Dreading wedding!

[MissDimity]

Hi all,
I think this is my first thread post on BIW! I am a year and 1 month out from my wedding, and am starting to seriously worry about it. So far, we have only booked the ceremony/ reception venue ( which my mother paid the deposit), and as we are in the process of buying a property we have not thought about doing anything else until our property has settled.

Now my FMIL came over a week ago ( she lives in the country 5 hours away) and told my fiance that she thought we should invite all his cousins and she is willing to give us $10,000 towards the costs of us doing so. However, he has alot of cousins ( 15+) plus we would need to invite there partners, so that is an extra 30 people.

We were always expecting fiancé''s parents to give $10,000 towards our wedding but were hoping to use it towards other costs. They had also given the same amount towards fiance''s brothers wedding last October, however they didn''t ask him to invite all the cousins.

I''m feeling kinda depressed at the moment, as I only have about 10 people coming from my ENTIRE family, compared to finances 60+ (some of whom I have never met), and feeling like my family would be isolated from the rest of the people attending.
Also, because we are now inviting cousins I can only invite approx 8 of my own friends ( even though fiance is inviting about 20+ of his, however I haven''t argued as I see them quite often).

Not only am I concerned at the disproportionate amount of people coming from fiances side (80) vs my side (20). But fiance wants to split bill 50/50 with me (except wedding dress and BM''s which I am excepted to pay for). I think this is unfair, as fewer of my family and friends are attending, not only that but I earn considerably less than him.

My mother (sole parent) has already told me that she can''t give anything towards the wedding, as herself and my grandma have given $55000 towards purchasing a property. Fiance''s parents have on the other hand have given us $10000 towards a property, and are giving $10,000 towards the wedding, so as they have given less overall.

I don''t know how to approach my fiance, about splitting the overall costs of the wedding, but I don''t think it is particularly fair. I''m also thinking of foregoing BM''s as I cann''t afford the added expense, and also because I had initially wanted my male friends to act as bride''s men to which my fiance disapproved of.

Don''t now how to handle this situation. Thinking of other possibilities. Such as changing the wedding venue to a small intimate wedding overseas/ honeymoon, however we have already told some friends of the wedding date.

What to do? Please suggest???

 

[iheartscience]

Wow. I think you need to put your foot down in a big way.

First of all, only inviting 20 of your own guests vs. his 80 guests is really unfair. It doesn''t need to be split down the middle if he has a bigger family, but you having to limit your guest list to accommodate his 30 cousins you''ve never met is ridiculous.

Secondly, it''s really ridiculous for him to tell you that you have to split the wedding costs 50/50 for a couple of reasons. One-you''re getting MARRIED so your money is his money and vice versa. I''m not saying you should just have one account (me and my fiance will continue to have separate accounts after we get married) but it''s just silly to act as if your money is separate at this point.

Two-it''s not fair to make you broke (by splitting everything 50/50) when it''s less of a hardship on him. I would think long and hard about marrying someone who wanted to make sure you paid exactly the same as him. It seems very selfish.

And the fact that the property you''re buying is being paid for mostly by your family means that if he really thinks things should be 50/50 he and his family should pay for the entire wedding and reception and honeymoon.

It also is pretty ridiculous that you''re not "allowed" to have who you want in your wedding party. Is he your father or your fiance?

It sounds like you have quite a lot to work out before you get married, honestly. I''m at a loss as to how you should bring this up to him because I feel like at this stage in your relationship you should really be able to talk about anything and everything. I would just sit him down and lay it all out there, see what he says and go from there. Good luck.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 1/26/2009 9:28:22 PM
Author: thing2of2
Wow. I think you need to put your foot down in a big way.

First of all, only inviting 20 of your own guests vs. his 80 guests is really unfair. It doesn''t need to be split down the middle if he has a bigger family, but you having to limit your guest list to accommodate his 30 cousins you''ve never met is ridiculous.

