Drastic weight loss and relationships

[allycat0303]

Hi everyone,

So I need some perspective, and not just *politically correct responses*

My BIL is morbidly obese, he has weighed over 600 pounds for most of his adult life.

He has always been single, until 3 years ago, when he met a girl and started dating. He is 34 years old. It''s difficult for me to describe S. and BIL''s relationship. She is a girl that FIL detested (and hoped on his deathbed, that they wouldn''t marry). She screams, and yells a lot. At places that include my FIL''s wake and at my wedding.

She delights in hitting people and hurting people, because she is physically very imposing. An example of the interaction with her, yesterday morning, my husband called BIL to ask if BIL would like to play a video game online together. S. picked up the extension and SCREAMED at my husband that there would be "No f&%$#%* playing this morning" This is quite a typical interaction with her. My husband just politely said he had to go. A few weeks ago at a family dinner, she took her purse and swung it at BIL''s head (at the DINNER table). I don''t know if it is because of her behavior, or everything else combined, but she is a very UNATTRACTIVE girl.

That all being said, my BIL is scheduled to undergo gastric bypass surgery in May!! This is something he has been waiting for his whole life. BIL is an attractive man. He is a good person, good values, good morals, good job. However, for his entire life girls have NEVER been able to look past the weight.

S is now putting ALL sorts of pressure for BIL to buy a house and propose immediately. BIL is caving to the pressure and has borrowed out against his retirement to try and buy a house they can''t afford to make her happy. He is holding out against marriage though, insisting he wants to be at a better weight before proposing.

So this is the politically incorrect part. The family (and me) feel that when he loses weight, there is good chances he will re-evaluate his relationship. I think it''s inevitable. If you suddenly go from being morbidly obese to being a normal size, and MORE attractive to the opposite sex, wouldn''t this change? BIL has always felt like he didn''t have any options because of his weight.

What do you think? What effect does a drastic weight loss cause on a relationship? Are we wrong in thinking he should hold out a bit, make only 1 life altering decision at the time?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Hi Ally,
What a tough situation! Is BIL undergoing any sort of counseling as part of his GB prep? I know sometimes people are required to go through a course prior to surgery. I'm wondering what his counselor would say about all of these life-changing decisions he's making and does he have the coping skills to handle feeling overwhelmed should it come to that? Ultimately he's a grown man and will make his own decisions, but I can see why you're concerned about the situation. My biggest concern is his gf. She sounds abusive and he's in a position where he's easily manipulatable (lacks self confidence, good body image, self worth, etc). Most of the time people's identities are pretty ingrained by adulthood, so I don't think the surgery is going to make him a new person. I think he's always going to have the same hang ups and fears. While it's easy for an average person to say, "oh, he'll reconsider when he sees he's more attractive to people," for him that might not change. he might always have a negative body image, which will carry over into the choices he makes for partners and feeling like he has to settle because that's the only person he can get.

I'm surprised the family is tolerating her behavior quite honestly. I know they've been pretty opinionated where your relationship is concerned.

 

[tlh]

I think that once he starts to lose the weight, he may start to gain confidence - and realize that he doesn''t have to put up with someone that treats him in such a dispicable way. This could come at any size... but it comes from within. I think that is the elephant in the room, not your BILs weight - but the fact that he is seeing someone who is emotionally and physically abusive.

I did want to say that she may not take too kindly to his weight loss. Not all those that receive gastric bipass lose the weight. I work with 2 ladies that got gastric bipass at the same time. They both weighed close to 400 pounds to start. One is now about 100 pounds, the other, around 250. Both are now able to do things they never dreamed before, and both are happy. The 100 pound lady found her husband was an emotionally abusive jerk - and after she lost the weight - started feeling confident - at home and work. She filed for divorce- because she found that she deserved better than his abuse. The lady that still weighs 250, didn''t really modify her diet. Her spouse and family are also obese and her husband got the surgery a year after she did... but the environment of being around unsupportive people made her eat not like she should...and she restretched her stomach. Her family didn''t think they were unsupportive - they just didnt comprehend how to modify meals etc for her.. and she wasn''t over the emotional eating that got her to the 400 pounds. She also got kinda jealous of the 100 pound girl''s results - and also her husband , who is now around 200 pounds. And because he is thinner he can play football, baseball, basketball - etc. All the things he WANTED to do heavy but couldn''t. She gets a little jealous that he spends so much time playing sports - but still supports him - because in the end - it makes him happy.

