Do women flirt just to reaffirm self esteem?

[janinegirly]

Not sure how to sum this up but DH and I were talking and ended up discussing why people cheat (probably were talking about Tiger Woods, lol). I said sometimes one party gets bored and figures they won''t get caught. He kind of disagreed and said it was something deeper--ie things really bad at home that prompt it.

Anyway, he said something that bothered me a bit-that wome flirt all the time (married and unmarried) without the intention of following through. In other words it''s more a test of "marketability" or a way to get a self esteem boost. Do you think this is true? I personally never do this--to me if you give off the "vibe", that''s dishonest in a way. I"m not really talking about harmless flirting, but more overt.

 

[noelwr]

I do not agree with the statement that women flirt all the time. yes, many women AND men who do flirt do it without the intention of following through (especially when married), but I do not agree that ALL women flirt.

DH and I are completely against flirting. we would never flirt with others, no matter how "innocent" because it would hurt the other deeply.

I have no problem with other people flirting (not with me), and some of it is probably to score while others do it to get a response that confirms that yes, they are interesting to someone else and worth flirting with. I believe you have to be very careful with it so as not to hurt yourselves and others, and it should never be done in a professional environment.

that said, I do agree with your husband that some deeper problem leads to cheating. don''t you think that being bored with your partner is actually a serious problem?

 

[janinegirly]

good points noewlr, and agree being bored is symptom of a bigger problem. But in some cases, I think it can also be character. Someone who likes risks and if the opportunity is there, they will explore it which then leads to the behavior. I have never been cheated on (that I know of), but based on what I see/read of others'', I hear men use this explanation a lot (to enforce their argument that it "meant nothing".)

I agree with you on flirting--it shouldn''t happen in an honest relationship (or at work..but it def does). I get annyoed at other women who flirt with married men, or older men/non-blood relatives..ie with anyone off limits just to get that bit of reinforcment/attention. To me it does women a disservice. Not saying men don''t flirt, but I''m generalizing here in order to make a point.

 

[elrohwen]

I both agree and disagree with your DH. Personally, I don''t do this - if I feel a guy is at all interested in me and flirting, I get very uncomfortable and absolutely don''t flirt back.

However, I do know women who flirst to boost self-esteem whether in or out of a relationship, so I don''t think his theory is completely off base.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 12/16/2009 9:43:32 AM
Author: elrohwen
I both agree and disagree with your DH. Personally, I don''t do this - if I feel a guy is at all interested in me and flirting, I get very uncomfortable and absolutely don''t flirt back.

However, I do know women who flirst to boost self-esteem whether in or out of a relationship, so I don''t think his theory is completely off base.

I don''t think the theory is off base either--but it bothers me. And I wonder if my DH experiences it (being flirted with as a married man..)!

 

[Lauren8211]

I think flirting is definitely a way to boost self-esteem. It''s nice to know other people still find you attractive after you''re married!

However, women are definitely not the ones doing the majority of the flirting. DH is *very* flirty with women at his work (playfully, not sexually) and I''m the polar opposite. We call me the ice queen.

I don''t flirt at all. I rarely make eye contact. I make it very clear I''m not interested before they even come within 50 feet of me.

 

[EricaR]

DH has pointed out repeatedly that I am VERY flirty, but it is all completely unintentional. Luckily it doesn''t bother him, it just seems to be the way I interact with people? I never mean to be flirty, and sometimes I''m shocked later when he points out that whatever I just said was super flirty.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I know this is terrible but I''ve always been naturally flirty. Not like full on I wanna take you home and get you in bed flirting but a giggle here and there. Most of the time I don''t even realize it when I do it and dh simply points it out to me because he knows I don''t realize it. Now if we had a good looking waiter and I was like hey can I get some fries with that shake! That would obviously be inappropriate lol He also can get a little flirty too if he has a drink or two, not on purpose either, and I point it out to him. It''s just our personalities I guess and we are aware of that. We would never do anything to hurt the other on purpose...ykwim?

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 12/16/2009 9:46:48 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I think flirting is definitely a way to boost self-esteem. It''s nice to know other people still find you attractive after you''re married!

