Does marital satisfaction really go down after having a baby?

[Sha]

I've always read that marital satisfaction tends to go down in the first year after having a baby, only to rebound a few years later. Do/did you find this to be the case in your own relationship?

I found the first few months to be very tough, especially going from being a very active, independent person to having my whole schedule revolve around my little one, even for simple things like going to the bathroom, having breakfast, or sending an email. It was a lot more exhausting than I thought it would be. Especially after night upon night of not getting any sleep.

Now that it's been 5 months and things have settled down, I feel a lot better. A lot more like myself. I'm finally getting sleep and getting opportunities to dress up and go out and reconnect with my hubby. On top of that, we're really enjoying our daughter. There are still sacrifices - time is still very limited, sleeping in and sleeping for 8 -hour stretches are still unheard of, going out is very restricted, and so are the finances! etc, but overall, I think I'm now feeling happier than I did before we had our baby. I feel like our marital/life satisfaction has gone up now, even with the sacrifices. I don't know if this is just a fleeting phase, though (didn't someone say that 5-6 months is the 'honeymoon' baby phase?), that will pass once toddlerhood comes and life gets crazy again.

What's been your experience?

 

[lknvrb4]

I can honestly say having a baby with my husband brought even more satisfaction to the marriage. He stayed home with me for a week after we had our son and it was one of the best weeks of my life. My husband is such a hands on father and to this day still puts our son to bed every night, it''s their thing. With my two previous children my ex husband was not helpful and I felt it lead to marital separation.

 

[Laila619]

Unfortunately, from what I have seen and heard in my friends' marriages, yes this is generally true.

These are couples that basically haven't had sex since they conceived. We're talking months or years. They bicker and are constantly exhausted and don't have much to give to one another. Everything is about the baby. It's like they cease to be lovers and are now just mom and dad. While I'm absolutely thrilled to be expecting, I'm not looking forward to DH's and my relationship suffering. I think it takes a lot of work to not neglect your spouse and marriage once the kid is born.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:16:52 AM
Author: Laila619
Unfortunately, from what I have seen and heard in my friends'' marriages, yes this is generally true.

These are couples that basically haven''t had sex since they conceived. We''re talking months or years. They bicker and are constantly exhausted and don''t have much to give to one another. Everything is about the baby. It''s like they cease to be lovers and are now just mom and dad. While I''m absolutely thrilled to be expecting, I''m not looking forward to DH''s and my relationship suffering.

Laila, don''t you think this type of behavior is controllable, though? It seems like you think your relationship is going to suffer with your DH, and there''s nothing you can do to stop it! I don''t have children yet, but I certainly don''t think everyone''s relationship suffers!

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:09:06 AM
Author: lknvrb4
I can honestly say having a baby with my husband brought even more satisfaction to the marriage. He stayed home with me for a week after we had our son and it was one of the best weeks of my life. My husband is such a hands on father and to this day still puts our son to bed every night, it''s their thing. With my two previous children my ex husband was not helpful and I felt it lead to marital separation.

Ditto this. My husband is a very involved father, and I think that being parents together made our relationship stronger.

If anything interferes with our relationship, it''s the crazy hours that his career demands, but that''s a topic for another thread

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:21:15 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/7/2010 10:16:52 AM
Author: Laila619
Unfortunately, from what I have seen and heard in my friends' marriages, yes this is generally true.

These are couples that basically haven't had sex since they conceived. We're talking months or years. They bicker and are constantly exhausted and don't have much to give to one another. Everything is about the baby. It's like they cease to be lovers and are now just mom and dad. While I'm absolutely thrilled to be expecting, I'm not looking forward to DH's and my relationship suffering.

Laila, don't you think this type of behavior is controllable, though? It seems like you think your relationship is going to suffer with your DH, and there's nothing you can do to stop it! I don't have children yet, but I certainly don't think everyone's relationship suffers!

True, but it seems like if it happens to most couples, despite our best efforts my DH and I might end up the same way. Also, people keep warning me (almost gleefully!?) that when the baby comes, the newlywed phase will be over. It's like, great, thanks for letting me know, lol.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:21:15 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/7/2010 10:16:52 AM

Author: Laila619

Unfortunately, from what I have seen and heard in my friends' marriages, yes this is generally true.

