Do you love your in-laws?

[Dreamer_D]

Do you love your in-laws? As in, would you say "I love you" to them? Or maybe you don't say it, but you feel love for them and include them in your "loved people" category.

If you do love them, when did that feeling become clear to you?

 

[Sky56]

Yes. And my mother-in-law died this week! She was in her mid-90's. I never could say a single bad word about her and neither could anyone else. She was such a great person! RIP, dear friend M.

I like my brother-in-law. He's my only in-law left.

 

[baby monster]

No. They are very nice people and we have a good relationship. Never said a bad word to each other but nothing close to love.

 

[angela06]

I care for and respect my mother in law as my children's grandmother, caregiver, and the person who raised my husband. That is about the extent of it. I think I should love her, but I don't feel it.

 

[sonnyjane]

No. They are very nice people and we have a good relationship. Never said a bad word to each other but nothing close to love.

Yeah. I've only met my in-laws twice in the 8 years my husband and I have been together - once when we got engaged and once at his brother's wedding. Nice folks but we don't really have a relationship.

 

[amc80]

No, and I feel really bad saying that. They are nice people, but I have nothing in common with them. They did a crappy job raising DH. He is an only child and was mostly left to himself as a kid so they could drink. Any money they've ever had they've spent on alcohol, cigarettes, and gambling. It's not that I dislike them, I'm just very neutral. They just moved away (out of state) and I definitely have mixed feelings about it. They do love our DS and were great babysitters- they were so scared of screwing up that they followed directions to the letter.

 

[rosetta]

I like them, but there's very few people I love in the world. My husband and family only really. But I haven't been married long, so I'll give it more time

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Nope. They're very nice people and we all get along very well, but I don't have the warm and fuzzies for them. They live in another state and we see them every other yr or so.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yes, for sure I love them! They are great people!! I am very close with them, I probably see my MIL more than I do my own mother, because she watches my son!

 

[yssie]

Yes. They are wonderful, big-hearted people who accepted me into their family from the very first, and who love me as I do them.

That said, it's not the sort of unconditional love I have for my parents - my in-laws love me because I make their son happy, and because I'm good for him, and because their son makes me happy and is good for me. In a vacuum - without their son - there would be no reason for love.

My DH does not love my parents. He likes them, and they like him very much and everyone gets along great, but it's a different relationship than I have with his parents. I think it's because his family accepted me without question at the beginning, whereas mine did nothing but question... and does so even now, in some ways.

 

[kenny]

Difficult to answer because people define love differently.
Some have a low threshold and love lots of people, others a high bar and love few or no people.
For some it's a tribe thing, as in life is better for all of us when family sticks together.

I like my SO's family a LOT.
They are wonderful people who'd give you the shirts off their backs.

For me love goes into that box with religion, fulfillment and meaning.
All ambiguous stuff to the rational brain of an adult survivor of child abuse.

 

[zoebartlett]

My mother in law says "I love you guys" or "love you" and I still feel uncomfortable with it 10+ years later. I rarely say it to anyone except my husband, including my own parents and family, so I can't get myself to say it back to my MIL.

I like my in-laws. They're kind and generous. We're very different in a lot of ways and I haven't always understood their thinking, but I know they care greatly about their family, including me.

My husband comes from a large family, and we're sort of smack dab in the middle of his siblings and nieces and nephews, age-wise. I don't relate to one more than the other group, if that makes sense. Maybe because of this, I don't feel close to anyone and I still feel like the girlfriend who's visiting for the day. We're still at very surface level questions with one another, and that's awkward for me, anyway.

 

[packrat]

No. She's not a nice person, she's hard/nigh impossible to get along w/, and I have neither the time nor the patience to kowtow to her. JD's father died about a year and a half ago, I never met him and had no desire to. We have no contact w/his mother anymore. I can't even say I "love" them for giving me their son. He is the man he is *in spite of* their parenting-he learned what *not* to do during his childhood, and learned how normal people/parents/adults are by becoming friends w/my brother and our friends, and when he and I got together, by being around my parents.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Both my FIL and MIL have passed away, but although I have fond memories of both of them I have never told them I love them or vice versa. My SILs (3 of them!!!!!!!)......we have nothing in common, but we do have a cordial relationship, and have fun get togethers a couple times a year.