However, women are definitely not the ones doing the majority of the flirting. DH is *very* flirty with women at his work (playfully, not sexually) and I''m the polar opposite. We call me the ice queen.

I don''t flirt at all. I rarely make eye contact. I make it very clear I''m not interested before they even come within 50 feet of me.

I am the same way elle! To me it''s a very easy conscious decision. I am not looking = no flirtatious vibe given off. If I am (when I was single)...then I suppose I did, but it took effort, ie I''m not a natural.

It doesn''t bother you about your DH? I guess to me it can be perceived as dishonest if someone is flirting to reaffirm their attraction--b/c there might be that one person who reads it the wrong way.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 12/16/2009 9:48:59 AM
Author: EricaR
DH has pointed out repeatedly that I am VERY flirty, but it is all completely unintentional. Luckily it doesn't bother him, it just seems to be the way I interact with people? I never mean to be flirty, and sometimes I'm shocked later when he points out that whatever I just said was super flirty.

I think there can be a fine line...meaning sometimes someone is naturally flirty and it's unintentional. In other cases it's conscious (or maybe buried in subconsious) effort to make a person feel better about their appeal. It's in the second case I get bothered --at least when it's directed at someone off limits (married men, random older man, boss at work). I know I keep assuming this is the woman doing it, but in my experience it more often is since women's apperances/sexual appeal is much more tied to their identity than men. Since I'm not a flirt by nature, it's hard for me to relate so kind of interesting hearing from the other side!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 12/16/2009 9:50:18 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 12/16/2009 9:46:48 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I think flirting is definitely a way to boost self-esteem. It''s nice to know other people still find you attractive after you''re married!

However, women are definitely not the ones doing the majority of the flirting. DH is *very* flirty with women at his work (playfully, not sexually) and I''m the polar opposite. We call me the ice queen.

I don''t flirt at all. I rarely make eye contact. I make it very clear I''m not interested before they even come within 50 feet of me.

I am the same way elle! To me it''s a very easy conscious decision. I am not looking = no flirtatious vibe given off. If I am (when I was single)...then I suppose I did, but it took effort, ie I''m not a natural.

It doesn''t bother you about your DH? I guess to me it can be perceived as dishonest if someone is flirting to reaffirm their attraction--b/c there might be that one person who reads it the wrong way.

If it bothered me, I would''ve gotten out after our first date.

J just *is* flirty. He''s flirty with men! His personality is just flirtatious.

Even if someone does read it the wrong way - he knows when to put the brakes on. He does not get emotionally involved with these women, or divulge private stuff. It''s basically a playground flirtation.. teasing, joking, that sort of stuff. He usually goes to lunch with the same few women every day. It doesnt bother me in the least!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I have no conscious flirting skills at all, so if I do it then it''s totally unintentional. DH gives me all the praise I need to boost my ego.

 

[noelwr]

Ice Queen x2 over here.

I used to think flirting = "hey I wanna do the horizontal tango with you... or even vertical if you please" which is why I couldn''t understand why unavailable people do it.

but I just realized I don''t see it that way anymore. hmmm... I wonder when that changed.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

We joke about this a lot. Lane is a born flirt. He doesn''t even realize he does it. Obviously, he never does too much, or else it would make me really upset. But he doesn''t realize how his teasing, smiles, and humor could be seen as flirting.

I''m a bit of an ice queen myself, while in a relationship. I just have no interest in it.

My boss is not the same. She is happily married, but when we went to Chicago for business she flat out told me she wanted to go to a bar with business men and flirt. She said she didn''t see anything wrong with it because she had no intentions of furthering anything from flirtation. I was highly uncomfortable. I would not be okay with my husband, boyfriend, whoever behaving as she did.

 

[curlygirl]

I flirt with everyone--men, women, babies, dogs. You name it! It''s completely harmless and I never have any ulterior motives or unfaithful intentions. It''s simply part of my personality. DH is aware of it and has seen me do it (although it''s not necessarily a conscious effort on my part) but doesn''t take offense or read into it at all, I think he just knows that it''s who I am. It may have to do with the fact that I''m in sales so part of my job is to be charming which could be construed as flirting. But it''s totally not a self esteem nor "bored with relationship" thing. Just a personality trait.