Secondly, it''s really ridiculous for him to tell you that you have to split the wedding costs 50/50 for a couple of reasons. One-you''re getting MARRIED so your money is his money and vice versa. I''m not saying you should just have one account (me and my fiance will continue to have separate accounts after we get married) but it''s just silly to act as if your money is separate at this point.

Two-it''s not fair to make you broke (by splitting everything 50/50) when it''s less of a hardship on him. I would think long and hard about marrying someone who wanted to make sure you paid exactly the same as him. It seems very selfish.

And the fact that the property you''re buying is being paid for mostly by your family means that if he really thinks things should be 50/50 he and his family should pay for the entire wedding and reception and honeymoon.

It also is pretty ridiculous that you''re not ''allowed'' to have who you want in your wedding party. Is he your father or your fiance?

It sounds like you have quite a lot to work out before you get married, honestly. I''m at a loss as to how you should bring this up to him because I feel like at this stage in your relationship you should really be able to talk about anything and everything. I would just sit him down and lay it all out there, see what he says and go from there. Good luck.

Sorry, but ditto.

 

[MissDimity]

Thanks for your quick responses. Just wanted an unbiased opinion if other''s thought this situation was unfair also.
Might have a talk with fiance tonight.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Honestly, I have no idea how I would approach this situation for the same reasons that thing2of2 stated above. That said, here''s one idea:

Make a spreadsheet that shows how much your family contributed to the property you two just bought:

$55,000 Miss Dimity''s Family
$10,000 Miss Dimity''s DFs Family

Wedding Costs:

$5,000 For Miss Dimity''s Family and Friends
$15,000 for Miss Dimity''s DF Family and Friends

Total Split:

Miss Dimity''s DF has contributed significantly less to the marriage than Miss Dimity and should offer to pay for the remainder of the wedding and honeymoon expenses to cover this horrible inequity.

That''s what I would do...after I beat DF over the head with our bank statements...

 

[bootsiekin]

Date: 1/26/2009 9:33:16 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 1/26/2009 9:28:22 PM

Author: thing2of2

Wow. I think you need to put your foot down in a big way.


First of all, only inviting 20 of your own guests vs. his 80 guests is really unfair. It doesn''t need to be split down the middle if he has a bigger family, but you having to limit your guest list to accommodate his 30 cousins you''ve never met is ridiculous.


Secondly, it''s really ridiculous for him to tell you that you have to split the wedding costs 50/50 for a couple of reasons. One-you''re getting MARRIED so your money is his money and vice versa. I''m not saying you should just have one account (me and my fiance will continue to have separate accounts after we get married) but it''s just silly to act as if your money is separate at this point.


Two-it''s not fair to make you broke (by splitting everything 50/50) when it''s less of a hardship on him. I would think long and hard about marrying someone who wanted to make sure you paid exactly the same as him. It seems very selfish.


And the fact that the property you''re buying is being paid for mostly by your family means that if he really thinks things should be 50/50 he and his family should pay for the entire wedding and reception and honeymoon.


It also is pretty ridiculous that you''re not ''allowed'' to have who you want in your wedding party. Is he your father or your fiance?


It sounds like you have quite a lot to work out before you get married, honestly. I''m at a loss as to how you should bring this up to him because I feel like at this stage in your relationship you should really be able to talk about anything and everything. I would just sit him down and lay it all out there, see what he says and go from there. Good luck.

Sorry, but ditto.

Thritto...

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

There are certain things that would cost the same regardless of the number of guests: photographer, ceremony venue, etc. I''m not really understanding the whole "split 50/50" with FI thing since you and your FI may be handling finances differently than my fiance and I, but if y''all are keeping money totally separate and trying to split the cost of the wedding fairly, then I would say split things like photographer, DJ, transportation and ceremony evenly, pay for your own attire and attendants'' gifts, and split the reception cost that are numbers dependent(catering, centerpieces and decorations, bar tab, linens rentals, etc) according to your guest list. More people means more tables to rent and decorate, more mouths to feed and more drinks to provide. If he''s intent on splitting the cost 50/50, then the guest list needs to be 50/50 and he can invite less people.