I also know a couple that was very thin when they started dating - and they got fat together. She gained 50 pounds, he gained almost 100. Well one day, looking at some photos - the husband said WOW I AM FAT. So he bought an ellyptical so that the wife could also exercise (bad knees). He started measuring out his food, counting calories, saying no to seconds, eatting healthier food. She made fun of him for dieting. He tried to get her to be healthy with him, inviting her to take walks after dinner - but she fought it. Well he''s lost 50 pounds and is running 5ks! She is still stubborn, and makes homemade cheesecakes to throw him off his diet. I think she was comfortable being big- and with her husband losing the weight - she would be the fat one.

My point with these stories is that - it is about the support of friends and family. Be as supportive of your BIL as you can. Sometimes the support or lack there of, is just because they don''t know how to be supportive - bt it isn''t lack of love. Sometimes it is jealousy of the results. And sometimes, they''ll realize that their partner, someone they thought was so wonderful for *loving them at their largest size* they realize, actually the person was a big jerk, and they deserve better, and DESERVED BETTER THEN TOO.

I wish your BIL all the success with his surgery and recovery. I would tell him (or your hubs) to put off buying a house - because of all the maintenence and care it takes, and he should focus on recovery. Play up that he doesn''t want girlfriend to do all the work, because that isn''t fair for her to tend a house AND his health too... or something. But I agree... his marrying or buying a house with her is a disaster. He deserves a whole lot more.

((HUGS))

 

[Prana]

I have no experience to add, but just want to echo what the others have said. Hopefully your family will be a large enough support system for your BIL, as his GF definitely will not, and probably will try to sabatoge his success any chance she gets. I hope that he is able to open his eyes and RUN the other direction!

 

[Haven]

This is a tough one.

I imagine that if your BIL is with S for less than ideal reasons (e.g. he doesn''t think he could find anyone else, he doesn''t believe he''s good enough for anyone else) then yes, I believe that his weight loss will absolutely prompt him to reevaluate their relationship. If, however, he truly is with her because he cares for her and loves her, then I think you are all stuck with her.

Based on your description of S, though, I''m going to go out on a limb and say that your BIL deserves better, and I hope something makes him realize that, weight loss or not.

 

[trillionaire]

I hope that your BIL gains the confidence to walk away from what sounds like a verbally and physically abusive relationship, but please be well aware that people who have been obese for a long time are mentally conditioned to process the world from that perspective, and that doesn''t change easily or quickly... usually it takes counselling. I would be surprised if the gastric-bypass process didn''t include this kind of counselling... at any rate, if he isn''t getting counselling, now would be as good a time as any... and please convince him not to sign a mortgage with this woman... clean breaks are easier.

Hoping for the best for your BIL...

 

[pinki]

It can make a very big change in one''s relationship. My aunt had been obese her entire life and I can''t ever remember her having a boyfriend, or even go on dates for that matter. She had very few friends and spent most of her time in her home doing crafts and reading. 3 years ago she has bypass surgery and lost over 300lbs. The change in her is more than physical. My large, quiet, introverted aunt is now a teeny size 4 who is extremely social, she has friends for the first time - is in various athletic leagues, and has been actively dating for the last 2 years. Her whole outlook on life is so significantly different and positive and the changes have been amazing.

It sounds like your BIL''s girl knows he lacks confidence and self esteem and she''s taking advantage of his good nature. Once he takes the steps to lose the weight major changes will happen internally as well and I pray he gains that confidence to stand up for himself and kick her to the curb.

