aaaawww feel tons better, Hope BF finds a job soon too!Date: 4/30/2009 1:57:15 PM
Author: jjc
Thank you so much bee*, Ellen, Kelli, doodle!
That truly is some magical dust, I feel a little better today
I should''ve explained in my OP that doing well on these exams coming up, and maintaining my ranking, will be the nicest, simplest way of nabbing myself a job before graduation (I''m in law school). We''re already into Dead Week, when I usually pull 15 hour days, and I''ve beeninstead.
My poor BF passed the Bar Exam in November and he has yet to find a lawyering job, so it''s definitely a scary desert out there
So, please, keep sending all the dust you can spare, I would really really really appreciate it!
jjc, you sound like you're in a really tough spot right now. Are you just over-tired from school obligations? It sounds like more... I recommend you see a doctor, and maybe even a therapist, because it is obvious (to me anyway) that you need to talk to someone who can help you.Date: 5/1/2009 1:54:21 AM
Author: jjc
Ok, so now I'm really worried. Not about my flu, or it becoming swine flu, but about the fact that this flu that I've had for the last two weeks is still around because I have nothing left in me to fight. It's like every bad thing that could've happened - happened to converge right now. My worst nightmare, basically. Everything I've been through, pretty horrendous things, I've always gotten through for someone else - literally, someone asking me to do unspeakable things 'for them.' And I think I'm just tired, and broken, after having been jerked around so many times by things over which I have no control, or defining my whole existence by the happiness of another. Everything I've ever pushed through has been for someone else, things I did happily, or despite some crazy stuff others have done to me. Nothing has been what I wanted, and I'm not whining about that - at all. I just have no motivation now - I'm tired of living my life for someone else, and I don't know how to live my life for me. And I have exams in less than a week, and I can't even stay cogent long enough to study, let alone to write 4 4-hour exams. I know I still have time and I can do it - but it all comes down to the fact that I have no motivation. To be perfectly honest, I have no personal dreams or hopes. I live every second of my day praying that I won't turn into my evil dad, who told me that 'suicide is a very hard thing to do, but you're such a crappy daughter that you give me the strength to do it. If I don't come home one night, know that the next time you'll see me is in the morgue' every night for three years - he never let me sleep (during HS). My 'best friends' (who I divorced about 3 years ago), saw this behavior first hand and would tell me that I was the one who was making things too big a deal. Every second of every day I try to be optimistic that I am a good person, and that my dad and ex-friends were wrong, and I lived my life so my mom could be happy. But I'm broken and I don't know how to make myself fight for it anymore.
To those getting annoyed with my post, I feel you. I am annoying myself, to no end. And yet, I don't know what to do. I've never ever stopped fighting, and I am extremely hard on myself. I KNOW it's my responsibility. I KNOW only I can help myself. And I know that there are people who have it MUCH worse than I can even fathom, so why am I complaining. I myself am very aggravated with myself. And still...nothing. Nothing but tears that make me want to kick my own ass, repeatedly. I despise myself right now because I'm being weak, the last thing I would ever want to be. I've always been the one to push through and complete/make right/make better everyone's crap. And now I can't seem to handle my own. It's just all come to a head and I know I have no other option but to keep fighting. But I don't seem to care to.
I know there are so many strong, intelligent ladies on PS who have made it beyond immeasurably harder situations, what kept you from giving up? When everything caves in on you at once, how did you keep pushing and fighting?
ETA: I'm very sorry that the only two threads I've started are all so long and all about me. I just really don't open up to anyone but FF and he's so always on my side that I don't completely trust his objectivity (although I love him unendingly for being him). I hope this will be my last thread like thisMy sincerest apologies
You are entitled to your feelings and its okay to let them out. Sometimes when the fight has left you, it is a good idea to get inspired. Watch a movie or read a book about a person who went through hell and back...I sometimes find that helps. However, you might want to consider counseling at this point, as it sounds like you are looking for an impartial point of view and a good counselor can do that for you. I admit to going to therapy during tough times and it was great for me. Perhaps you should consider it, there is no shame in it.Date: 5/1/2009 1:54:21 AM
Author: jjc
Ok, so now I''m really worried. Not about my flu, or it becoming swine flu, but about the fact that this flu that I''ve had for the last two weeks is still around because I have nothing left in me to fight. It''s like every bad thing that could''ve happened - happened to converge right now. My worst nightmare, basically. Everything I''ve been through, pretty horrendous things, I''ve always gotten through for someone else - literally, someone asking me to do unspeakable things ''for them.'' And I think I''m just tired, and broken, after having been jerked around so many times by things over which I have no control, or defining my whole existence by the happiness of another. Everything I''ve ever pushed through has been for someone else, things I did happily, or despite some crazy stuff others have done to me. Nothing has been what I wanted, and I''m not whining about that - at all. I just have no motivation now - I''m tired of living my life for someone else, and I don''t know how to live my life for me. And I have exams in less than a week, and I can''t even stay cogent long enough to study, let alone to write 4 4-hour exams. I know I still have time and I can do it - but it all comes down to the fact that I have no motivation. To be perfectly honest, I have no personal dreams or hopes. I live every second of my day praying that I won''t turn into my evil dad, who told me that ''suicide is a very hard thing to do, but you''re such a crappy daughter that you give me the strength to do it. If I don''t come home one night, know that the next time you''ll see me is in the morgue'' every night for three years - he never let me sleep (during HS). My ''best friends'' (who I divorced about 3 years ago), saw this behavior first hand and would tell me that I was the one who was making things too big a deal. Every second of every day I try to be optimistic that I am a good person, and that my dad and ex-friends were wrong, and I lived my life so my mom could be happy. But I''m broken and I don''t know how to make myself fight for it anymore.
To those getting annoyed with my post, I feel you. I am annoying myself, to no end. And yet, I don''t know what to do. I''ve never ever stopped fighting, and I am extremely hard on myself. I KNOW it''s my responsibility. I KNOW only I can help myself. And I know that there are people who have it MUCH worse than I can even fathom, so why am I complaining. I myself am very aggravated with myself. And still...nothing. Nothing but tears that make me want to kick my own ass, repeatedly. I despise myself right now because I''m being weak, the last thing I would ever want to be. I''ve always been the one to push through and complete/make right/make better everyone''s crap. And now I can''t seem to handle my own. It''s just all come to a head and I know I have no other option but to keep fighting. But I don''t seem to care to.
I know there are so many strong, intelligent ladies on PS who have made it beyond immeasurably harder situations, what kept you from giving up? When everything caves in on you at once, how did you keep pushing and fighting?
ETA: I''m very sorry that the only two threads I''ve started are all so long and all about me. I just really don''t open up to anyone but FF and he''s so always on my side that I don''t completely trust his objectivity (although I love him unendingly for being him). I hope this will be my last thread like thisMy sincerest apologies
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