Did your relationship with your Mom ever change?

[Jas12]

It''s almost Christmas and not the time to be bickering with my mom--but last night we had yet another conversation where her strange, badly masked passive aggressiveness got under my skin and I was short and bitchy with her. I felt awful alll night and it''s still nagging at me today....
My mom and I have always had a really great relationship.... up until about 2 years ago--When I was in university out of town we talked 4-5 days a week and I never avoided her calls or felt annoyed by her. Then I moved back to my home town where she and my dad live and--everything changed. On the surface we are fine--i have never had a real ''fight'' with her, and nothing has explicitly happened to cause a rift b/w us, but I honestly don''t like being around her and I think we both sense a difference and so it manifests in a strange new dynamic. I don''t know if it is b/c she went through menopause (she has alllll the symptoms in the book including the mood shifts), her very stressful job (that she goes on and on about in her uber overly-dramatic fashion!) or b/c we are too close for comfort (l live basically down the street), or maybe something about me (I don''t need/want her around every single day, phone calls, emails etc.). For the life of me I can''t pin-point what has gone wrong b/w us and how to remedy it. It bothers me on a regualr basis.
My DH feels it too and can''t be around her for too long--there is almost NO one he can''t tolerate so this says something--during our 11 years together he has never felt this way about her either--he''s not sure why there is the change.

I am not sure what to do--with baby # 1 (and first grandchild) on the way I want to have a good solid relationship with my mom--like we used to--I know I''ll need her and I know she will want to be around 24/7--i am dreading that right now, but of course don''t want to. Part of me is hoping that once baby comes along things will just automatically change--as I''ve heard that babies have that power. Yet part of me wonders if it''ll get worse??

Has anyone else noticed a shift in their relationship with their mom? How did you approach it or get to the heart of the problem?

 

[cdt1101]

jas--wow! i could have written that post. Except mine''s in reverse. I had a really great relationship with my mom up until i moved away AFTER college. But everything you described is exactly how i feel. I just can''t bare to be around her. Sometimes everything she says just bothers me.

Like you, i''m not sure what happened. But since I moved away (not that far, 2 hours) she has NEVER been to see me. Not once in almost 7 years. I only see her holidays or if I go back home for another reason. It makes me sad. It''s gotten to the piont that when I envision my wedding day in 6 months, I don''t even see my mom there.

My mom does try, but i always feel it''s half-hearted. A few years back I wrote a hand-written letter to my mom explaining how I felt our relationship had deteriorated, and her response was simple "i don''t agree....you know I love you." Needless to say I was heartbroken that she dismissed my feelings like that.

I too wonder what will happen when we have kids.

I don''t have any real advice, because I''m in the same boat! I''ll be interested ready the responses to this thread.

hang in there

 

[Gypsy]

I think sometimes its hard for out mothers to see us as adults, and accept us as complete individuals, instead of as extensions of themselves.

Also it''s hard for us to see our parents through the eyes of an adult, instead of through the eyes of a child.

Talk to her about it. I''m sure she''s sensing it too, so why not just bring it up and see where the conversation goes?

 

[HollyS]

Is your mother facing an empty nest without you at home? Does she feel that you have moved on (with your life) and left her abandoned? You have someone to take care of you besides her (your husband), and you are becoming a mother yourself (there is almost always a certain amount of jealosy in this situation), and you are becoming to her . . . finally, really, a woman. This transition is not easy for some women to make; they don''t know how to parent someone who does not need parenting, and who will soon be a parent herself.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

I can totally relate to what you guys are saying. My mom and I have a hot/cold relationship. When my parents divorced 10 years ago something inside both of us kind of changed and sometimes we are the best of friends and sometimes all we do is argue. I have a wonderful father who is so supportive which also makes her resentful. Although supportive at times when I need her to be, overall she is a very negative person, always stuck in the past and overly emotional which makes it very difficult on our relationship.

To be honest it sux because I would really like her to be apart of my wedding planning and down the line be there when my FI and I have children, but I don''t want all the negativity and drama.

The way I cope is by keeping our conversations as a need to know basis when it comes to touchy subjects. When she upsets me I let her know how it makes me feel and usually we come to some kind of temporary resolution/compromise. When I need advice about life or something, I try not to go to her. Needless to say its not an idea solution/situation however it does make our relationship a little better.

 

[Jas12]

I meant to post this in the family section, I must have been lurking in the Brides section when I logged in---sorry BWW--it''s not really wedding related--hehe

anyone know how I move it over there?

CDT--maybe it''s a common thing. As Gypsy suggests, I should just bring it up, but something is holding me back (stubborness on my part or maybe a fear that acknowleging it makes it more real??)

Holly S--i think that there is a bit of empty nest syndrome going on and adding to the mix--DH and I spend sooo much time together and although I see her all the time, maybe she feels left out--I guess i''ll have some insight into that feeling when I have children of my own--i think the baby will be an interesting ''addition'' to our relationship

lucy--good that you can at least bring tings up with your mom--i know i need to do that....

 

[bee*]

I agree with Gypsy. Maybe take her out for lunch and the two of you can chat about it. So far, my mother and I still get along great so I''m hoping that doesn''t change. Best of luck with your chat!

 

[cdt1101]

jas - I hope you do try and talk to you mom..and I hope you have better success then I did. My mom chooses to ignore the obviously strained relationship we have. Sometimes that REALLY bothers me, most of time though I am resigned to the idea that I will never have a happy and healthy relationship with my mom.

I say try to have a conversation (and trust me, I know all about being stubborn! I''m soooo stubborn). It can''t hurt to have a talk with her.

 

[thekinglives]

I''d place my bets on it being mostly a matter of
negative coincidence. If your mother has been
highly active and successful in her life, it might
feel to her fairly strongly now that she''s losing
tenure. It is probably obvious to you where her
strongest sense of accomplishment and identity
comes from, family relationships and work being
most likely. There''s no angle of either that isn''t
impinged on and changed forever by the effects of
menopause, and I''d say to be struggling with its
psychological weight at about the same time that
your daughter reaches the zenith of feminine power
could make for a hormonally, psychologically
irritated mother, who inadvertently (or as you say,
passive-agressively) drives away the people she
loves and needs the most.

I''d make it clear to her that a new, very
important tenure is available to her now:
loving grandmother and supportive mother to
a child that embarks on utterly new territory.
Who wouldn''t need an understanding mother
to guide you through that?

Anyway, those are my two one cent coins

 

[CrownJewel]

My mom has always been a bit controlling/manipulative but it was totally harmless until recently. She''s outright hurtful in the things she says to me now that I''ve moved out. Let''s just say this Christmas doesn''t feel so merry because of something she said. It''s too terrible to even explain. I just wanted to say that I can commiserate.

Anyway...Jas to move the thread just click the Message Admin button and ask them to move it to Family and Health.

 

[Ali]

Date: 12/21/2007 3:51:01 PM
Author: Jas12
I meant to post this in the family section, I must have been lurking in the Brides section when I logged in---sorry BWW--it''s not really wedding related--hehe

anyone know how I move it over there?

If anyone ever needs a topic moved, or if you just want to say ''HI''

just click the ''Report post'' button under the post and we''ll get it moved as soon as possible.