six days a week and her husband works swing shift so she never sees him and she feels bad so she wants to make it up to her son by spoiling him. She went into more detail than I would think appropriate from a woman I''ve never spoken too before. A bit of her overwhelmed personality was put on me, but I realize parents are stressed, so I agreed with what all she said. I also agreed that she could take my son with them out to a movie and dinner.

The other boy who was invited said he cannot come. He told the b-day child it is because the b-day boy and family are "too violent!" AH? What? Okay, I''m not sure if this is just 1st grade talk or what. Kids do say odd things. But, I asked my son if there is any hitting going on and he said no, but did admit his friend says the F word before. . .

So, this isn''t much to go on, but now I''m concerned. My biggest concern is that although my son is liked by all the kids, he plays exclusively with the above mentioned boy, which means if there are problems with the kid, my son may not be growing up over the long run developing a reputation as a nice kid. We live in a community where there are ONLY houses and three condo complexes, so everyone here is long-term and stable, so his social ties at this young age are important for him in his future.

Sorry this is so long, but I''m wondering how important kids'' social ties really are in 1st grade. Do kids tend grow apart and develop new friendships? Will my son naturally spread his wings as he gets older?

Thanks for thoughts.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That is a little complicated. I honestly try not to let my child go to homes of people I don''t know at all unless I am there with her. Big bithday parties are easier at that age, because lots of parents just stay and hang out at the party. I don''t think first graders are the best judges of character, so they may not be able to sort out who they should and should not choose as friends. I''ll be honest and tell you that the F-word issue would be of concern to me. Do you know anyone else who knows this family? Can you call the mother of the little boy who declined the invitation?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I've only meet the mother of the child who declined one time and that was at my son's party. Last year we had a drop off party at Chuck E Cheeses and only two out of the 11 kids' parents stayed, so it wasn't a big deal to anyone to have my family watch all the kids and so that was the split second of time I talked to the other child's mom. Would it be crazy for me to call her? I wonder if the panicky voice of the mom inviting my son concerned the other mom? I was just so happy at the time that my son & his best friend could celebrate together that possibly I misjudged this whole thing.

I'm not a fan of kids and cell phones and would never consider getting my son one, but tomorrow - and my husband is going to kill me! lol - I told my son he could use my DH's cell phone and call me if he needs me to pick him up!

ETA - Also, I prefer to stay out of the school's parent social dynamics as the women there are cliqueish so would calling the mom constitute gossiping, which I'm trying desperately to avoid?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

No, protecting your child is not gossip. At least you have met this other mom since her child came to your child's party. I would not mind one bit if another parent called me in similar circumstances. I would simply tell her that you heard her son was also invited, and since you do not know this family, you wondered if she did. And then see what she says.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Being that I work in child and family social services, I tend to be a very cautious person, I''ll start by saying that.

I don''t know how far off the birthday party is (if you mentioned it, I read too quickly), but I would try to make an arrangement to meet the parents and have their child have a play date at my house. I''d monitor what I saw and if he was acting aggresively or inappropriately, I''d let his parents know (gently, of course). That way, I''d have an idea of what their home environment is like, as far as what is appropriate and accepted at their house. I''d also try to get a feel for his parents. I''d do all of this without the other little boy having made that comment.

Kids do say a lot of really random things, and a lot of times, they are just repeating what they''ve heard, true or not.

As far as whether or not kids keep the same friends from 6 years old to high school, well, that entirely depends on the child. I would say for the most part, once a friend, always a friend, up until about 5th grade. At that time, a child gets more specific about who they are, what they are interested in, and they kind of start to "compartment" their friends, based on the same activities, etc. I grew up in the same home from birth to high school graduation and my friends didn''t vary much at all until 4th and 5th grades; then they changed a lot in middle school (partly because they were so many more teachers, students, less "tight" of a group, etc.).

I also think the term "best friend" changes frequently, for most kids, in first grade. My "best friend" depended on the play dough they brought to school to play with that day, or if they were my bus seat buddy.

Socially, I don''t think who your child is friends with matters in the way you''re thinking (if he''ll be seen as a bully, violent, etc.) as much as it matters in just what he may see and pick up on and mimic in the home, if it is a not-so-appropriate environment.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh! I just saw it''s happening SOON, SOON.