These are couples that basically haven't had sex since they conceived. We're talking months or years. They bicker and are constantly exhausted and don't have much to give to one another. Everything is about the baby. It's like they cease to be lovers and are now just mom and dad. While I'm absolutely thrilled to be expecting, I'm not looking forward to DH's and my relationship suffering.

Laila, don't you think this type of behavior is controllable, though? It seems like you think your relationship is going to suffer with your DH, and there's nothing you can do to stop it! I don't have children yet, but I certainly don't think everyone's relationship suffers!

Yes, ditto this.

I also do not have children yet, however, being in my 30's, I certainly have lots of peers who have had children by this point. While I HAVE seen couples who did have huge relationship problems following the birth of their children - these problems were there before in their communication or other issues - they were just brought more to the forefront when the added stress of children came along. They do fall into habits of seeing one another primarily as the role of a parent (and calling one another mom and dad) and so forth, as there is a whole lot of fear, resentment and anger or whatever else there that makes it easier to interact that way, rather than on a level that may require them to be more responsible for their own actions or feelings or to be honest with one another. I have seen for example parents who go to the level of using even their young children as the "voice" for their own dissatisfaction which to me is a major, major "no-no".

I do note many of these couples though tend to be those who really have a lot of issues other than difficulties once children come along. For example, they tend to have married believing in the romantic fairytale that marriage would fix their problems with partner or self or their own insecurities, or they have a tendency to play the victim in life, or lack self-awareness and responsibility for their own feelings and actions and so on. Or, they just have horrible communication skills and they don't TALK to their partners. Instead they sabotage them and engage in these power struggles. I honestly tend not to have many friends like this these days, but I did see this quite a bit when I was younger amongst some of my younger peers.

Honestly, if they have not had sex for months or years, are constantly bickering and have little to give one another - I wonder what they are still doing together? It certainly cannot be for the benefit of the children?

On the other hand, I have seen MANY couples who had strong and healthy relationships beforehand continue to have strong and healthy relationships after....and certainly have not stopped seeing one another as their romantic partner. Yes, it can be stressful to have sleepless nights or the multitude of things that comes along even with a healthy baby, but it is certainly not impossible. I am a firm believer that part of being a healthy parent to your child is also continuing to have a healthy relationship with your partner that is independent of the child too. It is not always easy to put the work into make that happen if you are exhausted, but it certainly CAN be done.

I note couples who manage this tend to have very strong relationships, tend to often be a bit older, or married a bit later, tend to be pretty secure and confident people to begin with, and so on. And tend to have a very generous sense of humour towards life and all it brings. They may be exhausted and tired, but together they can also laugh about it and enjoy it for what it is.

Note I do not say this in anyway saying younger couples DO NOT have this...this is just the trend I have noted in my own personal life. I also don't think it is automatic that older couples DO manage to maintain a strong relationship. My sister in law (who is 33) recently had her first baby with her boyfriend and they already appear to be enacting one long power-struggle. Granted, the baby was not planned and they had not been together long at the time, but I feel tense just visiting them as the tension is definitely there. They already refer to each other as mom and dad and get into these mini power struggles even in front of others. However, those things were definitely there BEFORE baby came along and there were some big issues. They are just more common now!

Like I said, DH and I do not have children yet, however, we have discussed having them many times and both emphasize that our relationship to one another remains a priority. I also firmly believe that he is going to be an absolutely amazing father (I dub him the baby whisperer as he manages to capture the gaze of even the youngest babies - he's a natural!) and very involved as a parent (indeed wants to be the stay at home parent) which will only strengthen our union (and the reverse too!). Of course, I realize too this is all anecdotal as I do NOT have kids yet, but, I do not believe it is inevitable that the relationship must suffer when children enter into it.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Coming from someone who is in one of those situations where there''s been no sessy time since conception I disagree with whomever said or implied it was a death sentence to the relationship. There are many many valid reasons for why couples choose not to be intimate while pregnant. For us it was hormonal mood swings, being exhausted all the time and DH''s 60 hour work weeks. Honestly neither of us have had much of a drive up until recently.

But that doesn''t mean there was no intimacy for those few months. We''re just as affectionate and loving towards each other now as we were before we got pregnant and before we got married. Sure, the hormones don''t always make it easy, but we make it work. And I will admit, it''s not easy to jump start things when there''s been a long dry spell. It''s funny, but romance and a bit of wooing on both sides is definitely required. A bottle of wine would be even better, but well, that''s not happening right now.