 

[momhappy]

I love some of them, but can't stand others. I'm not fake about it - if I love someone, I say it. If not, I don't.

 

[Circe]

At this point, I'd say I "love" three people - my son, my husband, and my best friend. I have a great many people in my life for whom I care, deeply ... but my definition (my massively co-dependent definition) of love has always been someone I'd die for, someone I'd die without. The next tier down would be the former without the latter, which includes a number of people I could totally care about that much: I just don't see them often enough for that level of affection to develop. And the tier after that ... that, I suppose, is for people who are more than acquaintances, but less than friends - people I love to spend time with, but from whom I don't expect anything.*

My inlaws are somewhere in between the last two, I think. I adore them, but we live an ocean apart, so I see them for a couple of weeks each year, a month, tops. If we lived closer, the answer would be an unambiguous yes, 'cause they're great. As it is? I adore them, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if something were to happen and they couldn't be by my side, if that makes sense.

*I think this may actually be my more realistic line-in-the-sand for love vs. friendship vs. casual camaraderie. I had a thing happen a few years ago that landed me in the hospital. One friend flew across the country to take care of me. A few were great once I got back, occasional weirdnesses, but generally acted like normal people. And one, whom I'd thought of as a sister, fell completely and totally out of my life. The funny thing is, I would have gone to the mat for any of them, before that. I still might, for all but the last. But I only "love" the people who I know I can depend on to the same extent that they can depend on me, if that makes sense.

 

[ringbling17]

NO, I don't. I wish I could say otherwise, but it's the truth.
We have never gotten into an argument per say, but they are ambivalent regarding my kids,my husband and I.
When we see each other at parties or get togethers, you would not even know that they are the grandparents of our kids. No love or show of affection.

I've been married for over 20 years now and in the beginning I used to make every effort to bring my kids to see them. I used to get Mother's Day gifts and Father's Day gifts for them. Then one year I gave my MIL a princess cut diamond band I purchased from DB. I had it polished and gave it to her bc I knew she never bought jewelry for herself.

Can you believe she came up to me later on at another family get together in June and told me that the ring was fake. Umm, hello, why would I give her a fake ring. I wouldn't have bothered to give it to her if it was fake. Why embarrass myself or my husband.

I was so mad bc at home I had the appraisal for that ring for over $3K.

So, I told her it was real, but if she didn't believe it was real, she should just give it back to me. Of course she didn't give it back.

 

[Hospatogi]

I try for my DH's sake to get along with my inlaws. However it's not easy when they pick on me. My mother in law constantly makes hurtful comments about my weight and that I should try to hide my unattractiveness with makeup. When my DH scolds her she pretends she is joking. They also make comments about my olive toned complexion . I overheard them say to my DH , " she's so dark but I suppose she can't help that".
My DH is torn because he loves me but he also loves his parents . For this reason I try to tolerate them as much as possible but I had to put my foot down when they said they wanted to live with us. That would be way too much for me to handle and I would have to run away to my parents house hahah!

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

I love my SIL (bro's wife) to death. She is my bestest BEST friend. Don't know what I would do without her.

As for my in laws from DH's side.... Yea... I wish I meant it when I told them I love them. I do it for DH, but I have been hurt too many times by them. I would love to say more but I'm afraid that DH might come upon this.

But, I so love Minouxbijoux. She's my long lost mother and I am her long lost daughter.

 

[TooPatient]

No. She's not a nice person, she's hard/nigh impossible to get along w/, and I have neither the time nor the patience to kowtow to her. JD's father died about a year and a half ago, I never met him and had no desire to. We have no contact w/his mother anymore. I can't even say I "love" them for giving me their son. He is the man he is *in spite of* their parenting-he learned what *not* to do during his childhood, and learned how normal people/parents/adults are by becoming friends w/my brother and our friends, and when he and I got together, by being around my parents.

This describes my in-law situation pretty well.

DH had to learn normal from other people in life. His parents were abusive and neglectful. His father is now dead and his mother lives out of state. We e-mail/call once every couple of years or less. She doesn't even know we married.

 

[arkieb1]

Nope. They're very nice people and we all get along very well, but I don't have the warm and fuzzies for them. They live in another state and we see them every other yr or so.

