Do you spank?

[makhro82]

This question arises from the number of friends I've seen giving their less than two year olds a swat on the bum or hands.

I know that it's not physically harming them but it strikes me as inappropriate. Granted I don't have any children but I hope to be a non-spanking mother.

If you do spank at what age did you start?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I don't spank my kids.

I cannot stand seeing people swat their kids on the butt.

My kids have acted like monsters and have suffered the wrath of mom, but their usual punishment is taking away video games or making them go to bed early. One time, they lost their games for a month!

 

[kenny]

We did early in our relationship, but after 14 years not so much.

 

[monarch64]

No, nor will we ever. Decision made long before we even got pregnant.

 

[Dee*Jay]

We did early in our relationship, but after 14 years not so much.

I swear this was exactly where my mind went too!

 

[tammy77]

I can count on one hand the number of times my kids (combined, not each) have been swatted on the bum. Never once they were of reasoning age, never hard enough to hurt. There are many other effective ways of getting through to kids.

 

[gregchang35]

Really tough one.

My dad as a child endured more than a spank- a cane was the usual form of punishemnt. it had a pride of place on the wall within easy reach and for ALL to see; he was one of eleven. So he vowed that he never would so that to us. Just his voice and temper was enough.

We were no angels for my parents. My mum was more the disciplinarian and the follow through was the wrath of dad. Yes dads wrath was worse than the cane!!!! Imagine that!!!

My DH and I agreed about spanking. We will use it as a LAST RESORT. Both of us (dh and i) had smacks as children, and thinking back on it we deserved it.


An example: when our DD was crawling, she kept going to the blinds and creasing the venetians...we kept steering her away, used loud voices but she knew that it would get a reaction from us. she still did it as she would look back to us and do it. we would then tap on the hand so that she knew it was not good to touch the blinds. Two fingers tapping in the back of her hand that touched the blinds. Some would say why done you change the height of the blinds that she doesnt tocih them again. yes we could do that, but then DD would know no boundaries. Fortunately, we rarely had to use it. She is now 2.5yo and i use time out spaces.

It's a tough question to answer in our case - as how much is too much or how hard is too hard with the smacking. We have aslo agreed that when one of us gets to boiling point to use it, the other would step in. Fortunately, spanking is rarely used, maybe 5 times.

That is how we work. A system I guess.

On the flip side, our friends do not spank at all. Unfortunately, they are no longer invited to our house, as he was just uncontrollable.
Another example of no spanking- they have 2 beautiful daughters. The most well behaved amongst all their cousins.

 

[Smith1942]

We did early in our relationship, but after 14 years not so much.

ROFL! Has anyone seen the Ally McBeal episode where John decides to spank Nell?

Anyway, we would never spank ours. Send 'em up the chimneys instead! (Joke)

 

[makhro82]

We did early in our relationship, but after 14 years not so much.

Way to keep it spicy, Kenny!

 

[VRBeauty]

No, and I don't Spanx either.

Seriously, if I had kids I might use a light smack to get their attention. But never the more serious spankings (wooden spoon, anyone?) that my parents sometimes resorted to using.

 

[makhro82]

No, and I don't Spanx either.

Unfortunately, I do sometimes.

 

[SB621]

I don't believe in spanking out of anger or frustration and have never hit my kids on the bum.

With that said DH and I were never spanked as children but we have swated the hands of our older child. 3 times to be exact. Once when he was reaching for something that would have spilled hot water on him when I told him to stay away/ be careful, once for almost pushing his sister down the stairs when she took his toy, and the last time was because he ran out into the road (we do have speeders on our street) and he knows to not go near the road. Not everyone agrees with it but I'm not out for popular opinion. After each swat we have always talked about it directly afterwards. What happens, what went wrong, what we should have done and then hugs/ kisses followed by lots of I love yous.

I think swats and pinches are what many parents in my circles tend to you as a last resort form of correction. It isn't spanking but at the same time their is some physical discomfort. For some kids it works and for other it doesn't . All I can say is you will hit that obstacle when you get there and do what is your best for you child then. I don't judge other parents by how they choose to discipline their children as no 2 kids are the same and all react differently to things.

 

[Laila619]

No. I think there are better ways to discipline.

 

[kenny]

We did early in our relationship, but after 14 years not so much.

Way to keep it spicy, Kenny!

Thanks for not getting mad about the threadjack.

Sorry, no kids here so no experience.
I think I would not spank, but have mixed feelings about it.
Also I suspect kids vary, and what works for the ideal parent and the ideal child may not work for others.

My perspective on this topic is pretty distorted ...
I had a monster drunk father who tortured and beat us and mom (we are talking hospital emergency room visits) ... but I suspect 'good' parents who do it (spanking) 'right' (whatever that is) can have good results on a kid ... but really, what do I know?!

 

[Begonia]

Nope.

Tried it a couple of times when the first son was small. Little guy was so devastated, and for several days, that I never tried it again.

Leverage and natural consequences have been more helpful for my two...

 

[justginger]

I don't have children, so the answer is no. But as SB said, no two kids are the same. I grew up with spankings (though honestly, I was such a good child I think my mother said she could count on one hand how many times it occurred), and I don't think there is anything wrong with a quick, open-handed smack on the backside of a child that is getting him/herself worked up into a proper, out-of-control frenzy. Just as a way to wake them up, get their attention, not so much as an actual form of pain, and thus punishment. In order for this to work, of course, it would have to be a rarity, or else it wouldn't serve its purpose in catching the child's attention and letting them know that they've really crossed the line.