Marriage, any marriage, with children or not, takes work at all stages. Yes we can blissfully talk about how marriage should be easy and effortless, but it does take work on both sides to ensure that each person is emotionally and physically satisfied and feeling like an active participant. it could just be a hug and asking how the other person''s day was or changing a diaper without being asked. it doesn''t have to be roses, a romantic meal and a trip to pound town.

It''s when people forget this mutual effort that the marriage starts to hit bumps in the road.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:31:04 AM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/7/2010 10:21:15 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/7/2010 10:16:52 AM
Author: Laila619
Unfortunately, from what I have seen and heard in my friends'' marriages, yes this is generally true.

These are couples that basically haven''t had sex since they conceived. We''re talking months or years. They bicker and are constantly exhausted and don''t have much to give to one another. Everything is about the baby. It''s like they cease to be lovers and are now just mom and dad. While I''m absolutely thrilled to be expecting, I''m not looking forward to DH''s and my relationship suffering.

Laila, don''t you think this type of behavior is controllable, though? It seems like you think your relationship is going to suffer with your DH, and there''s nothing you can do to stop it! I don''t have children yet, but I certainly don''t think everyone''s relationship suffers!

True, but it seems like if it happens to most couples, despite our best efforts my DH and I might end up the same way. Also, people keep warning me (almost gleefully!?) that when the baby comes, the newlywed phase will be over. It''s like, great, thanks for letting me know, lol.

I guess in my mind, I''m kind of equating this situation with getting married recently; it seemed that already-married people (more specifically long-term married folks) only had negative things to say about marriage. Could I let this scare me? Of course. But, and maybe this is me being naive, I don''t believe this will have to be me and my husband in 10, 30, 50+ years. I think marriage, and child-raising, (and life in general) is what you make it, KWIM?

Yes, marriage will be really tough sometimes, yes, child raising will be really tough sometimes, but I don''t think it has to be the end of your loving relationship with your husband. Certainly the passion will ebb and flow over the years that you are married, and there may be more "ebbing" than "flowing" in your child raising years, but I still think it can be a good time in your marriage. Of course things are going to change a lot by having a new little one that your world revolves around, but the point of marrying someone is to grow and change with them, right?

I didn''t mean to single you out, Laila, it''s just something I''ve really been thinking about recently, because of the types of comments I mentioned above.

And who knows, I don''t have any children yet, it may be the end of my sanity when I do!

 

[AmberWaves]

Sha, you know I recently confessed to being a bad wife, but it appears my case was more my own expectations rather than my husband demanding things of me. I'm one of those "no sex since conception" Laila mentioned, but that is not for lack of desire! No, it's more that I was a freak in the first tri, worried so much that something would get knocked loose (ha, stupid), then in second tri, I got morning sickness for a few weeks, and then DH could feel the baby and was creeped out by it, THEN in 3rd tri I was huuuuuge, and it simply wasn't feasible, we tried. I then had a c-section after pushing for a few hours, so both the incision and my lower bits were sore. Finally, after getting the go-ahead from the doc, I was put on the mini pill (for breastfeeding moms) which has made me have a period twice a pack of pills (28 day packs), bad ones. So yeah, as much as I want to, I feel disgusting, and having a period more weeks than not along with trying to figure out how to manage time well with a 5 month old and well... yeah, time is flying.

I expected more of myself, cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby along with working full time WITH my baby- in an office. I then realized, who else does this? Who else can go to work with their infant, work all day as a mother and employee, then manage to go home and cook, and clean, and do laundry every day? It's not the norm, by far. So then I thought about it- we're a partnership, my husband and I. My work (outside the office) is OUR work. It benefits us both. Our problem was never bickering, or falling out of love, luckily. Having our daughter has made us fall even deeper if possible, especially since he stayed with me in the hospital that first week, then three more weeks after that. Our problem is, our family comes before anything else now. Including friends and family. Including cooking and cleaning. We prefer to just get on the bed together, and just snuggle. To me, that's bliss.

For us, having our daughter has brought us a new joy we never knew existed! Everything in our lives is made better because of her. I think it helps that pre-baby we were super close and lovey all the time, and were always together. Now that she's here and we still spend so much time together, it's not something to have to get used to, a supposed "loss of personal space/time".