 

[tlh]

Hmm, I''ve been told I''m flirty - but truth is, I just love to smile and laugh. And I don''t know anyone that doesn''t like a real good honest laugh! Yesterday i laughed so hard I started to cry. My husband started laughing too- because I was laughing so hard, I think I wet myself.

After I was done telling my story, it was quite awful, and I KNOW I shouldn''t have laughed, but while telling it out loud- it just was absurd, and AWFUL, but I couldn''t actually believe I was saying those words out loud.

But I guess smiling and laughing = flirty behaviour. Most of the time I had no IDEA that what I was doing could have been interpretted as flirting... then I got older and realized even though it wasn''t my INTENTION, there is more to communication than what you send out - it is also HOW it is received. So now I''m better at reading queues, and will change subject or use my feet to do the talking if it appears I''m sending the wrong signal.

I just love and respect my husband too much to send any OTHER signal out there.

 

[Liane]

Sure, some women flirt to reaffirm their self-esteem. Some just do it on auto-pilot because that''s how they interact with people. Some don''t do it at all. There''s a range of human behavior (including right here in this thread!) and there''s a range of how people interpret and respond to that behavior.

There are guys on the street who will curse at you for ignoring them (because, y''know, who could not be flattered at their attentions

) and who mistake accidental eye contact for "she wants me now god I am such a stud!! YEAH BABY!!" And there are guys who wouldn''t notice attempts at flirting until a girl dropped her pants right in front of their noses.

Where the line is between "harmless flirting" and "more overt" is impossible for me to draw because of that range in intentions, behaviors, and interpretations. It''s all ambiguous. Unless you go full-on ice queen, that is, which is probably why so many of us do.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I correct my previous statement about flirting...I do flirt with men, but only under the age of 5. I love flirting with babies..so cute!

 

[joflier]

I''m always laughing and making jokes - and its just part of who I am. I think if flirting crosses into the touching or sexual jokes, that''s when its dangerous grounds (for attached people).

 

[lilyfoot]

Neither I nor my BF are flirts (only with each other of course!)

I have a friend who is in a commited relationship, and is a flirt. Not "super bad", but enough to make me uncomfortable when she''s doing it.

I don''t want or need any other mans attention besides my BF. I''m an ice queen also, I don''t respond to flirting or getting hit on

I do think a lot of people in long-term/serious relationship (note I said people, not just women), use flirting as a way of "knowing" they''re still attractive to the other sex.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

It's hard to define what flirting is. I've known guys who thought I was flirting because I smiled a lot at them when talking to them. (PS: I smile at everyone, I think it's the nice thing to do). And sometimes people think I'm flirting just because I'm paying close attention to what they are saying. I guess if these things count as flirting then yes, I'm a flirt?

I do think in most social situations with somebody, you're subconsciously (or consciously) gauging their reactions to you and your actions. So I wouldn't be surprised if some women "flirt" as a way to get the accepting, positive reactions they want out of the other person, whether they know that's what they are doing or not.

 

[monarch64]

SO and I are both huge flirts. Doesn''t bother either of us since we each "get it" about the other. If one of us was introverted, there is no way we''d be compatible. I need someone who is just as outgoing as I am, and so does he. We do not do it for attention or reassurance that we are attractive to the opposite sex or anyone in general, it''s just the way we are.

 

[Mara]

my hub is a bit of a flirt...but he is not a creepy or shameless about it. some might say he is just very 'outgoing'...but i think he is flirty. he is very social, and he likes to give a lot of compliments to people.... both sexes but when it is a woman it looks like he's flirting or stroking the ego more. part of it is how he was raised, his Mom kind of pushed him to be super gentlemanly, so i think he focuses more on women sometimes with compliments, without even realizing it. personally i think it's awesome... he's totally secure and i am too so i never worry when i hear him talking to women and usually i am there too anyway. he is also a Leo so he loves being the center of attention whether whether it's male OR female and he loves telling stories and having an audience...and sometimes it makes it easier for me because i can be quieter if i am not feeling super social and just kind of sit back and smile while i watch him hehee. other times i am more social and he is my wallflower.