 

[BeachRunner]

I think it''s human nature to want a mate. It sounds like your BIL settled for this girl. And, it sounds like his gf enjoys being in control. She KNOWS she has control over the situation.

I do think that gf may have a problem with your BIL''s weight loss. She just sounds like an unstable person, and will have issues with your BIL''s drastic changes.

Psychologically, studies have shown that you are attracted to your own level of attractiveness. With that being said, once your BIL''s loses some weight, he may gain confidence, and find himself getting more attention from more attractive girls.

And commenting on your BIL proposing to his gf. It doesn''t sound like his girl would be a healthy match for anyone, and don''t blame you or your family for wanting your BIL to wait it out.

Congrats to your BIL!

 

[PrincessPeach]

Has your BIL gone for any counseling? I''m a huge fan of counseling myself ...and am wondering if he spoke to a mental health professional before making the decision to undergo bypass surgery. If not, I would suggest it to him, which might help him to re-evaluate many things...including his current relationship, and as to why he''s even with someone who projects and abusive behavior. There might be some underlying issues here...I''m not a psychologist, just speaking from experience!

 

[allycat0303]

I have had this crazy week, so I didn''t get to read the responses until today.

I''ve never thought of her as being actually abusive. I don''t know, I think of her as excessively crude and tomboy (maybe because it''s difficult for me to think of a woman as being abusive.)The family is just happy that he has SOMEONE. He always wanted to be in a relationship, was so welcoming to her when she arrived. She has worn that welcome down. Now they all feel kind of awful because they feel like they are being *superficial*, me included for thinking he could do better in the future. I think he WOULD have a lot of confidence start to approach girls he found interesting.

I think many of you are right about *support/sabotage/jealousy* She continually bakes cookies, cakes, etc and berates him for not eating them. And I''ve watched her at family dinners, and she NEVER eats any of her own sweets. Really, I kind of wonder if she isn''t helping things along. AND I think she is really trying to tie him down. They JUST moved into this apartment last summer, AND he needs to take out his retirement for the down payment. It just doesn''t make sense on so many levels.

Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences. I actually don''t know much about gastric bypass/banding, although I did think it was *impossible* to gain the weight back. I think BIL will have a hard time keeping the weight off even if he does have the surgery. In all honesty, he hasn''t really gotten control of his eating habits. Since he''s been on the waiting list for the surgery, he''s let himself go, saying that it is a *year mourning period* and has gained 40-50 pounds. So maybe this surgery wouldn''t even work. Which is depressing to think about, considering he''s put on even more weight in the belief that this surgery would make it *impossible* for him to gain back the weight.

 

[elrohwen]

Sometimes the people who go out with those who are morbidly obese do so because they sense that they can control the obese person and treat them badly. It can turn into an abusive (or semi-abusive) relationship and the obese person doesn''t have the self-confidence to get out of it. It''s sad, but I think there is a portion of the population who like overweight people simply for this reason - they want someone they can easily push around.

It sounds like this girl is not healthy for your BIL and I hope he''s able to see that. I think losing weight may help his self-esteem to the point where he realizes he doesn''t need to put up with someone like her.

 

[Liane]

I agree with much of what''s been said but just wanted to highlight this part:

Date: 2/13/2010 7:29:35 AM
Author: allycat0303

I actually don''t know much about gastric bypass/banding, although I did think it was *impossible* to gain the weight back. I think BIL will have a hard time keeping the weight off even if he does have the surgery. In all honesty, he hasn''t really gotten control of his eating habits. Since he''s been on the waiting list for the surgery, he''s let himself go, saying that it is a *year mourning period* and has gained 40-50 pounds. So maybe this surgery wouldn''t even work. Which is depressing to think about, considering he''s put on even more weight in the belief that this surgery would make it *impossible* for him to gain back the weight.

This is a big ol'' red flag to me. It is absolutely possible to regain the weight by re-stretching one''s stomach out. Emotional eaters who have psychological triggers often have the worst outcomes with this surgery because they haven''t gotten a handle on the cues that made them overeat so excessively in the first place.