ETA: We have been together for 7 years, living together 6 of those, married 3 after knowing each other for 13 years.

 

[fieryred33143]

It was no secret that our relationship suffered after DD arrived. The main two causes were lack of communication and no boundaries with his mother.

We were together for 7 years before DD arrived and had always been in-sync. We hardly argued and we agreed on everything. Things were effortless. BUT our lives consisted of work and hanging out. Our lives were easy so our relationship was easy-breezy. We never had challenges to face or overcome. We just went with the flow.

Then DD came along and turned everything upside down. Our ability to communicate with each other effectively came into question and we failed miserably. It took a long time (4 months) to finally realize that we needed to communicate with one another.

I hate to say this because it sounds kind of mean but we needed this. We needed a total breakdown in communication in order to bring out the flaws we both had. We just accepted things as it was before. The whole experience brought out so many issues that were buried because everything else was wonderful.

I feel a lot more connected to him now than I did before. We still have some issues we are working through (which is why we have a hold on wedding/marriage plans) but I feel like we both grew up and are moving in a really positive direction.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:57:06 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/7/2010 10:31:04 AM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/7/2010 10:21:15 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/7/2010 10:16:52 AM
Author: Laila619
Unfortunately, from what I have seen and heard in my friends' marriages, yes this is generally true.

These are couples that basically haven't had sex since they conceived. We're talking months or years. They bicker and are constantly exhausted and don't have much to give to one another. Everything is about the baby. It's like they cease to be lovers and are now just mom and dad. While I'm absolutely thrilled to be expecting, I'm not looking forward to DH's and my relationship suffering.

Laila, don't you think this type of behavior is controllable, though? It seems like you think your relationship is going to suffer with your DH, and there's nothing you can do to stop it! I don't have children yet, but I certainly don't think everyone's relationship suffers!

True, but it seems like if it happens to most couples, despite our best efforts my DH and I might end up the same way. Also, people keep warning me (almost gleefully!?) that when the baby comes, the newlywed phase will be over. It's like, great, thanks for letting me know, lol.

I guess in my mind, I'm kind of equating this situation with getting married recently; it seemed that already-married people (more specifically long-term married folks) only had negative things to say about marriage. Could I let this scare me? Of course. But, and maybe this is me being naive, I don't believe this will have to be me and my husband in 10, 30, 50+ years. I think marriage, and child-raising, (and life in general) is what you make it, KWIM?

Yes, marriage will be really tough sometimes, yes, child raising will be really tough sometimes, but I don't think it has to be the end of your loving relationship with your husband. Certainly the passion will ebb and flow over the years that you are married, and there may be more 'ebbing' than 'flowing' in your child raising years, but I still think it can be a good time in your marriage. Of course things are going to change a lot by having a new little one that your world revolves around, but the point of marrying someone is to grow and change with them, right?

I didn't mean to single you out, Laila, it's just something I've really been thinking about recently, because of the types of comments I mentioned above.

And who knows, I don't have any children yet, it may be the end of my sanity when I do!

lily, yeah, what's up with that? The same exact thing happened to me...people would say, "oh you may be blissfully happy now, but just wait a few years." What the heck?

My DH and I have been married for 1.5 years and are still as happy as the day we got married. I don't think that will change anytime soon. So I guess it is what you make of it, and what you put into it.

I'm also of the mindset that kids are happy when their parents are happy. There's no benefit in neglecting the marriage for the kids.

 

[somethingshiny]

JT''s first year was likely the hardest of our marriage. We had been trying a long time to have children. I was head over heels in love with the baby and all-consumed. I didn''t pay as much attention to DH because I had other responsibilities that didn''t revolve around being DH''s playmate and making him happy. He did NOT take to this well. He became jealous of our son''s time with me and DH started to freak out over every little thing. He was unprepared for the changes that had to come around. We were both surprised when it happened.

Several months passed by and DH got better with everything. Then he started in this Madonna complex. I was now the mother of his child, not the sex pot. This was difficult for both of us. Eventually that worked itself out.

Most of the change and acceptance was put on DH. Most of my motherly duties I wasn''t willing to compromise on. As JT got into toddlerhood, I focused on my marriage once more. DH knows that I can be "mama" all day and a sex pot at night and still a playmate for him. He just has to wait his turn. With the coming baby, I know some things will change again, although I expect DH will get along easier with the changes and I''ll make a conscious effort not to put our marriage on the back burner.