 

[Bia]

I''m a flirt. FI is not.

I don''t flirt with anyone/everyone but when I''m comfortable with people, I flirt. It''s definitely not to boost my self-esteem either. It might just be the way I was brought up. Not sure.

either way, it''s innocent.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 12/16/2009 2:20:58 PM
Author: Mara
my hub is a bit of a flirt...but he is not a creepy or shameless about it. some might say he is just very ''outgoing''...but i think he is flirty. he is very social, and he likes to give a lot of compliments to people.... both sexes but when it is a woman it looks like he''s flirting or stroking the ego more. part of it is how he was raised, his Mom kind of pushed him to be super gentlemanly, so i think he focuses more on women sometimes with compliments, without even realizing it. personally i think it''s awesome... he''s totally secure and i am too so i never worry when i hear him talking to women and usually i am there too anyway. he is also a Leo so he loves being the center of attention whether whether it''s male OR female and he loves telling stories and having an audience...and sometimes it makes it easier for me because i can be quieter if i am not feeling super social and just kind of sit back and smile while i watch him hehee. other times i am more social and he is my wallflower.

I love a man that knows how to properly flirt. My ex-bff''s ex-hubby had a way of flirting with everyone at a table that would make everyone feel great and comfortable just to get conversations flowing.

 

[radiantquest]

Date: 12/16/2009 11:42:35 AM
Author: curlygirl
I flirt with everyone--men, women, babies, dogs. You name it! It''s completely harmless and I never have any ulterior motives or unfaithful intentions. It''s simply part of my personality. DH is aware of it and has seen me do it (although it''s not necessarily a conscious effort on my part) but doesn''t take offense or read into it at all, I think he just knows that it''s who I am. It may have to do with the fact that I''m in sales so part of my job is to be charming which could be construed as flirting. But it''s totally not a self esteem nor ''bored with relationship'' thing. Just a personality trait.

I know what you mean as I am in sales too. You have to smile and laugh at what people say to you.

I have one friend that is an all out flirt. That is just the way she is. I have seen mens wives get upset with her, but really once you know her you realize that is just the way she is. I think the problem with her flirting is that she is also gorgeous and sometimes people get intimidated.

I tend to flirt a little at work. Nothing that would indicate that I have any intentions of any extramarital activities. We are all married or engaged here and it seems that everyone playfully flirts with everyone else because it is all in good fun since we all know that we will go to our respective homes with out spouses.

 

[Mara]

curly i think you hit on part of it...i think of it more like ''charming'' than flirting in a way...there is someone who knows how to make others feel good, be positive and complimentary without icky...and then there is creepy hanging-on-your-every-word flirting or invading the personal bubble kind of flirting, etc. hehee.

 

[D&T]

DH knows me and never would I flirt or cheat- is it borderline flirting if you are just super nice and smile and make small chat?. My sister on the hand seriously flirt throughout both marriages.

 

[JSM]

Haha, I don't know how to flirt, and don't know how to recognize when people are flirting with me! I'd be with a girlfriend, talk with some guy for a couple minutes, then he'd walk away. According to my friends, that interaction was a) him flirting with me and b) me scaring him off. No wonder I had a hard time getting a date.

DH has a very friendly, outgoing personality, and he likes to flirt. This does not bother me because this is just the way he is, and he never fails to keep me happy at home. If he ignored me then flirted with 'hot chicks ' at the bar, then I would have a problem!

 

[TooPatient]

I do not flirt. I am friendly & polite. I will smile when I greet someone.

Smiling & being polite is one thing. Flirting is another.


I guess you can toss me into the ice-queen category. I see flirting as completely inappropriate for someone in a relationship. (either the giving or the not discouraging). Things too often start as "just flirting" and go from there. (like the thread recently about work spouses)