If he tries to say that his parents are contributing more to the wedding so he should be able to invite more people, ask him if he expects your parents to visit more often than his since they paid more for the house you live in...

Your post does sound like a red flag, but I do understand that it can be kind of daunting talking to your fiance about the money. Even though our money will be combined after the wedding, it''s still sort of separate during all this planning, and it can be awkward. I''m not used to having to answer to someone else when making money decisions, added to the fact that my fiance has no realistic knowledge of what his wedding expectations costs. "I''d like to stick to a budget and save for our future" doesn''t really jive with "open bar, definitely!" He offered to pay for the alcohol at the reception when I told him it would be the first thing to go if he was so insistent on "sticking to a budget."

While he was open to talking money, I also mentioned that he might like to pay for my bouquet (he began to protest and I threw out, "honey, you don''t want to buy me flowers on our wedding day?" with a hurt expression, hehe) and our mothers'' flowers as well. Him agreeing to pay for those things did make me breathe easier as it gave me more room within my own wedding budget. So yes, the money is all going to be joined anyway, but it sure does make it easier if he agrees to pay for a few things.


Good luck!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 1/26/2009 10:47:49 PM
Author: bootsiekin

Date: 1/26/2009 9:33:16 PM

Author: sunnyd

Date: 1/26/2009 9:28:22 PM


Author: thing2of2


Wow. I think you need to put your foot down in a big way.



First of all, only inviting 20 of your own guests vs. his 80 guests is really unfair. It doesn''t need to be split down the middle if he has a bigger family, but you having to limit your guest list to accommodate his 30 cousins you''ve never met is ridiculous.



Secondly, it''s really ridiculous for him to tell you that you have to split the wedding costs 50/50 for a couple of reasons. One-you''re getting MARRIED so your money is his money and vice versa. I''m not saying you should just have one account (me and my fiance will continue to have separate accounts after we get married) but it''s just silly to act as if your money is separate at this point.



Two-it''s not fair to make you broke (by splitting everything 50/50) when it''s less of a hardship on him. I would think long and hard about marrying someone who wanted to make sure you paid exactly the same as him. It seems very selfish.



And the fact that the property you''re buying is being paid for mostly by your family means that if he really thinks things should be 50/50 he and his family should pay for the entire wedding and reception and honeymoon.



It also is pretty ridiculous that you''re not ''allowed'' to have who you want in your wedding party. Is he your father or your fiance?



It sounds like you have quite a lot to work out before you get married, honestly. I''m at a loss as to how you should bring this up to him because I feel like at this stage in your relationship you should really be able to talk about anything and everything. I would just sit him down and lay it all out there, see what he says and go from there. Good luck.

Sorry, but ditto.

Thritto...

quaditto, I would have a talk to him ASAP

 

[KimberlyH]

I don't think the monetary gifts given should be compared, I would take that issue out of it all together. It's very generous of both your families to gift you such large amounts of money and they should be used as intended and not factored into who pays for what (i.e. I wouldn't say "My family gave us $55,000 for our property so you and your family should pay for the whole wedding and then put the difference between that and the $55,000 towards the property as that would be 'fair'").

Here's what I would do if in your shoes:

1. Reorganize the guest list to make it a bit more fair (it won't ever be 50/50, but 80/20 is way too far off keel).

2. Split the cost of those things that have nothing to do with guest numbers (DJ, photographer, transportation, ceremony location, flowers, officiant, etc.) Apply the $10,000 gift from his parents towards that cost.

3. Split the fees that are guest specific by ratio. So if your catering is per head, it's up to him to cover his guests, up to you to cover yours (iif it's $30.00 a head and he has 70 guests he'll pay $2100.00 and you will pay $900.00 for your 30 guests).