We have a better marriage now that at any point over the last 10+yrs. Working through the rough spots really invigorates and strengthens marriage.

 

[Lilac]

I've heard this a lot - "just wait until you have kids - see how happy you are then!" from other people. But I truly think it's what you make of it and how much effort you put into making sure that *doesn't* happen.

When DH and I started dating, he was so overly and wonderfully romantic and we were blissfully happy. Head over heels in love. People told me it wouldn't last... "you're so young now - just wait until the honeymoon stage is over, you won't be so crazy for each other anymore!" Years went on, he stayed just as romantic and sweet and kind as ever, I kept putting in all the effort I could to make him feel loved and cared for as well, and our relationship continued to grow. After 6 months, a year, two years, three years we were just as happy as ever.

We got engaged around year 4 - people said "just wait until you get married, you'll see - he won't be so romantic anymore, you won't do things for him anymore, you guys won't be as happy anymore!" We were told to "enjoy it while it lasts" because when people get married they stop trying as hard and romance goes away etc, etc. Throughout our engagement, we stayed just as happy as ever.

Then we got married. We were told "enjoy the first couple weeks and months, because it's all downhill from there!". It's been a year and 3 months so far (not that that's *such* a long time, but people told us we would've moved on to the "less happy" phase by now!) and we are still happier than ever. After almost 6 years together, we still write each other little love notes, give hugs and kisses for no reason at all, say "I love you" all the time, surprise each other with romantic dinners or even just little surprises like a cookie or ice cream. DH does little things all the time that let me know how much he loves me, and I try my best to do the same for him. People seem very surprised when I tell them it's been almost 6 years together and we're still just as happy as we were on day 1.

I've been waiting for almost 6 years to reach this point everyone talks about where it starts to go downhill, but DH and I haven't reached that yet. My mom has a cousin who has a very similar story to DH and me - they met when they were 16, got married a couple years later, and have now been married 40 years. They still celebrate every anniversary (dating, the first time they kissed, the first time they said I love you, engagement anniversary, wedding anniversary), they still surprise each other with flowers, dinner, love notes, they still get up and start dancing together when a song comes on that is special to them. They have several children, but they are more in love than ever after 40 years of marriage. They are my role models when it comes to marriage - I think many people can say that love and affection goes downhill after marriage and after having kids, but it's really what YOU make of it. If you and your husband continue to care for one another and do things to help each other and strive to continue to make each other happy, and take time to connect and spend time with one another, you have a much better chance of staying in a happy marriage than if you just assume it will all go downhill and accept it as a fact.

DH and I have been proving people wrong since we were 16/17 years old - we look forward to *many* more years of proving to people that it IS possible to stay as blissfully in love and happy even after many more years of marriage and after having children.

 

[Callisto]

I don''t have kids at the moment but this definitely scares me. I was a graph in a psychology textbook that showed average marital satisfaction and it basically plummeted upon having kids and then slowly improved as the kids got older but didn''t reach the pre-kid level until the kids were out of the house... it has basically terrified me about having kids in the future.

SO and I stayed together happily for 3 years in a long distance relationship... I guess I''m just hoping we can beat the odds again and throughout our entire relationship.

 

[E B]

Date: 5/7/2010 10:09:06 AM
Author: lknvrb4
I can honestly say having a baby with my husband brought even more satisfaction to the marriage. He stayed home with me for a week after we had our son and it was one of the best weeks of my life. My husband is such a hands on father and to this day still puts our son to bed every night, it's their thing.

This is true for us, as well. My husband is an amazing, incredibly involved father and this has made my love for him so much stronger. After having a baby, we've truly become a 'team.'

We went through a rough period of about a month where our son wasn't sleeping well, and we bickered a lot. Once we transitioned kiddo into his crib and everyone was getting a LOT more sleep, however, things got so much better.

Like others have said, it takes work, but doesn't marriage in general?

 

[ponder]

My DH and I were adamant that we would not let this happen. We have a very easy relationship and have never had to "work" at our relationship, but after 15 years of awesomeness we were a little worried if kids were going to mess it all up. I have come to the conclusion that it only happens if you let it.

We had our first night out for dinner and a concert at 2 weeks after delivery. Was I nervous? Yes, upset...No. At 6 weeks we took DD on a road trip to visit friends a a large weekend house party. We even took her to her first outdoor concert, she slept throught the whole thing.

