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Do you know how to apologize?

Begonia

Begonia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 2, 2011
Messages
3,693
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. The ability to apologize sincerely and effectively. It seems when I (and most people around me) have done or said something that warrants an apology, it’s preceded by excuses and explanations that can negate the point of the apology. So I looked it up and it says:

1. Express remorse, starting with “I’m sorry”, or “I apologize”.

2. Admit responsibility.

3. Make amends.

4. Promise that it won’t happen again.

There are a few variations but the general theme is the same. Saying things like “I’m sorry you interpreted it that way”, or “I’m sorry you’re upset”, isn’t an apology, it’s a justification of your behaviour. I took an anger management course years and years ago cuz I have anger issues, and I had just had a baby and was worried I would inflict my anger on him. I learned that my anger was masking some other feelings that were too painful to deal with, and anger was empowering and felt better. Later I joined a Confucian holy house and spent some time with them, where I learned a lot about ego, and especially my ego. I’m no expert on these matters, but for me the ability to apologize genuinely and from the heart has a lot to do with my ego. I may not know everything there is to know about the subtle art of apologizing, but when I hear or read one that has excuses and is disingenuous, I feel sorrow for the lost opportunity, especially if it came from me.

I have some work to do in this regard, but I’m hopeful.
 
Yes I definitely know how to apologize! And I am always more than happy to apologize when it is warranted. Doing it right is critical I agree otherwise it is empty words. You have to mean it and feel it for it to be a proper and satisfying (for all parties involved) apology.

Say it sincerely.
Mean what you say.
Don't make excuses- just apologize for what you have done.
And ask what (if anything) you can you do to make it right.
And then let the other person talk and really listen.
 
Yes, definitely. Maybe even too much when I should not, I learnt to not when I know I have done no harm. I think highly empathetic people, empaths have no problem with it. People vary but it is an extremely important ability to have or to learn because communication is key in every human relationship, healthy communication that is, free from any toxicity, games, excuses. We are adults and need to take responsibility for our actions.
 
I do know how to apologize and regretfully find myself having to do so occasionally. My goal to live in a way that it would never be needed but I'm not there yet and probably never will be. The effort itself leads to tremendous growth so I will continue.

While "I'm sorry you feel that way." is not an apology, it is also sometimes the correct response when someone is upset/offended/mad and there was no offense to begin with. HSP, manipulators, narcissists, etc. can sometimes try to make others responsible for causing their feelings and that is not appropriate. I will not apologize in a situation like that. We are each responsible for how we feel. Just another lesson learned from having relationships with people who are emotionally immature/dysfunctional. Pinning someone into a corner, insisting they apologize when they've done nothing wrong is a form of manipulation and I don't engage on that level.
 
I am quick and good at putting my hand up to say "sorry, I have made a mistake/done it wrong" based on objective evidence such as facts and figures.

However, I am not so quick to apologise if it is based on differences of subjective opinion.

Hence I am considered as cold and unapproachable by some.

DK :))
 
I'd like to believe I do, but if I'm honest - I'm not really confident that's true.

I have this ability... If one cares to call it that... I can be more hurtful with words than anyone I know. I don't need to swear. I don't need to yell. I just need an unpleasant or uncomfortable truth to build something vicious from - and because it's seeded by a truth, well, it'll hurt.

The problem, for me, is usually that if an argument or situation escalates to the point of hurting someone else - it's because both parties feel they've been wronged. I am willing to acknowledge my failings, and I am willing to listen (really listen) to other people tell me things I haven't realized about myself, but I demand the same of others... If I apologize sincerely, and the other person fails to do the same, I will remember it and resent it. So I suppose my apology is genuine but my goodwill moving forward is conditional?
...Doesn't that negate the genuineness of said apology?
 
Sorry I'm late to work again, boss.
It's just that I hate my job, sorry.
I hate my job because you're such a jerk.
Oh, sorry.



How was that?
 
Yes, that‘s the same formula I use to teach my kids how to apologize as well.
I do also make it a point to teach them not to say, “It’s okay,” in response to an apology. “I accept your apology,” or “I forgive you,” can sound awfully formal from someone so young, but usually whatever the apology is for wasn’t actually okay.
 