+ 1

 

[manderz]

No. She's not a nice person, she's hard/nigh impossible to get along w/, and I have neither the time nor the patience to kowtow to her. JD's father died about a year and a half ago, I never met him and had no desire to. We have no contact w/his mother anymore. I can't even say I "love" them for giving me their son. He is the man he is *in spite of* their parenting-he learned what *not* to do during his childhood, and learned how normal people/parents/adults are by becoming friends w/my brother and our friends, and when he and I got together, by being around my parents.

I can kind of relate to this. Without giving away too many personal identifiers, he was born to a very young woman and then adopted by his grandmother. All of his family is smack in the middle of mental illness, generational poverty, and substance abuse. Those three issues cover literally all of his family, whether it be one or more per person. When we started dating, we clawed our way out of it, and are currently caring for his adopted mother.

I find it difficult to love people who have threatened me with physical violence, and have called me (for years) names I won't be repeating here. The only one I come close to loving is his adopted mother, as our relationship drastically changed once she stopped calling me a whore and actually got to know me (when hubs and I bought our house, and she began to live in our rental at no out of pocket cost to her). She tells me she loves me now, but I have trouble saying it back because I don't feel that way (I say it when she really needs to hear it). There are a few people in my own family I have similar ambivalent feelings towards. It's no saying I don't care at all for them, but love would certainly be a bit of a stretch.

 

[missy]

My relationship with my MIL has come a long way in the past 15 years. She disliked me from the beginning because I was very different than the type of person she was used to. I am from NYC, I'm Jewish and I'm edgy. That was so not her thing. She's very religious (catholic), active in her church and not a loving and warm person. More matter of fact and at times very cold. And I was also taking her son away-the son that accompanied her places since she was a widow (my dh's father died before I knew him) and the son that was there if she needed him. Not that he is not there if she needs him now but it's so not the same thing. And don't get me started on my SIL who truly despised me from the get go. That's a good story actually but too long and probably too personal for here. Suffice it to say my SIL (she is married to my dh's younger brother) is in love with my dh so there you go.

I was always respectful and nice to my dh's mother but she made it difficult from day one. Finally my dh after about a year or so of dating (so he was my bf at the time) told her she better treat me with respect even if she didn't love me cause I was going to be a part of his life forever and if she wanted to continue to be a part of his life that was the way it was going to have to go down. I am glad he took that initiative because I didn't feel it was my place at that time. So from that day forward she was much better. My dh is very well respected by everyone who knows him including his family. So when he makes a statement like that people listen. It didn't change our relationship overnight but with time I actually think she has grown to care for me. She sees how much my dh and I love each other and how good we are for each other and I think that softened her.

Do I love my MIL? That's a strong word and if push came to shove I would have to say no. I wish I felt differently but I don't. I respect her greatly because she did an amazing job raising her sons. A really amazing job and she deserves some (much?) of that credit. I care for her and I hope she lives a long time-she's turning 80 this year and as she ages she seems more vulnerable and I feel more protective of her if that makes sense.

Does she love me? I think she might but it is hard to know for sure. I think because I make her son happy she loves me for that but if my dh and I were to end our marriage tomorrow I don't think I would have any relationship with her.

My dh loves my parents and sister like his own family. I think that is partly because they accepted him from the beginning without question because I loved him. And partly because my parents are wonderful loving and warm people and everyone who knows them loves them. But I know my dh really and truly loves them as they do him.

For all the heartache and angst I went through with my dh's family in the first couple of years of our dating relationship I would do it all again because my dh is a rare jewel. I cannot sing his praises enough and if you knew me you would know that is not something I do lightly. I am a tough critic. I don't know how I got so lucky to have him in my life but I am thankful and appreciative every day because of him. So it was worth all the crap I went through with his family though I so wish I had the kind of relationship with them that my dh has with my family. Like I told my dh a long time ago I will never have another MIL/SILs/BILs and I wanted a closer relationship with her but that's not who she is. She's just not the warm and fuzzy type and never will be.

Sorry for the book. I have too much time on my hands these days LOL.

 

[DNB]

Yes. They have always treated me like a daughter (married 33 years). Also, our DIL loves us and has told us she's so lucky to have in laws she actually likes.

 

[missy]

Dreamer, what about you? How do you feel about your in laws?
Great topic btw.

 

[Chewbacca]

I love my parents-in-law, I'm not sure when it became clear to me. I liked them immediately, I was 18 years old and I easily joined the family as one of their own! My love for them grew right away. I felt as though I had been cast off into a nightmare when my FIL had a near fatal heart attack a couple of years ago, that might have been a defining moment for the love I felt for all of their family.