And sex....I asked my OBGYN how long to wait. He said at least 6 weeks or tell my DH whatever I wanted if I wasn''t ready. I WAS ready. DH was the apprehensive one.

Of course things change, even your relationship, but you do have control over how much things change and how much effort you put into your relationship.

For us the biggest thing that has changed is spontanety. Everything takes more planning, even sex. But ultimately you can still have a fufilling marriage. You just have to work at it.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 5/7/2010 12:32:08 PM
Author: ponder
My DH and I were adamant that we would not let this happen. We have a very easy relationship and have never had to ''work'' at our relationship, but after 15 years of awesomeness we were a little worried if kids were going to mess it all up. I have come to the conclusion that it only happens if you let it.

We had our first night out for dinner and a concert at 2 weeks after delivery. Was I nervous? Yes, upset...No. At 6 weeks we took DD on a road trip to visit friends a a large weekend house party. We even took her to her first outdoor concert, she slept throught the whole thing.

And sex....I asked my OBGYN how long to wait. He said at least 6 weeks or tell my DH whatever I wanted if I wasn''t ready. I WAS ready. DH was the apprehensive one.

Of course things change, even your relationship, but you do have control over how much things change and how much effort you put into your relationship.

For us the biggest thing that has changed is spontanety. Everything takes more planning, even sex. But ultimately you can still have a fufilling marriage. You just have to work at it.

Sounds great, ponder! I aspire to have this kind of a marriage after babies.

 

[NovemberBride]

I think it depends on what qualifies as marital satisfaction in your eyes. Pre-baby, DH and I used to get a lot of satisfaction out of traveling together, going out to dinner at the newest trendy restaurants and partying with our friends. Now, DH and I get satisfaction out of spending a quiet evening at home with our daughter. Basically, we have learned to derive marital satisfaction out of different activities. I think where a problem arises is if your marital satisfaction comes from things that are not compatible with a baby and you are unable to derive satisfaction from other areas that are more compatible. Not to say we don''t still like traveling, eating at fancy restaurants and partying, but we aren''t doing much of any of those with a 6 month old, so I can imagine that if that''s all we knew how to do to make our marriage happy, we''d be pretty miserable right now.

With respect to things like intimacy, you are introducing a 3rd person into the mix, so there is bound to be an adjustment period. DH and I probably don''t kiss or cuddle as much as we used to right now, we both spend a lot of time cuddling and kissing DD. I figure in a few years when she doesn''t want our cuddles anymore we''ll have more time to cuddle each other!

 

[Dreamer_D]

When psychologists have studied satisfaction longitudinally, there is no doubt that on average there is a dip in satisfaction when the child is born. But the dip is relative to a couples average level of satisfaction.

Imagine that satisfaction is being measured on a 10 point scale, with 1 being miserable and 10 being bliss. The let's take couple A. They are a very satisfied couple, and so their satisfaction would look like this over time (each number represents a 3 month period): 8 8 8 9 10 (baby) 5 5 4 5 6 7 8 8 8 8.

Couple B might look very different. They were not a very happy couple prebaby: 5 5 5 6 8 (baby) 1 2 1 2 1 4 5 5 5 5.

If you talked to both couples 3 months after baby was born, clearly Couple A would still be pretty happy and couple B would be pretty miserable perhaps even considering divorce. So this accounts for some of the variations people are talking about in the relationships they see around them. To know just *how* unhappy a given couple will be after baby, you need to know how happy they were before baby too.

Other factors that come into play as well -- some couple will have a bigger dip after baby that others, some couples will recover faster or slower.

Also, people will vary in their retrospective recall of their happiness

. If we ask people each month to rate their happiness, we see the patterns above. But if we asked both Couple A and Couple B one year later to tell us "How happy were before baby was born? How happy after?" their retrospective accounts would be very different. Couple A, who is happy, might not recall the dip at all, it will be wiped from their memory. Couple B might exacggerate it. So recollections are not a good indication of past happiness, they are only a good indication of your *present* happiness.

 

[Dreamer_D]

As for us, I don't think we had a dip in satisfaction

, but that is because DH was an equal parent with me. He took 6 weeks of paternity leave and contributed a LOT to raising baby. I would have been one unhappy lady with the type of husband many of my friends have, who do little or nothing to help with baby or maintaining the house.