All the liberals here owes me an apology ...Uhhuh.gif
 
There are words or actions that you may regret and if they have caused another pain, damage or loss then of course an apology and remedial action is appropriate.
But there are some things you can’t and shouldn’t apologise for. It may be that “who you are” or intrinsic values you hold cause another pain, damage or loss but you can’t and shouldn’t apologise for who you are or what values / ideals that you hold sacred.
By example -
You are atheist and this is a privately held value and your best friend asks you to be godmother at her daughters christening.
You decline the invitation but how can you apologise?
Apologise for your privately held Atheist beliefs?
Apologise for not being able to “pretend” to make your best friend happy?
Apologise for not giving a reason because you wish to keep your atheist belief to yourself?
Apologise to yourself for feeling obliged to tell a lie so you don’t have to disclose the real reason for your declination and so you can keep the friendship?
And sometimes people lack the courage to apologise, admitting a mistake or wrong overwhelms them. They prefer to ignore it and hope it goes away/ blows over.
Sometimes people don’t apologise because they lack insight or empathy and don’t even realise or recognise that an apology is required.
Such are the complexities of life.
I think that if your words or actions have done wrong to someone you should explain yourself and ask what you can do to make amends. An apology may not always be appropriate but being brave enough to take ownership of your words and actions and explain, not justify, goes a long way.
 
Bron357 said:
There are words or actions that you may regret and if they have caused another pain, damage or loss then of course an apology and remedial action is appropriate.
But there are some things you can’t and shouldn’t apologise for. It may be that “who you are” or intrinsic values you hold cause another pain, damage or loss but you can’t and shouldn’t apologise for who you are or what values / ideals that you hold sacred.
By example -
You are atheist and this is a privately held value and your best friend asks you to be godmother at her daughters christening.
You decline the invitation but how can you apologise?
Apologise for your privately held Atheist beliefs?
Apologise for not being able to “pretend” to make your best friend happy?
Apologise for not giving a reason because you wish to keep your atheist belief to yourself?
Apologise to yourself for feeling obliged to tell a lie so you don’t have to disclose the real reason for your declination and so you can keep the friendship?
...
Click to expand...

An atheist asked to become a godparent?

What's to apologize for? :confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused: Like Nancy RayGun taught us, "Just say no."
I'd thank the asker for paying me the compliment, as it shows love and trust.
Then I'd say, "No thank you."
No explanation needed.

If the asker is rude enough to demand an explanation I'd ask for proof there is a god.
Inadequate proof of god? Well then, so much for the idea of a god parent.

That said, If I liked them enough, I'd offer to do the non-religious duties of a so-called god parent.
I'd serve as a mentor and take the symbolic place of the child's parent of my gender if that parent passes away.

I would not go to the child's christening (too creepy) or raise it in their, or any, religion.
Tobacco, sex, alcohol, and religion are things a young brain is not developed enough to think critically about and make decisions about.
Hence, imposing tobacco, sex, alcohol, or religion onto a child is child abuse.
Yet, astonishingly, one of these is not illegal.
 
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Learning to say “I was wrong” probably has helped more than anything in discussions with my family. It means I have put away my own need to be right long enough to see they are actually hurting.

I think we often want to analyze another person and fix them rather than acknowledge their feelings, especially if we have hurt them.

It’s an interesting question. As a teacher, I often suggested an apology might be in order when mediating between kids, but it was very hard to get the children to do that in an authentic way. It was probably the wrong suggestion if it wasn’t coming spontaneously from them.
 
Yes, I do know what a genuine apology is.

Being human and all, I don't always offer one up when I should. I do hate, and avoid using, the 'I'm sorry you...' version, except when someone is insisting on being hurt/offended/a victim and refusing to hear my genuine attempts to explain what I actually meant. When I have had time to come to terms with my ego, I do often go back and offer a genuine apology when it is deserved and I didn't pony up.

That said, I am usually pretty good about giving genuine apologies. I have made it a point to do this especially with my children in order to build strong trust with them, to alleviate much of the discord that leads to difficult parent-child relationships, and to guide by example.
 
I can't recall a single instance of either of my parents saying sorry at all. I say it freely. I also only remember a couple of times being told that they loved me. So I also let my loved ones know that I love them. I'm a peacemaker for some reason.
 
To anyone I have offended on here or will offend on here, I'm sorry.....

On the flip side of that after living a life of worrying about other people's opinions in my 20s being better in my 30s and now quite frankly getting to an age in life where I actually do not care what anyone else thinks of me, I just do "me" and to be honest there are multiple times when that means I'm not sorry.
 
Just the other day I was fuming about powdered sugar and how we didn't have any and my daughter must have used it up. She overheard me and said, "Mom, you put all the powdered sugar in the canister on the countertop, remember?" I told her that I was sorry her mother couldn't remember simple things.
 
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