I also love my siblings-in-law! With the exception of one (a BIL's wife, we get along fine, but its not a love-thing!), I feel like Elmyra and one of her pets, I JUST WANT TO LOVE THEM.

I thought that meeting the family at a young age was the key, but another DIL meet them at 17, and they are not close. I guess its down to compatibility, which I feel SO LUCKY to have with SO's family.

 

[GliderPoss]

No. She's not a nice person, she's hard/nigh impossible to get along w/, and I have neither the time nor the patience to kowtow to her. JD's father died about a year and a half ago, I never met him and had no desire to. We have no contact w/his mother anymore. I can't even say I "love" them for giving me their son. He is the man he is *in spite of* their parenting-he learned what *not* to do during his childhood, and learned how normal people/parents/adults are by becoming friends w/my brother and our friends, and when he and I got together, by being around my parents.

This is a similar situation to mine. I do honestly care about them but couldn't say I really "love" or respect them. My MIL is very difficult to get along with and can be very tempermental (I suspect mental illness). My FIL just avoids everything. How my husband turned out to be such a wonderful man considering his upbringing is totally beyond me. There is no love or affection in that family and I think that just kills your spirit. I get along with them fine, all very civil etc but it's a very complex relationship that I think has scarred my husband & his sister for life. My own parents have totally "adopted" my husband and thankfully he loves them too so at least he has support from one side of the family.

 

[JewelFreak]

No. I could barely stand to be in the same room with my MIL. In all the years I knew her, I never once heard her say a nice thing about anyone not related to her by blood. Including her other DIL, who worked SO hard to make her happy. DH's mother was (she died about 2 yrs ago) not intelligent & when she felt inferior for any reason, her fix was to tear the other guy down. Nobody escaped except her children & husband. She made nasty remarks about me in Dutch in front of me despite knowing I understood the language as well as English.

Here's my first clue: when we visited them for Christmas 3 months after we were married, she put us in separate bedrooms! I still laugh like crazy.

My FIL was ok, much more pleasant than MIL but his main goal in life was to avoid conflict at any price. Which made him pretty much a zero.

I feel really wistful reading all your accounts of great in-laws. You are so fortunate & I'm sure you've well earned the love they have for you. Good going!

--- Laurie

 

[packrat]

JewelFreak, I feel that way too, when I read of others loving/adoring/getting along so well w/in laws. I had this starry eyed idea, I guess, of having a second mom, or even an older sister or aunt type relationship, shopping together, going out to eat together, whatever...just being together and enjoying each others company. Instead I got a woman who would call 17 times a day and leave messages, or just hang up if the machine came on. (I'm going outside to weed the flowers in case you need anything. I came in to get a drink of water and saw someone called but didn't leave a message, was it you? I've called three times now and you don't answer, is everything ok? I was outside and thought I heard the phone ring, was it you? I'm getting worried now, you haven't called me back yet.) And after a couple years and our first baby, it turned into drunken phone calls, being screeched at about how horrible a person I am, how lucky I am that JD married me, I'm lazy and worthless and her poor son works his fingers to the bone day in and day out and I'm killing him slowly so I hope you're happy when my son DIIIIIIIIEEEEESSSSSS.

lordy.

I suppose I could thank her for showing me how to NOT be a mother in law for when Trapper gets married.

I did date a guy who had a wonderful mom who adored me, but he was a jerk...a hot Johnny Depp looking jerk, dangit. And then a different guy right before JD and I started dating, had a mom and dad who were awesome, that were furious with him when we broke up, and that actually brought JD and I wedding presents. Too bad you can't pick your in laws...like a vending machine...lessee...so yeah, I'll take this guy here, the G14...aaaaaand...I'll go with the...um...B2..wait ooo no, I like these here B6 MIL/FIL...

 

[recordaras]

I *loved* my ex-boyfriend's parents. We had an amazing and very close relationship with both of them (and had regular girls' nights out with his mom!), and they truly were very dear to me. I still miss and regularly think about them.
The relationship with my current future in-laws is very different - not nearly as close and loving. It's not bad, and I definitely like them, but I can't say that I love them or that I would go out of my way to spend extra one-on-one time with them like I did with my ex's parents.