Ladies who have not had baies yet: If you want a happy marriage post baby then work on your husabnd's contribution to the household now and make sure he contributes to baby as much as possible in those early weeks. You will thank yourself later. Just read the newborn thread to see what a big issue this is.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think satisfaction, just generally, can dip a bit.

TGuy is a great dad and definitely put in as much as he could. But it just couldn''t be "equal" in those early months. I was on maternity leave. He was going to work. For the first 6 weeks, even though I knew it couldn''t be even steven, I was just bummed that my life changed so much. At 6 weeks old, she got moved to her crib and at 2 months, she had a 7pm bedtime with only one wake up, which disappeared at the 3 month mark. Life got better and better, the more sleep everyone got. All of the sudden we really felt like we could MANAGE it all.

We have ups and downs like any couple, but life/marital satisfaction has gotten better, without a doubt. Not long ago, I was cuddling on the couch with TGuy and Amelia ran up to us and cuddled with us. We weren''t on the big couch, but squished on the 1.5 oversized chair one, so it was just so cozy and loving. We felt the bond of our family and it was so peaceful - one of those memories that will stay with me always, as I remember how content I felt.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/7/2010 1:13:11 PM
Author: dreamer_d
As for us, I don''t think we had a dip in satisfaction

, but that is because DH was an equal parent with me. He took 6 weeks of paternity leave and contributed a LOT to raising baby. I would have been one unhappy lady with the type of husband many of my friends have, who do little or nothing to help with baby or maintaining the house.



Ladies who have not had baies yet: If you want a happy marriage post baby then work on your husabnd''s contribution to the household now and make sure he contributes to baby as much as possible in those early weeks. You will thank yourself later. Just read the newborn thread to see what a big issue this is.

Great point dreamer, and something I definitely have thought about.

I will say that I feel very comfortable with idea of having children with DH (which I did not with past partners) because he is a super-star when it comes to contributing to the household. He also wants to be the stay-at-home parent (of course I would take a few weeks off!). It also makes more sense for him to do so as a) he loves being a house-husband and is good at it, b) is great with kids, and c) can get paid paternity leave whereas I can''t (being self-employed).

I will admit...I am actually concerned that *I* would be the one not doing enough to help out or may be the one who feels a bit left out of the parent-child bond (I aim to make sure that does not happen...but I also know how exhausted I am after a day of work to get things done at house...never mind also have babies around!).

 

[ponder]

Date: 5/7/2010 1:13:11 PM
Author: dreamer_d
As for us, I don''t think we had a dip in satisfaction

, but that is because DH was an equal parent with me. He took 6 weeks of paternity leave and contributed a LOT to raising baby. I would have been one unhappy lady with the type of husband many of my friends have, who do little or nothing to help with baby or maintaining the house.

Ladies who have not had baies yet: If you want a happy marriage post baby then work on your husabnd''s contribution to the household now and make sure he contributes to baby as much as possible in those early weeks. You will thank yourself later. Just read the newborn thread to see what a big issue this is.

AMEN!

Totally agree! DH wanted to be involved as possible because he wanted to bond as much as I did, but his opportunities were limited. Honestly, I think I changed 1-2 diapers the first week and almost never when he is home. In the last 11 months I have given only a handful of baths when he is out of town. I never felt overwhelmed because I never felt alone which has never caused resentment or DH feeling left out or abandoned by my necessary attention to the baby. We a truely a team.

 

[ponder]

Date: 5/7/2010 11:16:56 AM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/7/2010 10:57:06 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/7/2010 10:31:04 AM
Author: Laila619

Date: 5/7/2010 10:21:15 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/7/2010 10:16:52 AM
Author: Laila619
Unfortunately, from what I have seen and heard in my friends'' marriages, yes this is generally true.

These are couples that basically haven''t had sex since they conceived. We''re talking months or years. They bicker and are constantly exhausted and don''t have much to give to one another. Everything is about the baby. It''s like they cease to be lovers and are now just mom and dad. While I''m absolutely thrilled to be expecting, I''m not looking forward to DH''s and my relationship suffering.

Laila, don''t you think this type of behavior is controllable, though? It seems like you think your relationship is going to suffer with your DH, and there''s nothing you can do to stop it! I don''t have children yet, but I certainly don''t think everyone''s relationship suffers!