It sounds like this may very difficult to navigate given how things have gone so far. Best of luck to you.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Forgive me for sounding harsh, but my gut instincts ask "do you really want to marry that man?!?" He seems very domineering by your comments, and if he''s like that now, it''s only going to get worse after marriage. As for purchasing property with him, you''d better get a prenuptial agreement! I had a husband like that once...once!

BTW, bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own attire. It''s part of the responsibility they accept when they agree to be in your wedding. It''s a different story if say your little sister or niece are in the wedding, and you know the family can''t afford it. Then you pay for the attire as a courtesy.

 

[meresal]

I haven't had a chance to think about the family issue, other than the fact that I would be very upset as well... however, you can't change how many people are in your family, ya know? Maybe the MIL got lots of backlash from not inviting family to the wedding? Has your FI asked her why she wants everyone there at his?

I'm going to address the money aspect. The money that was given for the property should not come into factor when planning the wedding, IMO. That is a mutual purchase and if you throw "your family has given more money at him", it will surely result in a very defensive arguement from both sides. I know you want to use it, and I would to, but honestly it was given as a gift to both of you, and should be kept separate.
If you are both splitting the cost of the wedding, then the money that his parents gave you all for the wedding should be split evenly, 5K to you and 5k to him. Then you should each use that towards your own guests (you pay the per head price for your guests, and he should pay for his). I have a feeling after you sit down and show him what the costs are going to be for his side, he may be more reluctant to invite so many people. What expenses you have left over can be split accordingly. Have you both thought about the fact that after the wedding, your finances will be his finances, so if you go into to debt for having to spend the same amount of money, then that means he will have debt as well?

I think, if you have decided to split the costs, then you should definitely pay less, if you decide to have less friends there. However, NOT because you make less, or that he has more family. Those are two things that he cannot help. I don't think anyone should ever have to feel bad or put out because they have a successful career.

With all of that said, I would love to know how you all came to the conclusion of splitting the cost? To me, this just seems like it will cause issues all the way up to the wedding day.

ETA: I thought about the friend thing now... and here's my take and personal wedding invite story. My FI's is going to have tons more friends there than me, but the thing is, the friends that I really wnat to have there, are going to be there. He is still very close with lots of his fraternity brothers, and I am not close with many of my sorority sisters, I don't think it's fair for me to just invite people in order to "even the score". I cannot punish FI for having more friends than me. However, I did draw the line at some "friends" that I have never met, and he agreed that he was getting alittle greedy.
If you have all the people that mean the most to you there, and he isn't inviting aquaintances from 2 years ago that he sees every 6 months, then it shouldn't matter how many people he has. Those are his friends. If you have a problem with a few of them, then just sit down tell him which ones you don't really "see" needing to be at the wedding, and talk it over.

 

[meresal]

::Wouldn''t let me edit::

However, if you are not having peopel there that you truely care about, then it definitely needs to be addressed. CAny ou only invite a maximum number of people because of the venue? If he was able to add 80 family members then you shoudl be able to invite a few more friends.

Also, barring they haven''t done anything malicious to him that he has a legitimate reason not to want them up there, you should have whoever you want in your wedding party. THAT is ridiculous.

 

[Kelli]

I''m sorry you''re going through this, but you are getting screwed over in a big way here. Frankly I''m surprised someone''s fiance would want her to be treated this way, none the less be contributing to it. Maybe he just isn''t seeing it clearly and I think you need to lay it out for him like you did for us. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN SISTER!! This is your WEDDING, and it''s the first part of your marriage. If you are a doormat now, I fear things won''t get any better for you.

 

[swimmer]

So sorry to read this thread title, it is really good that you are going to have a conversation about this situation. Money is one of the most difficult things to talk about and yet among the most important. Hopefully you have been as open and honest with your FI as you were with us. He should know you feel dread and betrayal over the even that will make you into family...(!) Meresal had great points about what should and should not be on the table with the money thing...but you have some real emotions around your family giving money to your future home that needs to be shared.