There's always a good chance my opinion will change when I'm actually parenting though. I never judge a parent for how they choose to discipline their child...unless it borders on child abuse, or in the opposite direction, if they choose not to discipline a very poorly behaving child at all (like the girl I saw at Disneyland who bit her little brother for touching her Belle cup -- hard enough to draw blood -- and the mother pretended not to see what had happened! ).

 

[LaraOnline]

Interesting conversation.
I have used physical punishment occasionally with my kids while they were very young, overall I have no problems with how I personally have used this discipline method, in the broad scheme of things. My middle child is six and I find I very rarely even consider it now. However, I rarely have to impose 'time-outs' or other discipine either, overall they are really well behaved and pleasant kids.

I dislike many of the non-physical options for young children, such as time-outs and drawn-out removal of resources / socialising opportunities. Sometimes very time consuming to carry out, and disruptive to other people in the family in practice (ie the painful and drawnout tantrums resulting from the 'timeout') . Fine if you are a paid nanny, perhaps, but I've got school lunches to pack, laundry to do and a bunch of errands to run. I need bad behaviour to cease quickly.

Also, non-physical punishments seem to draw a great deal of drawn-out and repeated attention to the unwanted behaviour, behaviour that may have happened some hours or even days and days ago. I'm not so sure this is positive for the child's development.

Additionally, I find the prescription of these non-pysical punishments can be controlling, and psychologically manipulative. I don't want to control my child's mind, I just want to control behaviour, in the moment.

 

[Ally T]

I have spanked my eldest on the back of the hand or side of the leg several times when she was younger. She was too young to reason with & sometimes, as a last resort, it had to be done. This mostly occurred when she was around 2 years old, but wasn't very often. It was also a very short period of time that I felt it was necessary. After that I used the 5-4-3-2-1 countdown which I always used as a warning prior to a smacked hand previously, and she would then know what would come next & instantly she would stop. She is now 4 1/2 & hasn't been smacked for the best part of 2 years. She is hysterically, funny, intelligent, balanced & extremely loving. If she hears the countdown the situation is immediately resolved.

My 2 1/2 year old has had her hand smacked twice. She learns from seeing the elder get the countdown that mummy is extremely cross & she must stop instantly. Again she is a pleasure, witty, cheeky & loving. As someone who didn't want children, I pat myself on the back over what a good job I am doing raising them.

A friend down the lane has a 4 year old who has never been spanked. He is the son of the devil & I no longer allow him to play with my girls. I am talking about him biting them, smacking them across the face with hard toys, scratching, clawing, pushing them over etc. They became terrified of him & I had to apologize to my friend about no more play dates, just mummy time coffee, as I felt I was setting my children up for violent abuse. Like me she is a SAHM with a husband who works long hours & travels away. In her case it is the husband who insists on no smacking, so she is left to flounder with a child who alienates her friends. She did lash out at him once & phoned me immediately in tears, worried her husband would find out. Of all children, this one does needs discipline.

My brother has also never smacked, and again he has one daughter who is uncontrollable. She is vicious & also a biter / kicker. I would NEVER tell another parent how to raise their child, but there are judgment calls to be made

 

[MichelleCarmen]

No, and I don't Spanx either.

Seriously, if I had kids I might use a light smack to get their attention. But never the more serious spankings (wooden spoon, anyone?) that my parents sometimes resorted to using.

My mom used the wooden spoon on me a few times. She justified it by making me sit there and have her spend 1/2 hour explaining to me why she had to use the spoon because the bad things I had done were things that were dangerous to me, so spanking me w/the wooden spoon would prevent me from doing them again and thus save my life. One time, the lake we lived by was frozen over so I tried walking on the ice and she brought out the spoon and hit me with it.

My friend from HS, same age as me, said her mom used the wooden spoon on her and when she was older, they were moving and her mom had pulled out the washing machine and had found a pile of wooden spoons back there that my friend had shoved to prevent her mom from hitting her!

 

[Rosebloom]

We do not. But my best friend does use spanking with her children. Talking with her about it extensively and seeing how she does it has proven to me once again that there is no one right way for everyone. I have grabbed my son too forcefully when I was at my wits end. I am ashamed of having had that response. For me, it is partially why we don't spank. I don't think I could guarantee that I wouldn't use it inappropriately. That sounds pathetic, but mothering can be emotionally and physically exhausting and I know my limits!

 

[Sparklelu]

I have given a swat or two on a fanny when my Dd or DS was being particularly naughty. Each time they were so surprised they smartened right up. My mom used a wooden spoon on my brother and broke it on him one day and she was sooooo pi$$ed. Because it was her good pasta spoon. And my mom was the nicest sweetest women you could ever know, my brother pushed all her buttons!
He turned out rotten, but I don't think it was the spankings.

 

[Dreamer_D]

No.

But there are times I sure have wanted to!

 

[ruby59]

I agree with the above. Children are different. When it came to personalities and temperments, it was hard to believe my 3 came from the same parents. Mine were very close in age, and when they were very young my husband traveled ALOT on business. So it was up to me to be mother and father and get everything done. Timeouts were not created for busy parents. I had to get creative and see what worked for each child. Spanking was always used as a last resort. From the posts above, sadly it can vary from discipline to abuse. If used correctly and sparingly on a child to keep him out of danger and for which nothing else will keep him safe, it is an effective tool. If used right, it should not have to be repeated often, if at all.

 

[orbaya]

We don't. I admit I have swatted his bum a few times and then I feel horrible afterwards.

My dad used to spank our bare bottoms and my mom used a wooden spoon. One day when I was 4, I found that spoon and started hitting my little sister and saying "bad girl". I guess I thought that if my mother could do it to me, I could do it to my sister. My mom freaked out and after that I was never hit with a spoon again.