True, but it seems like if it happens to most couples, despite our best efforts my DH and I might end up the same way. Also, people keep warning me (almost gleefully!?) that when the baby comes, the newlywed phase will be over. It''s like, great, thanks for letting me know, lol.

I guess in my mind, I''m kind of equating this situation with getting married recently; it seemed that already-married people (more specifically long-term married folks) only had negative things to say about marriage. Could I let this scare me? Of course. But, and maybe this is me being naive, I don''t believe this will have to be me and my husband in 10, 30, 50+ years. I think marriage, and child-raising, (and life in general) is what you make it, KWIM?

Yes, marriage will be really tough sometimes, yes, child raising will be really tough sometimes, but I don''t think it has to be the end of your loving relationship with your husband. Certainly the passion will ebb and flow over the years that you are married, and there may be more ''ebbing'' than ''flowing'' in your child raising years, but I still think it can be a good time in your marriage. Of course things are going to change a lot by having a new little one that your world revolves around, but the point of marrying someone is to grow and change with them, right?

I didn''t mean to single you out, Laila, it''s just something I''ve really been thinking about recently, because of the types of comments I mentioned above.

And who knows, I don''t have any children yet, it may be the end of my sanity when I do!

lily, yeah, what''s up with that? The same exact thing happened to me...people would say, ''oh you may be blissfully happy now, but just wait a few years.'' What the heck?

My DH and I have been married for 1.5 years and are still as happy as the day we got married. I don''t think that will change anytime soon. So I guess it is what you make of it, and what you put into it.

I''m also of the mindset that kids are happy when their parents are happy. There''s no benefit in neglecting the marriage for the kids.

Laila,

I total remember this when we first got married. People kept talking about the hard times, or when things get rough. After 15 years together we have not found them yet. It is what you make of it and what you put into it.

 

[curlygirl]

After 1 child, there was a dip but it was manageable and we made things work.

After 2 children, it''s a more significant dip! It took us a while to get back into a groove but we realized that we really, REALLY needed to have time away from the kids so for almost a year now, we''ve been having weekly date nights. Are we getting it on regularly? Um, no...but we never really did before either so I think we''re both ok with it. It''s just less of a concern now that we have 2 little ones to deal with. We''re just too tired. And old!

 

[Black Jade]

It''s temporary.

But you do have to consciously make an effort with kids of any age to remember that each other are more important. Bad English, but you know what I mean, I''m sure.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/7/2010 2:42:18 PM
Author: curlygirl
After 1 child, there was a dip but it was manageable and we made things work.

After 2 children, it''s a more significant dip! It took us a while to get back into a groove but we realized that we really, REALLY needed to have time away from the kids so for almost a year now, we''ve been having weekly date nights. Are we getting it on regularly? Um, no...but we never really did before either so I think we''re both ok with it. It''s just less of a concern now that we have 2 little ones to deal with. We''re just too tired. And old!

I think this is very common too. Two kids just adds all that much more pressure!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/7/2010 2:42:18 PM
Author: curlygirl
After 1 child, there was a dip but it was manageable and we made things work.

After 2 children, it''s a more significant dip! It took us a while to get back into a groove but we realized that we really, REALLY needed to have time away from the kids so for almost a year now, we''ve been having weekly date nights. Are we getting it on regularly? Um, no...but we never really did before either so I think we''re both ok with it. It''s just less of a concern now that we have 2 little ones to deal with. We''re just too tired. And old!

Curly, I totally see how this could be the case. I know that with Amelia it was a dip. With a second, I always feared it would become a DITCH, if not a giant SINKHOLE.

That''s why I think so much of you...2 under 2, and I swear, it seemed to me like you barely blinked.

 

[Callisto]

Date: 5/7/2010 1:29:35 PM
Author: RaiKai


I will admit...I am actually concerned that *I* would be the one not doing enough to help out or may be the one who feels a bit left out of the parent-child bond (I aim to make sure that does not happen...but I also know how exhausted I am after a day of work to get things done at house...never mind also have babies around!).

I know what you mean about the latter part. I''m not worried at all about household contributions as I do more around the house but SO will always pitch in if asked without complaining. But he''s WAY better with kids than I am. I tend to get frustrated or bored around kids for a long time, but I think he could play with them forever. I''m very nurturing but he plays more than I do, I worry he''ll be "the fun parent".