I'm just confused about the 50/50 split thing. How exactly will that work after the wedding? You better pick paying for the bottom half of any future kids, paying for shoes and pants is spendy, but way less than food, braces, and college. Now seriously, and I might be way out of line here, but if your (family) money is funding the purchase of land, then keep your name alone on the deed.

Hugs to you lady!

 

[Lulie]

I won''t mention Prenup since she''s the one w/o $$

unless she''s got a great career ahead of her. IF the property $ comes from his side as a "gift" she gets nothing today or ever, sorry to say.
Please don''t feel bad if you are having less people than he, only 11 came to mine due to a family loss [10 y/o tragedy] I made sure their table was right next to mine as a loving gesture, I paid for them bc that''s what was due, I simply couldn''t pay for relatives I didn''t know and my parents didn''t care for. My MIL declined my parents outdoor wedding in gorgeous Pasadena for 100, bc THEY ''knew'' too many people, guess what, my DAD told her on the spot, OK you''re paying for it then...we''ll come.
You have a generous gift, too bad your fiance is a little spoiled, I like Kimberly''s idea, talk to him ASAP, if you see anger, perhaps is time to take a break, listen to your gut.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First of all, and this is very important to remember, any gift you receive -- be it cash or otherwise -- is done out of the goodness of someones heart and should not be messured against what someone else received, or what you have received from others. Everyone is able to do only what they can, and you need to be gracious when accepting a gift...regardless of what you think you're owed.

It's very wonderful that your mother and grandmother gifted you $55,000 towards your home, you're very lucky...and that is probably a lot more help than most people get from their parents. The fact that his parents "only" gave you $10,000 towards you home doesn't mean anything other than they were incredibly kind...it was incredibly generous and thoughtful and probably helped you both a lot in the purchasing of your home. And to be perfectly honest with you, comparing the two in terms of "my parents did more" makes you look extremely ungrateful.

If his parents are offering you $10,000 towards inviting a certain set of people to the wedding, and the money they are offering will cover their wishes, then what's the problem? Weddings are family affairs...and if it is important to FMIL that cousins are in attendance, then so be it. In the big picture, it isn't hurting you or anyone else...but it is a wonderful gesture. Chances are not all of the cousins will attend, and some that do come probably will not have dates...you may end up with a few dollars left over from the 10k to contribute in areas that you see fit. By declining her offer it sounds as though you will be declining the $10,000...but, at least by accepting the offer you **may** have some money left to play with. It's not as though she is trying to invite random people that she just met...these people are family...your **new** family...

And as far as her having offered your FBIL $10,000 no strings attached for his wedding...that's wonderful. But you're marrying **this son** not that one, so for whatever her reasons are (maybe she caught heat last time around...who knows) she wants her contribution to be used towards her family. Do you know if she gave her other son money towards property? If not, then she may be like many other parents who offered either cash for whatever or cash for a wedding...one son chose wedding, the other whatever.

As far as splitting a wedding 50/50...honey, whatever you spent on your big day, you're both spending it. That day you become legally bound...debt and all. So, weither you pay it now or pay it later...it's all coming from essentially the same spot.

But, like many of the other posts have pointed out, I think you need to have a serious talk with yourself to figure out if this is the type of marriage you want. If it is, then that's wonderful...but if it's not, then you have to take the steps towards creating a happier union where you're able to voice your feelings....or, well, leave.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/27/2009 8:59:06 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I don''t think the monetary gifts given should be compared, I would take that issue out of it all together. It''s very generous of both your families to gift you such large amounts of money and they should be used as intended and not factored into who pays for what (i.e. I wouldn''t say ''My family gave us $55,000 for our property so you and your family should pay for the whole wedding and then put the difference between that and the $55,000 towards the property as that would be ''fair'''').