Any decent practice will have plenty of counseling to help patients avoid repeating the mistakes that got them into that position in the first place, but I''ve read studies where a third or more of patients rebounded back up to unhealthy weight within a few short years after gastric bypass or banding. It''s a powerful tool, but it can''t do the whole job alone.

 

[oddoneout]

I agree with others who say he''s settling for this girl. I think he should kick her to the curb no matter what weight he is. She''s toxic.

 

[Erin]

Saw this article today:

Identifying and Addressing Saboteurs
You''ve identified your weight-loss goals. You''ve declared them to others. You''ve talked the talk, and now you''re walking the walk by exercising regularly and making healthy changes to your diet. Your efforts are starting pay off — you''ve lost some pounds, feel energized, and are committed to staying the course.

Why then, does your loved one not seem as excited about your self-improvement as you? Maybe he or she is always trying to persuade you to skip a workout or always suggests pizza when it''s his or her turn to cook. Is your partner subtly sabotaging you on your journey to total health?

If you feel this might be the case, ask yourself why. It doesn''t mean that the person doesn''t care about you. It could be that he or she is feeling insecure and threatened at the prospect of your transformation for the better. Your partner might be worried that if you lose weight and get healthy, you''ll leave and find someone better. More likely than not, this person has no idea that he or she is undermining your resolve. Sit down together and assure him or her of your love and then talk about what''s going on. Give examples of behavior he or she''s exhibited that has sabotaged you in the past. Keep reassuring this person of his or her value and importance in your life.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I''d urge your brother to take things slow and steady, not so much because of the weight loss, but because this gal seems like bad news. I think ultimately he needs to realize that he doesn''t want to be with her, no matter what weight he is.

I think the weight loss will open up possibilities for your brother. Potentially in terms of what he wants and is able to do (active sports, socializing,etc.), but also in his attractiveness level and most important in his self-confidence. It is natural for his partner to feel threatened by the changes that will likely occur.

I second the counseling or support group suggestions. The girlfriend should be involved in this process and supportive. If she''s not, then that helps make the case against her, you know? Hopefully your brother will reach all of these conclusions on his own.

 

[RaiKai]

He should definitely be in counselling and therapy. Not just to address the issues that are going to arise with such a dramatic weight loss and redefining how he views himself, but also to deal with the very apparent relationship issues that he has - in particular whatever patterns he is stuck in with this woman.

Often, when someone loses a dramatic amount of weight they do leave past relationships. This is often as the person they were while overweight or obese was involved in a self-hate cycle that had them make different relationship choices then they do once they break past that. It''s not unusual at all, and it would not be SURPRISING if his relationship with this woman ended, however it is no guarantee either. If he is stuck in the cycle with her, it might be very hard for him to break out of it.

This woman sounds manipulative and controlling - and sorry but swinging objects at someone''s head and delighting in hitting IS abuse. Women can be abusers too. And, it sounds like she enjoys feeling a bit of "control" over him and fears losing that if he loses the weight, hence trying to "pin him down".

I really encourage you to support your brother in his weight loss, and if you are close, encourage him to see a therapist. Really, that can be the best gift he can give himself and it will lead to a lot of other positive (though difficult) changes in his life.

 

[asscherisme]

She sounds toxic. Hopefully he will realize that before he marries her.

I hope she does not try and sabatage his weight loss. Is she overweight as well?

 

[honey22]

I know of people that have had the GB surgery, and it is pretty much impossible to gain the weight back unless you have problems and have liquid taken out of the band (the more liquid the tighter the band and the smaller the stomach) or you have the band removed totally.

If you eat too much food your stomach literally cannot handle it and you bring it back up. When the band is causing irritation, my friend has gone for days without food, living on just water.

It''s a major step and I applaud him for taking it. You will be shocked and amazed at the changes you will see in him over the next few months. He will be like another person and when he starts loving and appreciating himself, I doubt the woman will still be in his life.