Do people expect money in payment

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I talked to someone last evening who I don't see often. The person remarried last yr at age 69 and still works with Developmentally disabled kids part-time. She has claimed bankruptcy twice in life and does not handle money well. She and her new husband rent a small home and get just get by. This woman is my brothers first wife.

She tells me that her cat brought home a couple of varmits and she called her daughter to help her. They found the nest and then called my nieces boyfriend, who niece lives with, to come and help get rid of them. They got rid of the pests. My SIL tells me she pays her daughter to help her as she would have had to call an exterminator and paid them anyway. My 40 yr old niece takes it and a dinner out as well. Am i the only one around who thinks that we help our relatives and neighbors in life without expecting something in return?

I am going to tell you all an extraordinary tale. My niece was down and out in Australia(she country hops) and her mother took her in with new husband and all. Niece met a boy, fell in love , moved in with him and looked for work. She made new friends, found an agent for her job, wrote a book, publisher said she can write, but needs to change the structure of the book and so life was good and looking up.

One of these new friends, a female, is extremely wealthy. She inherited from an aunt who lived in paris. It is said she has more than she could ever use. She helps peope where ever she can. So she bought my niece a beautiful house in Northern california and then decided she needed a new car. So, with good fortune smiling on you, why would you take money for helping your mother. I'm a bit upset about this. I assure you I know it is none of my business and I won't it make it mine. Oh, this woman has bought 5 other homes for deserving (as she sees it) people as well as my niece.

I feel sad. I've noticed it more and more. People do something for someone and they put their hand out to get something.


Any comments.

Annette

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Wow, that's quite the story...to have someone buy a house and car for your niece! I don't know why she would accept payment for helping her mom out. Is the mom the type who usually feels uncomfortable asking for help? Maybe she felt it awkward having her daughter do the work?

 

[Gypsy]

So. Your neice. She's got no problem mooching her way through life, huh? I certainly don't live like that. Reciprocity is one thing. When someone does you a favor you you return it. Even if they don't ask for it. This is the entitled. Sounds like momma didn't raise her daughter right to me, since her daughter has no issue accepting houses from people.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Well, to coin a phrase from Kenny - people vary!

I would never have taken any money from my mother or my husband's mother for helping them out. However, I've had friends whose parents 'insisted' on paying them. And sometimes those with the least insist on paying the most. Strange phenomenon but true.

Your niece does indeed sound like a lucky lady - no one I've ever befriended decided to buy me a house (must be traveling in the wrong circles - ha!) I truly couldn't see myself accepting such a gift either though - I don't want to feel beholden to anyone. I'm sure in your niece's mind one has nothing to do with the other though. Not all people see themselves as 'fortunate' and therefore in an even better place to help someone else.

In this instance, I would think it would be on the receiver to determine if this was good or bad. She obviously doesn't see it as bad or she wouldn't accept the money. I wouldn't accept it personally but if it was offered to her and not demanded I guess you can't count it as a huge character flaw.

 

[Haven]

This seems unusual to me, to accept money from your mom for helping out around the house. And it certainly seems unusual to accept a free home and a car from a friend. But people really do vary, don't they?

I guess you never really know what's going on with relationships, so there could always be more to the story.

 

[packrat]

My Gramma pays my Uncle to do stuff at her house. I find it ridiculous, personally. We go over and mow her lawn a few times so we can have the grass for mulch. The first time I'd called and asked if we could come mow, she almost wouldn't let us b/c Uncle "counts" on that money from her. I told her we're in it for the mulch, not the money, and we do it out of the goodness of our hearts, not the depths of our pockets..she said "Melissa *JO* that's not very nice!" My reply was "Ehh..pppbbbbtttt" and then I hung up. Luckily my gramma loves me.

Gramma's on a fixed income, and she had to refinance her house (which had been paid off for YEARS) b/c she had moved to Arizona and Uncle and his family moved into Gramma's house, lived there 100% FREE, and she still was sending them money for "upkeep". Hello? Mooch much? My mom and dad did some landscaping to gramma's yard-Gramma at first was getting around ok so she was taking care of it. My other Aunt lived there for a while and didn't help, and gramma got to where she couldn't do it herself..Aunt lived there and wouldn't do it, Uncle lived a mile away and was up there all the time "working" on stuff, but wouldn't do it, so my mom was driving 10 miles into town to do it herself-and gramma would try to pay her.

 

[Mikla]

I don't understand how people can take such advantage of their family. I have a niece who has received two cars from my parents. She wrecked them both within six months. Now my dad is looking for a third car for her and the kid keeps calling and asking when she's gonna get it. Really??!! My parents are in their 70s. Go out and get a freaking job and buy your own damn car, I say!!!

You should be taking care of your elderly relatives to the extent you can, without any money changing hands. The daughter can't help her mother, after everything a mother does to raise her children? There are no words. It just makes me both sad and angry to hear about stuff like that.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Thanks for all your comments. Its funny, but reading other peoples comments put my mind in a different place. I have concluded the mother is to blame herself, which is probably one reason she is always in money trouble.

Gypsy--Yes,its the mother who is also at fault. I did ask my niece when she told me about the car whether she felt guilty at all. She said, Heck no. This woman has oodles, and oodles of money. You see this woman never married, or had children and made the mistake of telling my niece how much money she had. My brother is quite well off and she would never say he had oodles of money, so the sum must be enormous.

Haven-- relationships are complicated. During your last discussion I was going to use my niece as a comparison to you know who.
Its lifelong developments that create on-going sagas.

Yes, people do vary, but there was something that struck me as low in this scenario.

Packrat and Micka. I agree with you both. When I grew up in New York, we helped each other, our neighbors and did favors for most who asked. Money was not involved. Come to think of it, nobody asked to borrow money. You helped if you could. You really did. My mother wouldn't allow us to take money.
I do feel better. It was just a momentary shock.

Annette

 

[Haven]

Annette--Indeed. I also understand that it can still be hard not to be upset about a situation even if you have no control over it. Or even when you know that one person is enabling another's bad behavior. I fear it is unavoidable when you care about people, isn't it?

(Also, on an unrelated note: I'm rereading the Harry Potter series, so when you wrote "you know who" it took me a moment to realize you weren't talking about Voldemort! )

 

[yennyfire]

I think it's shameful, but I guess the bottom line is that if the mother wants to pay her daughter and the daughter takes it, that's their thing. If the daughter can look herself in the mirror and be ok with what she sees, so be it. I have a friend in her mid 70s who's son is a contractor and got her new windows for Christmas, but by the time he got around to getting them, he had "forgotten" that it was supposed to be a gift and billed her for both the windows and installation. And she paid the bill, despite being on a very tight budget. Just shameful. It sounds like scenarios like this are becoming more and more common.