Here''s what I would do if in your shoes:


1. Reorganize the guest list to make it a bit more fair (it won''t ever be 50/50, but 80/20 is way too far off keel).


2. Split the cost of those things that have nothing to do with guest numbers (DJ, photographer, transportation, ceremony location, flowers, officiant, etc.) Apply the $10,000 gift from his parents towards that cost.


3. Split the fees that are guest specific by ratio. So if your catering is per head, it''s up to him to cover his guests, up to you to cover yours (iif it''s $30.00 a head and he has 70 guests he''ll pay $2100.00 and you will pay $900.00 for your 30 guests).


It sounds like this may very difficult to navigate given how things have gone so far. Best of luck to you.

I agree with this. Also I think that you should have whoever you want stand up with you-he has no right to tell you which friends can and cannot. My best friend is a guy and he''s being my bridesman and there is no way D would tell me not to have him there.

 

[Porridge]

Quintditto!!

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/26/2009 8:45:44 PM
Author:MissDimity
Hi all,
I think this is my first thread post on BIW! I am a year and 1 month out from my wedding, and am starting to seriously worry about it. So far, we have only booked the ceremony/ reception venue ( which my mother paid the deposit), and as we are in the process of buying a property we have not thought about doing anything else until our property has settled.

Now my FMIL came over a week ago ( she lives in the country 5 hours away) and told my fiance that she thought we should invite all his cousins and she is willing to give us $10,000 towards the costs of us doing so. However, he has alot of cousins ( 15+) plus we would need to invite there partners, so that is an extra 30 people.

We were always expecting fiancé''s parents to give $10,000 towards our wedding but were hoping to use it towards other costs. They had also given the same amount towards fiance''s brothers wedding last October, however they didn''t ask him to invite all the cousins.

I''m feeling kinda depressed at the moment, as I only have about 10 people coming from my ENTIRE family, compared to finances 60+ (some of whom I have never met), and feeling like my family would be isolated from the rest of the people attending.
Also, because we are now inviting cousins I can only invite approx 8 of my own friends ( even though fiance is inviting about 20+ of his, however I haven''t argued as I see them quite often).

Not only am I concerned at the disproportionate amount of people coming from fiances side (80) vs my side (20). But fiance wants to split bill 50/50 with me (except wedding dress and BM''s which I am excepted to pay for). I think this is unfair, as fewer of my family and friends are attending, not only that but I earn considerably less than him.

My mother (sole parent) has already told me that she can''t give anything towards the wedding, as herself and my grandma have given $55000 towards purchasing a property. Fiance''s parents have on the other hand have given us $10000 towards a property, and are giving $10,000 towards the wedding, so as they have given less overall.

I don''t know how to approach my fiance, about splitting the overall costs of the wedding, but I don''t think it is particularly fair. I''m also thinking of foregoing BM''s as I cann''t afford the added expense, and also because I had initially wanted my male friends to act as bride''s men to which my fiance disapproved of.

Don''t now how to handle this situation. Thinking of other possibilities. Such as changing the wedding venue to a small intimate wedding overseas/ honeymoon, however we have already told some friends of the wedding date.

What to do? Please suggest???

By accepting this money, it does give them a ... say, in your big day. I am not one to compare gifts... but here is the way I would look at it. Your parents gave us 20K of which we applied 10K to the wedding. My parents gave us 55K which we decided to apply to our home.
A gift is just that... a gift. If you are having so sacrifice your guest list to accomodate 3rd and 4rth cousins that is ridiculous. I would simply say, we want to keep it a small wedding under 50 people.
Make an A list and a B list. and as for you... write down every name you can think of that you would want to attend your wedding...even people you don''t talk to... sorta padding the list a little...so when you start cutting from your list, You''ll be like, I''ve cut 30 people from my list, AND I''M THE BRIDE... can''t you give a little on yours????