I''d call, for sure.

 

[movie zombie]

how about inviting yourself along as a helpful mom helping a frantic mother? your son gets to go and you get to monitor the event.

movie zombie

 

[diamondfan]

I have a 6th and 9th grader along with one in K. I would say, for the most part, my oldest is still close with a core group that he has known since Pre K. Of course, some kids have left school and new kids come in, and friendships do shift and evolve. Honestly, it is a tough lesson for a kid to grasp, that sometimes an old friend can sort of become someone a bit scary or that sometimes people change a lot and cannot continue as friends. My middle son also has the situation, as they have been at the same school since Pre K and really have a tight bond with some of the kids. Occasionally a new kid comes in who is tough or has sort of a bad reputation. I try to tell my kids that while it is nice to see the good in everyone, one is also judged by the company one keeps. So even if my kids are nice, but hang out with some of the tough kids out of having a history from the past, they can be lumped in with that group. In first grade I think you might not really need to be too worried but...it never hurts as a parent to be on top of things.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

The party is tomorrow. . .

In Dec. I did try and arrange a play date at our house, but the kids ended up playing at his house because the mom called him "high strung," and thought it would be better having him at home. When the date ended up being finalized, I was in California, so my husband took my son there and the day went fine. DH didn''t sense anything odd. . .

I guess I''ll assess the situation when I drop my son off. Since I have another child just two years younger, he''d have to come along too, so I''ll see what the mom has planned since my 5 YO isn''t good in movies. We may just have to meet up at some point.

Overall, this is a huge bummer to me since I was thrilled that my son developed a close bond with another kid. . .

 

[diamondseeker2006]

MC, what happened?

 

[asscherisme]

Hi MC, I responded to your hangout thread in detail but my short answer is do not let your child play with this kid outsdie school. See other reply for more detail. Its your job to protect your child.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 2/2/2008 9:22:26 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
MC, what happened?

My son had a good time, but when the mom dropped my son off, we talked for a total of five minutes and her son spoke only about violent stuff, such as enjoying video games with "killing," and hurting animals, etc. Isn''t that just shocking? I feel entirely naive that I didn''t see any of the warning signs until now.

It''s going to be tricky breaking up the bond between the boys and I worry now the mom is going to latch onto me or my DH as a souce of support. She mentioned taking my son up skiing with her, which left me in a panic. Luckily I don''t ski and it would be weird if my DH went up with her to help with the kids, so we have an easy way out of that one.

I''ll keep you all posted and I posted on the Hangout forum too for more feedback. . . I''m making a game plan for networking my son with other kids so hopefully my son moves on!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 2/3/2008 12:53:24 PM
Author: asscherisme
Hi MC, I responded to your hangout thread in detail but my short answer is do not let your child play with this kid outsdie school. See other reply for more detail. Its your job to protect your child.

Thanks for your reply. I told my husband about it and he said "YEP." That kid will end up like the one you mentioned and we fear that they will latch on now that they have found us so nice to them.

 

[diamondfan]

I did not see your comment in the other thread about hurting animals. In studying psychology, that is one of THE warning signs of sociopathic behavior later in life. There is something called the psychotic triad and torturing animals is one of the three indicators. This is a very disturbing thing to me. I would under no circumstances allow your son to play with him outside of school. And I would try to steer him to other kids too, but not really force the issue too much. Sometimes the more you push the less it works. So just be encouraging of his forging new friendships. I would not have too many conversations with others not involved. Though it is your right, it can also come back to haunt you in a bad way, but what matters most is that you protect your son. If these parents do not know what is up and no one is encouraging them to get help, well, sadly, you cannot be the one to initiate that. Therefore, just know the issues and keep your son safe.

 

[surfgirl]

I''ve been reading this thread because it''s an interesting dilemma...Is it inappropriate for MC to mention this kid''s comments to the school counselor? We always hear when a kid goes psycho, "Oh Timmy was a this or that kind of kid but..." So when is it appropriate to actually take action and say something to someone - like a counselor, who can perhaps take a closer look at the kid and monitor the situation? I''m just curious what people think about this.