I am pretty hostile looking back about the guest list, because my MIL went insane on the guest list, and to appease everyone I cut ALL MY FRIENDS. It sucked. I was at a reception full of strangers MIL FRIENDS!!!! and my family (which was 1/3 the size of his.) It was awkward, how many people I''ll never see again monopolized the Bride Time. If I had to do it over again... and maybe I can live a little through you... I would have help my guns, and make my MIL cut her friends. It actually angered my groom and he had to say, MOM this is NOT YOUR WEDDING. But I mean, I didn''t want to cause hostility between my DH and his mom... so it was a weird situation... and unfortunately, I feel like I lost.

 

[teapot]

Date: 1/27/2009 1:16:50 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First of all, and this is very important to remember, any gift you receive -- be it cash or otherwise -- is done out of the goodness of someones heart and should not be messured against what someone else received, or what you have received from others. Everyone is able to do only what they can, and you need to be gracious when accepting a gift...regardless of what you think you''re owed.


It''s very wonderful that your mother and grandmother gifted you $55,000 towards your home, you''re very lucky...and that is probably a lot more help than most people get from their parents. The fact that his parents ''only'' gave you $10,000 towards you home doesn''t mean anything other than they were incredibly kind...it was incredibly generous and thoughtful and probably helped you both a lot in the purchasing of your home. And to be perfectly honest with you, comparing the two in terms of ''my parents did more'' makes you look extremely ungrateful.


If his parents are offering you $10,000 towards inviting a certain set of people to the wedding, and the money they are offering will cover their wishes, then what''s the problem? Weddings are family affairs...and if it is important to FMIL that cousins are in attendance, then so be it. In the big picture, it isn''t hurting you or anyone else...but it is a wonderful gesture. Chances are not all of the cousins will attend, and some that do come probably will not have dates...you may end up with a few dollars left over from the 10k to contribute in areas that you see fit. By declining her offer it sounds as though you will be declining the $10,000...but, at least by accepting the offer you **may** have some money left to play with. It''s not as though she is trying to invite random people that she just met...these people are family...your **new** family...


And as far as her having offered your FBIL $10,000 no strings attached for his wedding...that''s wonderful. But you''re marrying **this son** not that one, so for whatever her reasons are (maybe she caught heat last time around...who knows) she wants her contribution to be used towards her family. Do you know if she gave her other son money towards property? If not, then she may be like many other parents who offered either cash for whatever or cash for a wedding...one son chose wedding, the other whatever.


As far as splitting a wedding 50/50...honey, whatever you spent on your big day, you''re both spending it. That day you become legally bound...debt and all. So, weither you pay it now or pay it later...it''s all coming from essentially the same spot.


But, like many of the other posts have pointed out, I think you need to have a serious talk with yourself to figure out if this is the type of marriage you want. If it is, then that''s wonderful...but if it''s not, then you have to take the steps towards creating a happier union where you''re able to voice your feelings....or, well, leave.

ditto.

When you have your talk with him, you should factor into you discussion how much you can afford. So he understands where you are coming from.

 

[sklingem]

Date: 1/27/2009 1:16:50 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First of all, and this is very important to remember, any gift you receive -- be it cash or otherwise -- is done out of the goodness of someones heart and should not be messured against what someone else received, or what you have received from others. Everyone is able to do only what they can, and you need to be gracious when accepting a gift...regardless of what you think you''re owed.


It''s very wonderful that your mother and grandmother gifted you $55,000 towards your home, you''re very lucky...and that is probably a lot more help than most people get from their parents. The fact that his parents ''only'' gave you $10,000 towards you home doesn''t mean anything other than they were incredibly kind...it was incredibly generous and thoughtful and probably helped you both a lot in the purchasing of your home. And to be perfectly honest with you, comparing the two in terms of ''my parents did more'' makes you look extremely ungrateful.


If his parents are offering you $10,000 towards inviting a certain set of people to the wedding, and the money they are offering will cover their wishes, then what''s the problem? Weddings are family affairs...and if it is important to FMIL that cousins are in attendance, then so be it. In the big picture, it isn''t hurting you or anyone else...but it is a wonderful gesture. Chances are not all of the cousins will attend, and some that do come probably will not have dates...you may end up with a few dollars left over from the 10k to contribute in areas that you see fit. By declining her offer it sounds as though you will be declining the $10,000...but, at least by accepting the offer you **may** have some money left to play with. It''s not as though she is trying to invite random people that she just met...these people are family...your **new** family...


And as far as her having offered your FBIL $10,000 no strings attached for his wedding...that''s wonderful. But you''re marrying **this son** not that one, so for whatever her reasons are (maybe she caught heat last time around...who knows) she wants her contribution to be used towards her family. Do you know if she gave her other son money towards property? If not, then she may be like many other parents who offered either cash for whatever or cash for a wedding...one son chose wedding, the other whatever.


As far as splitting a wedding 50/50...honey, whatever you spent on your big day, you''re both spending it. That day you become legally bound...debt and all. So, weither you pay it now or pay it later...it''s all coming from essentially the same spot.


But, like many of the other posts have pointed out, I think you need to have a serious talk with yourself to figure out if this is the type of marriage you want. If it is, then that''s wonderful...but if it''s not, then you have to take the steps towards creating a happier union where you''re able to voice your feelings....or, well, leave.

Thank you !!! for this very good posting.
R.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I do not believe the original poster ever said that the in-laws "only" gave 10,000 dollars toward their home, and adding that word implies an ungrateful tone that may or may not have been in her post. She was putting it into context and explaining that while his parents have given more money towards the wedding than her family, that does not mean that they have necessarily given more overall, which is something her fiance might bring up ("my parents gave us 10000 dollars, so my share of the wedding is covered and it's totally okay that I have four times as many people there").

I do believe that 80 to 20 is a very weird ratio, and while the in-laws are perfectly justified in asking that their huge family be invited with the money they have given, the bride should not have to "cut" her own guest list to accomodate the relatives whom she has never met. If they happen to have more people, then that's how it works out, but it shouldn't be at the expense of the bride's guest list, especially if the fiance is insisting that they "split it 50/50" - whatever that means for a couple about to be married.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Agree with the others - you need to sit your FI down and discuss the inequity of this situation in black and white - it seems very unfair and unbalanced.

 

[booswim542]

OK. I completely agree with you that this seems unbalanced, and I can see where your stress is coming from. But I want to play Devil''s advocate in a couple of ways.

1) Your wedding day is about getting married. If you have $10,000 dollars to work with, that''s amazing and you are going to have one heck of a party. Really $10,000 is a lot of money and it can go a long way! There are a lot of people on here who are working with so much less money and everything is really going to work out fine!

2) Secondly, you should be happy and be glad that you each have family who want to see you get married and be there to share the moment. If your FI has so many more people who are truly important and want to be there to celebrate, don''t begrudge them of that!

Just keep the big picture in mind - your families have been so generous giving everything they can. You really do have a lot of money to work with for the day. Your wedding day is about being married - certificate in the city hall or big party - same thing! Enjoy each other, your close family and friends, and don''t worry about all the details!

 

[sklingem]

I still don''t get the 50/50 splitting thing. You are getting married and will have (I assume) joint finances. So it is not "your money vs. my money" anymore!? In addition, even if you are inviting 30 additional people, that would probably cost you another $3K max and leave you with $7K, which represents "some of the money", correct?
R.

 

[galvana]

Date: 1/27/2009 4:46:27 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
Agree with the others - you need to sit your FI down and discuss the inequity of this situation in black and white - it seems very unfair and unbalanced.

agree with above, forgive me also for sounding harsh but are you sure this is the type of man you want to agree to spend the rest of your life with? you are not "allowed" to have who you want in your wedding party??????
what???